POLISH JOKES AUS POLSKA
A few nights ago a few friends and I were in a bar, telling all the polish jokes we knew; boy what a feast! Anyway, I ducked into the restroom to sprinkle the old porcelain. While I was in there, this big guy came in and said to me, "Hey pal, I'm Polish and I don't like you telling all those Polish jokes!" So I said, "Well, they're not against you, pal, just against anyone in Poland." "My mother is in Poland!" he screams, and pulls out a razor. Boy was I scared!! I was sure he would have killed me if he had found a place to plug it in!
One day, an immigrant from Poland entered a New York City Police Precinct to report that his American wife was planning to kill him. The police officer on duty was intrigued by this, and he asked, "How sure are ya that she is gonna kill ya? Did she threaten to kill ya?" "No," replied the nervous immigrant. "Did ya hear her tell someone else that she's gonna kill ya?" "No." "Did someone tell ya that your wife is gonna kill ya?" "No." "Then why in God's name did ya think she's gonna kill ya?" asked the exasperated police officer. "Because I found bottle on dresser and I think she gonna poison me!" He handed the police officer the suspect bottle. The police officer took one look at the label on the bottle and started to laugh out loud. The immigrant became indignant and said, "What's so funny? Can't you see the label on bottle says 'Polish Remover'?"
*The Polish firing squad stands in a circle
* An Italian is walking down the street when he sees a Polish person with a very long pole and a yardstick. He's standing the pole on its end and trying to reach the top of it with his yardstick. Seeing the Polak's ignorance, the Italian wrenches the pole out of his hand, lays it on the sidewalk, measures it with the yardstick, and says, "There! 11 feet long The Polak grabs the yardstick and shouts, "You idiot Italian! I don't care how long it is! I want to know how high it is!"
* A polish guy wins a brand new sports car in a mail contest. He drives around all the time waving at the rednecks. One day the rednecks stop him, they draw a circle in the dirt and say "If you step out of that circle, we will kick your ass." They pick up hammers and start busting up his new car. They look back and the is smiling. They hit the car some more, and he is laughing. They walk over to him and ask "Why are you laughing, we just busted up your car." He says "I know, but I stepped out of the circle 8 times."
* An American guy is driving with a Polish guy as his passenger, when he decides to pull over because he suspect that his turn signal may not be working. He asks the Polish guy if he doesn't mind stepping out of the car to check the lights while he tests them. The Polish guy steps out and stands in front of the car. The American guy turns on the turn signal and asks, "Is it "working?" To which the Polish guy responds, "Yes, it's working....No, it's not working....Yes, it's working....No, it's not working...."
* A Polak came home one day from work, hung up his coat, took off his hat and walked into his bedroom shouting "honey I am home!" What should he see but his friend in bed with his wife. Infuriated, he rushed to the cupboard, pulled out his gun and put it to his head. His wife started laughing. "Don't laugh!" he screams. "You're next!
*A wandering salesman has an audience with the Pope and, not quite knowing what to say tries to break the ice with a joke... "Have you heard the one about the two Polish priests, Holy Father?" "But I _am_ Polish, my son." There followed a pregnant pause while the salesman thought quickly ... "That's OK, Holy Father, I'll tell you it slowly."
* Polish Air Lines flight 132 was descending for a landing at an airport they had never been to before. The pilot looked out the windshield and suddenly exclaimed to the copilot, "Holy cow! Look how short the runway is! I`ve never seen one that short before!" The copilot looked out the windshield. "Wow! you`re right! That`s incredible! Are you sure we can even make it?" "Well we better, were running out of fuel." So the captain got on the intercom and notified the passengers to put their heads between their knees and prepare for an emergency landing. Then he set the flaps to full down and slowed the plane to just over stall speed. The big jumbo jet came screaming in, on the ragged edge of control. The pilot`s hands were sweating, the copilot was praying. They touched down and came screeching to a halt JUST before the edge of the runway, the tires smoking. "WHEW! That was CLOSE!" yelled the captain."That runway was SHORT!" "Yeah!" said the copilot,"and REALLY WIDE too!"
Q. How do you sink a polish battleship? A. Put it in water.
Q: Have you seen the polish mine detector. A1: Put you fingers in your ears and start stamping the ground with your foot. A2: Start backing up and waving the detector in front of you.
Q: How do you get a one-armed Polak out of a tree? A: Wave to him.
Q: Why wasn't Christ born in Poland? A: Because they couldn't find three wisemen and a virgin.
Q: How did the Germans conquer Poland so fast? A: They marched in backwards and the Polish thought they were leaving.
Q: Why do Polish police cars have stripes on the side? A: So the cops can find the handles.
Q: How do you tell which is the Groom at a Polish wedding? A: He's the one with the CLEAN bowling shirt.
Q: How do you stop a Polish army on horseback? A: Turn off the carousel.
Q: How many Polaks does it take to change a light bulb? A1: 3. One to stand on a chair and hold the bulb and the other two to spin the chair. A2: 100001. One to hold the bulb and the other 100000 to spin the house.
Q: What do you do if a Polak throws a pin at you? A: Run like hell - he's still got a hand-grenade between his teeth.
Q: What do you do if a Polak throws a hand-grenade at you? A: Take the pin out and throw it back.
Q: How do you know if a Polak has been using a computer? A: There's whiteout on the screen.
Q: How do you take census in a Polish village? A: Roll a quarter down the street, count the legs, divide by two, and subtract one for the Jew who catches it.
Q: Who wears a dirty white robe and rides a pig? A: Lawrence of Poland.
Q: Who wears a forest ranger's hat and carries a can of kerosene? A: Stanislaus the Fire Prevention Bear of the Polish National Forest Service.
Q: How did the Polish mother teach her son which way to put his underwear on? A: Yellow in the front, Brown in the back!
Q: How do you know you're flying over Poland? A: Toilet paper hanging on the clotheslines.
Q: Why do Polish names end in "ski" ? A: Because they can't spell tobbagan.
Q: Did you hear about the Polak who married an Amish woman? A: He drove her buggy.
Q: Did you hear about the new automatic Polish parachutes? A: They open on impact.
Q: Do you know why the new football stadium they built in Warsaw could not be used? A: No matter where you sat you were behind a Pole.
Q: Did you see the polish submarine with a screen door? A: Dont laugh, it keeps the fish out.
Q: Did you hear about the Polish Helicopter crash? A: The pilot got cold, so he turned off the fan.
Q: Did you know that Poland just bought 10,000 Septic Tanks? A: As soon as they learn how to drive 'em, they are going to invade Russia.
Q: Did you hear about the Polak who thought his wife was trying to kill him? A: On her dressing table he found a bottle of "Polish Remover".
Q: Why do Polish hate Cauchy's dog? (hint on Cauchy-Riemann theorem) A: Because it leaves residues at each Pole.
Q: What's the motto of the Polish Solidarity Union? A: Every man for himself.
Q: How do you get a Polak out of the bath tub? A: Throw in a bar of soap.
Q: What's delaying the Polish space program? A: Development of a working match.
Q: What are the two biggest Polish lies? A: The check's in your mouth, and I won't come in the mail.
Q: Did you hear about the Polish man that locked his keys in his car? A: He had to use a coat hanger to get his family out.
Q: Why do Polish dogs have flat noses? A: From chasing parked cars.
Q: What do you get when you cross a 1-legged Polak with a Mongoloid? A: A Polaroid One-Step.
Q: Did you hear about the Polak who studied for 5 days? A: He was scheduled to take a urine test.
Q: How do you confuse a Polak? A: Put him in a round room and tell him to piss in the corner.
Q: How do you keep a Polak in suspense?
Q: Why are there no ice cubes in Poland? A: They forgot the recipe.
Q: What happens when a Polak doesn't pay his garbage bill? A: They stop delivering.
Q: How do Polaks form a car pool? A: They meet at work.
Q: How do you ruin a Polish party? A: Flush the punch bowl.
Q: What is long and hard that a Polish bride gets on her wedding night? A: A new last name.
Q: What happened to the Polish National Library? A: Someone stole the book.
Q: Did you hear about the man who was Polishing the flagpole? A: He varnished into thin air!
Q: Why did the Polish couple decide to have only 4 children? A: They'd read in the newspaper that one out of every five babies born in the world today is Chinese.
Q: What did the Polish mother say when her daughter announced that she was pregnant? A: "Are you sure it's yours?"
Q: What's the greatest problem facing Poland? A: The four-ten split. (hint: four-ten is when these bowling pins remain standing)
Q: Why did the Polak sell his water skis? A: He couldn't find a lake with a hill in it.
Q: You go to a cockfight. How do you know if a Polak is there? A: He's the one with a duck.
Q: How do you know if an Italian is there? A: He bet on the duck.
Q: How do you know if the Mafia is there? A: The duck wins.
Q: How many polaks does it take to kidnap a child? A: 12. One to kidnap the child and the remaining 11 to write a ransom letter.
Q: A Polish soldier was confronted by a charging German soldier and a charging Russian soldier. Which did he shoot first, and why? A: He shot the German first--business before pleasure.
New Polish navy has glass bottom boats, to see to the old Polish navy.
Polish kamikaze flew 48 successful missions.
Polish loan shark lends out all his money, skips town.
