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The Adventures of Lynne Douglas

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Journey to the Centre of the Earth | Plight of the Mousemat | Tarot of Death

Downward Spiral of Lynne Douglas | Redemption of the Death Squad | Beyond the Sunderdome

Plight of the Mouse-mat

Lynne sat there aghast amongst the clean picked bones of Mr Giblin and then threw the final finger bone to join the rest in a heap on the floor, thus completing her grizzly task. Then she started to think and this was indeed a dangerous path to go down, a tenuous corridor that had consumed the sanity of millions of people throughout history. She pondered to herself why it was exactly that she’d eaten Mr Giblin alive, did this mean that she had not only consumed Mr Giblin but in doing so had she also eaten his soul? Did Lynne now have the very essence of Mr Giblin’s being? She had once read about a pirate called Cedric Pybone in her Bunty Annual 1945 who was partial to a little cannibalism (but only on full moons) and he believed that when he ate these people he became them and took not only their name, but their jobs and sometimes even their LP collections. He had taken on the personas of doctors, lawyers, firemen and amongst other things a horse jockey.

Lynne’s concentration was suddenly broken by a multitude of trilobites making their way towards her, scuttling around the glowing molten core and all of them were chomping at the bit. She dashed away from them towards her sub atomic drilling machine, stopping only to apply more factor 30 sun cream to repel the melting properties of the earth’s centre. ‘So that’s what happened to those stalwarts of the dinosaur age’, she thought, ‘only those hard shelled devils would have emigrated to the centre of the earth to drink it’s molten core’. Lynne slammed shut the metal hatch door of the Borer3000 just as one the trilobites was about to nibble her leg.
“Phew!” She exclaimed, “That certainly was close, now where should I go on an adventure to now? Perhaps I should pursue this Holy Grail that Mr Giblin told me about on his one-way trip to the centre of the earth.

So Lynne set about her search for the Holy Grail; she searched day and night for many months across four continents and seven seas. Then one day she found it and it wasn’t as good as she had imagined so she left it where she had found it and went off to a wooded glade for the weekend.

It was dark by the time she reached the wooded glade so she treaded carefully and what a good job that was because someone or something was watching her very closely from a nearby tree. The next day Lynne awoke to see a giant crow looming over her.
“I am Master Crow, scourge of the sky, sucker of souls and enemy of mirrors.”
Gathering her words together in a stuttering sack Lynne gasped, “But I thought that you had been defeated many moons ago in Leeds at tea-time.”
“You may very well have heard this but it is nought but a tale, for even teatime itself is but a myth and as you can see I am still very much alive to suck souls with my magic straw whilst wearing my top hat. I have been watching you for a long time now Lynne, I’ve had my henchman the Mean Fiddler following you ever since you left the clutches of Niles from Ash Residential when you skilfully avoided his puzzling word traps. I know all about your journey to the centre of the earth and now I am going to consume not only your soul but also the soul of Mr Giblin who you have eaten”, he remarked as he pulled out his stripy magical straw.
“Why you complete villain Master Crow, this is possibly the worst day of my life, even worse than when I thought I had been bought a mouse-mat with a calculator embedded in it, but it turned out that it was for Phil in the office at work. I was so very jealous of that mouse-mat”, said Lynne angrily.
Master Crow put the straw to his beak and chucked, “Now I shall suck your soul and increase my size by 2%, as is the going rate for the consumption of human souls. If you were a whale then my size would increase by 5% but I cannot track whales because they seek refuge in the sea and I am fatally allergic to the sea and natural water features which is why I live in a tree. I dream of the day when a whale runs aground.”
Master Crow’s super soul sucking straw was almost upon Lynne’s head, the final curtain was near and her dictionary of clichés had almost been used up, but then she remembered that she had a pocket mirror in her pocket mirror pocket. She thrust the mirror into Master Crows face.
“CAWWW”, shrieked the devilish bird, “My arch nemesis the mirror.”
He stumbled away from the mighty mirror, flapped his wings and took to the air shouting behind him, “Curse you and your mirror Douglas you may have won this time but I’ll be back and one day you won’t have a mirror.”
Unfortunately whilst shouting these threats at Lynne he didn’t see the low flying aircraft and he got sucked into the engine propeller and was instantly chopped into bits.
Lynne picked herself up of the floor and then put herself down again by a crooked tree and said, “Hmm, this day has started off quite interesting, I wonder what I should do now?” And she walked off into the sunset underneath the falling confetti-like fluttering remnants of Master Crow.

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