Jokes: The good, the bad and the ugly
Warning, some of these jokes may offend some people. They are jokes, I recieved from different people, and they are here for amusement purposes. They do not represent any of my racial or sexual views nor of any of the people who sent them to me. (surprisingly only females have sent me these). If you are easily offended do not read on!
Oh and they are not all rude!
MALES POINT OF VIEW
Q. Why did God give men penises?
A. So we'd have at least one way to shut a woman up?
Q. What's the difference between a paycheque and your dick?
A. You don't have to beg a woman to blow your paycheque.
Q. How is a woman like a laxative?
A. They both irritate the shit out of you.
Q. What's worse than a male chauvinist pig?
A. A woman that won't do what she's told.
Q. What's it called when a woman is paralysed from the waist down?
A. Marriage
Q. Why are hangovers better than women?
A. Hangovers will go away.
Q. What are the small bumps around a woman's nipples for?
A. Its Braille for "suck here".
Q. Why do most women pay more attention to their appearance than to improving their minds?
A. Because most men are stupid but few are blind.
Q. What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts that a 25 year old doesn't?
A. Her navel.
Q. Why do men die before their wives?
A. They want to.
Q. Did you hear about the guy who finally figured out women?
A. He died laughing before he could tell anybody.
Q. What's the difference between a woman with pms and a pitbull?
A. Lipstick.
Q. Why is a woman like a dog turd?
A. The older it is, the easier it is to pick up.
Q. Why are women like screen doors?
A. Once they get banged a few times they loosen up.
Q. What's a wife?
A. An attachment you screw on the bed to get the housework done.
Q. How do you make your wife scream for an hour after sex?
A. Wipe your dick on the curtains.
Q. What's the most active muscle in a woman?
A. The penis.
Q. Why do women have tits?
A. So men will talk to them.
Q. What's the difference between a woman and a coffin?
A. You come in one and go in the other.
Q. How do you make love to a fat chick?
A. Have a wank in your hand then throw it at her.
Q. Why do women close their eyes during sex?
A. They can't stand seeing a man have a good time.
Q. What's six inches long and two inches wide and drives women wild?
A. Money.
Q. What do you call a Playboy centrefold who's a lesbian?
A. Bitch.
Q. How can a woman tell she's flat chested?
A. She looks down her dress and the two bumps she sees are her knees.
Q. What are the three reasons why anal sex is better than vaginal sex?
A. It's warmer, it's tighter and it's more degrading to women.
Q. Why is a pussy like a warm toilet seat?
A. They both feel good but you wonder who's been there before you.
Q. What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a light bulb?
A. You can unscrew a light bulb.
Q. Why do women have periods?
A. They deserve them.
Q. Why did God make man first?
A. He didn't want a woman looking over his shoulder.
Q. What do Kermit the frog and Roseanne Barrs' husband have in common?
A. They both enjoy fucking pigs.
Q. What do you call the useless piece of skin around a pussy?
A. A woman.
Q. What's the definition of a male chauvinistic pig?
A. A man who hates every bone in a woman's body, except his own.
Q. If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag you, what have you done wrong?
A. Made her chain too long.
Q. Why was the woman crossing the road?
A. Who cares! What's she doing out of the kitchen?
Q. How many women does it take to change a light bulb?
A. None, they just sit in the dark and bitch.
Q. What do you call a 300 pound woman?
A. Fat.
Q. Why are hurricanes normally named after women?
A. When they come they're wild and wet, but when they go they take your house and car with them.
Q. What's the difference between your wife and job?
A. After 5 years your job will still suck.
Q. Why did God create lesbians?
A. So feminists couldn't breed.
Q. Why did the army send so many women with pms to the Persian Gulf?
A. They fought like animals and retained water for 4 days.
Q. Why is a fat woman like a moped?
A. They're both fun to ride, but you wouldn't want your friends to see you on either.
Q. Why can't you trust women?
A. How can you trust something that bleeds for five days and doesn't die.
Q. What's the best thing about a blow job?
A. Ten minutes silence.
Q. Why do women rub their eyes when they get up in the morning?
A. They don't have balls to scratch.
Q. What's the difference between a female and a toilet?
A. You can dump your load in a toilet and it won't follow you around for weeks like a bad smell.
WOMANS POINT OF VIEW
Q. How does a man take a bubble bath?
A. He eats beans for dinner.
Q. How can you tell if a man is sexually excited?
A. He's breathing.
Q. What is the difference between a man and ET?
A. ET phoned home.
Q. What is a man's idea of foreplay?
A. A half hour of begging.
Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds?
A. Bonds mature.
Q. What did God say after creating man?
A. I can do better.
Q. What do beer bottles and men have in common?
A. They are both empty from the neck up.
Q. What do you call a man with half a brain?
A. Gifted.
Q. How can you if a man is happy?
A. Who cares.
Q. What does a man consider as a 7 course meal?
A. A hot dog and a six pack.
Q. What do you have when you have 2 balls in your hand?
A. A man's undivided attention.
Q. Why are men like laxatives?
A. They irritate the shit out of you.
Q. Why did God create man?
A. Because vibrators can't mow the lawn.
Q. What are the 2 reasons men don't mind their own business?
A. 1) No mind
2) No business
Q. How are men and parking spots alike?
A. The good ones are always taken and the ones left are handicapped.
Q. Why is it hard for women to find men who are sensitive, caring, and good looking?
A. Because those men already have boyfriends.
Q. How is a man like a snowstorm?
A. Because you don't know when he's coming, how many inches you'll get, or how long it will stay.
Q. Why were men given larger brains than dogs?
A. So they wouldn't hump women's legs at cocktail parties.
FIVE REASONS COMPUTERS MUST BE FEMALE
1. No one but their creator understands their logic.
2. Even the smallest mistakes are immediately committed to memory for future reference.
3. The native language used to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else.
4. The message, "Bad command or filename," is about as informative as "If you don't know why I'm mad at you, then I'm certainly not going to tell you."
5. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheque on accessories for it.
THE PERFECT STORY
There was a perfect man who met a perfect woman. After a perfect courship, they had a perfect wedding. their life together was, of course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve this perfect couple was driving along a winding road when they noticed someone at the roadside in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.
There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys. Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple and Santa Claus had an accident.
Only one of them survived the accident. Who was the survivor?
Answer: The perfect woman.
Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and no such thing as a perfect man.
So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the perfect woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.
Once upon a time, there was a guy sunbathing nude. He saw a little girl coming towards him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he had been reading. The girl came up to him and asked,
"What do you have under the newspaper, mister?"
"A bird," the guy replied.
The little girl walked away and the guy fell asleep.
When he woke up, he was in a hospital in tremendous pain. When the police asked him what happened, the guy replied,
"I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this girl asked me about my privates, and the next thing I know is I'm in here."
Police went back to the beach, found the girl, and asked her,
"What did you do to that naked fello?"
After a little pause, the girl replied,
"To him? Nothing. I was playing with the bird and it spit on me, so I broke its neck, cracked its eggs and set its nest on fire."
A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but she listens in horror as one of the men says the following:
"Emma come first. Den i come. Two asses, dey come together. I come again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more."
"You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly, "in this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!"
"Hey, coola down lady," said the man, "Imma just tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi."
The circus was about to go on tour and placed an ad for an animal trainer in the local paper. Only two applicants showed up, a rough looing guy smoking a cigar and a gorgeous female. She looked more like a model than a trainer, wearing a very long flowing cape, carrying a whip and a chair.
The circus owner said he could only afford one animal trainer so he would choose the one who had the best act.
The circus owner asked who would like to go first, and they guy said
"Ladies before Gentlemen"
The female asked for her special music to be played and once the music started she entered the cage with a flurry of whip snapping and chair waving. She took a long look at the tiger and then motioned for the attendant to release it.
The tiger leaped into the cage snarling and clawing hte air. Teh young lady threw aside her whip, flung back her cape and sat on the chair naked and beautiful as the day she was born. the tiger circled her slowly, growling and sniffing the air until it suddenly bounds up to her, puts its huge head between her legs and tarts licking loudly.
She throws back her head moaning, holding the tiger byt he ears and wraps her legs around the tiger. The circus owner looked over at the guy and said,
"That's quite an act she has there, think you can do better than that?"
The guy takes a puff of his cigar and said,
"No problem, just get that fucking tiger out of the cage."
A dwarf with a lisp goes to an agricultural show to buy a mare. He wanders around until he comes across a beautiful mare inside a small enclosure with a farmer standing at the gate. He goes up to the farmer and says:
"Excthuth me, can I have a look at your horth?"
"Sure," says the farmer, "come on in."
The dwarf wanders round and round the mare and then stops, says to the farmer
"Her eyeth, her eyeth, I want to see her eyeth."
The farmer has to bend down and pick up the dwarf to show him the mare's eyes.
"Nith eyeth, nith eyeth, I like thith horth, I like thith horth, I think I want to buy thith horth."
Once again the dwarf wanders around the horse, in turn asking the farmer to pick him up and show him the mare's ears and exclaiming
"Nith earth, nith earth, i like thith horth, I like thith horth, I think I want to by thith horth."
The farmer is starting to get pissed off by this stage because the dwarf is quite heavy.
Suddenly the dwarf stops in his tracks and says,
"Her twat, her twat. I want to see her twat."
The farmer, infuriated, picks up the dwarf and drives him head first into the mare's backside. He leaves the dwarf's little legs kicking and wanders off to talk to his mates for a couple of minutes. He then comes back and extracts the dwarf from his predicament,
"SCHLOOOOP!"
The dwarf wipes himself dwon and says,
"I think I better wephase that, I'd like to thee her gallop!"
There's this penguin driving down the road and his car broke down. He walked to the nearest garage. The mechanic told him that he was busy at the moment but would check out the car as soon as he could. The penguin had a bit of time up his sleeve so decided to go buy a Banana Paddle Pop. Waling back to the car on such a warm day the penguin spilt the ice-cream all down his front. When he arrived back at the car the mechanic was already under the car checking out the engine.
The mechanic got up and said,
"Looks like you've blown a seal."
The Penguin replied,
"Come on mate, it's only ice-cream."
Q. What do you call two lesbian penguins?
A. Sticky beaks.
One evening a couple of old friends decided to get tattoo's after a long night of drinking. The first guy asked the tattoo artist to put the name of his wife on his arm. After the artist had finished, he asked the second guy if he wanted the name of his wife on his arm too.
He decidede that he wanted a hundred dollar bill tatooed on his pecker. The artist ask what in the hell for. The second man replied,
"First of all I always like playing with my money, second I like to watch money grow, and finally the next time my wife blows a hundred dollars I won't mind so much."
A pretty blonde woman is driving down a country road in her new sports car when something goes wrong with the car and it breaks down.
Luckily, she happens to be near a farmhouse. She goes up to the farmhouse and knocks on the door. When the farmer answers, she says to him,
"Oh, it's Sunday night and my car broke down! I don't know what to do! Can I say here for the night until tomorrow when I can get some help?"
"Well," drawls the farmer, "you can stay here, but I don't want you messin' with my sons Jed and Luke."
She looks through the screen door and sees two men standing behind the farmer. She judges them to be in their early twenties.
"Okay," she says.
After they have gone to bed for the night the woman begins to get a little horny just thinking about the two boys in the room next to her.
So she quietly goes into their room and says,
"boys, how would you like me to teach you the ways of the world?"
They say, "Huh?"
She says, "The only thing is, I don't want to get pregnant, so you have to wear these condoms."
She puts them on the boys, and the three of them go at it all night long.
Four years later Jed and Luke are sitting on the front porch, rocking back and forth. Jed says,
"Luke?"
"Yeah, Jed?"
Jed says, "You remember that blond woman that came by here about four years ago and showed us the ways of the world?"
"Yeah," says Luke, "I remember."
"Well, do you care if she gets pregnant?" asks Jed.
"Nope," says Luke, "I reckon not."
"Me, neither," says Jed, "Let's take these things off."
A ventriloquist is working down South and during his show a hick stands up and yells,
"HEY YOU! ON STAGE! You been making smart-ass remarks about us southerners being supid all night long! We're not all stupid ya know!"
"Relax" said the ventiloquist. "They're just jokes!"
"I'm not talking to you, sir!" The hick "I'm talking to that little bastard sitting on your knee!"
A baby camel said to its mother one day:
"Why do I have such long eyelashes?"
"And why," said the little camel, "do I have such big feet?"
"That's so you don't sink down in the desert sand."
"And why do I have a hump on my back?"
"That's so you can carry a large quantity of water so you can survive for a month in the desert."
"Well then Mummy, what the bloody hell am I doing in the ZOO?"
A boy goes shopping with his Dad and they go into the chemist. He sees packs of condoms and asks his Dad why are they put into packs of 3, 6 and 12.
Dad replies "When you are in High School, you can buy a pack of 3 so you can use it on Friday, Saturday and Sunday."
He asks "How about 6?"
Dad says "A pack of 6 is used when you go to College so you can use it from Monday until Saturday."
And he wonders when can he use a pack of 12?
Dad says: "When you get married and you're at my age, you can use one for January, February, March...."
An old man and old woman met after both became residents at a retirement home. The began to get pretty friendly, and really enjoyed each others company. After about 3 weeks of gtting to know each other, the old man said to the woman,
"I know we are both old and can't do much sexually anymore. But if I pulled out my penis, would you hold it?"
The woman did not see what that would hurt, so she said she would.
Every day for the next month the couple would sit in the park by the lake and the old woman would hold the man's penis. One day the man didn't show up at their regular meeting place. The woman became concerned and set out to search for him. Further down the shore she spotted him sitting on a bench, with another woman beside him. She walked up to the bench to find his penis in the other womans hand. This upset her very much and she yelled at the old man,
"We have been together for 2 months now, I thought we were getting along just fine. Now I find you here with this other woman. What does she have that I don't?"
"Parkinson's!", replied the old man with a smile.
RODNEY DANGERFIELD'S BEST ONE-LINERS
A girl phoned me the other day and said ... Come on over, there's nobody home. I went over. Nobody was home.
If it weren't for pick-pocketers I'd have no sex life at all.
And we were poor too. Why if I wasn't born a boy ... I'd have nothing to play with.
During sex my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
One day as I came home early from work ... I saw a guy jogging naked. I said tot he guy ... Hey buddy ... Why are you doing that? He said ... Because you came home early.
It's been a rough day. I got up this morning ... put on a shirt and a button fell off. I picked up my briefcase and the handle came off. I'm afraid to go to the bathroom
When I played in the sandbox the cat kept covering me up.
I could tell that my parents hate me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
My mother never breast fed me. She told me that she only liked me as a friend.
My father carries around the picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
When I was born .. the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father ... I'm very sorry. We did everything we could ... but he pulled through.
My mother had morning sickness after I was born
I remember the time I was kidnapped and they sent a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.
Once when I was lost ... I saw a policeman and asked him to help me find my parents. I said to him ... do you think we'll ever find them? He said ... I don't know kid ... there are so many places they can hide.
My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.
I worked in a pet shop and people kept asking how big I'd get.
I went to see my doctor. Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror ... I feel like throwing up; What's wrong with me? He said ... I don't know but your eyesight is perfect.
My psychiatrist told me I'm going crazy. I told him ... If you don't mind I'd like a second opinion. He said ... Alright ... you're ugly too!
When I was born the doctor took one look at my face ... turned me over and said. Look ... twins!
I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of slepping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
A small guy goes into an elevator, looks up and notices a huge dude standing next to him. The big dude looks down upon the small guy and says,
"7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."
The small guy faints
The big dude picks him up and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him and askes the small guy,
"What's wrong with you?" he asks
The small guy says,
"Excuse me, but what did you say?"
The big dude looks down and says,
"7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."
The small guy says,
"Thank God! I thought you said 'Turn Around'."
TOP TEN THINGS THAT SOUND DIRTY AT THE OFFICE BUT AREN'T
10. I need to whip it out by 5!
9. Mind if I use your laptop?
8. Put it in my box before I leave.
7. If I have to lick one more, I'll gag.
6. I want it on my desk, now.
5. HMMMMMMMM....I think it's out of fluid.
4. My equipment is so old it takes forever to finish.
3. It's an entry-level position.
2. When do you think you'll be getting off today?
AND THE NUMBER 1 THING THAT SOUNDS DIRTY AT THE OFFICE, BUT ISN'T
1 It's not fair...I do all the work while he just sits there!
A farmer walked into an attorney's office wanting to file for a divorce. The attorny asked,
"May I help you?"
The farmer said," Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorce's."
The attorney said, "Well do you have any grounds?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got about 140 acres."
The attorney said, "No, you don't understand, do you have a case?"
The farmer said, "No, I don't have a Case, but I have a John Deere."
The attorney said, "No you don't understand, I mean do you have a grudge?"
The farmer said, "Yea, I got a grudge, that's where I park my John Deere."
The attorney said, "No sir, I mean do you have a suit?"
The farmer said, "Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays."
The exasperated attorney said, "Well sir, does your wife beat you up or anything."
The farmer said, "No sir, we both get up about 4:30."
Finally, the attorney says, "Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?"
And the farmer says, "Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her."
WOMANS CONFERENCE:
At the 1997 World Women's conference the first speaker from England stood up:
"At last years' conference we spoke about being more assertive with our husbands. Well, after the conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer cook for him and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day i saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had cooked a wonderful roast lamb."
The crowd cheered.
The second speaker from America stood up:
"After last years' conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his laundry and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I saw that he had done not only his own washing buy my washing as well."
The crowd cheered.
The third speaker from New Zealand stood up:
After last years' conference I went home and told my husband that I would no longer do his shopping and that he would have to do it himself. After the first day I saw nothing. After the second day I saw nothing. But after the third day I could see a little bit out of my left eye."
The Qantas jumbo is near the end of its flight, and the co-pilot announces this to the passengers over the intercom.
Unfortunately he leaves the intercom switched on. The pilot loosens his tie and puts his feet up, the 300 passengers hear him say to the co-pilot,
"The first thing I'm going to do when we hit Hong Kong is have a few cold relaxing beers, then I'm going to screw that new blonde hostie."
The blonde hostie is aghast as she rushes forward desperately trying to get to the intercom switch. She trips and sprawls in the aisle. A little kind old lady leans down and pats her hand ...
"There, there, there's no hurry, dear, he said he was going to have a few beers first."
This bloke is sitting on a train eating a bag of fresh prawns, ripping the shells off and throwing them out of the window.
He has eaten a few when the woman opposite says
"Would you mind not doing that, its disgusting to watch".
He says
"Listen love, its got nothing to do with you, I've paid my fare for this journey and I'll do what I want on this train"
and he carries on ripping off the shells and throwing them out of the window and eating the prawns.
Finally he finishes the bag and settles back to have a sleep. The woman then starts knitting - all the bloke can hear whilst he is trying to sleep is the incessant clicking of the needles.
After about 15 minutes he sits up and says to the woman,
"Could you stop that noise, can't you see I'm trying to sleep".
"It's got nothing to do with you", replies the woman, "I've paid my fare and I'll do what I want on this train."
At that, the man grabs the woman's knitting and throws it out of the window. She gets up and pulls the communication cord.
He says
"Ha ha, you'll get fined 200 pounds for that".
She says
"And you'll get 6 years when the police smell your fingers!"
The Washington Post Report in which people were asked to tell Gen-Xers how much harder they had it in the old days:
Second Runner-Up:
In my day, we couldn't afford shoes, so we went barefoot. In the winter we had to wrap our feet with barbed wire for traction. Bill Flavin, Alexandria
First Runner-Up:
In my day we didn't have MTV or in-line skates, or any of that stuff. No, it was 45s and regular old metal-wheeled roller skates, and the 45s always skipped, so to get them to play right you'd weigh the needle down with something like quarters, which we never had because our allowances were way too small, so we'd use our skate keys instead and end up forgetting they were taped to the record player arm so that we couldn't adjust our skates, which didn't really matter because those crummy metal wheels would kill you if you hit a pebble anyway, and in those days roads had real pebbles on them, not like today. Russell Beland, Springfield
And the winner of the velour bicentennial poster:
In my day, we didn't have no rocks. We had to go down to the creek and wash our clothes by beating them with our heads. Barry Blyveis, Columbia
Honorable Mentions:
In my day, we didn't have dogs or cats. All I had was Silver Beauty, my beloved paper clip. Jennifer Hart, Arlington
When I was your age, we didn't have fake doggie-do. We only had real doggie-do, and no one thought it was a damn bit funny. Brendan Bassett, Columbia
Back in the 1970s we didn't have the space shuttle to get all excited about. We had to settle for men walking on the crummy moon. Russell Beland, Springfield
In my day, we didn't have days. There was only time for work, time for prayer and time for sleep. The sheriff would go around and tell everyone when to change. Elden Carnahan, Laurel
In my day, we didn't have fancy health-food restaurants. Every day we ate lots of easily recognizable animal parts, along with potatoes drenched in melted fat from those animals. And we're all as strong as .... AAGGKK-GAAK Urrgh. Thud. Tom Witte, Gaithersburg
In my day, we didn't have hand-held calculators. We had to do addition on our fingers. To subtract, we had to have some fingers amputated. Jon Patrick Smith, Washington
More Jokes!
Email: armstj@training.wa.gov.au
