duh.. cool stuff
OKAY CHECK IT OUT THIS PAGE IS UNDER CONSTRUCTION RIGHT NOW BUT WILL BE FULL OF SOME COOL STUFF LIKE....
YEAH!!!! IT'S PHIL ANSELMO!!!
(REMEMBER THIS IS NOT A DIS BUT IT IS TOO)
and now some other cool stuff
The deftones.....one of the best bands on this planet. Well I think so and if anyone doesn't like that then they can shove it and drive away.....far and i have 7 words to say to that--
"taste the black vengance of my semen!"
MORRIS: The headlines tonight - Bottomley refreshed after three days on cross, Branson's clockwork dog crosses Atlantic floor, and sacked chimney sweep pumps boss full of mayonaisse.
OPENING TITLES
MORRIS: Welcome! On The Day Today tonight, David Owen emerges shattered from Oliver Reed-
OWEN: I don't think I've ever seen such... anything so totally wanton and ghastly. A mess, terrible.
MORRIS: -and Portillo's wife defends crack habit.
OLD BLOKE WITH BEARD AND BOW TIE: It's cheap, very cheap.
MORRIS: Hello you. Prince Charles has volunteered to put himself in prison, to highlight the plight of Britain's jails. The Prince made the announcement at some speech or other he was giving today, and said he wanted to set an example.
PRINCE CHARLES: Set an example.
MORRIS: The Prince has been preparing for his ordeal for the last two months in a practice prison in a Rolls-Royce factory, sharing his cell with an old school friend. When he starts for real at Brixton next Tuesday, he'll be expected to muck in like any other convict detained at his mother's pleasure, adopting the regulation haircut and activity programmes. The Prince's choice - making a brush.
PRINCE CHARLES: I'm determined, as far as I'm concerned, to try at least, and in that sense it will be my own small contribution towards a vision of Britain.
MORRIS: The American serial killer Chapman Baxter is to be executed tonight in a state prison in Tennessee in a manner of his own chosing. CBN's Barbara Wintergreen reports.
[Cut to NTSC quality video footage, complete with hideous blurriness and people with green and orange skin. The scene is a prison, and a cell full of Elvis memorabilia.]
WINTERGREEN: Tennessee state penitentiary. For some it's Death Row, but for convicted mass murderer Chapman Baxter it's the last night at Heartbreak Hotel. Baxter is an Elvis fan, and tomorrow he dies like a king.
BAXTER: I always been a poor boy, never done anything with my life, always taken from any community I ever been in. I figured I just wanted to die glorious, I just wanted to die like the King, Elvis Presley.
[Shot of guards wiring a metal toilet bowl up to the mains.]
WINTERGREEN: A special death bowl has been installed for this gruesome Presley demise.
BAXTER: He died on the toilet full of drugs and cheeseburgers. When I go I ain't going on no 'lectric chair, I'm going an an electric toilet.
WINTERGREEN: Like Presley, Baxter will gorge on cheeseburgers and drugs until he reaches 650 pounds. The historic weight will trigger the electric current and see Baxter skip dessert. Among those watching Baxter get all shook up is Tennessee Presley fan club president Alvin Hollier.
WINTERGREEN [INTERVIEW]: Some people might say that this was debasing the memory of the King. Would you agree with that?
HOLLIER: No ma'am, the King did that himself by dying on the john in a big nappy.
[Shot of someone stuffing the mouth of a 'Cabbage Patch Elvis' with a felt cheeseburger.]
WINTERGREEN [V.O.]: A special cheeseburger line in grim Elvibelia has gone on sale to commemorate tomorrow's pan fry.
WINTERGREEN [INTERVIEW]: Maybe after today that *is* how people will think of the King.
HOLLIER: [Giggles like a redneck from Deliverance] You could be right there.
WINTERGREEN [V.O.]: Press and protesters conduct a silent vigil outside this special Disgraceland as inside, Baxter chooses his backing vocals.
BAXTER: I figure "Jailhouse Rock"'d be kind of appropriate, or maybe "Are You Lonesome Tonight" always moved me some.
[Cut to shot of Baxter, dressed as Elvis, being led to the electric toilet.]
WINTERGREEN: At dawn, all hope of a retrial gone down the pan, Baxter prepares to return to sender. In a few moments' time, America will watch the Presley stand-in eat his sit-down meal with a difference, and if he eats too much he may come out in a hot flush.
[A marine starts to sing "Are You Lonesome Tonight" as Baxter begins stuffing himself with drugs and cheeseburgers.]
WINTERGREEN: So, as Baxter turns as blue as his suede shoes, this is very definitely one burger King with extra fries to go. Barbara Wintergreen, CBN, at the Elvecution at Tennessee state penitentiary.
[Behind her, Baxter starts to shriek in agony as the current cuts in. Back to the studio.]
MORRIS: Tomorrow sees the opening of the London Jam Festival, selling pots of jam, some made by celebrities, to raise money for the homeless. With me is one of the organisers, Janet Breen. Janet, good to see you - this must have taken a heck of a lot of organising.
BREEN: Yes it has, actually, to get all the celebrities to contribute their jam has really been quite an operation.
MORRIS: How much of your time did you put into it?
BREEN: Oh, I would say at least six months.
MORRIS: Six months! To raise money for a jam festival? Isn't that rather stupid?
BREEN: [Surprised] No I don't think so, it's all in a good cause.
MORRIS: A good cause, yeah, but how much are you going to raise?
BREEN: We hope to raise at least fifteen hundred pounds.
MORRIS: Fifteen hundred pounds?!? That's a *pathetic* amount of money! You could raise more money by auctioning dogs!
BREEN: Well I don't think so, I, I, I think it's all in a good cause and very worthwhile-
MORRIS: You persuaded these celebrities to waste their time donating to it?
BREEN: Yes-
MORRIS: Well, who?
BREEN: Er, Glenys Kinnock we've got, and Sebastian Coe-
MORRIS: I *hate* Sebastian Coe!
BREEN: [Getting upset] Well I feel he's made a very worthwhile contribution-
MORRIS: What, to the paltry sum of fifteen hundred pounds?
BREEN: Yes!
MORRIS: Is that worth six months of your time?
BREEN: Well I think it is-
MORRIS: I don't think it is at all! I think the only reason you've done it is to make yourself look important! How dare you come on this programme and say "Hey look at me, I'm raising fifteen hundred pounds for the homeless"! You could make more money sitting outside a tube station with your hat on the ground even if you were twice as ugly as you are, which is very ugly indeed!
[Breen breaks down in tears. Morris adopts a low, sympathetic voice.]
MORRIS: Has this been upsetting for you? Have you anything else to say in your defence?
[Breen shakes her head. Morris turns smugly back to the camera - another media lamb slaughtered on the altar of news!]
MORRIS: Janet Breen, thank you!
VOICEOVER: Ultra news!
MORRIS: Now comments from you the public in 'Speak Your Brains'.
['Speak Your Brains' is a vox pop section with Morris interviewing celebrities and genuine members of the public.]
VOICEOVER: The law!
MORRIS: Tightening up the law. Is it required today?
MAN ON STREET: Yes, I think so.
MORRIS: In what areas?
MAN: I think we have to do something about drug peddling.
MORRIS: If they ran into the newly tightened-up law, would it smack them up sharp, or would it catch them gradually?
MAN: Smack them up sharp.
MORRIS: Sort of jerk their head back.
MAN: Yes, certainly.
MORRIS: Let's see if we can nail this down in terms of this elastic band. [Produces one and twangs on it.] Would you like to see the law tightened up to this tightness, tightness number two, or tightness number three?
MAN: Tightness number three.
MORRIS: Tightness number three. Like this? [Twangs the band again.]
MAN: Yes. I think we've really got to hammer these guys.
MORRIS: So that tightness being an average Post Office band extended over about eight inches?
MAN: Yes, I think so.
[Back to the studio.]
MORRIS: Sport now, with Alan Partridge. Alan, you're a keen fan of the law, aren't you?
PARTRIDGE: I certainly am, I support the law fully. Not too keen on those that break it, though.
MORRIS: How do you support it, then?
PARTRIDGE: Just generally... support it.
MORRIS: What, just generally turn up on a Saturday afternoon and wave at it from the touchline?
PARTRIDGE: [Totally lost] What? [Recovers] This is Sportsdesk, I'm Alan Partridge and it's a special desk of sport now, as we look back on some of the sporting highlights of the last sporting season. So lie down, relax, and let the sports commence.
[A montage of sporting events. First up, cycling.]
PARTRIDGE: If it's cycling championships you're after, you can't say fairer than the Tour De France.
PARTRIDGE [COMMENTATING]: Dave Bradaur there in the lead, swaying from side to side in his own inimitable bike-riding way. Klaus Binthere on the inside, pumping away with those gristle-like muscley legs inside those tight lycra shorts which have become his trademark. [A team car with spare bikes on the roofrack enters frame.] And I don't know what this man is playing at! No way! Surely the judges must come down like a ton of bricks on that. Carrying bikes on the top of a car is not a sportsmanlike way to run this race. [An aerial view of events.] You join me now in the helicopter as we look down on these cyclists that look somehow like cattle in a mad way, but cattle on bikes. [The finish line.] And there's Sven Gunsoon, closely followed by his close friend and teammate Klaus Bin- and the man with the bikes on his car is, yes! He's disqualified as I said, and Klaus Binthere wins. Riding none-handed! No need for that.
PARTRIDGE: It was a belter of a season for athletics.
[A 1500 metres race.]
PARTRIDGE [COMMENTATING]: 1500 metres there, and Cram... not a lot happening, quite unremarkable actually - oh good, someone's fallen! It's Peter Elliot! Yes! He's down, Peter Elliot, no relation to the late Denholm... and come on Pete, back on your feet, you can catch up with them! No, he can't be bothered.
PARTRIDGE: But it was upsets all the way in the dive championships.
PARTRIDGE [COMMENTATING]: Greg Lugani, down, double back twister, bangs his head and in. Textbook. Lovely. Let's see it again. He boings down, up in the air, double back twister, comes down, bangs his head on the board and in. Lovely! The judges surely will give him high marks for that.
PARTRIDGE: But for my money, the best punches were being pulled this season in the boxing ring.
PARTRIDGE [COMMENTATING]: ...as he's affectionately known to me. Thank goodness actually they're wearing gloves, because I've witnessed bare knuckle boxing in a barn in Somerset about three years ago, and it was a sorry sight to see men goading them on in such a barbaric fashion. And I'm rather ashamed to say I was party to that goading, two men fighting as I saw in the barn that night, naked as the day they were born and fighting the way God intended. Wrestling at points - I don't know if you've seen "Women In Love", that marvellous scene by the fire. It kind of resembled that.
PARTRIDGE: I'm Alan Partridge, and that was my sporting season. Why don't you join me for another one? Join me.
MORRIS: Thanks Alan. Time now for our resident humourist Brandt, the physical cartoonist from the Daily Telegraph, to cast a wry eye at the week's events. It certainly has been some week, hasn't it Alan?
PARTRIDGE [IN BACKGROUND]: Yes.
MORRIS: And so with that in mind, Mr Brandt - put us in the picture.
BRANDT: Thanks Chris. Well this week, John Major's had to walk a bit of a political tightrope.
[Shot of Brandt standing on a black line drawn on the floor. It is labelled 'Political Tightrope'. Brandt, wearing a pair of John Major glasses, is holding a set of cardboard cutout weights labelled on one side 'Weight Of Public Opinion' and on the other 'Back Bench Discord'. He raises one foot and wobbles about while making Majoresque 'Ahhh' noises.]
MORRIS: Sylvester Stuart has today's weather. [Morris flicks his eyes about as if unsure what camera of about twenty to look at.]
[Sylvester Stuart is a disembodied head that floats about a map of Britain. The maps are overloaded with all the usual animated weather symbols.]
STUART: Starting in the southeast, where it'll be misty tomorrow with a droplet density of about 50,000 per spherical inch. That's rather as if the mist were hugging the ground like an over-affectionate and rather damp dog. Over to East Anglia and the Midlands, there'll be a warm day tomorrow, about 20, that's the sort of warmth you might feel on a January morning walking into a heated drawing room after chopping some wood. And finally, into the north of England and Scotland - a strong and highly long-lasting day tomorrow, with hail aimed down vertically from above, and there'll be a 30% chance. In summary then - breezes. And that's all the weather.
[Speak Your Brains]
VOICEOVER: The law!
MORRIS: We're looking today at the letter of the law. Any problems?
MAN IN ANORAK: Um, well, I've just been worried about what I've been watching on TV recently, about all these fit-ups.
MORRIS: What about a poster campaign to promote the letter of the law?
MAN: Yeah, I think that'd be a good idea.
MORRIS: TV campaign?
MAN: Yeah, possibly, yeah.
MORRIS: And how quickly would you like to see this sort of action taken?
MAN: Immediately.
MORRIS: Immediately?
MAN: Immediately, yes.
MORRIS: So here we are in the immediately future, looking at a poster on the wall of the letter of the law. Red on blue - what letter is it? What single letter, the letter of the law? Agh.
MAN: Mmm?
MORRIS: Agh. What letter is it?
MAN: Agh?
MORRIS: No, what letter is it?
MAN: Erm...
MORRIS: What letter is it? The letter of the law.
MAN: [Ponders it for a moment.] 'J'.
MORRIS: J. In red, on blue.
MAN: Yeah.
[Cut to 'Enviromation'.]
ROSIE MAY: Enviromation from me, Rosie May. Britain is soon to have its first portable cemetary. The cemetary, which opens to the size of a football pitch and features real soil, holds up to a thousand corpses. The portable cemetary saves waste. Scientists in Alaska have found a gap between the horizon and the Earth. The gap, which is nine miles across, is believed to have been caused by recent storms which tore the horizon from its moorings. A team of civil engineers has now set off to lash the horizon back down with steel. I'm Rosie May, and this is my planet.
MORRIS: Take a look at this.
[Cut to the self-explanatory 'Church Clip'. A reporter stands in front of a church and gives a piece to camera.]
BEVERLEY SMAX: This is St Barley's church, in Coventry.
MORRIS: That sequence will be featured in a full report on the Church of England which is coming up now.
SMAX: If you mention the Church of England to most people, they'll immediately think of the sacrements, and the holy blood of our lord Jesus Christ. But to many within the church, there is another ritual - the ritual of the bullying ritual. Ex-curate Peter Littleton was intimidated by his very first vicar.
LITTLETON: I went to the bathroom to wash after dinner, and I found my flannel in the toilet. Another time, I went into the bathroom and all the bristles, bar one, had been cut off my toothbrush. Another time, he put bleach in my shaving cream, and Mrs Cape stifled a giggle.
[While this has been going on, Smax has been offering utterly insincere comforting gestures, including putting her hand on his arse.]
SMAX: I see. [The 'Church Clip' returns!]
SMAX: This is St Barley's church, in Coventry.
SMAX [V.O.]: Barley's vicar Bobby Sky is a former bully himself, but has now decided to speak out.
[Sky is a 'trendy vicar', who greets Smax with a full-on kiss to the lips.]
SKY: A young deacon was being inordinated, then during the inordination ceremony we would hum during his sermon, so we would be going "mmmmmmmmmmmm" and he would be trying to speak, not knowing who was humming.
SMAX: How many of you were humming?
SKY: About 200 of us, 200 vicars all going "mmmmmmmmmmmmmm".
SMAX: But while some are brave enough to speak out, others are still quietly being beaten up. Here in the vestry of St Champs in Coventry, we've rigged up one of our cameras to record some bad ecclesiastical hurting.
[Cut to a surveillance camera hidden high in the wall of the vestry. Three men are in the room.]
VICTIM: I'm sorry, Bishop, I'll do it again.
BISHOP: [Mocking] "I'm sorry Bishop, I'll do it again." Why are you always being such an arse, hmm?
VICTIM: I don't know, Bishop.
BISHOP: "I don't know, Bishop, I don't know, Bishop." Fold it properly! [Grabs a cloth from the victim's hands and throws it on the floor, then slaps him around the head. The other vicar joins in and starts kicking the victim. Both laugh.]
LITTLETON: Yes, I was picking up the hymn books, these exact books, and I was stacking them like so, and I'd stack them up to my chin, so I was really at full stretch with about 30 hymn books, and he said "Come on Peter, you can fit another one in there!" I said "No, I can't, I really can't," but he pushed another one in and said "You can fit another one in" and I said "I can't" so he pulled my head right back, so my head was like this, and I thought I was going to choke. And then he ran along this pew like that [demonstrates] and threw the books, and yelled "Pick them up! Pick them up!"
[The vestrycam. The victim is cowering on the floor.]
BISHOP: You're a rather foolish boy, Jeremy. Clean it up, we'll be back later. [Giggles madly.]
LITTLETON: The bullying has got to stop. Stop the bullying, start taking care of your flock. Pick on someone your own size, God's bigger than all of us.
MORRIS: And since we recorded that report, everyone featured in it has lost their hair.
VOICEOVER: The Day Today - slamming the wasps from the pure apple of truth.
MORRIS: The Home Secretary's new methods for dealing with neighbourhood noise have been introduced this week by Broxbourne police, and it looks like they're working. Noisy people have been a problem in Broxbourne for years, but now if the police recieve more than five complaints against a single household, they just turn up and release a tiger through the front door. So far, they say the Home Secretary's new measures have been 100% successful.
MORRIS: This weekend, BBC2 celebrates changing attitudes in the last 35 years of television with Attitudes Night.
[A black and white piece of footage. A gallows is being set up in a studio, and a man walked towards it. A caption reads "Hanging From Studio B2" (1953)]
CONDUBLASNEY [pronunced "Corin"] PIPER: Here we are at the hanging - it's a very sombre atmosphere, the condemned man has just arrived with the executioner, Mr Albert Marsh, who's highly respected.
MORRIS: The evening begins with a chance to savour again Great Britain's last televised hanging.
PIPER: It's a nylon-hemp mix rope tonight, for the first time ever. That's what he wanted, that's what he's got - it's to guarantee extra strength.
[Cut to a b&w 1960s Coronation Street-type kitchen sink soap opera. A caption reads "Frampton Row" (1962).]
MORRIS: The Sixties saw television breaking taboos again and again with Frampton Row, the first popular weekly serial to use swear words.
WOMAN: I'm not made o' money, especially since Eddie Copfield and his bloomin' lids.
MAN: Oh aye.
WOMAN: Go on then, I'll have the Express. There you are, you big hairy cock.
MAN: Ta.
WOMAN: Tarrah, then.
MAN: Tarrah, ya shitter.
[Cut to "Scrutineer" (1968). The presenter is facing camera, with a woman's head just visible frame bottom at his waist height.]
PRESENTER: These days, it's very fashionable amongst young people to do what I'm doing now. I'm being fellated by a young girl known as a "groupie". It's an interesting feeling, and certainly quite relaxing. [Fade to black, then back in again.] Well, it's half an hour later. My initial reaction was one of intense joy, but that's now been replaced by a vague feeling of inadequacy and gloom. It's not an experience which I can see catching on, but neither is it one which I regret.
MORRIS: But while some programmes broke taboos, others, like "Them Next Door", would in time become taboo themselves.
["Them Next Door" is a 1972 sitcom, and about as un-PC as you can get without doing it on purpose - like the real ones of the time...]
WOMAN: It's him from next door again.
MAN: What's he want now, eh?
[Him from next door enters - he's a stereotyped Pakistani character.]
HIM: Ah, Mr Eddie. I was wondering if I could be borrowing a cup of sugar for my lunch.
MAN: What's he say?
WOMAN: He said he wants you to give him a punch.
MAN: Ah. [He does so.]
HIM: Oooh, ooh! You misunderstanding me, I am asking for sugar. That is why I am here.
MAN: I can't understand a bleedin' word he's saying!
WOMAN: He says he wants you to give him a thick ear.
MAN: Oh, right. [He obliges.]
HIM: Oooow, ooooh!
MORRIS: The same went for Channel 4's "Kiddystare", the show which featured naked two year olds romping for the pleasure of adults.
[A group of adults, men and women, are gathered around a large playpen, staring fixedly at the occupants. Unbelievably, this spoof was based on a real programme, 'Minipops'!]
[Back to the hanging.]
PIPER: I must say, it's looking in excellent condition. And yes, yes! The lights have gone out, it's a good clean drop! There's the hanging, well done, well done. They'll be pleased with that. And to play us out, we have Johnny Stoppard. Johnny, what are you going to play for us tonight?
STOPPARD: "Fancy Lady".
PIPER: "Fancy Lady", well fancy that. This is Condublasney Piper bidding you goodnight. Goodnight!
[The credits roll as "Fancy Lady" is played on a Hammond Organ. The credits include "Condublasney Piper with Comper Newton, Robin Bozazz", "Keyboards Jonathan Cohen", "Last rites read by Derrin Nesbitt", "Home Office advisor George Clinton", "Produced and directed by Malcolm Muggeridge".]
MORRIS: So join us for the start of the evening with the hanging. That's Attitude Night, this Friday on BBC2.
MORRIS: Coming up - more cathedral dumping in Leicester-
{A man is standing in front of a church. He points at it.]
MAN: There was two of them, two bishops - they come along and just dumped it here and legged it off down the road.
MORRIS: -and Manchester police powerless against new weapon menace.
[A policeman holds up a tortoise and a length of drainpipe.]
POLICEMAN: Basically, one of these and one of these has a range of 50 feet and can bring down a helicopter.
MORRIS: Time now for business with Collately Sisters.
SISTERS: Thanks, Chris.
MORRIS [off camera]: Take her off the monitor, I don't want to see her face.
[All the time Sisters is talking, a stock ticker is running along the bottom of the screen. Every number on it is a 4.]
SISTERS: And no let-up today for British manufacturers, there were large profit slumps for Securivadge and United Haha. Down 6.4, Joanny Collins perhaps units on a lower third rung. There was better news for Edgyledgywedgebarge, who mustered 2.41 up 88 very slightly [she smiles wryly for no reason], but Oxymacgee flew back a ninth, despite a creeping bid from Connected Breathdumps at four. On the currency markets, how did the pound fare? A quick glance at the currency cat.
[The 'currency cat' is a CGI graphic, where each leg of the cat represents the finances of four countries - Britain, Germany, America and Japan.]
SISTERS: Not too well I'm afraid, there's a disconcerting 47 degree slope against the dollar, the yen and the mark, and if we project, in four months the pound leg is effectively amputated, leading to a rogue leg with no hip constituency at all. Overall then for tomorrow's markets, good evening. Slightly fractuous in the nines and sevens. Chris.
[As Morris leads into the next item, he carefully places an Uzi on his desk.]
MORRIS: Alternative medicine has been growing steadily in popularity for the last seven and a half years. The latest fad is sending thousands of patients scurrying to a medieval hospital in Dartmouth. Iggy Pop Barker reports.
[Through the wonders of Quantel, the next item is vomited from Morris's mouth. A doctor is performing a Gregorian chant over a patient. Caption: "Iggy Pop Barker - is reporting."]
BARKER: Bile chanting. You won't have received this kind of treatment before, unless you're 500 years old. The Sancter's hospital in Dartmouth specialises in medieval healthcare, and offers a range of historic remedies at 21st century prices.
[A doctor sticks a scalpel deep into a patient's hand.]
DOCTOR: This should really get rid of the melancholy here. Sore a bit?
BARKER: Physical complaints, like the hardened lump on this woman's foot, are treated as symptoms of spiritual disorder.
[Another doctor prepares a woman's foot for surgery, starting with her ankle.]
DOCTOR: I'm going to make the incision here, and make the incision all the way around here, to the other side, and then cut through, and remove this foot, and then take it away and bury it with some gooseberrys.
[A swimming pool. An old woman is being attended by another doctor.]
BARKER: This woman is a witch, and is being talked through the drowning procedure.
DOCTOR: What we'll be doing is pushing you in this pool...
WOMAN: I see.
DOCTOR: ...and if you sink to the bottom you're clear, and if you float to the top obviously we're going to have to attach some weights to you and drown you.
WOMAN: Do you want me to walk down the stairs?
DOCTOR: Yes. We'll just give you a bit of a shove.
[Back to the bile chanting.]
BARKER: Dr Philip Yohansen is Europe's leading practitioner of bile chanting. He was one of the four doctors and ten patients killed in this morning's blaze. Firemen say the chance of finding anyone else alive is minimal.
MORRIS: Real events, shot by chance on amateur equipment, are increasingly putting professional news crews out of business. [He grins at the thought.] Remedy Malahide reports.
[Morris sticks an electrical cable into his mouth and starts to convulse. The camera pulls back to show a studio technician recording the event on a camcorder.]
MALAHIDE: A common studio accident - a man being electrocuted in the face by a loose cable. But what made the accident uncommon was that it was caught on one of these - [She points to a camcorder] - a home camcorder. Hello, I'm Remedy Malahide. And tonight I'll be showing you just a couple of the many thousands of unattractive events poured onto a lens by you the public in... "Genutainment". First, these remarkable scenes of an audacious bank robbery were captured by Miss Susan Bryers, who owns the security cameras at the Norwood branch of Natwest.
[A group of bank robbers in Michael Jackson masks moonwalk their way through a robbery, doing spins and kicks as they exit with the loot.]
MALAHIDE: The real capturing happened soon after. Our reality eyefest continues courtesy of St John's ambulance unit, who filmed this disturbing spectacle of a distressed caterer who had her finger trapped under the page of a book.
[We see a middle-aged woman writhing in agony, her finger exactly where Malahide described it - under a page of a book. Presumably not light reading...]
MALAHIDE: Photo actuality now, and Mrs Mandy Hell captured these snaps while out walking her brother on Wandsworth Common. The unnamed woman had been pierced by a shaft of frozen urine which had fallen from the toilet facility of an overhead plane.
[A dead woman is lying on the grass. Protruding from her stomach is a ten foot long yellow icicle.]
MALAHIDE: And finally, Mr Peter Dexy of Lancaster sent us amusing footage of a baseball attack outside his home. If you listen carefully, you can hear that Mr Dexy's living room cuckoo-clock happened to strike in time to each smash of the bat.
[A man on the ground is being hammered with a baseball bat. As the bat strikes, the soundtrack goes 'cuckoo!'.]
MALAHIDE: But on now to our main visual splash. Real-life tales of danger and rescue, which thanks to this little child - it's a camcorder - we can actually show you each week on 'It's Your Blood'.
[A bucket of blood is splashed over a white-painted brick wall. The blood flows away, leaving only the words 'It's Your Blood' smeared in red down the brickwork.]
MALAHIDE: Every week on 'It's Your Blood' we feature an actual bad accident, and show how you can avoid a similar fate. This week - Chopper Of Doom.
[A scene of a helicopter in a field.]
REPORTER: Helicopters - machines with blades for cutting air. Air that's soft and easy to slice, like human beings. If a helicopter hits the ground at 100 miles per hour, it can be rebuilt. But for a man, made of crushable bones and ligaments that tear, it's not quite so easy. In recreating the horrific events of the 12th of December 1992, we've persuaded the original victims to face that ordeal again. We also use real video footage of the nightmare - all bodily fluids shown are the ones which actually emerged at the time. For this reason and many othe
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