Sometimes when I need to straighten my thoughts and regroup – I need some down time. I think, I cry, I don’t think. And then sometimes, I write them down – just to make some sense of them. I had a severe “momma moment” this past 24 hours. My oldest son is stationed at Ft. Bragg NC with the 82nd Airborne. Now this, in itself, is something to be so very proud of. And I am proud, don’t get me wrong. When I saw the news piece on CNN that they did at Ft.Bragg........it’s so hard to describe what I felt when I saw that piece. My oldest son, who had been lost to me for almost 4 years (and who has since returned), is part of this group of men this newscaster was talking about. He was saying how the paratroopers and the special operations unit would be some of the first ones in and how they would be dropped into front lines. Dropped into front lines??? My reaction? Oh My God!! How could that be?? They can’t do that!!! My heart seemed to stop and time seemed to slow – The force with which it hit me drained me completely. Every ounce of energy to maintain was gone and behind it followed a great flood. My mind was full of scenarios, all blurred and coming so fast. These people are hiding in caves and rocks over there! They are going to be shooting these people out of the sky!! We can’t see them - please – can’t we settle this another way? Can’t we do this without having to send our children into battle? Please.....don’t send my sons into battle. Then came the tears. I was overwhelmed with grief. Grief for my sons, for myself, for my other children and my grandchildren. Grief for the other families in this country who were going through the same thing I am going through. Really, overwhelmed is an understatement. Engulfed, swallowed, and inhaled by an emotion that is so indescribable and so unspeakable that it does not even have a name. Others before me have felt this emotion and there is a multitude of people out there now that feels this emotion. I have watched people try to explain how it feels. It can’t be explained. So, I took a day of down time. I called God and just chatted for a while. It was a nice visit and I feel better now. He helped me regroup and although this is not going to be an easy task, He assures me He will be right there beside me, beside all of us as we deal with this. I believe him.
9-19-2001 |
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