A guy with your IQ should have a low voice
A half-wit gave you a piece of his mind, and you
held on to it.
A sharp tongue is no indication of a keen
After meeting you, I've decided I am in favor of
abortion in cases of incest.
All of your ancestors must number in the
millions; it's hard to believe that many people are to blame
for producing you.
All that you are you owe to your parents. Why
don't you send them a penny and square the account?
Alone: In bad company.
And there he was: reigning supreme at number
Any friend of yours ... is a friend of
Any similarity between you and a human is purely
Anyone who told you to be yourself couldn't have
given you worse advice.
Are you always so stupid or is today a special
Are you brain-dead?
Are your parents siblings?
As an outsider, what do you think of the human
As useless as rubber lips on a woodpecker. ~
Earl Pitts ~
As welcome as a rattlesnake at a square dance. ~
Robert Reinhold ~
At least you are not obnoxious like so many
other people - you are obnoxious in a different and worse
Before you came along we were hungry. Now we are
Believe me, I don't want to make a monkey out of
you. Why should I take all the credit?
Better at sex than anyone, now all he needs is a
Brains aren't everything. In fact, in your case
Calling you stupid would be an insult to stupid
Can I borrow your face for a few days while my
ass is on vacation?
Careful now, don't let your brains go to your
Converse with any plankton lately?
Diarrhea of the mouth; constipation of the
Did the mental hospital test too many drugs on
Did you eat paint chips when you were a kid?
Did your parents ever ask you to run away from
Did your parents have any children that
Do you ever wonder what life would be like if
you'd had enough oxygen at birth?
Do you have to leave so soon? I was about to
poison the tea.
Do you want do die stupid?
Do you want me to accept you as you are or do
you want me to like you?
Doesn't know the meaning of the word fear, but
then again he doesn't know the meaning of most words.
Don't feel bad. A lot of people have no
Don't get insulted, but is your job devoted to
Don't let your mind wander -- it's too little to
be let out alone.
Don't mind him. He has a soft heart and a head
Don't thank me for insulting you. It was my
Don't think, it may sprain your brain!
Don't you have a terribly empty feeling ---- in
Don't you love nature, despite what it did to
Don't you need a license to be that ugly?
Don't you realize that there are enough people
to hate in the world already without your working so hard to
give us another?
Ever since I saw you in your family tree I've
wanted to cut it down.
Every girl has the right to be ugly, but you
abused the privilege.
Everyone is gifted. Some open the package
Excellent time to become a missing person.
Fat? You're not fat, you're just ... fat.
For two cents I'd give you a piece of my mind -
and all of yours.
Forgot to pay his brain bill.
Go ahead, tell them everything you know. It'll
only take 10 seconds.
Go fart peas at the moon !!
Grasp your ears firmly and remove your head from
Has reached rock bottom and shows signs of
starting to dig.
Has the IQ of lint.
Have you considered suing your brains for
He can open his mail with that nose!
He can think without moving his lips!
He comes from a long line of real estate people
-- they're a vacant lot.
He does the work of three men: Moe, Larry, and
He doesn't know whether to scratch his watch or
wind his butt. --From "Steel Magnolias"
He has a mechanical mind. Too bad he forgot to
wind it up this morning.
He has a mind like a steel trap -- always
He has depth, but only on the surface. Down deep
inside, he is shallow.
He has more faces than Mount Rushmore.
He has one brain cell, and it is fighting for
He is always lost in thought -- it's unfamiliar
He is dark and handsome. When it's dark, he's
He is depriving a village somewhere of an
He is living proof that man can live without a
He is so conceited his eyes behold each other
He is so short his hair smell like feet
He is so short, when it rains he is always the
last one to know.
He is so old that his blood type was
discontinued. ~ Bill Dana ~
He is the kind of a man that you would use as a
blueprint to build an idiot.
He named the street he owned after his wife.
What a grand statement of his love for her; for she was cold,
hard, cracked, and only gets plowed around the holidays.
He smells the coffee, but can't find the pot / a
He would be out of his depth in a parking lot
Heard your family went to a restaurant where
they serve crabs just so they could bring you along.
He'd steal the straw from his mother's kennel.
Hello - tall, dark and obnoxious!
Here's 20 cents. Call all your friends and bring
back some change!
He's got that far away look. The farther he
gets, the better he looks.
He's just visiting this planet.
He's not stupid; he's possessed by a retarded
He's so dense that light bends around him.
He's so fat, he has the only car in town with
He's so short he can sit on a piece of toilet
paper and dangle his feet.
He's the first in his family born without a
He's the only man who, if told to screw himself,
could do it.
He's the reason brothers and sisters shouldn't
Hey, act your age -- senile!
Hey, I heard you went to the butcher and asked
for 10 cents worth of dog meat and he asked you if you wanted
it wrapped or if you would eat it on the spot.
Hey, I remember you when you had only one
Hi! I'm a human being! What are you?
His brain waves fall a little short of the
His men would follow him anywhere, but only out
of morbid curiosity.
His origins are so low, you'd have to limbo
under his family tree.
His personality's split so many ways he goes
alone for group therapy.
His suitcase doesn't have a handle.
How did you get here? Did someone leave your
How many years did it take you to learn how to
I always wanted to be a troubleshooter but now I
see you are not worth it!
I believe in respect for the dead; in fact I
could only respect you if you WERE dead.
I bet your brain feels as good as new, seeing
that you've never used it.
I bet your mother has a loud bark!
I can tell you are lying. Your lips are
I can tie a coffee bean to my butt and swim
across the Columbia River and make a darker stain than that
(about weak coffee.)
I can't seem to remember you name, and please
don't help me!
I can't talk to you right now; tell me, where
will you be in ten years?
I certainly hope you are sterile.
I could make a monkey out of you, but why should
I take all the credit?
I don't consider you a vulture. I consider you
something a vulture would eat.
I don't know what makes you so stupid, but it
I don't know who you are, but whatever it is,
I'm sure everyone will agree with me.
I don't mind that you are talking so long as you
don't mind that I'm not listening.
I don't think you are a fool. But then what's MY
opinion against thousands of others?
I don't want you to turn the other cheek. It's
just as ugly.
I feel sorry for you because you are so homely
but I feel even sorrier for other people because they have to
look at you.
I hear the only place you're ever invited is
I hear what you're saying but I just don't
I hear you are an officer. Your rank is - just
I hear you are being accepted into an exclusive
club cause they need someone to snub.
I hear you are connected to the Police
Department -- by a pair of handcuffs.
I hear you are very kind to animals so please
give that face back to the gorilla.
I hear you changed your mind! What did you do
with the diaper?
I hear you were born on a farm. Any more in the
I hear you were born on April 2; a day too
I heard that your brother was an only child.
I heard you got a brain transplant and the brain
I heard you went to have your head examined but
the doctors found nothing there.
I know you are nobody's fool but maybe someone
will adopt you.
I know you're a self-made man. It's nice of you
to take the blame!
I know you're not as stupid as you look. Nobody
I like you. People say I've no taste, but I like
I like your approach, now let's see your
I reprimanded my son for mimicking you. I told
him not to act like a fool.
I thought of you all day today. I was at the
I understand you, but thousands wouldn't!
I used to think that you were a big pain in the
neck. Now I have a much lower opinion of you.
I want nothing out of you but breathing, and
very little of that!
I will defend to your death my right to my
I wonder how many angels could dance on his
I worship the ground that awaits you.
I would ask you how old you are but I know you
can't count that high.
I would have liked to insult you, but with your
intelligence you wouldn't get offended.
I would like the pleasure of your company but it
only gives me displeasure.
I wouldn't piss in his ear if his brain was on
I'd hate to see you go, but I'd love to watch
I'd like to give you a going-away present ...
but you have to do your part.
I'd like to have the spitting concession his
I'd like to help you out. Which way did you come
I'd like to leave you with one thought ... but
I'm not sure you have a place to put it!
I'd like to see things from your point of view
but I can't seem to get my head that far up my ass. (Thanks,
I'd love to go out with you, but my favorite
commercial is on TV.
I'd rather pass a kidney stone than another
night with you.
I'd slap you senseless ... but I can't spare
If brains were rain, you`d be a desert.
If I ever need a brain transplant, I'd choose
yours because I'd want a brain that had never been used.
If I had a face like yours, I'd sue my
If I promise to miss you, will you go away?
If I said anything to you that I should be sorry
for, I'm glad.
If I want any shit outta you I'll squeeze your
If I want your stupid opinion, I'll beat it out
If I wanted to hear from an ass, I'd fart.
If I were as ugly as you are, I wouldn't say
hello, I'd say boo!
If idiots could fly, this would be an
If ignorance is bliss, you must be orgasmic.
If manure were music, you'd be a brass band.
If sex were fast food, you'd have an arch over
If she was cast as Lady Godiva the horse would
steal the show.
If truth is stranger than fiction, you must be
If we were to kill everybody who hates you, it
wouldn't be murder; it would be genocide!
If what you don't know can't hurt you, she's
If you act like an ass, don't get insulted if
people ride you.
If you don't like my opinion of you - improve
If you ever tax your brain, don't charge more
than a penny.
If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you
get change back.
If you had another brain like the one you've
got, you'd still be a half-wit.
If you stand close enough to him, you can hear
If you were a body of water, you'd be a kiddie
If you were twice as smart, you'd still be
If your brain were chocolate, it wouldn't fill
Ignorance can be cured. Stupid is forever.
I'll never forget the first time we met -
although I'll keep trying.
I'm blonde, what's your excuse?
I'm busy now. Can I ignore you some other
I'm glad to see you're not letting your
education get in the way of your ignorance.
I'm going to memorize your name and throw my
I'm not as dumb as you look.
In the land of the witless, the half-wit is
Instead of being born again, why don't you just
Is that your nose or are you eating a banana?
It is mind over matter. I don't mind, because
you don't matter.
It is such a shame to ruin such beautiful blonde
hair by dying your roots black.
You're so ugly, you had tinted windows on your
You're the best at all you do - and all you do
is make people hate you.
Yours is a prima facie case of ugliness. And
your body is ugly too.
It's hard to get the big picture when you have
such a small screen.
I've come across decomposed bodies that are less
offensive than you are.
I've had many cases of love that were just
infatuation, but this hate I feel for you is the real
I've hated your looks from the start they gave
I've only got one nerve left, and you're getting
I've seen people like you, but I had to pay
Judging by the old saying, "What you don't know
can't hurt you," he's practically invulnerable.
Keep talking, someday you'll say something
Keep talking. I always yawn when I'm
Learn from your parents' mistakes - use birth
Let's play horse. I'll be the front end and you
Let's play house. You be the door and I'll slam
Look, don't go to a mind reader; go to a
palmist; I know you've got a palm.
Make a mental note . . . oh, I see you're out of
Make somebody happy. Mind your own business.
Man alive! But I wish you weren't.
Moonlight becomes you - total darkness even
Never enter a battle of wits unarmed.
Nice to see you on your feet. Who sent the
No one will ever know that you've had a
lobotomy, if you wear a wig to hide to the scars and learn to
control the slobbering.
Nobody says that you are dumb. They just say you
were sixteen years old before you learned how to wave
Now go away or I shall taunt you a second
Of all the people I've met you're certainly one
Ordinarily people live and learn. You just
Pardon me, but you've obviously mistaken me for
someone who gives a damn.
People can't say that you have absolutely
nothing! After all, you have inferiority!
People clap when they see you - their hands over
their eyes or ears.
People say that you are outspoken but not by
anyone that I know of.
People say that you are the perfect idiot. I say
that you are not perfect but you are doing all right.
Perhaps your whole purpose in life is simply to
serve as a warning to others.
Please breathe the other way. You're bleaching
She could eat a watermelon through a picket
She had a mouth dirtier than a wicker toilet
She has a nice butter face. Everything looks
nice, but her face.
She thinks the rearview mirror is for putting on
She was another one of his near Mrs.
She's a lot like train tracks - she's been laid
across the country.
She's got a body that won't quit and a brain
that won't start.
She's got more chins than the Hong Kong
She's like Taco Bell. When people see her, they
run for the border.
She's so ugly they used to put a pot roast in
her lap so the dog would play with her.
She's so ugly, she'd make a freight train take a
Sit down and give your mind a rest.
Slit your wrists - it will lower your blood
So stupid, he moves his lips when watching TV.
So ugly, robbers give him their masks to
So, a thought crossed your mind? Must have been
a long and lonely journey.
Some day you will find yourself - and wish you
Some drink from the fountain of knowledge, but
he just gargled.
Some folks are so dumb, they have to be watered
twice a week.
Some people are has-beens. You are a
Some people don't hesitate to speak their minds
because they have nothing to lose.
Somebody else is doing the driving for that
Someday you'll go far, if you catch the right
Someone said you are not fit to sleep with pigs.
I stuck up for the pigs.
Someone said you are not fit to sleep with pigs.
I stuck up for you and said, 'oh yes she is.'
Someone took a photo of you once but it didn't
turn out. You could be seen too clearly.
Take a vacation; go to Club Dead.
Take off that mask! Don't you think it's a
little early for Halloween?
Talk is cheap, but so are you.
That's a very meaty question and I'd like to
give it a very meaty answer -baloney!
The closest she/he'll ever get to a brainstorm
is a slight drizzle.
The cream rises to the top. So does the
The going got weird and he turned pro.
The inbreeding is certainly obvious in your
The next time you shave, could you stand a
little closer to the razor?
The only thing he brought to this job was his
The overwhelming power of the sex drive was
demonstrated by the fact that someone was willing to father
The thing that terrifies me the most is that
someone might hate me as much as I loathe you.
The twinkle in his eyes is actually the sun
shining between his ears.
The wheel is still spinning but the hamster
There are only two things I dislike about her -
There are several people in this world that I
find obnoxious and you are all of them.
There is no vaccine against stupidity.
They just invented a new coffin just for you
that goes over the head. It's for people who are dead from the
They said you were a great asset. I told them
they were off by two letters.
They say opposites attract. I hope you meet
someone who is good-looking, intelligent, and cultured.
They say space is a dangerous place . . .
especially if it's between your ears!
They say that travel broadens one. You must have
been around the world.
They say that two heads are better than one. In
your case, one would have been better than none.
They say truth is stranger than fiction. Look,
your mother gave birth to you.
They shot him through the stupid forest, and he
didn't miss a tree.
Thinking isn't your strong suit, is it? --from
"Lost In Space"
This is no battle of wits between you and me. I
never pick on an unarmed man.
Too bad stupidity isn't painful.
We all spring from apes but you didn't spring
We do not complain about your shortcomings but
about your long stayings.
We heard that when you ran away from home your
folks sent you a note saying, "Do not come home and all will
We know that you would give your life for us.
We know that you would go to the end of the
world for us. But would you stay there?
We know you could not live without us. We'll pay
for the funeral.
We'll get along fine as soon as you realize I'm
Well, I'll see you in my dreams - if I eat too
What color is the sky in your world?
What he lacks in intelligence, he more than
makes up for in stupidity.
Whatever anyone says to you goes in one ear and
out the other because nothing is blocking traffic.
Whatever is eating you - must be suffering
What's the latest dope - besides you?
When God was throwing intelligence down to the
Earth, you were holding an umbrella.
When I look into your eyes, I see the back of
When you die, I'd like to go to your funeral but
I'll probably have to go to work that day. I believe in
business before pleasure.
When you die, you should have your brain donated
to science. I hear they're trying to come up with the perfect
When you feel terrific, notify your face.
When you fell out of the ugly tree, you hit
every branch on the way down.
When you get run over by a car it shouldn't be
listed under accidents.
When you pass away and people ask me what the
cause of your death was, I'll say your stupidity.
When you were a child your mother wanted to hire
someone to take care of you but the Mafia wanted too much.
When you were born, God admitted that even He
could make a mistake!
Whom am I calling "stupid"? I don't know. What's
Why don't you go to the library and brush up on
With a mind like yours, who needs a body?
Worst-dressed sentient being in the known
Would you like some cheese and crackers to go
with that whine?
Would you like to replace my business partner
who died this morning? I'll arrange it with the
You always have your ear to the ground. So how's
life in the gutter?
You are a man of the world -- and you know what
sad shape the world is in.
You are about as useful as a windshield wiper on
a goat's ass.
You are as strong as an ox and almost as
You are down to earth but not quite far down
You are living proof that manure can grow legs
You are no longer beneath my contempt.
You are not as bad as people say - you are
You are pretty as a picture and we'd love to
You are so boring that you can't even entertain
You are so dishonest that I can't even be sure
that what you tell me are lies!
You are so dumb you sit on the TV and watch the
You are so fat that I hear you were arrested
three times for jaywalking when all the time you were just
standing on the corner waiting for the light to change.
You are so stupid you got hit by a parked
You are such a smart-ass I bet you could sit on
a carton of ice cream and tell what flavor it is. (Thanks,
Erin and Justin Keller)
You are the kind of person who, when one first
meets you, one doesn't like you. But when one gets to know you
better, one hates you.
You could throw her in the river and skim ugly
for two days.
You don't sweat much, for a fat girl.
You grow on people - like a wart!
You have a face only a mother could love - and
she hates it!
You have a good weapon against muggers - your
You have a lot of well-wishers. They would all
like to throw you down one.
You have a speech impediment ... your foot.
You have a striking face. Tell me, how many
times were you struck there?
You have an inferiority complex - and it's fully
You have no trouble making ends meet. Your foot
is always in your mouth!
You liked your first chin so much, you added two
You make me believe in reincarnation. Nobody can
be as stupid as you in one lifetime.
You must have a low opinion of people if you
think they're your equals.
You must have gotten up on the wrong side of the
cage this morning.
You possess a mind not merely twisted, but
You remind me of the ocean - you make me
You say that you are always bright and early.
Well OK, we know you are early.
You should be the poster child for birth
You should do some soul-searching. Maybe you'll
You should have been born in the Dark Ages; you
look terrible in the light.
You should toss out more of your funny remarks;
that's all they're good for.
You started at the bottom - and it's been
downhill ever since.
You used to be arrogant and obnoxious. Now you
are just the opposite. You are obnoxious and arrogant.
You were born because your mother didn't believe
in abortion; now she believes in infanticide.
You were the answer to a prayer. Your parents
prayed that the world would be made to suffer and here you
You will never be able to live down to your
Your conversation is like the waves of the sea.
It makes me sick!
Your dog is so stupid, he chases parked cars.
Your family tree is good but you are the
Your mouth is getting too big for your
Your teeth are like stars - they come out at
Your verbosity is exceeded only by your
You're a habit I'd like to kick; with both
You're acquitting yourself in a way that no jury
You're like one of those "idiot savants," except
without the "savant" part.
You're nobody's fool. Let's see if we can get
someone to adopt you.
You're not yourself today. I noticed the
You're so dumb you thought Taco Bell was a phone
You're so fat when you jumped up you got
You're so fat you got baptized at Sea World.
You're so fat you laid down in the ocean and
Spain claimed you as the New World.
You're so fat you saw 90210 on a scale.
You're so fat you use hoola-hoops to keep your
You're so fat, when you wear a yellow rain coat
people scream ''taxi''.
You're so low you could milk a pregnant
You're so old you drove a chariot to school.
You're so slow it takes you an hour and a half
to watch "Sixty Minutes."
You're so small, you pose for trophies.
You're so stupid you threw a rock at the ground
You're so stupid you trip over the cord of a
You're so ugly when you went to a haunted house
they offered you a job.
You're so ugly you almost look like your
You're so ugly you have to trick or treat over
You're so ugly you make blind kids cry.
You're so ugly your husband goes everywhere
You're so ugly your husband takes you with him
everywhere he goes so he doesn't have to kiss you bye.
You're so ugly, when you walk into taco bell,
EVERYONE runs for the border!
You're very smart. You have brains you never
You've got your head so far up your ass you can
chew your food twice.
You've never been outspoken; no one has ever
been able to.