The Adventures of Lynne Douglas |
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Journey to the Centre of the Earth | Plight of the Mousemat | Tarot of Death |
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| Downward Spiral of Lynne Douglas | Redemption of the Death Squad | Beyond the Sunderdome | |||
The Downward Spiral of Lynne Douglas Upon departing from the train Lynne considered the unsuccessful nature
of her holiday to Blackpool, she thought to herself that it had been even
less successful than her stint of selling tweed curtains to schoolteachers
– this sent a shudder down her spine. Far from coming back relaxed
she had returned as a knotted sandwich with half the filling already falling
out before the packet has been opened. It was a few minutes before a man came over and told her that the lines weren’t carrying any electric current and therefore her folly was far beyond pointless. In a gesture of irony she found that her executive travel case had knocked the unfortunate man into the path of an oncoming train and his remnants were now travelling to Birmingham at 100mph. She decided that the best course of action would be to scarper in case the cops fingered her for the man’s murder, as this was her third offence and under new laws the punishment would be either guillotine or hanging. Although she had just tried to end her life she wanted the pleasure of ending it herself, no executioner would get one over on her! Her swamped mind began to wander, ‘This has been a rather shocking morning, not only have I committed a murder, failed a suicide attempt, returned from the most stressful holiday in the history of mankind, but I have also lost my irreplaceable executive travel case that I won on Bullseye in the 80’s and along with it my supply of souvenir shortbread!’ Back in Heywood things weren’t much better as they had just re-introduced
the Guinea as their currency and the bureau de change had closed at 4:00
sharp and she needed to buy some more shortbread before returning to her
workhouse. All of a sudden she heard a ringing noise coming from her pocket;
she pulled out a phone and considered the peculiarity of the situation,
as she used carrier pigeons and therefore didn’t own a mobile phone. Travelling through space at 300 million miles per hour in the dynamic space rocket Lynne had managed to catch up on her reading and was now only one issue behind. They had sent a man with her to pilot the craft, she didn’t know his name but she knew he was from Delauneys Road and that was good enough for her. Lynne had also insisted that the rocket should be powered by a team of malnourished peasants rather than by conventional fuels and the Readers Digest were only too happy to oblige. The touchdown passed without incident and Lynne was now fully up to date
on her reading. She bounded out of the rocket and onto the planet’s
surface. As soon as she had bought some souvenir shortbread from the shop they
set off for home in the rocket. On the way she ate the pilot for no particular
reason, steered the rocket through a deadly asteroid belt and then intentionally
crashed the rocket into the Rochdale canal leaving it amongst some submerged
shopping trolleys. “Lets hope they forget about the article because
I really can’t be bothered writing it right now, I’m brim
full of information and facts…I’m going to go on another adventure!”
She shouted in delight whilst stuffing her face with shortbread, “All
in all everything’s turned out quite well.” Just then one
of her arms unexpectedly fell off. Contents of this website all rights reserved © Phil McGarty 2008 | |||