PARIS - France held secret military exercises in order to better prepare for an eventual surrender should they ever be attacked, say officials in the government.

The training exercises, which began within days after the September 11 terrorist attacks in America, focused on a coordinated effort between the French government and the military in case they are confronted by the slightest act of aggression by a foreign country.

"The policy of of an immediate and unconditional surrender is not left up to chance as many would believe," says Jean-Pierre Le Carche, deputy assistant to the French U.N Envoy. "Every aspect is methodically planned so as not to disrupt the wonderful French way of life."

The first step, according to Le Carche, is "to apologize profusely to the angry country and then act like we didn't know anyone was mad at us. We say things like 'who us? What? We didn't do anything wrong. We're on your side.'"

If the aggression continues, the government is instructed to immediately blame another country or a minority for the hatred they have brought upon the true French people.

"Most likely we would blame everything on either the United States, the Jews or both. Preferably both. Then we begin deporting people. Of course, who will be deported depends on the country asking. If it's the Jews, that's easy. We just hand them a list of addresses."

The third measure is invoked only if previous efforts have failed to produced results.

"Our troops are told to immediately lay on the ground like sheep. This momentarily confuses the enemy while our leaders quickly flee to Switzerland."

According to former French General Luc-Paul Didier, France has learned from its mistakes of the past, particularly during the German invasion of World War II.

"We got it all screwed up in those other wars by laying down like sheep first and then deporting people second," Didier said. "If we would have just planned a little better, we might have actually shared a beer with the German troops instead of prostituting our wives for a warm baguette.

The Official Mint of France has created commemorative statues of French surrenders throughout history.

A long time ago, Britain and France were at war. During one battle, The French captured an English major. Taking the major to their headquarters, the French general began to question him. The French general asked, "Why do you English officers all wear red coats? Don't you know the red material makes you easier targets for us to shoot at?" In his bland English way, the major informed the general that the reason English officers wear red coats is so that if they are shot, the blood won't show and the men they are leading won't panic.

And that is why from that day to now all French Army officers wear brown pants

AP and UPI reported that the French Government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "run" to "hide." The only two higher levels in France are "surrender" and "collaborate." The raise was precipitated by the recent fire which destroyed one of France's white flag factories, disabling their military.

BREAKING NEWS: President Bush said today he would not attack Iraq unless French troops were by our side. President Bush said he needed someone to train the Iraq's on how to surrender.