Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a
"real hoot."
Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors
upstairs for "violating your airspace."
Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with
a
can of Lysol.
Practice making fax and modem noises.
Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your
ears.
Give a play-by-play account of a person's every action in a nasal
Howard
Cosell voice.
Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and
insist
to others that you "like it that way."
Staple papers in the middle of the page.
Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their
complimentary
mints by the cash register.
ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
only type in lowercase.
dont use any punctuation either
Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?"
"What?" "Never mind, it's gone now."
At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of
your
chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."
Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting
entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeeep Bip..."
If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking
to others.
Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then
pointing it at the screen.
Speak only in a "robot" voice.
Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that
this is so no one will "swipe your grub."
Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 99
copies.
Sniffle incessantly.
Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
Name your dog "Dog."
Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather
conditions "to keep them tuned up."
Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."
Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to
your boss.
Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."
Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with prophesy."
Wear a special hip holster for your remote control.
Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
Drum on every available surface.
Ask 1-800 operators for dates.
Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.
Sew anti-theft detector strips into people's backpacks.
Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
Set alarms for random times.
Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.
Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
Honk and wave to strangers.
Dress only in clothes colored Hunter's Orange.
Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.
Wear your pants backwards.
Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"
Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts
back in the tray.
Eat an entire bag of Oreo cookies immediately before going to the
dentist for a cleaning.
Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
Wear a LOT of cologne.
Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is
necessary because of your "superior mental processing."
At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"
Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."
Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
Never make eye contact.
Never break eye contact.
Make appointments for the 31st of September.
Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
Pay for your dinner with pennies.
Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.
Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J. Simpson conspiracy theories.
Light road flares on a birthday cake.
Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."
When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.
Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."
Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
Drive half a block.
Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
Ask people what gender they are.
Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.
Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes."
Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers' brains, such as "Feliz Navidad," the Archies' "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.
Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
Change your name to "John Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."
Sing along at the opera.
Mow your lawn with scissors.
Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something about "psychological profiles."
Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."
Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.
Invite lots of people to other people's parties.
50 WAYS TO BE ANNOYING AT WALMART
Take shopping carts for the express purpose of filling them and
stranding
them at strategic locations.
Ride those little electronic cars at the front of the store.
Set all the alarm clocks to go off at ten minute intervals throughout
the
day.
Start playing Calvinball; see how many people you can get to join in.
Contaminate the entire auto department by sampling all the spray air
fresheners.
Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.
Leave cryptic messages on the typewriters.
Re-dress the mannequins as you see fit.
When there are people behind you, walk REALLY SLOW, especially down
narrow aisles.
Walk up to an employee and tell him in an official tone, "I think
we've
got a Code 3 in Housewares," and see what happens.
Tune all the radios to a polka station; then turn them all off and
turn
the volumes to "10".
Play with the automatic doors.
Walk up to complete strangers and say, "Hi! I haven't seen you in so
long!..." See if they play along to avoid embarrassment.
While walking through the clothing department, ask yourself loud
enough
for all to hear, "Who BUYS this crap, anyway?"
Repeat Number 14 in the jewelry department.
Ride a display bicycle through the store; claim you're taking it for
a
"test drive."
Follow people through the aisles, always staying about five feet
away.
Continue to do this until they leave the department.
Play soccer with a group of friends, using the entire store as your
playing field.
As the cashier runs your purchases over the scanner, look mesmerized
and
say, "Wow. Magic!"
Put M&M's on layaway.
Move "Caution: Wet Floor" signs to carpeted areas.
Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only
invite
them in if they bring pillows from Bed and Bath.
Test the fishing rods and see what you can "catch" from the other
aisles.
Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.
Drape a blanket around your shoulders and run around saying, "...I'm
Batman. Come, Robin--to the Batcave!"
TP as much of the store as possible.
Randomly throw things over into neighboring aisles.
Play with the calculators so that they all spell "hello" upside down.
When someone asks if you need help, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't
you
people just leave me alone?"
When two or three people are walking ahead of you, run between them,
yelling, "Red Rover!"
Make up nonsense products and ask newly hired employees if there are
any
in stock, i.e., "Do you have any Shnerples here?"
Take up an entire aisle in Toys by setting up a full scale
battlefield
with G.I. Joes vs. the X-Men.
Take bets on the battle described above.
Nonchalantly "test" the brushes and combs in Cosmetics.
While handling guns in the hunting department, suddenly ask the clerk
if
he knows where the anti-depressants are.
Hold indoor shopping cart races.
Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission:
Impossible."
Attempt to fit into very large gym bags.
Attempt to fit others into very large gym bags.
Say things like, "Would you be so kind as to direct me to your
Twinkies?"
Set up a "Valet Parking" sign in front of the store.
Two words: "Marco Polo."
Leave Cheerios in Lawn and Garden, pillows in the pet food aisle,
etc.
"Re-alphabetize" the CD's in Electronics.
In the auto department, practice your "Madonna" look with various
funnels.
When someone steps away from their cart, quickly make off with it.
Relax in the patio furniture until you get kicked out.
When an announcement comes over the loudspeaker, assume the fetal
position and scream, "No, no! It's those voices again!"
Pay off layaways fifty cents at a time.
Drag a lounge chair on display over to the magazines and relax. If
the
store has a food court, buy a soft drink; explain that you don't get out
much, and ask if they can put a little umbrella in it.
HOW TO ANNOY TELEMARKETERS
(Believe me, its long over-due!)
If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for
bankruptcy and you could sure use some money. Ask, "How long can I
keep it? Do I have to ever pay it back, or is it like the other
money I borrowed before my bankruptcy?"
If you get one of those pushy people who won't shut up, just
listen to their sales pitch. When they try to close the sale, tell
them that you'll need to go get your credit card. Then, just set
the phone down and go do laundry, shopping or whatever. See how long
that commission based scum waits for you to get your credit card.
If they start out with, "How are you today?" say, "Why do you
want to know?" Or you can say, "I'm so glad you asked, because no one
seems to care these days and I have all these problems, my sciatica
is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died...." When they
try to get back to the sales process, just continue on with telling
about your problems.
If the person says he's Joe Doe from the ABC Company, ask him to
spell his name, then ask him to spell the company name, then ask
where it is located. Continue asking personal questions or questions
about the company for as long as necessary.
This one works better if you are male: Telemarketer: "Hi, my name
is Julie and I'm with Dodger & Peck Services.... You: "Hang on a
second." (few seconds pause) "Okay, (in a really husky voice) what
are you wearing?"
Crying out, in well-simulated tones of pleasure and surprise,
"Julie!! Is this really you? I can't believe it! Julie, how have you
BEEN?" Hopefully, this will give Julie a few brief moments of
terror as she tries to figure out where the heck she could know you
from.
Say, "No," over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no,
and keep an even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the
most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.
If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up with their Family and
Friends plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can muster, "I
don't have any friends...would you be my friend?"
If they clean rugs: "Can you get blood out, you can? Well, how
about goat blood or HUMAN blood - chicken blood too?"
Let the person go through their spiel, providing minimal but
necessary feedback in the form of an occasional "Uh-huh, really, or,
"That's fascinating." Finally, when they ask you to buy, ask them to
marry you. They get all flustered, but just tell them you couldn't
give your credit card number to someone who's a complete stranger.
Tell them you work for the same company they work for.
Example:
Telemarketer: "This is Bill from Widget & Associates."
You: "Widget & Associates!! Hey I work for them too. Where are you
calling from?"
Telemarketer: "Uh, Dallas, Texas."
You: "Great, they have a group there too? How's business/the
weather? Too bad the company has a policy against selling to
employees! Oh well, see ya."
Tell the Telemarketer you are busy and if they will give you
their phone number you will call them back. If they say they are not
allowed to give out their number, then ask them for their home number
and tell them you will call them at home (this is usually the most
effective method of getting rid of Telemarketers). If the person
says, "Well, I don't really want to get a call at home," say, "Ya!
Now you know how I feel." (smiling, of course...)
100 WAYS TO BE ANNOYING WHEN ORDERING A PIZZA
If using a touch-tone phone, press random numbers while ordering.
Ask
the person taking the order to stop doing that.
Make up a charge-card name. Ask if they accept it.
Use CB lingo where applicable.
Order a Big Mac Extra Value Meal.
Terminate the call with, "Remember, we never had this conversation."
Tell the order taker a rival pizza place is on the other line and
you're
going with the lowest bidder.
Give them your address, exclaim "Oh, just surprise me!" and hang up.
Answer their questions with questions.
In your breathiest voice, tell them to cut the crap about nutrition
and
ask if they have something outlandishly sinful.
Use these bonus words in the conversation: ROBUST FREE-SPIRITED COST-EFFICIENT UKRAINIAN PUCE.
Tell them to put the crust on top this time.
Sing the order to the tune of your favorite CD.
Do not say the names of the toppings you want. Rather, spell them
out.
Put an extra edge in your voice when you say "crazy bread."
Stutter on the letter P.
Ask for a deal available somewhere else. (e.g. If phoning Domino's
ask
for a Cheeser! Cheeser!)
Ask what the order taker is wearing.
Crack your knuckles into the phone.
Say hello, act stunned for five seconds, and behave as if they
called
you.
Rattle off your order with a determined air. If they ask you if you
would like drinks, panic and become disoriented.
Tell the order taker you're depressed. Get him/her to cheer you up.
Make a list of exotic cuisines. Order them as toppings.
Change your accent every three seconds.
Order 52 pepperoni slices prepared in a fractal pattern as follows
from
an equation you are about to dictate. Ask if they need paper.
Act like you know the order-taker from somewhere else. Say
"Bed-Wetters Camp, right?"
Start your order with "I'd like..." A little later, slap yourself
and
say "No, I wouldn't."
If they repeat the order to make sure it's right, say "OK. That'll
be
$10.99; please pull up to the first window.
Rent a pizza.
Order while using an electric knife sharpener.
Ask if you get to keep the pizza box. When they say yes, heave a
sigh
of relief.
Put an accent on the last syllable of pepperoni. Use the long "i"
sound.
Have your pizza "shaken, not stirred."
Say "Are you sure this is (Pizza Place)? When they say yes, say
"Well,
So is this!" You've got some explaining to do!" When they finally offer
proof that it is, in fact (Pizza Place), start to cry and ask, "Do you
know
what it's like to be lied to?"
Move the mouthpiece farther and farther away from your lips as you
speak. When the call ends, jerk the mouthpiece back into place and
scream
goodbye at the top of your lungs.
Tell them to double-check to make sure your pizza is, in fact, dead.
Imitate the order taker's voice.
Eliminate verbs from your speech.
When they say "What would you like?" say "Huh? Oh you mean now."
Play a sitar in the background.
Say it's your anniversary and you'd appreciate it if the deliver hid
behind some furniture waiting for your spouse to arrive so you can
surprise
him/her.
Amuse the order taker with little-known facts about country music.
Ask to see a menu.
Quote Carl Sanberg.
Say you'll be able to pay for this when the movie people call back.
Ask if they have any idea what is at stake with this pizza.
Ask what topping goes best with well-aged Chardonnay.
Belch directly into the mouthpiece; then tell your dog it should be
ashamed.
Order a slice, not the whole pizza.
Shout "I'm through with men/women! Send me a dozen of your best
Gaston!"
Doze off in the middle of the order, catch yourself and say "Where
am
I? Who are you?"
Psychoanalyze the order taker.
Ask what their phone number is. Hang up, call them, and ask again.
Order two toppings, then say "No, they'll start fighting."
. Learn to properly pronounce the ingredients of a Twinkie. Ask that
these be included in the pizza.
Call to complain about the service. Later, call back to say you
were
drunk and didn't mean it.
Tell the order taker to tell the manager to tell his supervisor he's
fired.
Report a petty theft to the order taker.
Use explicitives like "Great Caeser's Ghost" and "Jesus Joseph and
Mary
in Tinsel Town."
Ask for the guy who took your order last time.
If he/she suggests anything, adamantly declare, "I shall not be
swayed
by your sweet words."
Wonder aloud if you should trim those nose hairs.
Try to talk while drinking something.
Start the conversation with "My Call to (Pizza Place), Take 1,
and...
action!"
Ask if the pizza is organically grown.
Ask about pizza maintenance and repair.
Be vague in your order.
When they repeat your order, say "Again with a little more OOMPH
this
time."
If ordering on a touch-tone phone press 9-1-1 every five seconds
throughout the order.
After ordering, say "I wonder what THIS button on the phone does."
Simulate a cutoff.
Start the conversation by reciting today's date and saying, "This
may
be my last entry."
State your order and say that's as far as the relationship's going
to
get.
Ask if they're familiar with the term "spanking a pizza." Make up a
description to go with the term. Ask that this be done to your pizza.
Say "Kssssssssssssht" rather loudly into the phone. Ask if they
felt
that.
Detect the order taker's psychic aura. Use it to your advantage.
When listing toppings you want on your pizza, include another pizza.
Learn to play a blues riff on the harmonica. Stop talking at
regular
intervals to play it.
Ask if they would like to sample your pizza. Suggest an even trade.
Perfect a celebrity's voice. Stress you won't take any crap from
some
two-bit can't-hack-it pimple-faced gofer.
Put them on hold.
Teach to order taker a secret code. Use the code on all subsequent
orders.
Mumble, "There's a bomb under your seat." When asked to repeat
that,
say "I said 'sauce smothered in meat."
Make the first topping you order mushrooms. Make the last thing you say "No mushrooms, please." Hang up before they have a chance to
respond.
When the order is repeated, change it slightly. When it is repeated again, change it again. On the third time, say "You just don't get it do
you?"
When you're given the price, say "Ooooooooo, that sounds
complicated. I
hate math."
Haggle.
Order a one-inch pizza.
Order term life insurance.
When they say "Will that be all?", snicker and say "We'll find out,
won't we?"
Order with a Speak-N-Spell where applicable.
Ask how many dolphins were killed to make that pizza.
While on the phone, fake entering puberty. Flucuate pitch often;
act
embarrassed.
Engage in some serious swapping.
Dance all around the word "pizza". Avoid saying it at all costs.
If
he/she says it, say "Please don't mention that word."
Have a movie with a good car chase scene playing loudly in the
background. Yell "OW" when a bullet is fired.
If he/she suggests a side order, ask why he/she is punishing you.
Ask if the pizza has had it's shots.
Order a steamed pizza.
Get the taker's name. Later, call exactly on the hour to say, "This
is
your (time of day) wake-up-call, So-and-so." Hang up.
Offer to pay for the pizza with a public flogging.
If any of the above practices are rejected by the order taker,
Say, in your best pouty voice, "The last guy let me do it."
HOW TO ANOY A COMPUTER USER
Replace the little magnetic circles in a floppy disk with sandpaper.
Take picture tube out of monitor, fill with water, add tropical fish.
Superglue CDROM cases shut.
Change the user's dial-in script so his internet provider is now located in the South Seas. Watch the fun when user opens phone bill.
Two words: Powerfull Magnets
Set start-up WAV file to play the sound of fingernails on a
blackboard.
Set screen blanker to display pictures of Regis and Cathy Lee.
Program modem to randomly call Psychic Hotlines at 4.95 a minute.
Plug mouse into 115 volt wall socket.
Install Windows 95.
49 WAYS TO BE ANNOYING IN AN ELEVATOR
Make race car noises when people get on and off.
Blow your nose and offer to show the contents of your kleenex to other passengers.
Grimace painfully while slapping your forehead and muttering, "Shut up dammit, all of you just SHUT UP!"
Whistle the first 7 notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.
Sell Girl Scout Cookies.
On a long ride, sway side to side at the natural frequency of the elevator.
Shave.
Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask, "Got enough air in there?"
Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear your upside-down.
Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.
When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to pull the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
Lean over to another passenger and whisper, "Ever had a Wet Willy?"
Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you "Admiral."
On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.
Do Tai Chi exercises.
Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on."
When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back, "Oh, not now, damn motion sickness!"
Give religious tracts to each passenger.
Meow occasionally.
Bet the other passengers you can fit a quarter in your nose.
Frown and mutter, "Gotta go, gotta go," then sigh and say, "oops!"
Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
.Sing "Mary Had a Little Lamb" while continuously pushing buttons.
Holler, "Chutes away!!" whenever the elevator descends.
Walk on with a cooler that says "Human Head" on the side.
Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce, "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.
Leave a box between the doors.
Ask each passenger getting on if you can push the button for them.
Wear a hand puppet and talk to the other passengers "through" it.
Start a sing-along.
When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, "Is that your beeper?"
Play the accordion.
Shadow box.
Say, "Ding!" at each floor.
Lean against the button panel.
Say, "I wonder what all these do?" and then push ALL the red buttons.
Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.
Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."
Bring a chair along.
Take a bite of a sandwich and ask another passenger, "Wanna see wha in muh mouf??"
Blow spit bubbles.
Pull your gum out of your mouth in long strings.
Announce in a demonic voice, "I must find a more suitable host body."
Carry a blanket a clutch it protectively.
Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
Tap one of your fellow passengers on the shoulder and shout "You're it!" Then dart back into a corner shrieking "No tag-backs! No tag-backs!"
Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.
Stare at your thumb and say, "I think it's getting bigger."
If anyone brushes against you, recoil fiercely and scream, "BAD TOUCH!"
HOW TO ANNOY A POLICE OFFICER
When you get pulled over, say "What's wrong, ossifer, there's no blood in my alcohol?"
When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you wanted to race.
When he talks to you, pretend you are deaf.
If he asks if you knew how fast you were going, say no, my speedometer only goes to......
Ask if you can see his gun.
When he says you aren't allowed, tell him I just wanted to see if mine was bigger.
Touch him.
When he asks why you were speeding, tell him you had to buy a hat.
Ask him where he bought his cool hat.
Refer to him by his first name.
Pretend you are gay and ask him out.
When he says no, cry.
If he says yes, accuse him of sexual harassment.
If the cop is a woman, tell her how ugly she is, but in a nice way.
If he asks you to step out of the car, automatically throw yourself on the hood.
When he asks you to spread them, tell him you don't go that way.
When he puts the handcuffs on, say "Usually my dates buy me dinner first"
Ask to be fingerprinted with candy, cause you don't like ink on your fingers.
After you sign the ticket and give it to him, say "Oops! That's the wrong name."
Bribe him with donuts, and when he agrees, tell him sorry, I just ate the last one.
When he comes up to the car, say "License and registration, please" right when he says it.
When he goes to read you your rights, sing "La La La, I can't hear you!"
Trip and fall into him.
Accuse him of police brutality when he pushes you away.
Before you sign the ticket, pick your nose. You have to sign with his pen.
Chew on the pen, nervously.
Clean your ear with the pen.
If it's a click pen, take it apart and play with the spring.
Ask if he has a daughter. If he says yes, say I thought the name sounded familiar.....
Ask him if he ever worked in a prison. If he says yes, ask him how the plumbing was.
Act like you are retarded.
When he's telling you what you did wrong, start repeating him, quietly.
Mumble to yourself.
When he tells you to stop, say what are you talkin about, DUDE?
Drive to Dunkin Donuts and say hmmm....only 5 of you here
tonight.......
Ask if they know how to make the donuts.
When he comes to the car, say I have a badge just like yours!
Ask if he watches Cops.
Ask if ever watched Cop Rock.
Giggle if he did.
Talk to your hand.
Ask if he knows somone named Rosy Palm and her Five Favorite Friends.
Accuse him of Sexual Harassment if he does.
When he frisks you, say You missed a spot, and grin.
When he asks to inspect your car, say "There is no alcohol in my car, sir, the last cop got it."
Try to sell him your car.
Ask if you can buy his car.
If he takes you to the station, ask to sit in front.
Play with the siren.
If you know him, say you had his wife for dinner.
If you don't know him, ask if you can have his wife for dinner.
Oops...I meant OVER for dinner
Ask if he ever had pu-tang.
If he asks what it is, point at him and giggle.
If there is someone else in the car, talk to each other in tongues.
When he acts confused, keep talking, look at him and laugh.
When you are in the back, touch his neck through the fencing.
Turn your head and whistle.
When he pulls out his night stick, say what you gonna do with that.
If you are female, say I don't do that on the first date.
If he sticks you in the back of the car, cower in the corner, suck your thumb, and whine.
Stare at his lights and say "Look at the pretty colors!"
Tell him you like men in uniform.
Ask if you can borrow his uniform for a Halloween party.
ABOUT A BILLION WAYS TO ANNOY/FREAK OUT YOUR ROOMMATE
Switch the sheets on your beds while s/he is at class.
Twitch a lot.
Pretend to talk while pretending to be asleep.
Steal a fishtank. Fill it with beer and dump sardines in it.
Become a subgenius.
Inject his/her twinkies with a mixture of Dexatrim and MSG.
Learn to levitate. While your roommate is looking away, float up out of your seat. When s/he turns to look, fall back down and grin.
Speak in tongues.
Move you roommate's personal effects around. Start subtlely. Gradually work up to big things, and eventually glue everything s/he owns to the ceiling.
Walk and talk backwards.
Spend all your money on Jolt Cola. Drink it all. Stack the cans in the middle of your room. Number them.
Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them at night. If your roommate says anything, tell him/her with a straight face, "They're more than meets the eye."
Recite entire movie scripts (e.g. "The Road Warrior," "Repo
Man," "Casablanca,") almost inaudibly.
Kill roaches with a monkey wrench while playing Wagnerian arian on kazoo. If your roommate complains, explain that it is for your performance art class (or hit him/her with the wrench).
Chain yourself to your roommate's bed. Get him/her to bring you food.
Get a computer. Leave it on when you are not using it. Turn it off when you are.
Ask your roommate if your family can move in "just for a couple of weeks."
Buy as many back issues of Field and Stream as you can. Pretend to masturbate while reading them.
Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the paramedics to come, pretend nothing happened.
Eat glass.
Smoke ballpoint pens.
Smile. All the time.
Burn all your waste paper while eying your roommate suspiciously.
Hide a bunch of potato chips and Ho Hos in the bottom of a trash can. When you get hungry, root around in the trash. Find the food and eat it. If your roommate empties the trash before you get hungry, demand that s/he reimburse you.
Leave a declaration of war on your roommate's desk. Include a list of grievances.
Shoot rubber bands at your roommate while his/her back is turned, and then look away quickly.
Dye all your underwear lime green.
Spill a lot of beer on his/her bed. Swim.
Buy three loaves of stale bread. Grow mold in the closet.
Hide your underwear and socks in your roommate's closet. Accuse him/her of stealing it.
Remove your door. Ship it to your roommate's parents (postage due).
Pray to Azazoth or Zoroaster. Sacrifice something nasty.
Whenever your roommate walks in, wait one minute and then stand up. Announce that you are going to take a shower. Do so. Keep this up for three weeks.
Arrange thirteen toothbrushes of different colors on your dresser. Refuse to discuss them.
Paint your half of the room black. Or paisley.
Whenever he/she is about to fall asleep, ask questions that start with "Didja ever wonder why...." Be creative.
Shave one eyebrow.
Put your mattress underneath your bed. Sleep down under there and pile your dirty clothes on the empty bedframe. If your roommate comments, mutter "Gotta save space," twenty times while twitching violently.
Put horseradish in your shoes.
Shelve all your books with the spines facing the wall. Complain loudly that you can never find the book that you want.
Always flush the toilet three times.
Subsist entirely on pickles for a week. Vomit often.
Buy a copy of Frankie Yankovic's "Pennsylvania Polka," and play it at least 6 hours a day. If your roommate complains, explain that it's an assignment for your primitive cultures class.
Give him/her an allowance.
Listen to radio static.
Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night. Close them as soon as you wake up.
Cry a lot.
Send secret admirer notes on your roommate's blitzmail.
Clip your fingernails and toenails and keep them in a baggie. Leave the baggie near your computer and snack from it while studying. If he/she walks by, grab the bag close and eye him/her suspiciously.
Paste used kleenexes to his/her walls.
Whenever your roomate comes in from the shower, lower your eyes and giggle to yourself.
If you get in before your roomate, go to sleep in his/her bed.
Put pornos under his/her bed. Whenever someone comes to visit your roommate when they're not home, show them the magazines.
Whenever you go to sleep, start jumping on your bed . . . do so for a while, then jump really high and act like you hit your head on the ceiling. Crumple onto your bed and fake like you were knocked out . . . use this method to fall asleep every night for a month.
If your roommate goes away for a weekend, change the locks.
Whenever his/her parents call and ask for your roommate, breathe into the phone for 5 seconds then hang up.
Whenever he/she goes to shower, drop whatever you're doing, grab a towel, and go shower too.
Find out your roommate's post office box code. Open it and take his/her mail. Do this for one month. After that, send the mail to him/her by UPS.
Collect all of your pencil shavings and sprinkle them on the floor.
Create an imaginary cat for a pet. Talk to it every night, act like you're holding it, keep a litter box under your desk. After two weeks, say that your cat is missing. Put up signs in your dorm, blame your roommate.
Call safety & security whenever your roommate turns up his/her music.
Follow him/her around on weekends.
Sit on the floor and talk to the wall.
Whenever the phone rings, get up and answer the door.
Whenever someone knocks, answer the phone.
Take his/her underwear. Wear it.
Whenever your roommate is walking through the room, bump into him/her.
Stare at your roommate for five minutes out of every hour. Don't say anything, just stare.
Tell your roommate that someone called and said that it was really important but you can't remember who it was.
Let mice loose in his/her room.
Give each of your walls a different name. Whenever you can't answer a problem, ask each of your walls. Write down their responses, then ask your ceiling for the final answer. Complain to your roommate that you don't trust your ceiling.
Take your roommate's papers and hand them in as your own.
Skip to the bathroom.
Take all of your roommate's furniture and build a fort. Guard the fort for an entire weekend.
Gather up a garbage bag full of leaves and throw them in a pile in his/her room. Jump in them. Comment about the beautiful foilage.
When you walk into your room, turn off your lights. Turn them on when you leave.
Print up satanic signs and leave them in your room where he/she can find them.
Whenever you're on the phone and he/she walks in, hang up immediately without saying anything and crawl under your desk. Sit there for two minutes than call whoever it was back.
Insist on writing the entire lyrics to American Pie on your ceiling above your bed. Sing them every night before you go to bed.
Use a bible as kleenex. Yell at your roommate if they say Jesus or God Damnit.
Burn incense.
Eat moths.
Buy Sea Monkeys and grow them. Name one after your roommate. Announce the next day that that one died. Name another one after your roommate. The next day say that it died. Keep this up until they all die.
Collect Chia-Pets.
Refuse to communicate in anything but sign language.
Eat a bag of marshmellows before you go to bed. The next day, spray three bottles of whip cream all over your floor. Say you got sick.
Wipe deoderant all over your roommate's walls.
If you know that he/she is in the room, come barging in out of breath. Ask if they saw a fat bald naked Tibetan man run through carrying a hundred dollar bill. Run back out swearing.
Leave apple cores on his/her bed.
Buy an inflatable doll. Sleep with it.
Hang stuffed animals with nooses from your ceiling. Whenever you walk by them mutter, "You shouldn't have done that to me."
Lick him/her while they are asleep.
Dress in drag.
Make brown-bag lunches for your roommate every morning. Give them to him/her before he/she goes to class.
Every time you enter the room, sit in a chair, lean back too far, and fall over backwards. Laugh hysterically for about ten minutes. Then, one day, repeat the falling-over exercise, but instead of laughing, get up, look at the chair sternly, and say, "It's not funny anymore."
Read with a flashlight when the lights are on. Pretend to read without one when the lights are out, remarking every so often how great the book is.
Get a surfboard. Put it on your bed. Stand on it, and pretend to surf for about fifteen minutes. Then, pretend to "wipe out," and fall off the bed onto the floor. Pretend you are drowning until your roommate comes over to "rescue" you.
Keep a hamster as a pet. Buy a blender, and make milkshakes every day. Then, one day, get rid of the hamster. Make a shake using a lot of ketchup. When your roommate comes in, look at the shake, look at the empty cage, and tell your roommate, "I was curious."
Make toast for breakfast every morning, but don't plug the toaster in. Eat the plain bread, looking at the toaster angrily, and complain that the toaster doesn't know what it's doing. If your roommate suggests plugging it in, go on a tangent about fire-safety hazards.
Pack up all of your things and tell your roommate that you're going away to "find yourself." Leave, and come back in about ten minutes. If your roommate asks, explain that you're not a hard girl to find.
Never speak to your roommate directly. If you need to ask or tell him/her something, go to another room and call him/her on the phone.
Every night, before you go to bed, beg your roommate for a glass of water. When he/she brings it, dump it on the floor and immediately go to sleep. If he/she ever refuses to bring you a glass of water, lie on the bed and pretend to be dying of dehydration, making annoying gagging sounds,until he/she does so.
Every time the phone rings, turn on the stereo at full volume and begin to violently slam-dance with your roommate. If he/she asks about it, say, "Oh, that damn hypnotist...."
Hang a picture of your roommate on the wall. Throw darts at it. Smile at your roommate often, saying things like, "How nice to see you again."
Get a can of beans. Label them, "Jumping beans." Eat them, and then jump around the room. Get another can of beans. Label them, "Dancing beans." Eat them, and then dance around the room. Get another can of beans. Label them, "Kill Your Roommate beans." Eat them, smiling at your roommate.
Every time your roommate falls asleep, wait ten minutes, and then wake him/her up and say, "It's time to go to bed now."
Insist that your roommate recite the "Pledge Of Allegiance" with you every morning.
Recite "Dr. Seuss" books, all the time. Eventually, think up melodies for the words and sing them, loudly, directly to your roommate. If he/she tells you to stop, act offended and spend the day in bed.
Put up traffic signs around the room. If your roommate doesn't obey them, give him/her tickets. Confiscate something your roommate owns until he/she pays the tickets.
Walk, talk, and dress like a cowboy at all times. If your roommate inquires, tell him/her, "Don't worry little buckaroo. You'll be safe with me."
Complain that your elbows, knees, and other joints have been bothering you. Get a screwdriver,and pretend to "fix" them.
Paint abstract paintings, and title them things like,"Roommate Dying in a Car Crash," and "Roommate Getting Whacked in the Head with a Shovel." Comment often about how much you love the paintings.
Wear glasses, and complain that you can never see anything. Bump into walls and doors. Put your clothes on backwards. Say, "Who's that?" every time your roommate enters the room. When you're not wearing the glasses, act like you can see fine.
Buy a lava lamp. Stare at it for hours, imitating its movements with your face. Explain to your roommate that you have established a connection with the spirit world through the lava lamp. Tell your roommate that "Grandma said hi."
Keep empty jars on the shelf. Tell your roommate that this is your collection of "inert gases." Look at them often. One day, act surprised and angered, and accuse your roommate of having released one of the gases. Cover your nose and mouth and run out of the room.
Wear scary Halloween masks. Look in the mirror and scream hysterically for about five minutes every time you put one on.
Rollerskate up and down the hallway. Every time you see your roommate, crash into him/her and knock him/her down. Apologize, and say that he/she looked like "the enemy."
Put headphones on your roommate while he/she is sleeping, and subliminally teach him/her to speak Spanish, play the trombone, and memorize all the major imports and exports of each African nation.
Stick your head out the window, but forget to open it, so that your head crashes through the glass. Then say, "Silly me," open the window again, and try to stick your head through. Act like you hit your head on something.
Dress like a military officer. Insist that your roommate salute you upon sight. If he/she refuses, insist that he/she do 100 push-ups. Keep saying things like, "Your momma isn't here to take care of you any more."
Keep a collection of teeth in a jar. Act excited whenever you add to it, and say things like, "In a little while I'll have enough for that sailboat."
Get a pet rabbit. At a designated time every day, take the rabbit into the bathroom and engage in loud shouting matches. If your roommate inquires, refuse to discuss the situation.
Spread toothpicks all over the floor. Stare at them, acting like you're trying to read something. Tell your roommate it's a message from God, but you're not sure whether it's a warning about a loved one in danger or a recipe for really great chili.
Insist that you are a vegetarian and protest anytime your roommate eats meat. Then leave "Slim Jim" wrappers on the floor and lie on the bed holding your stomach every time your roommate walks in. If he/she asks about the wrappers, say you know nothing about them.
Get some hair. Disperse it around your roommate's head while he/she is asleep. Keep a pair of scissors by your bed. Snicker at your roommate every morning.
Every time your roommate walks in yell, "Hooray! You're back!" as loud as you can and dance around the room for 5 minutes. Afterwards keep looking at your watch and saying, "Shouldn't you be going somewhere?"
Trash your room when your roommates not around. Then leave and wait for your roommate to come back. When he/she does, walk in and act surprised. Say, "Uh-oh, it looks like THEY were here again."
Every time you see your roommate yell, "You son of a..." and kick him/her in the stomach. Then buy him/her some ice cream.
Set your roommate's bed on fire. Apologize and explain that you've been watching too much Beavis and Butthead. Do it again. Tell him/her that your not sorry because this time they deserved it.
Put your glasses on before going to bed. Take them off as soon as you wake up. If your roommate asks, explain that they are Magic Dream Glasses. Complain that you've been having terrible nightmares.
Eat lots of Lucky Charms. Pick out all the yellow moons and
stockpile them in the closet. If your roommate inquires, explain that visitors are coming, but you can't say anything more, or you'll have to face the consequences.
Set up meetings with your roommate's faculty advisor. Inquire about his/her academic potential. Take lots of notes, and then give your roommate a full report. Insist that he/she do the same.
"Drink" a raw egg for breakfast every morning. Explain that you are in training. Eat a dozen donuts every night.
Every thursday, pack up everything that you own and tell your
roommate that you're going home. Come back in an hour and explain that no one was home. Unpack everything and go to sleep.
Every time you wake up, start yelling, "Oh my God! Where the hell am I?!" and run around the room for a few minutes. Then go back to bed. If your roommate asks, say you don't know what he/she is talking about.
Draw a tiny, black spot on your arm. Make it bigger every day. Look at it and say, "It's spreading, it's spreading!"
Buy a McDonald's Happy Meal for lunch every day. Eat the straw and the napkin. Throw everything else away.
Buy a plant. Sleep with it at night. Talk to it. After a few weeks, start to argue with it loudly. Then yell, "I can't live in the same room with you," storm out of the room and slam the door. Get rid of the plant, but keep the pot. Refuse to discuss the plant ever again.
Buy a Jack-In-The-Box. Every day, turn the handle until the clown pops out. Scream continuously for twenty minutes.
Hang up pictures of chickens all over the room. If your roommate eats eggs, yell at him/her and call him/her a cannibal.
Buy some knives. Sharpen them every night. While you're doing so, look at your roommate and mutter, "Soon, soon..."
Lock the door while your roommate is out. When he/she comes back and tries to unlock it, yell, "Don't come in, I'm naked!" Keep this up for several hours. When you finally let your roommate in, immediately take off all of your clothes, and ignore your roommate.
Bring in potential "new" roommates from around campus. Give them tours of the room and the building. Have them ask about your roommate in front of him/her, and reply, "Oh, him/her. He/She won't be here much longer.
If your roommate comes home after midnight, hit him/her on the head with a rolling pin. Immediately go to bed, muttering, "Ungrateful little..."
Pile dirty dishes in your roommate's bed. Insist that you don't know how they got there.
Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil.
Feign a serious illness for two weeks. Have a priest come and visit you. Write out a will, leaving everything to your roommate. One day, miraculously "recover." Insist that your roommate write out a will, leaving everything to you. Every time he/she coughs, excitedly say, "Ooh, are you dying?"
Live in the hallway for a month. Afterwards bring all of your stuff back into the room and tell your roommate, "Okay, your turn."
Keep a tarantula in a jar for three days. Then get rid of it. If your roommate asks, say, "Oh, he's around here somewhere."
Tell your roommate, "I've got an important message for you." Then pretend to faint. When you recover, say that you can't remember what the message was. Later on, say, "Oh yeah, I remember!" Pretend to faint again. Keep this up for several weeks.
Bowl inside the room. Set up tournaments with other people in the building. Award someone a trophy. If your roommate wants to bowl too, explain that he/she needs bowling shoes.
Walk backwards all the time. Then pretend to trip and hurt yourself. Fake an injury and go through a long, painful recovery. Start walking backwards again.
While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan.
Explain to your roommate that you are going to be housing a
prospective student in the near future. One day, bring in a pig. If your roommate protests, hug the pig and tell your roommate that he/she hurt its feelings. Watch t.v. with the pig, eating lots of bacon.
Make a sandwich. Don't eat it, leave it on the floor. Ignore the sandwich. Wait until your roommate gets rid of it, and then say, "Hey, where the hell is my sandwich!?" Complain loudly that you are
hungry.
Punch a hole in the t.v. Sit and watch it anyway, complaining about the bad reception.
Wear a cape. Stand in front of the window for about an hour every day. Then, one day, when your roommate is gone, go outside the window and lie down underneath the window, pretending to be
hurt, and wait for your roommate to return. The next day, start standing in front of the window again.
Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one after your roommate. Separate your roommate's potato from the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate's
potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, "He just didn't belong."
Fill an empty shaving cream can with whipped cream. Use it to shave, and then spray some into your mouth. Later on, complain that you feel sick. Continue this process for several weeks.
Cover your bed with a tent. Live inside it for a week. If your
roommate asks, explain that "It's a jungle out there." Get your roommate to bring you food and water.
Keep a vacuum cleaner in the middle of the room. Look at it with fear for a few days. Then, stay out of the room entirely, opening the door only a crack and whispering to your roommate, "Psst! Is it gone?"
Break the window with a rock. If your roommate protests, explain that you were hot. Open and close the broken window as you normally would.
Throw darts at a bare wall. All of a sudden, act excited, telling your roommate that you hit the bull's eye.
Send flowers to your roommate, with a card that says, "I'm sorry. It won't happen again." When you see them, start ripping up the flowers. Repeat the process for a few weeks.
Call your roommate Clyde by accident. Start doing so every so often. Increase the frequency over the next few weeks, until you are calling him/her Clyde all the time. If your roommate protests, say, "I'm sorry. I won't do that anymore, Murray."
Hire a night watchman to guard the room while you are sleeping.
Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if he/she knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty side of the room with concern.
Practice needlepoint every night. At one point, grab your thumb and scream, "Owwwww!" Cry hysterically for a few minutes, and then go back to bed. Sob and sniff all night.
When your roommate comes in, pretend that you are on the phone, screaming angrily and shouting obscenities. After you hang up, say, "That was your mom. She said she'd call back."
Every time your roommate comes in, immediately turn off the lights and go to bed. When he/she leaves, get up and loudly yell, "Okay guys, you can come out now!"
Start wearing a crown, all the time. If your roommate tells you to take it off, say, "What the hell do you think you are? A king?"
Sit in front of a chess board for hours, saying nothing, doing
nothing. Then look up and say, "I think this game goes a lot faster with two players."
Talk back to your Rice Krispies. All of a sudden, act offended,
throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up, explaining, "No, I want to watch them suffer."
Change the locks on the door. Don't let your roommate in unless he/she says the secret word. Change the secret word often. If your roommate can't guess the secret word, make him/her pay a tithe.
Scatter stuffed animals around the room. Put party hats on them. Play loud music. When your roommate walks in, turn off the music, take off the party hats, put away the stuffed animals, and say, "Well, it was fun while it lasted."
Hang a tire swing from the ceiling. Act like a monkey. If someone besides your roommate comes in, cease acting like a monkey and claim that the tire swing was your roommate's idea. When you and your roommate are alone again, continue acting like a monkey.
Unplug everything in the room except for one toaster. Pray to the toaster. Bring it gifts. Throw some of your roommate's possessions out the window. Say that the toaster made you do it.
Challenge your roommate to a duel. If he/she refuses, claim that you have won by forfeit and therefore have conquered his side of the room. Insist that he/she remove all of his/her possessions
immediately.
Sign your roommate up for various activities. (Campus tour guide, blood donor, organ donor)
Start dressing like an Indian. If your roommate inquires, claim that you are getting in touch with your Native-American roots. If your roommate accuses you of not having any Native-American roots, claim that he/she has offended your people and put a curse on your roommate.
Wear your shoes on the wrong feet, all the time. Constantly complain that your feet hurt.
Hit your roommate on the head with a brick. Claim that you were
trying to kill a mosquito.
Steal something valuable of your roommate's. If he/she asks about it, tell him/her that you traded it for magic beans. Give some beans to your roommate.
Instead of turning off the light switch, smash the light bulb with a hammer. Put a new bulb in the next day. Complain often about the cost of lightbulbs.
Videotape yourself hammering a nail into a wall for awhile, and then stopping. Play the tape in your room. Right before the hammering stops on the videotape, look at the screen and say, "Don't do that."
Buy a lamp. Tell your roommate it's a magic lamp, with a genie
inside it. Spend a week thinking about what to wish for. At the end of the week, report the someone has released the genie from the
lamp. Blame your roommate.
Whenever your roommate brushes his/her teeth, watch him/her do so. Take notes. Write a paper on it, and circulate it around campus. If your roommate protests, say, "The people have a right to know!"
Collect potato chips that you think look like famous people. Find one that looks like your roommate. Burn it, and explain, "It had to be done."
Read the phone book out loud and excitedly. ("Frank Johnson! Oh wow! 894-8302! Holy cow!")
Shadow box several times a day. One day, walk in looking depressed. If your roommate asks what's wrong, explain that your shadow can't box with you anymore due to an injury. Ask your
roommate if you can box with his/her shadow.
When you walk into the room, look at the roommate in disgust and yell, "Oh you're here!" Walk away yelling and cursing.
Put up flyers around the building, reporting that your roommate is missing. Offer a reward for his/her safe return.
Buy a watermelon. Draw a face on it and give it a name. Ask your roommate if the watermelon can sleep in his/her bed. If your roommate says no, drop the watermelon out the window. Make it look like a suicide. Say nasty things about your roommate at the funeral.
Draw a chalk outline on the floor. When your roommate comes in, say, "Don't worry. It's not what you think." If he/she asks about it again, immediately change the subject.
Drink a cup of coffee every morning. When you finish it, gnaw on the mug for about ten minutes. Then look at your roommate, immediately put the mug away, and quickly leave the room.
Paint a tunnel on the wall like they do in cartoons. Every day, hit your head as you attempt to crawl through it. Hold your head and grumble, "Damn road runner....."
Leave memos on your roommate's bed that say things like, "I know what you did," and "Don't think that you can fool me." Sign them in blood.
Hold a raffle, offering your roommate as first prize. If he/she
protests, tell him/her that it's all for charity.
Make cue cards for your roommate. Get them out whenever you want to have a conversation.
Talk like a pirate all the time. Threaten to make your roommate walk the plank if he/she doesn't swab the deck. Arrrrrrrrrrgh!
Set up about twenty plants in an organized formation. When your
roommate walks in, pretend to be in the middle of delivering a speech to the plants. Whisper to them, "We'll continue this later," while eyeing your roommate suspiciously.
Buy a telescope. Sit on your bed and look across the room at your roommate through the telescope. When you're not using the telescope, act like your roommate is too far away for you to see.
Keep some worms in a shoe box. When doing homework, go and consult with the worms every so often. Then become angry, shouting at the worms that they're stupid and they don't know what they are talking about.
Watch "Psycho" every day for a month. Then act excited every time your roommate goes to take a shower.
Wear a paper hat. Every time your roommate walks in, say, "Welcome to McDonald's, can I take your...Oh, it's just you." Take off the hat, sit, and pout.
Go through your roommate's textbooks with a red pen, changing things and making random corrections. If your roommate protests, tell him/her that you just couldn't take it anymore.
Leave the room at random, knock on the door, and wait for your
roommate to let you back in. If he/she complains about it, go on a tangent about the importance of good manners.
Hang a horseshoe above the door. Make up stories about having had good luck. Then, take the horseshoe down and wrap your head in bandages. When you see your roommate, look above the door where the horseshoe used to be, hold your head, and mutter, "Stupid horseshoe..."
Carve a jack-o-lantern. Complain to your roommate that the jack-o-lantern has been staring at you. The next day, tell your roommate that the jack-o-lantern thinks he/she has been staring at it. Confide in your roommate that you really don't like the jack-o-lantern, but you can't convince it to move out.
As soon as your roommate turns off the light at night, begin singing famous operas as loud as you can. When your roommate turns on the light, look around and pretend to be confused.
Hang a basketball net on the wall. Challenge your refrigerator to basketball games, and play them in front of your roommate. Do so for about a month. Confide in your roommate that you think that the refrigerator has been taking steroids.
Drink lots of lemonade. Talk obnoxiously for hours about how much you love lemonade. Then, one day, paint your face yellow. From then on, complain about how much you hate lemonade.
Late at night, start conversations that begin with, "Remember the good old days, when we used to..." and make up stories involving you and your roommate.
Whenever your roommate sneezes, go and hide in the closet for about an hour. Look around nervously for the rest of the day.
Sit and stare at your roommate for hours. Bring others in to join you. Eat peanuts, throwing a few at your roommate. Then say, "Boy, these zoos just aren't what they used to be."
Tell your roommate that your toe hurts, and that means that there's going to be an earthquake, soon. While your roommate is out, trash everything on his/her side of the room. When he/she returns, explain that the earthquake hit, but only on one side of the room.
Buy a gun. Clean it every day. One day, put a band-aid on your
forehead, and refuse to discuss the gun ever again.
Buy a lobster. Pretend to play cards with it. Complain to your
roommate that the lobster is making up his own rules.
Make pancakes every morning, but don't eat them. Draw faces on them, and toss them in the closet. Watch them for several hours each day. Complain to your roommate that your "pancake farm" isn't evolving into a self-sufficient community. Confide to your roommate that you think the king of the pancakes has been taking bribes.
While you are ironing, pretend to burn yourself. Start a garbage can fire in the middle of the room. Toss the iron inside. If your roommate objects, explain that you are just trying to get even.
Buy some turtles. Paint numbers on their backs. Race them down the hall.
Put out a plate of cookies at night. Tell your roommate that they're for the Sandman. Take a bite out of one of the cookies while your roommate is asleep. The next morning, accuse your roommate of
having bitten one of the cookies. If he/she tries to tell you the Sandman did it, insist that you know what the Sandman's teeth
marks look like and that those are, in fact, not the Sandman's teeth marks. Grumble angrily and storm out of the room.
Create an army of animal crackers. Put them through basic training. Set up little checkpoints around the room. Tell your roommate that the camel spotted him/her in a restricted area and said not to do it again. Ask your roommate to apologize to the camel.
HOW TO BE ANNOYING IN CLASS
Sit in the front row and spend the lecture filing your teeth into sharp points.
Sit in the front and color in your textbook.
Introduce yourself to the class as the "master of the pan flute".
Wear earmuffs. Every few minutes, ask the professor to speak louder.
Squint thoughtfully while giving the professor strange looks. In the middle of the lecture, tell him he looks familiar and ask if he was ever in an episode of Starsky and Hutch.
Ask whether the first chapter will be on the test. If the professor says no, rip the pages out of your textbook.
Sing your questions.
Speak only in rhymes and hum the Brady Bunch theme.
When the professor calls roll, after each name scream, "THATS MEEEEE! Oh, no, sorry."
Page through the textbook scratching each picture and sniffing it.
Hold up a piece of paper that says in large letters "CHECK YOUR FLY".
Inform the class that you are Belgian royalty, and have a friend bang cymbals together whenever your name is spoken.
Address the professor as "Your Excellency".
Sit in the front, sniff suspiciously, and ask the professor if he's been drinking.
Shout "WOW!" after every sentence of the lecture.
Ask whether you have to come to class.
Brush your teeth during class. While doing so, raise your hand as if you
have a question, and mumble your question incoherantly while brushing,
spewing toothpaste all over the place. If your professor objects to your
actions, go on a tirade about proper oral hygiene.
Sit way at the back of the room, up against the wall, to get as far
away from your professor as possible. While he/she is lecturing, shout out
things like, "What!?" and "Speak up! You're mumbling!" If your professor
advises you to sit closer to the front, tell him/her you can't because
you're scouting the room for "assassins."
If you have an early morning class, get there before anyone else, and
bring a pillow, some blankets, an air mattress, and an alarm clock. Wear
your pajamas. Lie down on the air mattress with the pillow and the blankets
and act like you're asleep. Have the alarm set for about two minutes into
class. When it goes off, preferably very loudly, hit the "snooze" button
and go back to sleep. Keep doing so for the duration of the class.
Dispute everything your professor says, no matter how simple. Try to get
him/her to "prove" everything to you. Rant and rave about what a big liar
your professor is. Yell at students who are taking notes, saying, "Stop
writing down all these lies!"
Show up to class about ten minutes late. Ride into the room on a
bicycle, yell, "Look out!", and crash into the blackboard. Get up, take a
seat, and act like nothing happened. Do this every day.
Keep "accidentally" setting fires at your desk. Burn notebooks,
papers, or whatever you have handy. Whenever you start a fire, no matter
how small it is, start yelling, "Fire! Fire!" and run out of the room in a
panic. Don't return for the rest of class.
Hide somewhere inside the classroom. Wait for your professor to take
attendance. Don't come out when he/she calls your name. Halfway through
class, jump out and yell, "Just kidding! I'm here! Fooled you again!" Sit
down and be quiet for the rest of class.
Wrap yourself in bandages and come to class in a wheelchair.
Throughout class, cry a lot and moan things like, "Why me?" and "Please kill
me!" Get up during class, like your going to miraculously start walking.
Instead, fall down, cry out in pain, and wait for someone to help you back
up. When class is over, say, "I feel better now," leap up, and run home.
Come to class with a jar full of angry hornets. Five minutes into
class, release the hornets, scream, and run away.
Bring a vacuum to class. Halfway through class, stand up and start
using it. If your professor objects, explain that you "can't stand sitting
in this pigsty any longer." Keep vacuuming, grumbling angrily.
Bring a small cactus to class with you. Raise your hand, and when
you're called on, say that the cactus has a question. Turn and look at the
cactus, as if you're waiting for it to say something. After a few moments,
shrug, and wait for your professor to move on. Do this once a day, and
become increasingly irritated with the cactus every time, sighing heavily
and giving it evil looks when it fails to "speak." When you leave the room
after class, start yelling at the cactus, "I can't believe you embarrassed
me AGAIN...."
Every time your professor stutters, do a shot. If he/she objects,
explain that drinking games make the class more interesting.
When your professor gives you a syllabus, take it home, correct it, give
it a grade, and return it to the professor. Demand extra credit.
Come to class every day wearing scary Halloween masks. Try to get
your professor to guess who you are. Shoot him/her with a water pistol,
scream, and run around the room knocking things over. Say, "Pretty scary,
huh?"
Get the whole class to show up a few minutes early, and throw a
surprise party for your professor. Insist that you can't start class
until he/she has a piece of cake. Keep asking people when the strippers are
going to arrive.
Instead of taking notes, do an abstract painting during every class.
Call the paintings things like, "Professor Acting Like Mr. Know-It-All" or
"Idiot Who Doesn't Know What The Hell He's Talking About." Give the
paintings to your professor as gifts.
Wait for your professor to mention a date, and then yell out, "Bingo!"
Apologize, and explain that you got confused.
Carve a bust of your professor out of cheese. Tie a ribbon around it,
and present it to him/her at the beginning of class. Demand extra credit.
Write your professor a note that says, "I'm going to be about 15
minutes late. Go ahead and start without me." Wait outside the building
until the time when class is supposed to begin. Tie the note to a rock, and
throw it through the window.
Write down everything that your professor says, word for word. Think up
a melody, and turn the words into a song. Bring a guitar to class and
perform the song for the class. Explain to your professor that he/she is
"very inspiring."
Get a monkey, and bring it to class with you. Tell your professor
that you've hired the monkey to take notes for you. Sit back and relax
during class, letting the monkey scribble on a piece of paper. When it
comes time to write a paper or take a test, write down things like, "I wish
I had a banana" and "I miss my tire swing." Assuming you get a bad grade,
angrily fire the monkey in front of your professor.
When you have to write a paper, get it done early and mail it to your
professor's house. From then on, don't hand anything in, and blame it on
the sluggishness of the U.S. Postal Service.
Tell your professor that you'd like to interview him/her for a writing
class. Get him/her to tell you his/her life story. Act interested, and
write down everything he/she says. Fabricate a few romantic interludes and
turn your efforts into a trashy romance novel. Make copies for the entire
class, and your professor. Demand extra credit.
Draw hearts and flowers on the backs of your papers and tests. Next to
them, write things like, "You're the best, even though you suck" and "You're
the worst professor in the world, but I still love you."
Start asking questions in a fake foreign language. Act like your
professor is stupid for not being able to understand you. Get other
people in the class to start speaking the fake language too, and have
frequent discussions during class. Act like you're really interested in
what you're discussing. If your professor tries to interrupt or stop you,
act annoyed and motion for him/her to quiet down.
Ask whether you have to come to class.
50 WAYS TO BE ANNOYING DURRING A FINAL
Bring a pillow. Fall asleep (or pretend to) until the last 15
minutes. Wake up, say "oh geez, better get cracking" and do some gibberish
work. Turn it in a few minutes early.
Get a copy of the exam, run out screaming "Andre, Andre, I've got the
secret documents!!"
If it is a math/science exam, answer in essay form. If it is long
answer/essay form, answer with numbers and symbols. Be creative. Use the
integral symbol.
Make paper airplanes out of the exam. Aim them at the instructor's
left nostril.
Talk the entire way through the exam. Read questions aloud, debate
your answers with yourself out loud. If asked to stop, yell out, "I'm SOOO
sure you can hear me thinking." Then start talking about what a jerk the
instructor is.
Bring cheerleaders.
Walk in, get the exam, sit down. About five minutes into it, loudly
say to the instructor, "I don't understand ANY of this. I've been to every
lecture all semester long! What's the deal? And who the hell are you?
Where's the regular guy?"
Bring a Game Boy (or Game Gear, etc...). Play with the volume at max
level.
On the answer sheet (book, whatever) find a new, interesting way to
refuse to answer every question. For example: I refuse to answer this
question on the grounds that it conflicts with my religious beliefs. Be
creative.
. Bring pets.
Run into the exam room looking about frantically. Breathe a sigh of
relief. Go to the instructor, say "They've found me, I have to leave the
country" and run off.
Fifteen minutes into the exam, stand up, rip up all the papers into
very small pieces, throw them into the air and yell out "Merry Christmas."
Ask for another copy of the exam. Say you lost the
first one. Repeat this process every fifteen minutes.
Do the exam with crayons, paint, or fluorescent markers.
Come into the exam wearing slippers, a bathrobe, a towel on your
head, and nothing else.
Come down with a BAD case of Turet's Syndrome during the exam. Be as
vulgar as possible.
Do the entire exam in another language. If you don't know one, make
one up! For math/science exams, try using Roman numerals.
Bring things to throw at the instructor when s/he's not looking.
Blame it on the person nearest to you.
As soon as the instructor hands you the exam, eat it.
Walk into the exam with an entourage. Claim you are going to be
taping your next video during the exam. Try to get the instructor to let
them stay, be persuasive. Tell the instructor to expect a percentage of the
profits if they are allowed to stay.
. Every five minutes, stand up, collect all your things, move to
another seat, continue with the exam.
Turn in the exam approximately 30 minutes into it. As you walk out,
start commenting on how easy it was.
Do the entire exam as if it was multiple choice and true/false. If
it is a multiple choice exam, spell out interesting things (DCCAB. BABE.
etc..).
Bring a black marker. Return the exam with all questions and
answers completely blacked out.
Arrange a protest before the exam starts (i.e. Threaten the
instructor that whether or not everyone's done, they are all leaving after
one hour to go drink)
Show up completely drunk. (Completely drunk means at some point
during the exam, you should start crying for mommy).
Every now and then, clap twice rapidly. If the instructor asks why,
tell him/her in a very derogatory tone, "the light bulb that goes on above
my head when I get an idea is hooked up to a clapper. DUH!"
Comment on how sexy the instructor is looking that day.
Come to the exam wearing a black cloak. After about 30 minutes, put
on a white mask and start yelling "I'm here, the phantom of the opera" until
they drag you away.
Go to an exam for a class you have no clue about, where you know the
class is very small, and the instructor would recognize you if you belonged.
Claim that you have been to every lecture. Fight for your right to take the
exam.
Upon receiving the exam, look it over, while laughing loudly, say
"you don't really expect me to waste my time on this drivel? Days of our
Lives is on!!!"
Bring a water pistol with you. Nuff said.
From the moment the exam begins, hum the theme to Jeopardy. Ignore
the instructor's requests for you to stop. When they finally get you to
leave one way or another, begin whistling the theme to the Bridge on the
River Kwai.
Start a brawl in the middle of the exam.
If the exam is math/science related, make up the longest proofs you
could possibly think of. Get pi and imaginary numbers into most equations.
If it is a written exam, relate everything to your own life story.
Come in wearing a full knight's outfit, complete with sword and
shield.
Bring a friend to give you a back massage the entire way through the
exam. Insist this person is needed, because you have bad circulation.
Bring cheat sheets from an utterly unrelated class and staple them to the exam, with the comment
"Please use the attached notes for references as you see fit."
When you walk in, complain about the heat. Strip.
After you get the exam, call the instructor over, point to any
question, ask for the answer. Try to work it out of him/her.
One word: Wrestlemania.
Bring balloons, blow them up, start throwing them around like they
do before concerts start.
Try to get people in the room to do the wave.
Play frisbee with a friend at the other side of the room.
Bring some large, cumbersome, ugly idol. Put it right next to you.
Pray to it often. Consider a small sacrifice.
Get deliveries of candy, flowers, balloons, telegrams, etc... sent
to you every few minutes throughout the exam.
During the exam, take apart everything around you. Desks, chairs,
anything you can reach.
Get the exam. Twenty minutes into it, throw your papers down
violently, scream out "Fuck this!" and walk out triumphantly.
