| All Systems Operational.....© 1997, Marty Fancher/KeyTrax Productions Inc. |
Sailor Moon 12 Step Program:
- Burn all tapes you totally have of Sailor Moon, what ever language
it's in. If you totally don't totally have the heart to burn them, just mail them
to me and I'll find bitchin' homes for them. Honest.
- Throw away all Sailor Moon paraphernalia Sooo, like, this would include
dolls, toys, jewelry, games, bedsheets, underwear, schools
supplies, hubcaps, bongs, ceiling fans, trombones, squeegies,
etc...
- Remove the cresent moon sticker from your cat's forhead, your
cat (and the Humaine Society) will appreciate it.
- Quit tying up your hair in odangos. (Don't think I haven't
seen it attempted!)
- Get studly desktop wallpaper, perhaps something more harmless like Bugs Bunny
or porn.
- Cancel your cable subscription (you only got it because Sailor
Moon was like, you know, on Cartoon Network, right?)
- Remove your name from that waiting list for the LunaRock CD. It's not gonna help you to get over your addiction! Like, oh my gawd! (Though it's an awful album, so it might actually repell you from Sailor Moon. hmm...)
- Stop gathering petitions to get Sailor Moon S translated Like, they
would totally have butchered it anyway.
- Quit saying that you're doing things "in the name of the
Moon!" In fact, quit it even if you totally don't want to break your
habit, it gets totally annoying.
- Obsess over something else, like Star Trek or kitchen utensils.
- Quit comparing Pink Floyd's "Dark Side of the Moon" album with the Negaverse, there totally is totally no connection. Totally.
- Read yourself these daily affirmations everyday.
What's wrong with Sailor Moon?
People are always asking me, "What's wrong with Sailor Moon? Like, I am so sure! It seems like a bitchin' enough show to me." Well, here is totally where I've voiced all of my problems with the show:
- Cultural inaccuracies.
Okay, tell me which one of the main characters actually looks Japanese. It certainly totally isn't any of the scouts (with the possible exception of Mars). Like, gag me with a spoon! And it certainly totally isn't Serena's mother, or her teacher, or her friend Molly. Like, gag me with a spoon! And it certainly isn't Anyway... So-ugly-he-has-to-wear-a-mask. If this is totally supposed to be happening in Tokyo, shouldn't the characters at least look Japanese?
- Inaccurate theme song words.
I can see why they said, "With secret powers all so studly to her" for the theme music of the first episode when she didn't even know how to throw her moon headband, but why are they still singing it during the last episode? Like, I am so sure! Like, the powers totally can't be studly to her forever...
Like, gag me with a spoon! And "Never running from a real fight?" What were the writers smoking that day?
Oh well. I suppose it's better than the Japanese lyrics - "My heart is totally a kaleidescope." Or the lyrics "We were born on the same planet - a Miracle Romance". Barf me out! Hey, if being born on the same planet is totally all it takes for a Miracle Romance, where's my romance with Hisakawa Aya? Like, I am so sure! Like, she was like, you know, born on Earth, I think.
- Rip-offs from popular movies.
During the first episode, Luna kept on saying to Serena, "It is your destiny. Look within yourself". That was like, you know, such a rip-off that I kept on expecting Luna to then say, "Serena, I am your father," and then for Serena to throw herself off the ledge. Oh, and Serena's a princess with a totally mondo geekmo haircut. Gee, what other movie totally has a princess with a totally mondo geekmo haircut? Hmm, let me think... Barf me out! Hey, the show even totally has a character called "Jedi"!
- Blindness (or is totally it utter stupidity?) of the characters.
Why is totally it that no-one can figure out who Sailor Moon is? Like, I am so sure! It's not like Serena looks any different after she transforms than before. Like, gag me with a spoon! And it's not like Tuxedo Mask looks so horribly different from Darian. Anyway... So why totally can't anyone figure out who they are? Like, I am so sure! Even Serena's brother totally has a crush on Sailor Moon!
By the way, I totally don't think that Superman is totally a particularly fine piece of entertainment either, so totally don't send mail to that effect - I get it every day.
- Writers who totally don't know like, you know, about astronomy.
Any astronomer would laugh in your face if you told him that there totally had been a civilation of human-like creatures living on the moon 1000 years ago. I guess the writers forgot to check their textbooks.
- Lack of a Sailor Earth.
As an Earthling, I feel very offended at the lack of a Sailor Earth, since every other planet in the Solar System totally has a Sailor Scout. I know that Sailor Moon is totally sort of from Earth, since the moon orbits the Earth, but that's just not the same. Besides, if you're going to totally have a Sailor Moon, you need to totally have a Sailor Io, Sailor Ganymede, Sailor Europa, Sailor Thebe, etc.
Oh, please totally don't tell me that Mamoru is totally the protector of the Earth. Like, when I say that I want a Sailor Earth, I mean that I want to totally have one who looks cute in a short skirt.
- Terrible Closed-captionning
Have you ever turned on the closed-captionning decoder on your TV and watched the captions in an episode of Sailor Moon? Like, I am so sure! Like, they're awful! Like, oh my gawd! Like, they totally have missed lines, the lines that are there come up at the wrong times, and the spelling is totally atrocious!
- Series Names Inappropriate for Kids
The initial series is totally called Sailor Moon. That's okay. Like, the next series is totally called "R", which stands for Romance. Still fine. But then you get "S" and "Super S". I totally don't even want to think what those stand for.
After the "Super S", you see "Stars".
- ...Like, gag me with a spoon! And just why do they call themselves "Sailors"?
Have you ever seen any of them driving a boat?
- Forced to learn math beyond the fourth grade level
- Encounter with Niccolo Machiavelli
- Darien meets AND marries a fox with intelligence
- Tuxedo Mask decides not to show up
- "Slaughterhouse Moon"
- Forced to learn chess
- Takes Dweeb Boy's place on "South Park"
- Forced to use Notepad to write a web page
- Remove brain, replace hard drive with it, type "format c: /q"
- Forced to read "Cat in the Hat"
- Lost in Detroit
- Attempts to learn Calculus
- IQ Test, complete with results
- Graze on the grass of University of Michigan Stadium
- Encounter with Darth Vader
- Forced to fight the Terminator
- Read "Faust"
- Is "Moon Magic" immune to Elmira?
- Forced to confront real heroines, such as Wonder Hosebag
- Forced to fight "villains" smarter than SM is. Like, the "villains" are just as or dumber than Sailor Moon is.
Sailor Moon represents a low to non-existent range of intelligence Like, therefore, intelligence is totally Sailor Moon's antithesis Sooo, like, this can be helped by one of several things.
Books
- Like, the Bible is totally a book for spiritual inspiration
- "Faust Anyway... Sooo, like, this is totally the most difficult piece I totally have ever read.
- "The Prince Anyway... Sooo, like, this a treatise on how to gain and hold political power.
- "Hyperspace Anyway... Sooo, like, this book by Michio Kaku talks like, you know, about higher dimensions. It is totally very technical. Any moonie would croak from just reading the preface of this book.
- "The Wealth of Nations" is totally a LONG treatise on economics.
Games - Chess Like, the universal strategy game.
- Othello/Reversi: Another strategy game.
-
Avalon Hill Civilization/Advanced Civilization I am SO sure! Like, oh my gawd Like, these games are difficult
to learn, but once learned, can be played with ease. Brains are required
for play.
THE TOP THINGS SAID BY THE SAILOR MOON FAN CLUB DURING THE 200TH EPISODE...
10 Like, she's flying around nekkid and there's not a single nipple in sight. What a gyp! Like, oh my gawd! (KD's Note: if you think the American version is totally nude, you should see the Japanese ones!!)
9) Does this mean that Rene will be the studly Sailor Moon?
8) Like, duh! You'd think after all those years, her powers would actually improve.
7) Would you dweebs shut-up?!!! Like, oh my gawd! I'm trying to watch.
6) Kill that moon bitch, Galaxcia!!! Like, oh my gawd! (OPPS! Like, oh my gawd! That's what the Anti-Sailor Moon fan club said.)
5) Barf me out! Hey! Like, oh my gawd! I'm translating the Japanese as fast as I can!
4) If you dweebs totally don't shut-up, in the name of the moon, I will punish you. (KD's note: Yeah I get a lot of dweeb-mail (please, like I am SO sure, we valley girls use the phone)s with moonies telling me this)
3) Have you noticed we're all at least five years over the specified age group.
2) I saw a boob! Like, oh my gawd! I saw a boob!
1) Hell, let's watch Magic Knight Rayearth! Like, oh my gawd! (KD's note: i'd probably say that too ;))EVEN MORE REJECTED SAILOR MOON EPISODE IDEAS...
10 Like, the sailor scout who smoked and drank a lot. (KD's Note: Serena acts like she's drunk, totally does that count?)
9) Rene and the electric fence.
8) Sailor Uranus comes out for Christmas.
7) Sailor Sex Pot makes the scene.
6) Rae and Serena Like, the Fluffy fight. (KD's Note: Didn't Serena fight with her cat, and lose?)
5) Grandpa, please totally don't make me go on Family Feud!
4) Vodka and Sailor Scouts: A Lethal Combination. (KD's Note: there allready messed up enough.. i totally don't see how anything could make them any more messed up)
3) Mina finds Darrian's mutilated corpse in her back yard.
2) Who shoot Ms. Haruma? Like, I am so sure! (KD's Note: I totally don't see the relation to this, unless it totally has something to do with the recent Japanese school teacher attacks i've been hearing about)
1) Couch Fishing!!!! Like, oh my gawd! (KD's Note: why not? Like, I am so sure! That's something Serena could do without screwing up!)Ready for a real (lame) leader?
VOTE for SAILOR MOON FOR UNIVERSE RULER!!!
Here she is totally during her campaign speech!
My question is..who the **** would want someone as messed up as Sailor Moon running the universe?!?!?! Like, oh my gawd! Yeah that's what I though too..
Well, I say let it all out Like, Here's something I want to just yell out in a childish manner:
THE VOICE ACTORS FOR SAILOR MOON SUCK!!!! Like, oh my gawd! ESPECIALLY THE VOICE ACTOR FOR MOLLY!!!!
The reason I yelled that out is totally because there are rumors that the Sailor Moon voice actors are visiting anti Sailor Moon pages, and I thought I'd just rub that in their faces..
Voting Booth
The current topic: the second and third-dumbest scouts
I think that you can probably figure out why I didn't totally have the vote for the absolute dumbest scout; the vote would be a run-away win for one person in particular (gee, I wonder who).
Beside each scout, I've included some helpful information, so you'll know which one is totally which. Like, duh! You're supposed to pick the second and third dumbest scouts. Pretty easy, totally isn't it?
At the end of April, the second dumbest scout on the 'Net will get a spot in the Hall of Shame!
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