(Dija, SupersonikSnail Studio, 2000)
_My father disapper into oblivion leaving my mother his precious poverty. She cant aford to raise her 2 children but she already got 10, plus the incoming. Me. My presence will only add up to the unbearables. She went for abortion. The doctor gave some injections to kill the fetus inside her but my will tolive is too strong, even the poisonous chemical supposed to kill me but i keep growing until i finally made it to the fresh air outside. My lifespan is longer than i thought. I survived the chemical warfare inside the womb. Its a boy, they said. Its what they think. The images and the data translated to their brains by the image falls on their naked eyes. I was adopted by couples who wanted a baby boy. my new parents willing to raise a kid & i am their first experience raising a kid.
_As i growing up,...only few memory that i have of the past. I cried, i laugh, i shout, i scream and i noticed,... i notice that i am not like others, but hell lets have some more fun!!!, It's life, i am happy i live,...but sometimes i sit back and question myself the purpose of life,..yup!,..dont waste time lets live life to the fullest, but still,...i dont know why i feel so different. I always dream,...dream of something weird, something opposite of my nature...but somehow i know i'm different. I had a dream and inside there i am my opposite sex.
_I been through kindergarden, primary school, secondary school, college and now working, climbing the corporate ladders. My earliest memory that i can recall so far that i was different was the time between kindergarden and primary school, I asked my cousin to become the bad guy trying to kidnap me which is the beautiful girl. I scream for help. My god how embarassing it is to picture that. After that during the same period when nobody around i try to put on my sister's swimming suit, but it was too small. (Very embarassing). There once in school where i play this game which a werewolf have to find its victim. my partner was the wolf and all the kids go hiding. He found me and jump right behind me. I shrieked. He laugh histerically but manage to pause and said "You screamed like a girl!!!" Well, another embarassing moment, but i kinda like it because it is something that represents myself. I dont know how else to express the situation of having this feeling.
_Secondary school sucks. I dont have much friends. But i attempt to get one but the rest are disposable. I stayed in hostel, my friend stayed at his house near the school. After school when he went back i'll end up empty and i missed him so much. There was another guy in my class i always look at. He is handsome, kind, likes to smile a lot. Once he made me cry because of something stupid, and because of my moodswing,...he succeeded in pursuading me and his smile, i will never forget him. There was anither guy. A pet brother of my friend. He is so handsome and kool and he likes to draw a lot. We have the same hobbies. First time my friend inroduce him to me, i ran and hide somewhere, from here you can see how thick is my level of shyfulless. How embarassing, feels like meeting your future husband. Earrrttggghhkkk!! ;p~ & ^_^'. You see, since i was small i have the feelings of my opposite sex but it was subconsciously, in didnt suface just yet.
_During secondary school also i heard the first time about this sex-change,...suddenly i feel hope. I been using 90% of my time during school thinking about this. But i kept it inside, nobody suppose to know. Shhh,..and in secondary school also i learn that i cant change because in Islam we are thought not to change what god has given to us. i buried the dream. Here, in my country we have drawn the line where only hermaphrodite or those intersex people can do so, because they have evidence, the presence of a female genitals. They can choose. I was still thinking a lot, my dream is still strong, and still hoping that i can do something with my situation. I always look out for articles about transsexuals. I collected them, but my mom like to ransack my room looking for her long lost treasure god-knows-what. I threw everything away at the back of my house. I was quite scared she might found out my agenda.
_After secondary school i spent a year helping my parents at their restaurant. This moment i feel terrible,...i cant bear my problems, i'm dying day by day. This shit in my head keep on mounting, I always refuse going out with my family just to explore my sister's room, look for things i could wear. Everytime i'm going out to the mall, the place i been to was those female attire shops. I only wis i could have them. I always update myself, what the girls are wearing at the moment. the shiload keep on mounting on my head, i need somebody that i can talk to.I thnk i'm going to die because of migraine. Really, i thought of this before.
Why me?why am i different? Sometimes i cried at night in my bed. I wish somebody could change me to my trueself and take me away, i wish i wake uop tomorrow as a girl. Sometimes when i sleep at my relatives, i even wear some of my cousin clothes. The bras, the hipsters, i like to browse through their closet, without them knowing of course.
_Since i was small, i saw many people like of my type. I dont now wether they are transsexual or transvestite, or simply gay...here in Malaysia they are called 'Pondan' or 'Bapok' or 'Khunsa', well the term is rather insulting,...i dont want to be called that. I dont act like one. I just want to be like any other normal girls, but maybe because of this body, you know what are the results.
_I did quite bad in exam, probably because of the daydream power, and my parents agreed to send me to a private college since i like art. Maybe they think i'm different, like this arty type person, maybe because of my weird behaviour. I didn't talk much compare to the rest of my family and relatives. I just dwell myself in my dreams and think about what is hgoing to happen to me next, or what can i do, what are my alternatives. Can i survive this life given to me?
_In college, i have some good friends, i made friends through the same interests, and that is Anime, this Japanese comics and animation. Yeah, i really like anime, but rightnow i dont want to talk about that. Some friends notice that my behaviour is sometimes different, maybe because i cant control it.
If this body is a female, than it would be normal i guess, but most of the time i act normally.Well, i guess most of the friends i know already well understood me, but maybe they haven't heard of the word transsexual before. Sometimes they refer me as a female character in one of the Anime movies. ^_^'
_Some of friends i made is through music either. Influences in music gave me no porblem in looking for friends. I tried to talk to my friend, but halfway i'm blank. I dont know how else to put it into words. So i just forget it, life goes on. During this time also i have freedom to buy my own feminine clothes, but my friends never find or suspect anything. See, how professional? even at my house nobody ever find out my activities.
_After college, this negative thought s came again. It continuing mounting on my head, i really need somebody to talk to, everynight i cried, i prayed, i cried and i prayed. After college most of my friends going their own way, some study in Australia and U.S., some still here. So i'm pretty lonely. I just needed somebody to interact. I tried giving hints to my sister about my problems, but i scared everybody in my family and relatives might find out. I have so many relatives. I always imagine giving a speech to all of them at once, what i been through all these years. It was terrible. How are they going to understand? I dont think they ever going to understand. I dont think they ever come across something like this in their life. I'm sorry i happen to be part of them.
_I get a job through friend. As a webdesigner who know nuts about the internet. When i entered the company, most people especially the nerds who do the programming look down at me. I have to learn from the scratch. I learn by myself bit by bit. Its the same time where the economic crisis hits the nation. I quit the job. But before that during the 10 months of working there, i have found somebody who has listened to my problems. She is my pet sister. She ask me how my life was, and i said wait till i write a brief of it, and so i did. It took me three days and two nights i spend on a weekend to write. I spill all, everything, i let it out. I think i finnished the whole box of tissue, writing down the pain i tried to recall since the beginning of it. I want to make sure that she understand my problem well. At least i have somebody who knows me well before i die. That was my thought at that time. She read and understood me. But again she thought i belong to those transvestite people. But she understands my feelings well. What i want in this life, like any other normal girls. She always comfort me, i told her i about this mother-daughter relationship, and she's already there as my new mom. That's why i called her Mama. We've been talked and argued about this transsexual thing a lot. Most of her opinion and perspectives are from a Muslim point of view.
_Once she said 'why didnt god create you as a female from the start?' Maybe you would become a hooker later in life with lil bit of sarcastic. Well, for me its the same thing in asking why didnt god make all human perfect? Why there is such incapable or spastic people? I noticed, most of gods creations ranging from the most perfect ones to the most imperfect onesbecause that is the spice of life. The differences make us human specials. We get to learn each other. So that's why i think transsexuals are special. Our understanding in both sexes are better. Eventhough its a hell of a burden being one. We expect everybody to treat us right , not through our looks but our innerself, our true gender, that is also why we force ourselves to change to our true ender so the society can treat us right.
_I have read so many articles in magazines especially locals, the story is like a mother being upset because their son claims that he actually is a female. The mother cought the son red-handed
dressing up. This is one of the many stories here i often read.Many parents here doesnt have any clue or even have the slightest understanding in this transsexual issue. Many of them were driven out from their home because of the status and the image of the family. But i surprised when found out some family actually accept their transsexual son/daughter with open heart. Eventhough all this hatred comes from our believes, we must also understand that all of us are still human being. To god we are all the same. It is just a matter of understanding, and to learn each other.
_Okay, nuff of that, after few years of working, my mom told me that i'm adopted. To her surprise i told her that i knew i am adopted since i was small. I still remember i saw the certificate of adoption, eventhough she never made one for me. It's a strange thing the way god wants to make it easier for both of us. I just grateful being raised by her. All that she provided, love and everything else.
_Research shows that Transsexual is caused by factors (such as critically timed hormonal release caused by stress mother or by the presence of hormone mimicking chemicals present during critical developement) which interfere with fetal developement. Transsexual also occurs in animals such as apes, monkeys, dogs, rats & mice, among those studied.
_My mom never suspected anything about me, for years i just told my pet sister everything about me and my problems. She said maybe one day we can meet each other and explain this to her.
But my mom sense something weird, something fishy is going on. She ask me so many times, and i just said fine, nothing happen to me, she keep asking wether i have some kind of disease or something. I had given some clues, maybe she gets the idea but scared to dwell further to that matter. At last she get the answer herself without asking me. She do this (Sembahyang Hajat) in Islam its a kind of pray asking for answers or show the right path, every night she prays and Allah gave the answer whats wrong with her son/daughter. In the dream she saw me just about to finnish my shower, I am naked and while getting my towel she saw my body is a female!!!!!
After getting this dream the next day she called and ask me the million dollar question. 'You want to be a girl, dont you??' I said where you get the idea from? she told me about the dream she just had.
I told my pet sister with joy, that my mom finally get the message. I am so happy to hear about the dreams, it is like a dream come true. But only for that moment,...my mom wants to take me to the doctor and cure me, meaning that giving me testerone. I try again explain to her and eventually lay everything off and get on with this life. My father didnt eat for three days after knowing my agenda.
What can i do??? My mom did asking me some weird questions like do you have wet dreams?...I said i have none and its true. Is it true that a normal male guy have a wet dreams every month like a female having menstruation???? This beats me, can anybody email me and explain about this?
_Even in my sexual fantasies involving me being a female.
_Anyways, my pet sister did some questioning on me, testing me just like the Jennifer COGIATI test (www.transsexual.org). After she evaluates me she understand me more. But she still looking for answers behind this gender dysphoria. What makes me sad sometimes she still refering me as a softie. One day i called her friend, and this friend of her ask 'Who was that girl?' and she said 'That was no girl, its a softie'. when she told me this i was really upset because some people wont get it or 100% believe this TS thing. This kind of thing makes me tense and upset. Thats what makes me want to change to my realself. In other words change my sex!!! People force me to change because they didnt get the pictrure!!! I just want to be treated right.
_Another reason is my mom thought that i am influenced by other trannies (another term for transsexual people). I dont want to mess my mind with those things anymore its just becoming complicated. I just want to move on live my own life and i will prove that i am for real.
_Through TS friend on internet, i know which is the right hormone pills to take, until right now it has 2 years. I took herbs before because i heard they have natural estrogen but one of my TS sister (Serena) scolded me because they are dangerous and can effect my health. At that moment i dont care if i die. Many friends and relatives noticed my changes . They keep bugging my parents with same questions. Asking if i have been influenced by my friends, why is he changing, the looks, the breast and everything. I know its hard for my parents to understand, they been through hard times to answer. Im sorry i cant help stopping the path of my nature. I have life too, i dont want to live on their expectations. They are not me, they dont know what i have been through and felt all this years.They are not in my shoes. I have my own dreams. I been thinking of suicide, severe my genitals and all those will only causes pain back to me, so i have to take the only option that i already taken right now. Now all my relatives should know why i always not along with them whenever they ask me to follow, why i am the black sheep of the family, the misfits. Why i always keep away from them all these years. I just play my role given to me. I do not choose this kind of life, i just have to continue and be grateful to have live. That's all. Its great to learn, see and meet people from all walks of life, and i am grateful for that.
_Well, there's not much more to explain as i guess everybody knows and encounter this kind of story before. I'm still keep on going ahead with my life, still hoping and searching for any breakthrough or miracles behind this mysterious dysphoria. Through internet also i learn a lot of things i never knew, some answers i have found and some not. Thanks to www as an effective form of communication as well. Close the curtain.
Genesis
2ndary school
A year of loathing
College
Pet Sister
Local News
The Message
Path of my nature
The End of a Beginning

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