70,000 BC- First Recorded incident of human violence. Og, a Neanderthal, bashes Ug, another neanderthal over the head with a large bone in a heated dispute over a mud puddle. A committee is formed, the Group of Outrage Neanderthals, (GOON) who immediately blame the act on a popular game at the time called Beat The Stupid Neanderthal. Gaming takes its first serious public relations hit.
500 BC- Roman entertainer Jonas Romerius publishes a scroll detailing his plan to create a public spectator sport known as Daikatana. He's later found wandering the streets shouting "thou shalt be mine bitch!" to bewildered townspeople, who promptly stone him to death.
215 BC-China builds the Great Wall, in an attempt to be the first civilization to build a Wonder and "Win a game". Leaders are publicly flogged after it is pointed out that Age of Empires wont be released for another 2000 years.
410 A.D.- Visigoths sack Rome. Disgraced Roman leader Terrius Colemanius, in an attempt to explain why he sat idly by while the city was destroyed, claims that he was under the mistaken impression that the war was "turn based". Bewildered roman crowds promptly stone him to death.
1337-- The Hundred Years WAR begins, following an ugly deathmatch in which the king of England calls the king of France a "camping wussy"
1455-- First Daikatana levels completed, then scrapped following the invention of the printing press, which renders them obsolete.
1483-- Spanish Inquisition begins, WizardWorks budget priced Herectic Hunter tops the best seller charts for the next 100 years.
1492-- Columbus discovers america. In a now famous letter to the Queen of Spain he bitterly complains "I would have discovered it a lot sooner, your magesty, if it wasnt for that freakin' fog of war."
1684-- Isaac Newton invents Mouse Look, "while my earlier success with this whole apple falling on my head gravity business no doubt assures my place in the history books, he wrote in his journal, "I must say i am even more proud of the mouse look, which is finally going to allow me to kick some serious multiplayer ass."
1792-- womens rights movement begins with the publication of Mary Wollenstonecraft's A Vindiction Of The Rights Of Women. "Take heart girls, she wrote. "In a mere 2000 years we will be the protagonists, the heroes, of the games men play. Our breasts will be huge in these games, and our butts...they will be fabulous. Desperate magazines will feature us half-naked on their covers, in a shameless attempt to boost sales. Even better, girls, we will STILL make them beg for sex.
1812-- the War of 1812. First appearance of hexes on a battlefield.
1859-- Charles Darwin publishes the Origin of Species, which expounds his theorys on natural selection and the survival of the fittest. Theory discredited 140 years later after an international gathering of scientists in geneva is unable to explained the continued success of Billy Crystal.
1860-- Daikatana team says beta is imminent, but outbreak of Civil War puts the game on temporary hold.
1903--Wright Brothers fly first controlled aircraft at Kitty Hawk, North Carolina. The following day posts begin on the flight sim newsgroups ridiculing the plane's unrealistic flight model.
1920--First professional football league founded. Sierra, in a desperate public relations move, releases the first football game, neglecting to include stadiums, players, or a football.
1931--William Shatner born. Decline of Western civilization begins.
1956--Elvis Presely sweeps the nation with his swiveling, gyrating hips. Young male scientists, suddenly feeling awkward and confused inside, step up their efforts to invent the personal computer.
1973--Embattled US President Nixon delivers famous "I am not a crook" speech. On the same day, Daikatana team assures public that the game is right on time, and should ship "within a month".
1981--First Issue of Computer Gaming World published. Beginning with second issue, complaints appear on newsgroups lamenting CGW's decline.
1984-- Apple Macintosh released, unleashing an exciting new era in gaming, in which year-old titles are made available to dozens of gamers everywhere.
1994--Myst released. Everyone and their grandma buys it. Half the people who buy it don't even have computers. No one knows how to play it. "Whats this thing", asks my grandma, "a little frisbee?"
1999--Daikatana demo released. The worlds gone mad. Nothing makes sense anymore. Maybe its this Y2K thing. Time to head for the bunker.
