I'm gettin' tired of sayin' it and you're tired of hearin' it, but 555-DIVE!
NOSE DIVE - Welcome to the love line. I can't believe Grin, turning my own girl against me. That's it! NOTHIN'S GETTING ME OUTTA THIS CHAIR!
WING WING - Come on, Dive, time for hockey practice.
NOSE DIVE - Okay. Bye everybody!
GRIN - Is it just my imagination or was that unbelievably easy?
TANYA - Don't be so paranoid, Grin. I don't think Nose Dive's capable of scheming against us.
GRIN - Good point, Sweetie. Well, on to the callers.
CALLER #1 - Hey you two. My name's Jill, and I was wondering...y'see, whenever I get to second with a guy they always have a lot of trouble with the clasp on my bra and they ALWAYS complain about it!
TANYA - Tell me about it.
GRIN - Hey, I resemble that remark.
TANYA - Yeah, and I resent it!
GRIN - Resent what? Me or the remark?
TANYA - Nevermind...and your question was??
CALLER #1 - Why do guys hate bras so much?
TANYA - I think this is your department, Grin.
GRIN - That's easy. They're so damn hard to get undone! Those stupid things are boy proof! By the time we actually DO manage to get them off, we're completely turned off! Bras are an invention of Satan...or they would be if I believed in Satan...
TANYA - You tell 'em, Grin.
GRIN - It would be a lot easier on us boys if girls didn't wear bras at all. Hey, we don't mind. I HOPE ALL YOU GIRLS OUT THERE ARE TAKING NOTES!
TANYA - and I hope you're burning them.
GRIN - Tanya, why do you have to contradict everything I say?
TANYA - We're dating. It's my job.
GRIN - Don't you love relationships? Do we have another caller?
CALLER #2 - Right here. Yo, I got this problem...me and my girl have been together for a year now, and things are getting kinda boring, if you know what I mean...
GRIN - Yeah I know what you mean, but why don't you spit it out just in case we've got any real slow idiots out there in the audience.
TANYA - This is why I like you, Grin, you're so good with people.
GRIN - Thanks, Honey.
CALLER #2 - Well, to put it in lamens terms...our sex life has fallen into a routine. There's no excitement anymore.
GRIN - I see... have you tried sexual aids?
CALLER #2 - sexual aids? What do you mean?
TANYA - Well, you take a can of peanut butter and...
GRIN - Uh, not now Tanya... there are probably minors in the audience.
TANYA - Right, sorry. Forgot where I was for a minute.
CALLER #2 - Well? What can I do?
GRIN - Rent some videos, get in the mood, be exciting, dangerous.
TANYA - Like that time at the golf course when we...
GRIN - TANYA!
TANYA - Oopsie, forgot where I was again.
CALLER #2 - Wow, thanks guys, I'll try it right away.
GRIN - Remind me to cancel that golf game I had planned for tomorrow.
TANYA - Check. Hey, I gotta get going, Grin. I still have to make Mara's birthday present.
GRIN - Wow, I almost forgot...it IS her birthday tomorrow, isn't it?
TANYA - Yup.
GRIN - Well, she certainly didn't mention it. Hey, could you get her up here for me? As a special B-day present I want her to host the rest of the show with me.
TANYA - Coming right up. Later Grinny.
GRIN - Buh bye Taunny. Next Caller?
CALLER #3 - Hey, my name's Nora Sullivan and I've got a question for you.
GRIN - Shoot.
CALLER #3 - Well, before I had sex with my boyfriend he used to beg for it all the time, but now that we've done it, he doesn't bother me about it anymore. I wanna know why boys stop pestering you about sex after they've had it with you.
GRIN - They don't. Either you're a REALLY lousy partner, or your boyfriend's gay.
CALLER #3 - Wow, I guess I should've realized it when I saw him eying the principal like that...thanks, Grin.
GRIN - Don't mention it. Well, look what we have here! Hello, Mara!
MARA - You summoned me?
GRIN - Yes I did. Ladies and Gentleman, may I present my VERY special guest, the birthday girl herself, MARA!
MARA - Grin, didn't I already host with you?
GRIN - Well, yes, but it's your birthday! This is special. A gift between friends.
MARA - That's sweet of you, Grin...
GRIN - Yeah, I know.
MARA - ...a little too sweet. What are you up to?
GRIN - Well, to be completely honest, I've recieved a few calls from people wanting to ask you certain questions...
MARA - What kind of questions?
GRIN - well, they concern your sister's bra size, her millions of boyfriends, what she's done with her boyfriends, and your marital status.
MARA Here, I'll save you the trouble. I dunno, I dunno, I dunno, and why do you care?
GRIN - I love the way you always get right to the point. I see we have a caller.
CALLER #4 - Yah, hi you two. I just wanted to say Happy B - Day to Mara and ask her a question.
MARA - What've I got to lose? Go ahead.
CALLER #4 - Well, you're a girl and I was wondering, what is it with women and this strange obsession with getting married? My girlfriend's been buggin' me about it for months!
MARA - Allow me to explain. You see, all the females on this planet are part of an international conspiracy. We bitch at you until you marry us, and then as soon as you do we use you for sex for a few weeks and then divorce you and keep all of your money so we will eventually become rulers of this puny planet. QUESTION ANSWERED! NEXT CALLER!
GRIN - So much for Dragaunus' mad dreams of world conquest. Looks like you got there first. Funny, you don't seem to be advancing your plans of world conquest on your signifigant other yet.
MARA - Oh yeah?
DUKE - There you are, Mara, I was looking all over for you. Happy birthday, Sweetheart.
MARA - Thanks. Say Duke, when are you gonna break down and marry me?
GRIN - Uh oh. I hope Tanya's not in on this... and here's Dive so that's all from us and GOOD NIGHT!
NOSE DIVE - You're mine, you son of a...DAMN YOU, GRIN! I'LL GET YOU YET! Well, kiddies, time to go again. Once more, all together now, love bites.
