Jesus
loves me this I know, for the Bible tells me so!I
have known these words ever since my earliest memories as a child. I remember
walking to the bus stop as a kinder gardener and realizing that I needed to
accept Jesus into my heart as my Lord and Savior if I wanted to go to heaven so
I prayed right then and took care of it.Since
then I have spend my life, sometimes trying to follow God and sometimes not,
but never being really satisfied with my life and never really understanding
this simple phrase.A
few years ago I had a conversation with someone I am close too and they brought
up the topic of the little boy in me that needed to be healed. I replied very
matter of fact-ly that this would not happen in this lifetime. That this was
something that the Lord would take care of when we were in heaven and there
were no more tears. I am very thankful today to find out that I was wrong.It
is difficult to explain about all of that hurt because there were many
collaborating things the enemy had used to bind me up and hold my heart
hostage. A part of this came from a father who didnt know how to show love.
Over the years it became more and more important for me to earn his love and
acceptance, but it deteriorated into a case of either my having done enough to
be acceptable or else pointing out all the ways I had screwed things up.After
a while it didnt even matter to me if he made an effort to say I had done a
good job. I just didnt hear it and I certainly never felt like I was being
praised. Add to this times where I knew I had not done anything wrong but I was
punished for what others had said anyway. Then
there were the siblings. An older brother who was always the best, was always
allowed to do more, always had special privileges and so on. When it came time
to go to college my parents did everything they could to pay his way, but made
it clear that he would not be able to do this for me or my sister. And yes
there was a younger brother. I loved and looked out for him even though my
parents always took his side, even though he would lie to them to get me in
trouble and on and on.Now
after 51 years, I realize that all of this effected and limited my relationship
with the Lord. All of this caused me to look at myself as a second class
citizen at best. When something went wrong, it was because I did not deserve
any better. When people betrayed me, it was because I wasnt good enough, and
when I would go to the Lord and ask Him for something it was more like begging
for scraps or asking for the leftovers. There
was a direct relationship between how I thought my father and others viewed me
and how I thought God viewed me. Even though I had quoted the wordsJesus loves me this I know a
thousand times, I didnt really believe it. I knew that God loved me and had
saved me but I thought of it more like He had saved a refugee from some third
world country and had pulled me out of the gutter of Hell and eventually I
would go live in Heaven, but it wasnt like He was inviting me to come live in
His mansion and enjoy His wealth in this life time.But
this reality that I had been living all of my life is not what Gods Word says.
This is not what He promised to do for us. We are adopted sons. We are heirs
of all that He has. He promises not to withhold any good thing from us. I
allowed the feelings I got when people failed me become my reality. I allowed
lies from the pit of Hell control a major part of my life.The
truth is that God Loves me. The truth is that God longs to do good things for
me. The truth is God wants me to have the very best things in life. The truth
is, I can trust and believe Him for these things no matter how impossible it
may look.Over
the last few years there has been a lot of turmoil in my life. During this time
the Lord has promised to do several things and has mostly asked me to be still
and know that He is God. Every day I am attacked with thoughts about what if
things dont go the way the Lord has promised. Along with that it is easy to
succumb to anger and blame toward others which then tries to build into
bitterness and resentment. But this too is just more of the enemy trying to
keep me his prisoner in a futile life without Gods Love.The
truth is that when those feelings and thoughts come up I have a choice. I can
listen to them and dwell on them and become miserable and loose hope. Or I can
go to the Lord and say I cant deal with these feelings and thoughts, I dont
have the answers, You said you would do this, so you take these feelings and
thoughts because I cant deal with them. And when I do this, the Lord does take
them and He gives me peace. I am His son. He Loves Me!!!!
