Wednesday, March 31, 2004
anyone who thinks they've had a more complex year than me. so much has changed
and so much has happened this year, that im not even sure who i am anymore.
lets start with this last summer, before my junior year in high school.
i was sitting with my friend, joe, in his bedroom during another one of his 'family parties' as he told me about this girl that was coming over that he was gonna hook up with. after i met her, he started making out with her, which was weird for me at the time because honestly, i had never kissed anyone before. but after all of us sat and talked awhile, i caught her looking at me a few times. i didnt think anything of it because i wasnt used to people liking me because i never really knew how to dress, i had just started working out for the first time in my life, and i had never gone out with anyone. basically, i was a social disaster. anyways the next day, karen(thats her name) called me on 3-way with joe on the line. after awhile, joe hung up and me and her started talking. then we started talking like every day, and every night until about 3am. THEN WE HAD FONE SEX LOL!! anyways me, joe, and my family went to newport beach later in the summer, and i was going to see karen there. that was fun, and probably the best summer of my life.
once the school year started, i had gained a bit of knowledge about style from joe, so i was dressing OK. me and karen were still going out, but it was a rocky relationship since she lived 40 miles away. but i fell in love with her.. deeply. every time i was with her was like true bliss to me. it wasnt until thanksgiving, 2003 that i told her my 'little secret'. "im bisexual". i only told her because she was also bi-curious, so i had a feeling she'd be comfortable with it. and i guess i just had an urge to come out that night because i also called up joe and told him, as well. that weekend, i saw karen at another one of joe's 'family parties' and we had a lot of fun lol. but a few days later, i made a huge mistake and broke up with her. i still dont know why i did it.. because i really loved her. but she wouldnt take me back after that...
months went by as i was in heartbreak. i couldnt stop thinking about her. every second i was awake was agony. so i started meeting more people at school, just trying to flush out any thought of her whatsoever. i went to my first real high-school, unsupervised party in January. karen went to her first around that time, too. she called me one day.. and told me that she tried smoking crack.. and she passed out and someone touched her.... she was crying.. this made me go crazy, but i kept trying to get her out of my head. i started partying every night. i hooked up with different girls every weekend, and i was talking to guys online to 'further explore my sexuality'. one day, i met this guy online, named noel. he was really cool and he was smart too, so we got along pretty well. then one day, he came over.. and we tried things together. that was the day i officially became "bisexual". we were going out for awhile, but i think our relationship is pretty much gone since we havent talked in quite awhile. also during this time, i met a girl named janet at a party. she said she was a senior, so to fit in, i said i was too. i kissed her a few times, and then we exchanged numbers and she left. i just thought she would become a casual party-hookup, but apparently that was her first party.. AND I WAS HER FIRST KISS. so she became all attached to me, asked me to prom, i said yes, and now we talk off and on, but we're not really clicking.
at the beginning of this school year, i met my friend allen in my math class. we hung out a lot so i went and hung out over his house one day, and met his sister, amanda. well, just recently, me and amanda have started talking and im beginning to wonder if there's chemistry between us. but im not sure if im entirely over karen(who thinks im literally insane now), and im not sure if im ready to give up partying, but theres something about this girl that i like...
Saturday, April 3, 2004
my advice to the youth of our nation: PARTIES ARE BAD!!! me and my friend threw
a party at his house last night because his parents were gone for a few days
in san diego. we had probably handed out about 200 invitations throughout our
anyways for most of the party, everything was cool. we had a DJ, a keg, and a big nice house to party in. people were just hanging out and having a good time. but as i walked through the house, i noticed that people were playing with the swords they took off the fireplace, and like 3 people had tazers. but that was just a foreshadow for what we all had coming...
at around 12:30, i was in the garage and i heard people fighting outside buti didnt think much of it because parties are bound to have fights. then i guess some other white guy named james was inside fighting 3 black guys at once. he had already knocked one of them out with a beer bottle, and the other guy got tackled by one of james' friends. the last guy kept fighting so james got a bottle of vodka, smashed it over his head, and stabbed him in the neck twice with it. blood was spraying everywhere. then corey, one of the guys supervising the party, brought out a shotgun. everyone started throwing bottles all over the house, which created a total mess. there was glass stuck in the walls and by the end of the night everything was a complete disaster... lesson learned: parties are bad. serious shit.. lol
Sunday, April 4, 2004
life is great! everything is messed up but i still love it haha! yeah id like to meet some new people. cuz people are cool. it seems like the more people i meet, the less drama i have in life. i think its because im able to compare my drama to the drama of my friends, and i realize that i actually have a pretty good life :) . im going to be the type of person who doesnt take things for granted. that is one of the larger mistakes that a man can make. there are too few beautiful things in this world to let any pass by. and one thing that ive learned about people is that if you fall in love with them, they respect you less. cuz they feel like "oh, i already won! ha! sucker!". i think thats why im afraid to say "i love you" to anyone, even if its true. cuz its like the more you love them, the less theyre going to love you. thats why i believe the quote: "love is like a butterfly. if you hold it too loosely, it may fly away. but if you hold it too tightly, you could crush it...". thats one of my favorite quotes because ive experienced both of those options. and before i heard this quote from one of my friends, i really had no clear definition of what love is: "true love is when you can give someone the power to destroy you, but trust that they won't". when you feel that for someone youre in love. like when you're ready to give them EVERYTHING you have. your heart, your soul, your mind, your body... everything. then that is true love. it took me a long time to figure that out. i just wish i would have gained this wisdom a long time ago. i think everyone needs to know what love is before they claim it. ive also noticed that most people who we believe 'dont understand' love are the ones that understand it best. one of my best friends seems like the kind of guy who has never become emotionally close with anyone. he's the type of person that you hardly ever see express any deep emotion, but he was telling me about how he was with a girl that he really cared for, and he caught her cheating on him. thats where the term 'broken heart' comes from. its not just a physical feeling that makes you sick to ur stomach-- its what happens to a person after they lose trust in love cuz they feel like theyll never love again. its a really crappy feeling.. cuz then you start to blame the person that did it to you, then you start to blame the whole human race. thats how someone becomes a 'player'. its like getting even with the world that did so much damage to his/her heart. i dunno.. i guess im just thinking random thoughts today. trying to analyze love is pointless and you just have to feel it for yourself to understand it. today is a quiet day. im kinda enjoying it though :)
Tuesday, April 6, 2004
was really relaxed. its been one of those days where i feel like "man,
im wasting my life". i woke up at 3pm today, and its been a good day for
thought. i havent really done any thinking tho. yeah ive been getting some positive
feedback from this whole page by people from mogenic. its pretty cool. i had
no idea my messed-up life was so interesting lol. well im going to the beach
tomorrow. its going to be 5 guys and 3 girls that are going, so i have a really
fun/funny game planned as kinda a joke on the guys. im thinking about telling
one of the girls that im bi since all of the girls are, and then playing a game
like in "american pie 2" where the guys have to do whatever they wanted
the girls to do. all my guy friends are str8 as far as i know so its going to
be hilarious to see them doing all this stuff.
yeah well, i talked to karen today. its amazing how the people who are normally so cool can become total assholes/bitches when you get on their bad side. its like heaven or hell. "if you make me happy, i give you heaven! if you piss me off-- ...well, just DONT piss me off...". karen is one of those girls where its cute to see her get mad but when shes really pissed at you, she just gets really mean. like when i broke up with her, she took every chance she got to break my heart. like one day she'd be like "i love you! take me back!". then id be like "uhh okay". but the next day she would say "me and jake went to knott's yesterday.. and it was the best day of my life. i love him so much". and ill be sitting there like wtf... lol.
haha it sux so much!!! but thats my life i guess. every story has to have its characters, so shes a part of it. im just wondering when the climax of my story is going to be. it makes me wonder if i've already seen the worst part of life. and if not, if ill be able to survive what i have coming.
im starting to feel really bad. last year my friend joe was helping me take my first baby steps into maturity, and now i feel like he's the one looking up to me. i think i used to be his inspiration because i was a student to him, but now that he's taught me all he can, im passing him up. i want to be able to repay him for everything hes done for me because hes been the best friend anyone could ever have. hes like the brother that i never had. and i never knew it, but he was what i needed all my life. joe and karen were like my tour guides into maturity. joe taught me about the good things and karen showed me all the bullshit and drama. but you need them both to grow up, so im thankful to the both of them. im paying joe back by being as best of a friend as i know how to be and im repaying karen by treating her like shit lol. no not really haha. shes actually the gift that keeps on giving cuz she never stopped treating me like shit ;) .
ive spent the last few months of my life observing people and finding role models. its amazing how much you can learn by watching people that you admire and just trying to pick up the things that you respect about them. instead of trying to fake a smile everyday its better to try and find out why youre NOT smiling. im still working on that..
THATS WHERE I AM NOW!
-i got older
-tried new things
-started dressing better/became "HOT"
-became more popular haha
-met new people
-gained quite a few friends
-got more experience sexually/emotionally
-discovered that i have poetic talent
-obtained a more broad social perspective
-got my heart broken :(
-got high and drunk a few times
-hurt some people, emotionally
-lost some friends...
-lost some sanity.. :P
-got some peeps drunk/high and corrupted them lol
-got quite a few enemies
-waved goodbye to my childhood :(