1- Crack Found on Governor's Daughter (any special place it was found?)

2- Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says (duh..)

3- Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers (hmmm.. that ought to discourage them)

4- Iraqi Head Seeks Arms (sorry... this one and #5 are just stupidly funny...)

5- Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?

6- Prostitutes Appeal to Pope (apparently, even the pope is not above temptation..)

7- Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over (this is an image I just didn't need in my brain!)

8- Teacher Strikes Idle Kids (hey... they probably deserved it!)

9- Miners Refuse to Work after Death (oookay....)

10-Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant (again... that ought to discourage them)

11-War Dims Hope for Peace (another 'duh')

12- If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile (who thinks of gems like these, anyway??)

13- Cold Wave Linked to Temperature (ya think?)

14- Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide (now, there's a police force that really is on the ball)

15- Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges (hopefully, red DUCT tape!)

16- Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge (I don't even get this one)

17- New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group (and this one is just cruel)

18- Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft (hmmmmmm... no more broccoli in those space meals)

19- Kids Make Nutritious Snacks (is that like sushi?)

20- Chef Throws His Heart into Helping Feed Needy (oooh... gross...)

21- Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half (did the chef use these too?)

22- Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors (???)

23- And the winner is.... Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead! (and once again, duh..)