The Adventures of Lynne Douglas |
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Journey to the Centre of the Earth | Plight of the Mousemat | Tarot of Death |
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| Downward Spiral of Lynne Douglas | Redemption of the Death Squad | Beyond the Sunderdome | |||
Redemption of the Death Squad Having been fired from the workhouse for lack of enough arms Lynne Douglas found it rather hard to get a job since the act of mutiny committed by the limb in question. She had tried everything in her think-bank to try and tempt it back to its correct position on her shoulder. First she had tried counselling, she’d taken it to one of the top relationship counsellors in the country Dr Hoare but this had seemingly no effect except a few tears on the arm’s behalf. Next she had tried bribing it with shortbread, but at every possible attempt the arm resisted her generous offers claiming it was on a diet. It was some weeks later before she realised that all these attempts had been in vain, as she leapt from her place in the dole queue exclaiming, “It’s a fucking arm, they don’t have the ability to communicate, barter or accept persuasion. My god what have I been doing for the past six months.” This was when realisation finally set in for Lynne. Of course several people had in this time told her to seek medical attention, primarily to get her head seen to because she’d obviously lost the plot, but also to get the arm sewn back on. Unfortunately by the time this stint of realisation had occurred it was already too late and a crude attempt on her behalf at sewing the arm on with a sewing machine when she broke into her former workhouse failed miserably and resulted in the deaths of several workhouse staff. Having spent the best part of seven months on the dole and incapacity
benefit Lynne decided enough was enough and actively sought a new job.
Her natural first thought was to become a ‘One-Armed Bandit’
for an amusement arcade. The manager of the local arcade was more than
happy to take Lynne on so long as she had a few alterations made before
she started a week on Monday. The surgeon was a little confused when she
had entered his surgery and said, “I require you to fit a barrel
in my chest with three independently rotating sections covered in fruit,
bells, a rectangle that says ‘BAR’ on it and a colostomy bag
to collect the money in.” She wasn’t out of work for long though, as she found her true calling when capital punishment was re-introduced to Heywood and she became head executioner. The hours were short, the pay was good and in truth the one armed wonder quite enjoyed taking people’s lives, especially if they cried! It had been easy enough for Lynne to get the job; it was a council position so being an invalid practically handed her the job on a plate, that and the fact that she had previously murdered people, though she only hinted at this in the interview. She found that her favourite method was hanging, as she liked the noise of snapping necks – it reminded her of the crack of the whip from her workhouse days. But it seemed that this happiness would be shorted lived, for it was
the Tuesday morning before Christmas and Lynne was indulging in her council
issue breakfast of lobster when the bad news came. She read the headline
on the front page of the Heywood Advertiser, and then she read it again
just to make sure she hadn’t made a mistake the first time. Sure
enough the words remained the same, “Capital Punishment to be abolished!” Two days later she awoke in the doorway of the Natwest bank having been
on a drinking binge since the bad news had broke, though in all fairness
she would have over indulged on alcohol come rain or shine! She was covered
in newspapers that a kindly tramp named Alban Kilgour had laid on her
to keep the frost off her head. Having been out of circulation for two
days she felt it her duty to catch up on current affairs, so the drunken
Douglas had a quick gaze through the paper. There was an article about
the abolition of the death penalty on the front page, Lynne read on in
horror, “…anyone involved in executions will themselves be
executed in accordance with new irony laws starting with the executioner
with the highest body count Lynne Douglas of Heywood, formerly of Scotland.” The crafty Scot gathered together her thoughts in a bundle, disbanded
them, then recaptured them and set them on fire. Whilst she was doing
this mental stacking a mere sixpence of a man walked towards her, gun
in hand and kicking the dead dogs aside. Lynne stumbled to her feet still partially unsteady from her two-day
binge. She began to have flashbacks and she realised that Alban Kilgour
the tramp who’d covered her in newspaper the night before had also
plied her with rohypnol, not to rape her but just to knock her out as
she’d been talking too much. She left this thought behind and stared
at Niles in disbelief saying, “I can’t believe it, I’m
in disbelief! You saved me Niles but why?” Contents of this website all rights reserved © Phil McGarty 2008 | |||