Journey
to the Centre of the Earth
Walking cautiously on the wild side of a greasy blind was where the adventure
first began, for it was this greasy vertical blind drape that Lynne Douglas
did slip on and fall into that most conspicuous of crosswords.
“Aha!” Said Niles of Ash Residential Lettings.
“I have you now Douglas, I’ve been planning this particular
trap every day for the past week and a half and it certainly has paid
off.”
Pacing the grid of the crossword whilst carefully avoiding ‘4 down’,
Lynne bashed her fist and shouted, “Why Niles you dastardly villain,
curse your very being and that particularly greasy drape that I had the
misfortune to slip on. Now let me go from this crossword so I can eat
my shortbread and continue on my mission to the centre of the Earth.”
With careful consideration and some serious chin stroking Niles exclaimed
“I’m a fair man Lynne, if you can answer my brain teasing
conundrum then you shall be freed from my crossword puzzle first printed
in the ‘The Bumper Deluxe Puzzle Book 1986’.
“Very well Niles, do your best.”
“Here is my mighty mystery from ‘Word Puzzles for the Eccentric
and Lettings Agents 2004’ page 347:
‘If spoken aloud when not spoken at all then what will be the end
result of a passing semi detatched house valued at roughly 265k –
370k?’”
With a cautious smirk Lynne stood forward, “The answer my dear
Niles is simply ‘Chopstick’.”
Aghast Niles wretched in horror and squirmed, like an electric alarm clock
featuring as Bully’s special prize on Bullseye.
“I…I don’t understand, how could you know the answer?”
“Well Niles that would be telling. So I will tell you, as I am renowned
for telling things. I received a complimentary coy carp and a copy of
‘Word Puzzles for the Eccentric and Lettings Agents 2004’
when I set up a standing order subscription for the Readers Digest back
in 2004. At first I scoffed at the mere thought of such a book and promptly
filed it under ‘B’ for ‘Bin’ until a chance encounter
with an oilrig worker made me think twice. But it wasn’t until I
thought thrice about it that I actually began to look at the book and
uncovered its many secrets. Before long I was the world’s leading
authority on that book and was awarded the Victoria Cross. So, Niles that
was how I knew the answer, now free me from this crossword.”
Niles accepted that he had bitten of more than he could chew and did
as he was told, releasing Lynne and as a special reward he opened up a
riddle and pulled out a small glove-like man.
“This is Mr Giblin I shall release him from my lateral thinking
word puzzle and he can serve you as a slave.”
The wily lettings agent handed over Mr Giblin and Lynne said, “Sorry
Niles but I don’t believe in slavery”, she stopped for a second
to ponder and then continued, “No, thinking about it slavery is
the cornerstone of how I run my workhouse in Heywood, it is most definitely
something I believe in. Come Mr Giblin we have work to do!”
After a quick stop on the curry mile for a chicken tikka and some shortbread
Lynne and her new found acquaintance Mr Giblin continued on their mission
to the centre of the Earth. As they plunged to new depths in their sub-atomic
drilling machine, passing boundaries that even time itself could not measure
Mr Giblin revealed his terrible story of Fate vs. Convention.
It seemed that the sixpence of a man had only gone into Ash Residential
to get change for the bus in 1972 when Niles cornered him with a Wordsearch
Matrix and had forced him to answer increasingly difficult word and number
puzzles based on the lyrics to songs by The Beatles.
“Well, I had no chance when it got to ‘The White Album’”,
confessed Giblin, “Even the Beatles didn’t know what it was
all about by then!”
Their journey was long and short, but they made it, oh yes they made
it to the centre of the earth, where no human had ever set foot before.
Stirring on the edge of the giant crater that housed the giant spherical
molten core of the planet Lynne advanced forward and prepared for the
final stage of her mission. She un-housed her cut-rate foreign smuggled
cigarette from its shinny cardboard box and held it against the molten
mass before her. Having done this she took a drag of the cig, disappointedly
said, “Hmm, its not all I’d hoped for”, and then ate
Mr Giblin.
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© Phil McGarty 2008
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