Here's something new to the Great Chicken Religion ... Headlines. I don't know how true they are, but they're a riot. I don't in any way create or edit these, but I do pirate them off of other people's webpages of hard work and dedication. It's the American way, thats how I got where I am now! I'd also like to thank all the little people whom I've stepped on to get to where I am now.
Freezing Eskimos Have 47 Words for "This Sucks"
Um-waka-waka, Canada - A group of Harvard linguists studying the Eskimos of northern Canada have discovered that in addition to 34 words for snow, the arctic culture has over 47 words meaning "this sucks."
Dr. Trisha Dean, who led the team said, "Language, like other social constructs, is enviromentally influenced. For instance, there are ten Russian words for 'starving' and twelve for 'mono-brow'. Naturally, the vocabulary of the Inuits reflects that living on frigid, barren glaciers and eating only fish heads for generation after generation is very sucky."
She maintains that the many words allow the Inuits to convey rich nuances of suckiness that go unnoticed by English-speakers. Said Dean, "If an American woke up smelling like rotten tuna, he would say 'this sucks', the same thing he would say if he smelled like rotten herring instead. However, an Eskimo would say massak about a tuna-stench, while the latter situation would require the harsher aput."
Dr. Dean supplied this list of common Eskimo words for suck and their English translations.
tingenek -- This sucks.
mauja -- Long ago, my son, it did not suck, but that's not really true at this time.
massalerauvok -- There is nothing so bad as what is happening to me right now.
akkilokipok -- It is as if the great-snow tiger of suckiness has raped my sister.
Mortal Kombat star, Outworld Demon says loincloth "no problem."
Washington, D.C.--Ending weeks of speculation, Goro, star of the Mortal Kombat line of video games, formally announced that he will seek the Reform Party's nomination for President. The four-armed alien, who says he wears a Yin-Yang on his battle belt to "show that I'm a brown, crazy-looking monster of profound faith," made the announcement from his subterranean lair in Outworld.
Goro moved quickly to address concerns over his lack of governmental experience, saying, "I've been the Boss on many, many video game levels. I don't think being President is different from being any other kind of level boss."
Goro also emphasized that his "celebrity villain" status will not hinder his Presidency, promising voters that if "Sub-Zero or Reptile start trouble back in the NetherRealm," he will not use government funds to go "rip off their heads and frolic in their blood." And as for reports that he might eat, rather than simply kiss, the babies of consituents, Goro chuckled, "That's just tasty speculation. Mmmm, though."
Goro's run is already causing headaches for rival candidates. Republicans have not yet found a block for the demon's devastating "Teleport Stomp", and some fear that traditional party power-ups like UP-DOWN-A-B-B-A will not work against the sophisticated 64-bit creature. Cash-strapped Democrats are worried that they might not have enough quarters on hand to defeat Goro in a long campaign. And with Al Gore's life-bar edging ever-closer to empty, some party insiders fear that a grim "fatality" is just around the corner. Said one aide, "The Vice President is staggering around with blood on him and stuff, plus, there's this voice saying 'finish him.' The Vice President is not Finnish. What gives?"
Internets Show Up Everywhere!
The World Wide Web and its cousin, The Internet, are growing at a precipitous rate. Just last week, over 20,000 internets appeared in homes across America. "The year 2,000 is crazy, yo," explained rapper Jay-Z. "You got your computers, you got your internets, you got all that." Indeed, it appears that the current craze for internets is not going to stop soon. "Internets are just a fad," claimed one social critic. "But I could see the world wide webs being around for a long time to come; you know, with the web pages and whatnot."
But it seems that more and more people are obsessed with what is going on 'on-line.' "I didn't get a chance to read the Web today. Did anything happen?" one woman was heard asking her daughter on their way into a cyber-cafe. Need to know something? There's a chance one of the millions of internets will have it. You can check them all from the World Wide Web. Looking to buy stuff? Try one of the world wide webs. They might be able to help you out. Lonely? Build your own on-line internet web homepage. Soon, more than a few nerdy nerds have predicted, we will all move on to either The Internet or The World Wide Web. But which one will it be? Which will emerge the victor of this titanic cyber battle, the internets or the world wide webs?" Only time and the internets will tell.
Poor-Spelling Children Pay Dearly for "Letters to Satan"
Little Rock--The nation's educational crisis has taken a poignant twist this Christmas, as thousands of poor-spelling children have unwittingly addressed their "Letters to Santa" to Satan and suffered tragic consequences.
Ten-year-old Sally Ryder mistakenly asked Satan for a pony and was trampled to death by the Budweiser Clydesdales at a football game. In Minnesota, six-year-old Timmy Brattle, hoping for a TonkaTM fire-truck, was killed in a four-alarm blaze that a whole company of bright, shiny pumpers could not extinguish. And hundreds of children asking Satan for Legos have found themselves buried alive inside colorful, pricey tombs made of the famous inter-locking bricks.
Postmaster General, Sarah Smith, has spent most of the past week scrambling to defend her employees: "Look, we just deliver the mail. The return bestowal of gifts, or alternatively, an eternity of hellfire and torment is left up to the recipient." She continued, "My advice is for everyone to work on their spelling. We've seen quite a few letters to 'Santa, Reaver of Souls' lately, and I'm sure Chris Cringle has no idea what to do with the talismans and chicken guts he's getting."
William Shakespeare Retires from Gay Porn
Stratford-on-Avon--William Shakespeare, the celebrated "Bard of Hard," informed the world that he would retire from writing the homosexual porn that has made him so revered. Shakespeare told reporters that his latest work, "A Midsummer Night's Ream," would be his last. "Since 'The Merchant of Penis,' I've really just been treading water," said Shakespeare. "I was very disappointed with 'Ramlet'--it was nothing but 'Twelfth Nut' warmed over. It's time I retired."
Many critics felt Shakespeare reached his peak shortly after winning the Nobel Prize for Cliterature--the porn industry's highest honor--for "Ass, You Lick It." Harold Bloom, the preeminent Bardcore scholar, summed it up in a statement issued shortly after Shakespeare's announcement: "The body--the glistening, hard body--of work that he has left is rich enough to provide us, and future generations, with endless jerk-off material."
Since he first burst onto the gay porn scene with "Julius Sleazer," Shakespeare has churned out hit after arousing hit. Many of his works, such as "Romeo at Joliet," a steamy men-behind-men-behind-bars opus, have been turned into successful films. Presently, in London alone, dozens of productions of the Bard's plays are currently running, including "King Leer," "Horny V," "The Reaming of the Shrew," "Tight-ass Androgynous," "Rich Hard III," and "Pleasure for Pleasure."