Being Friendly Requires Nerve

     Most Americans regard open friendliness as the "natural" state of
affairs. Indeed, seemingly unfriendly people are often viewed with sus-
picion, and they are typically seen as being hostile. At best they are
avoided, and they are commonly labeled as "weird" or worse. This is
particularly true as far as males are concerned. Unfriendly women are
merely likely to be viewed as diffident and perhaps rightfully suspicious
vis-a-vis people whom they don't know. In contrast, unfriendly or seem-
ingly "weird" men tend to be viewed in a hostile fashion. And as a
consequence they are ignored or shunned.
     Important too is the very widespread tendency to equate behavior
with attitude. Simply put, if a person behaves in an unfriendly manner,
we tend to view his attitude as being unfriendly--even when it is any-
thing but unfriendly. People cannot react and respond to that which
they cannot see. Similarly, if a young man is never observed interacting
informally with women and if he is always seen alone, the natural tend-
ency is to perceive him as being a homosexual, or perhaps as a "closet
queen". And this is true irrespective of how thoroughly heterosexual in
predilections that person might indeed be.
     Of course, very few people are telepathic. And even those who
are may be turned off by the sensing of a strong feeling of negativity
and doleful sourness in a love-shy man's aura. The point that needs to
be stressed, however, is that for the love-shy attitudes and overt behav-
iors seldom coincide. The love-shy person cannot command his per-
formance in the direction of his wishes because he is not in the "driver's
seat" of his own life. A love-shy man may sustain very liberal, human-
itarian attitudes towards others. But due to the fact that he constantly
avoids informal social interaction he is likely to be perceived by others
as being anything but humanitarian, and anything but "warm and caring".
     Again, most Americans judge others by what they can see. Attitudes
and values cannot be directly observed. And in fact they remain entirely
hidden unless and until the person holding them opens up and shares
them with others. And even then he may not be believed if his observable
behavior continues on in a highly asocial, socially avoidant fashion--or
in a fashion that appears to contradict the substance of what he says.
Consider the cliched expression: "Your actions speak so loudly I cannot
hear a word you are saying!"
     Let's look at a few examples of these social avoidance tendencies.
I asked each respondent to react to this statement: "It requires a tre-
mendous amount of nerve to be friendly with people." And zero percent
(nobody) of the non-shys said that they agreed. In contrast, fully 52
percent of the younger love-shys and 76 percent of the older love-shys
indicated that they agreed with that statement.
     Focusing attention upon the opposite sex I asked for reactions to
this statement: "It requires a tremendous amount of nerve to be friendly
with the opposite sex." And here again, zero percent of the non-shy men
agreed. In contrast, fully 100 percent of the older love-shy men together
with 77 percent of the younger love-shys agreed.
     Even more illustrative of the love-shys' behavioral and psycho-
emotional thought style was the pattern of responses to this statement:
"I would sooner avoid someone I know on the street than risk acciden-
tally saying 'hello' to a stranger." Zero percent of the non-shy men endorsed
this statement. In contrast, fully 87 percent of the older loveoshys along
with 68 percent of the younger love-shys indicated that the statement
was true for themselves.