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NOTICE: All Jazman's Jive newsletters are now accessible from this page!!!
Other Pages Of The Jazman's:
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Jazman's Jive Captionings:
A page with all of the captionings from all of the Jazman's Jive newsletters.
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Jazman's Jive # 2
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Jazman's Jive # 12
I'll make this short since most of you already know what Jazman's Jive is. Jazman's Jive a comedic monthly newsletter which I independantly write and distribute. It's been running since June of 1997, and has never earned me a cent because it's free. It is distrubuted over the internet and at the local comic store, Fantasy Realm. That's about it. The first issue is provided on this page. If you wish to receive any other issues, contact me at bigstinkymoose@hotmail.com and ask for a certain issue. (You can always ask for my favourite one too.) To become a part of the Jazman's Jive newsletter mailing list, or to change your current e--mail list address, click here!!! That does it for this section.
Hi there all you fellow Jivers. If you're wondering, I'm the Jazman and this is my Jive. Seeing as you're still here for some reason, I may as well provide you with some entertainment. For those of you who don't know or haven't caught on, this place is chock full of wholesome sillyness. It's a place where all walks of life, even mooses and armadillos, come to laugh. And if you find this page offensive please notify me so that I may make a mockery out of you. I don't really know what to say. Lets see where it goes shall we?
Well, it seems
that the page has led us to some sort of lolygager cave of majestic bananas and
cromulent orangutans.
This is basicly where I just talk. But since I'm a funny guy... Correction: But since I'm THE funny guy, it's bound to be a nifty experience. I would like to take this time to thank me. Why? Because I'm my own best friend. I'm always there when I need me. And I always listen to and understand myself.
Well, now that that's over with, I can get on with the Cave Of Laughter.
(low level of enthusiasm) Yay me. If you are hear, being this page which you are on, as of present, which you are, because you are reading this, you are either a manic depressant or you have a very sick mind. Oh don't even try to tell me that you're not here! I know you are! Oh yeah?
Well then where are you??? HA!! SO THERE!!
Hey!
I feel like talking again. Big surprise, right? I again have
nothing to say, of course. But I feel like talking, so I'm gonna talk. Someone came up to me the
other day and asked, "Jazman, what's the meaning of life?" And I said to him, "Bananas my friend.
Bananas." His funeral was very nice. He had a big blue coffin and there were lots of flowers.
I felt a little out of place wearing jeans and a T-shirt, but how was I supposed to know people dress
up for these kinds of things. Why, when my brother died we just threw him out by the side of the
road, and within half an hour someone had come by and taken him.
People are realy strange that way.
I remember the good old days when the family would go around looking for corpses, and when we were
luckey enough to find one, we'd drag it home for mother to cook. Sure they were a little salty,
but food is food. Now a days, of course, that sort of thing is shunned upon. I don't know why. The
only thing different is that the bugs eat them now instead of us. And there's more hunger in the world.
They've turned death into a sad thing. People used to rejoice when someone died. Will they ever learn?
You might have noticed a few changes to my page as of late (more pics, more pages, etc.), that's because I found
some spare time. If you've got anything to tell me,
Go for it. You can also send letters to the editor here for the newsletter.
Hey! I've got a great idea!!! Lets look at my first newsletter in a non-newsletter form!!!
Jazman's Publication
Hey y'all and welcome to the first ever issue of Jazman's Jive. If the contents in this issue offend you in any way, make sure to notify me and I'll make fun of you in the next issue.
For your reading pleasure I work 'round the clock to complete this newsletter. This very column is being written at 1:30am. As the paper expands you will see many columns such as theories, movie reviews, interviews, weather, and the latest in breaking news. I encourage you to write letters to the Editor column. Address them to:
I would like to take this time to thank the many people who helped make this paper possible. ME!
- Thank you Jazman.
- Your welcome Jazman. I'd do anything for me.
- Aw. How sweet of me.
- I know.
Well that about sums it up.
Let the newsletter begin.
Closed captioning brought to you by... Mular's Used
Latex Inc. Helping people bring pleasure to people all around the world.
Plastic Pants Productions. Helping feed the world from a small
aquatic city in Roswel.
Why Pigs Don't Fly.
Last Tuesday scientists concluded their three year, top secret study on why pigs don't fly. This is the first the public has heard of the news and as usual I'm on top of things to give you the beef. I had a personal interview with Doctor R.F. Negative. The results of which are seen below.
Jazman: What was it that got the priject started in the first place Dr?
Dr. R.F: It all started with my theory on prehistoric pigs. These pigs had a small set of wings and could travel up to 70km/h. They were twice as big as the pigs today and preyed upon small billygoats.
Jazman: Why are pigs today not like the pigs described in your theory?
Dr. R.F: That's because the pigs in my theory evolved into fruitbats and pigs today evolved from rhinoceroses.
Jazman: I see. Are you on any form of medication?
Dr. R.F: No.
Jazman: Why are pigs today not suited for flight?
Dr. R.F: There are a number of reasons why pigs today are not suited for flight. For example: Their too fat, their too slow, their too stupid, they don't have wings. But the main reason they are not suited for flight is their nose. A pig's body is so aerodynamic That jet airlines design their jets in the same basic shape. Except for the nose.
Jazman: What's wrong with the nose Dr?
Dr. R.F: Well if you look very carefully at the nose of a plane, you may notice that it is pointed, while the nose of a pig is flat. This is the only thing that keeps pigs from flying.
The pig's nose being flat causes wind resistance. So much wind resistance, in fact, that it keeps the pig from running at speeds more than 5km/h. The nose of a pig is also so heavy that pigs have trouble standing up. Until now scientists have thought that pigs lay in the mud to cool down. But now we know that it is because the nose of a pig is so heavy that sometimes it just falls over.
Jazman: This is what you spent the last three years of your life on?
Dr. R.F: Yes.
Jazman: Are you sure?
Dr. R.F: Yes.
Jazman: Well there you have it. Pigs don't fly because their noses are too heavy and not because their too fat, too slow, too stupid, and don't have wings. This is the conclusion of three years of research.
Recently the Japanese government has been mysteriously steeling farmland from inhabitants of the country. Although this has nothing to do withour lives, I got the interview anyway.
Jazman: How do you feel about the Japanese government steeling your farmland?
Farmer: Boku hooru kaerutachi ni kishatachi.
Jazman: Yes, I've heard reports of that sort of thing happening. Tell me, what did you farm before your land was confiscated?
Farmer: Boku nameru butachi.
Jazman: I hear that's quite popular in Australia. But I still don't see where NASA fits into all of this.
Farmer: Boku shooben suru.
Jazman: Well I guess that means we're going to have to cut this interview short.
The Japanese government, party for democracy or farmland sneak-thief? You be the judge.
In sports, boxing champ Iron Mike Tyson was disqualified from his match with Ivander Holyfield for repeatedly biting Ivander's ear. Tyson told reporters that he was only showing affection for his opponent and did not mean to hurt him. Apparently Ivander never issued a challenge to Iron Mike but in fact replied to a "special interests" classified ad. He also said that the boxing match was just a way for them to see each other again although it was not intended to get naughty until after the fight.
Donovan Baily and Michael Johnson will rake in even more money at their rematch. The rematch is scheduled to be held in a parking lot in Los Vegas. The two will attempt to run the length of a 150m coarse. If neither of them are able to complete the coarse, the last one to get mugged will be proclaimed the victor.
There is a typhoon warning for the down town Brockville area due to the bellyflop contest taking place
at Riverfest. Apparently George Wendt (best known for his role as Norm in TV sitcom Cheers) has entered himself into the contest.
Also in Brockville, tremors were detected for the first time ever in the area as heards of topless women waltzed down King St.
George Wendt was reportedly seen falling to the ground in an attempt to look up one of the women's skirts at approximately the
same time the tremors were detected. In related news, the English language has over 800 000 words including technical terms.
Well, that about does it for this edition of Jazman's Jive. I hope you've enjoyed my little paper. Till next time, I am outta here..
(These links will be changed in a short while to something good.)
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