Linda's Page 4
AT YOUR OWN RISK
This is Just another fun page...Enjoy
Have a few laughs...
I've seen two shows lately that went on and on about
how mid-life is a great time for women.
Just last week Oprah had a whole show on
how great menopause will be....
Puhleeeeeeeze!
I've had a few thoughts of my own
and would like to share them with you.
Whether you are pushing 40, 50, 60
(or maybe even just pushing your luck) you'll probably relate.
Mid-life is when the growth of hair on our legs slows down.
This gives us plenty of time
to care for our newly acquired mustache.
In mid-life women no longer have upper arms,
we have wingspans.
We are no longer women in sleeveless shirts,
we are flying squirrels in drag.
Mid-life is when you can
stand naked in front of a mirror
and you can see your rear without turning around.
Mid-life is when you go for a mammogram
and you realize that this is the only time
someone will ask you to appear topless.
Mid-life is when you want to grab
every firm young lovely in a tube top and scream,
"Listen honey, even the Roman empire fell
and those will too."
Mid-life brings wisdom to know
that life throws us curves and
we're sitting on our biggest ones. 
Mid-life is when you look at your-know-it-all,
beeper-wearing teenager and think:
"For this I have stretch marks?" 
In mid-life your memory starts to go.
In fact the only thing we can retain is water.
Mid-life means that your Body By Jake
now includes Legs By Rand McNally --
more red and blue lines
than an accurately scaled map of Wisconsin.
Mid-life means that you become more reflective...
You start pondering the "big" questions.
What is life? Why am I here?
How much Healthy Choice ice cream can I eat
before it's no longer a healthy choice?
But mid-life also brings with it
an appreciation for what is important.
We realize that breasts sag, hips expand and chins double,
but our loved ones make the journey worthwhile.
Would any of you trade the knowledge that you have now
for the body you had way back when?
Maybe our bodies simply have to expand
to hold all the wisdom and love we've acquired.
That's my philosophy and I'm sticking to it!
THIS IS HOW THE MALE BRAIN WORKS 24 HOURS A DAY.
Women Drivers
A cop pulls an old lady over for going 22 miles per hour on
the freeway. The lady says to the cop "but the speed limit
said 22" The cop explains to her "that is the highway number"
He then looks in the backseat to see two shaken old ladies
and asks what is the matter with them two ladies?
The lady tells him they just got off highway 109.CellphoneA young man wanted to get his beautiful "blonde" wife
something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he
decides to buy her a cellphone.
She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and
explains to her all the features on the phone. The next day
the blonde goes shopping.
Her phone rings and it's her husband, "Hi hun,"he says "how
do you like your new phone?"
She replies: "I just love it, it's so small and your voice is as
clear as a bell! But there's one thing I don't understand
though."
"What's that, baby?" asks the husband.
"How did you know I was at Wal-Mart?"
A RED NECKS VIEW OF A FAMILY TREE
Many, many years ago
When I was twenty-three,
I got married to a widow
Who was pretty as could be.
This widow had a daughter
Who had hair of red
My father fell in love with her,
And soon the two were wed.
This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father's wife.
To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.
My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.
For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow's grown-up daughter
Who, of course was my step-mother.
Father's wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter's son.
My wife is now my mother's mom.
And it surely makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She is my grandma too.
If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.
For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa! I HOPE YOU ARE ENJOYING YOUR SELF SO FAR.. BUT..LOOK..THERE IS STILL MORE TO COME.
STUFFED BAKED CHICKEN
6-7 lb. chicken
1 cup melted butter
1 cup stuffing
1 cup uncooked popcorn salt/pepper to taste.
Preheat oven to 350 degrees. Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt and pepper. Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn.
Place in baking pan in the oven. Listen for popping sounds. When the chicken's ass blows out the oven door and flies across the room, the chicken is done.......... And you thought I couldn't cook...Old TIMERS
Three old men are talking about their aches, pains and bodily functions.
One 70-year-old says, 'I have this problem. I wake up every morning at seven and it takes me 20 minutes to pee.'
An 80-year-old says, 'My case is worse. I get up at eight and I sit there and grunt and groan for half an hour before I finally have a bowel movement.'
The 90-year-old says, 'At seven I pee like a horse. At eight I crap like a cow'
'So what's your problem?' asked the others.
'I don't wake up until nine.'
Hillbilly Medical Terms
Benign..........What you be after you be eight.
Bacteria...............Back door to cafeteria.
Barium.................What you do with dead folk.
Cesarean Section.......A neighborhood in Rome.
Catscan................Searching for the cat.
Cauterize..............Made eye contact with her.
Colic..................A sheep dog.
Coma...................A punctuation mark.
D&C....................Where Washington is.
Dilate.................To live longer than your kids do.
Enema................Not a friend.
Fester...............Quicker than someone else.
Fibula...............A small lie.
G.I.Series...........World Series of military baseball.
Hangnail.............What you hang your coat on.
Hospital.............The biggest building in town, other
than Joe's feed warehouse or Franks lumber mill.
Impotent.............Distinguished, well known.
Labor Pain...........Getting hurt at work.
Morbid...............A higher offer than I bid.
Nitrates.............Cheaper than day rates.
Medical Staff........A Doctor's cane, sometimes
shown with a snake.
Node...................I knew it.
Outpatient.............A person who has fainted.
Pap Smear.............A fatherhood test.
Pelvis................Second cousin to Elvis.
Post Operative........A letter carrier.
Recovery Room......Place to do upholstery.
Secretion.................Hiding something
Tablet.............A small table to change babies on.
Seizure............Roman emperor who lived in
the Ceasarean Section.
Terminal Illness.........Getting sick at the train station.
Tumor....................More than one.
Urine.....................Opposite of mine.
Varicose..................Near byNewly Issued Alcohol Warnings
The Toronto Board of Health has proposed that warning signs be placed on all alcohol bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible peril of drinking a pint or two of any alcoholic beverage.
1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with a breath that could knock a buzzard off a wreaking dead animal that is one hundred yards away.
2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to assault you
4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.
5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think of him.
6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.
7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho Bob.
Twin A man stumbles up to the only other patron in a bar and asks if he could buy him a drink. "Why of course," comes the reply.
The first man then asks: "Where are you from?"
"I'm from Ireland," replies the second man.
The first man responds: "You don't say, I'm from Ireland too! Let's have another round to Ireland."
"Of course," replies the second man.
I'm curious, the first man then asks: "Where in Ireland are you from?"
"Dublin," comes the reply.
"I can't believe it," says the first man. "I'm from Dublin too! Let's have another drink to Dublin."
"Of course," replies the second man.
Curiosity again strikes and the first man asks: "What school did you go to?"
"Saint Mary's," replies the second man, "I graduated in '62."
"This is unbelievable!", the first man says. "I went to Saint Mary's and I graduated in '62, too!"
About that time in comes one of the regulars and sits down at the bar. "What's been going on?" he asks the bartender.
"Nothing much," replies the bartender. "The O'Kinly twins are drunk again."
"lightbulb"A doctor of psychology was doing his normal morning rounds when he entered a patient's room. He found Patient #1 sitting on the floor, pretending to saw a piece of wood in half.
Patient #2 was hanging from the ceiling, by his feet.
The doctor asked patient number 1 what he was doing. The patient replied, "Can't you see I'm sawing this piece of wood in half?" The doctor inquired of Patient #1 what Patient #2 was doing. Patient #1 replied, "Oh. He's my friend, but he's a little crazy. He thinks he's a lightbulb." The doctor looks up and notices Patient #2's face is going all red.
The doctor asks Patient #1, "If he's your friend, you should get him down from there before he hurts himself"
Patient #1 replies, "What? And work in the dark?"...WELL LOOK AT THIS I FOUND YOUR BABY PICTURE..AND THEY SAID I WAS CUTE!!!!
My girlfriend is in the carA man had been drinking at the bar for hours when he mentioned something about his girlfriend being out in the car. The bartender, concerned because it was so cold, went to check on her. When he looked inside the car, he saw the man's friend, Dave, and his girlfriend kissing one another. The bartender shook his head and walked back inside.
He told the drunk that he thought it might be a good idea to check on his girlfriend. The fellow staggered outside to the car, saw his buddy and his girlfriend kissing, then walked back into the bar laughing.
"What's so funny?" the bartender asked.
"That stupid Dave!" the fellow chortled, "He's so drunk, he thinks he's me!"
This tells me that I must be drunk
A man walks into a bar and orders one shot. Then he looks into his shirt pocket and orders another shot. After he finishes, he looks into his shirt pocket again and orders another shot. The bartender is curious and askes him "every time you order a shot, you look in your shirt pocket. Why?" The man replies, "I have a picture of my wife in my pocket and when she starts to look good, I go home."
EVE'S GARDEN
