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a. The North has sun-dried too-mah-toes..... The South has 'mater samiches
b. The North has coffeehouses .....The South has Waffle Houses>
c. The North has Mom .....The South has Mama
d. The North has dating services .....The South has family reunions
e. The North has switchblade knives .....The South has Lee press-on nails
f. The North has saving the whales..... The South has getting saved
g. The North has double last names .....The South has double first names
h. The North has sensational tabloids..... The South has neighbors
i. The North has Ted Kennedy .....The South has Jesse Helms
j. The North has the Mafia..... The South has NASCAR

Dear Northerners Visiting Southern States If you are from the northern states and planning on visiting or moving to the South, there are a few things you should know that will help you adapt to the difference in lifestyles

 If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic. Four men in a four-wheel drive pickup truck with a 12 pack of beer and a tow chain will be along shortly. Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way. This is what they live for.
  Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store. Do not buy food at this store.
  Remember "ya'll" is singular, "All ya'll" is plural and "All ya'll's" is plural possessive. Get used to hearing "You ain't from around here, are ya?" Get ready to run when you hear it...
.  You may hear a Southerner say "Ought" to a dog or a child. This is short for "Y'all oughta not do that! and is the equivalent of saying "NO!" It is frequently punctuated by throwing a half-full can of warm beer or Coca-Cola.  *If a Southerner says "Ought!" to you, duck.
  Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying, they can't understand you either. The first Southern expression to creep into a transplanted Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big ol'" as in "big ol' truck" or "big ol' boy". Most Northerners begin their new Southern-influenced dialect this way. All of them are in denial about it. They think it's a big ol' lie.
  The proper pronunciation you learned in school is no longer proper. Be advised that "He needed killin" is a valid defense here. If you hear a Southerner exclaim "Hey, y'all, watch this," stay out of the way. These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.
If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store. It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not. You just have to go there.
   When you come up on a person driving 15 mph down the middle of the road, remember that most folks learned to drive on a John Deere and that this is the proper speed and position for that vehicle.
   Do not be surprised to find that 10-year-olds own their own shotguns and are proficient marksmen. Or that their mommas taught them how to shoot. Don't be surprised if you discover these facts after honking at the Southerner who's driving 15 mph down the middle of the road.
      In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush, green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.
    If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners. After all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits. Lastly, if you do settle in the South, don't think that any amount of time will help you better understand Southern statements like the one above. In matters of Southern metaphor and analogy, if the last eight generations of your family weren't born & raised south of the Mason-Dixon, you might as well be  a polecat in a bucket of grits.


1.) Only a true Southerner knows the difference between a "hissie fit" and a "conniption", and that you don't "HAVE" them, -- you "PITCH" them.

2.) Only a true Southerner knows how many fish, collard greens, turnip greens,peas, beans, etc. make up "a mess."

3.) Only a true Southerner can show or point out to you the general direction of "yonder."

4.) Only a true Southerner knows exactly how long "directly" is - as in: "Going to town, be back directly."

5.) All true Southerners, even babies, know that "Gimme some sugar" is not a request for the white, granular sweet substance that sits in a pretty little bowl on the middle of the table.

6.) All true Southerners know exactly when "by and by" is. They might not use the term, but they know the concept well.

7.) Only a true Southerner knows instinctively that the best gesture of solace for a neighbor who's got trouble is a plate of hot fried chicken and a big bowl of cold potato salad. (If the neighbor's trouble is a real crisis, they also know to add a large banana puddin'!)

8.) Only true Southerners grow up knowing the difference between "right near" and "a right far piece." They also know that "just down the road" can be 1 mile or 20.

9.) Only a true Southerner both knows and understands the difference between a redneck, a good ol' boy, and po' white trash.

10.) No true Southerner would ever assume that the car with the flashing turn signal is actually going to make a turn.

11.) A true Southerner knows that "fixin'" can be used as a noun, a verb, or an adverb.

12.) Only a true Southerner knows that the term "booger" can be a resident of the nose, a descriptive, as in "that ol' booger," a first name or something that jumps out at you in the dark and scares you senseless.

13.) Only true Southerners make friends while standing in lines. We don't do "queues", we do "lines," and when we're "in line," we talk to everybody!

14.) Put 100 true Southerners in a room and half of them will discover they're related, even if only by marriage.

15.) True Southerners never refer to one person as "y'all."

16.) True Southerners know grits come from corn and how to eat them.

17.) Every true Southerner knows tomatoes with eggs, bacon, grits, and coffee are perfectly wonderful; that redeye gravy is also a breakfast food; and that fried green tomatoes are not a breakfast food.

18.) When you hear someone say, "Well, I caught myself lookin' .. , " you know you are in the presence of a genuine Southerner!

19.) Only true Southerners say "sweet tea" and "sweet milk." Sweet tea indicates the need for sugar and lots of it - we do not like our tea unsweetened. "Sweet milk" means you don't want buttermilk.

20.) And a true Southerner knows you don't scream obscenities at little old ladies who drive 30 MPH on the freeway. You just say, "Bless her heart" and go your own way

The 40 things you would NEVER hear a Southerner say, no matter how much they've had to drink, no matter how far from the South they've wandered and no matter how much the skunks are threatening...
40. Oh I just couldn't, hell, she's only sixteen.
39. I'll take Shakespeare for 1000, Alex.
38. Duct tape won't fix that.
37. Honey, I think we should sell the pickup and buy a family sedan.
36. Come to think of it, I'll have a Heineken.
35. We don't keep firearms in this house.
34. Has anybody seen the sideburns trimmer?
33. You can't feed that to the dog.
32. I thought Graceland was tacky.  
31. No kids in the back of the pickup, it's just not safe.  
30. Wrestling's fake.
29. Honey, did you mail that donation to Greenpeace?
28. We're vegetarians
27. Do you think my gut is too big?
26. I'll have grapefruit and grapes instead of biscuits and gravy.                  
25. Honey, we don't need another dog.  
24. Who gives a crap who won the Civil War?
23. Give me the small bag of pork rinds.
22. Too many deer heads detract from the decor.
21. Spittin is such a nasty habit.
20. I just couldn't find a thing at Walmart today.
19. Trim the fat off that steak.  
18. Cappuccino tastes better than espresso.  
17. The tires on that truck are too big.  
16. I'll have the arugula and radicchio salad.  
15. I've got it all on the C drive.  
14. Unsweetened tea tastes better.  
13. Would you like your fish poached or broiled?  
12. My fiancee, Bobbie Jo, is registered at Tiffany's.  
11. I've got two cases of Zima for the Super Bowl.  
10. Little Debbie snack cakes have too many fat grams.
9. Checkmate.
8. She's too young to be wearing a bikini.  
7. Does the salad bar have bean sprouts?  
6. Hey, here's an episode of "Hee Haw" that we haven't seen.  
5. I don't have a favorite college team.
4. Be sure to bring my salad dressing on the side.  
3. You All.
2. Those shorts ought to be a little longer, Darla.   
1. Nope, no more for me. I'm drivin tonight.

Things I've learned about Alabama

Possums sleep in the middle of the road with their feet in the air.

There are 5,000 types of snakes and 4,998 live in Alabama.

There are 10,000 types of spiders. All 10,000 live in Alabama, plus a couple no one's seen before.

Squirrels will eat anything.

Unknown critters love to dig holes under tomato plants.

Raccoons will test your crop of melons and let you know when they are ripe.

If it grows, it sticks; if it crawls, it bites.

A tractor is NOT an all-terrain vehicle. They do get stuck.

Onced and Twiced are words.

It is not a shopping cart, it is a buggy.

Fire ants consider your flesh as a picnic.

People actually grow and eat okra.

Fixinto is one word.

There ain't no such thing as "lunch". There's only dinner and then there's supper.

Tea is appropriate for all meals and you start drinking it when you're 2.

Iced Sweet tea that is!!!

Backards and forwards means I know everything about you.

You don't have to wear a watch because it doesn't matter what time it is.

You work until you're done or it's too dark to see.

More about Alabamians..: You know you're from Alabama if:

1. You measure distance in minutes.

2. You've ever had to switch from "heat" to "A/C" in the same day.

3. Stores don't have bags; they have sacks.

4. You see a car running in the parking lot at the store with no one in it,

no matter what time of the year.

5. You use "fix" as a verb. Example: I am fixing to go to the store.

6. All the festivals across the state are named after a fruit, vegetable, grain, insect or animal

7. You install security lights on your house and garage and leave both unlocked.

8. You carry jumper cables in your car ... for your OWN car.

9. You know what "cow tipping" is.

10. You only own four spices: salt, pepper, chili powder, and catsup.

11. The local papers cover national and international news on one page but requires 6 pages for local gossip and sports.

12. You think that the first day of deer season is a national holiday.

13. You find 100 degrees Fahrenheit "a little warm."

14. You know all four seasons: Almost summer, summer, still summer, and Christmas.

15. You know whether another Alabamian is from east, west, or middle Alabama as soon as they open their mouth.

16. Going to Wal-Mart is a favorite past-time known as "goin to wal-marts or off to "Wally World."

17. You describe the first cool snap (below 70 degrees) as good chili weather.

18. A carbonated soft drink isn't a soda, cola, or pop... it's a Coke, regardless of brand or flavor. Example "What kinna coke you want?" "Mt Dew."

19. Fried Catfish is the other white meat.

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