Social Supports
Most children enjoy a copious variety of social supports. The most
important of these eminate from the peer group and the parents. For
mostchildren these two systems provide a range of enjoyable distrac-
tions. Young children tend to want to keep their romantic infatuations
to themselves. But to the extent that they enjoy good relationships with
their social support systems, to that extent young children are likely to
share their preoccupations and worries. Once these preoccupations have
been discussed with peers or parents, solutions are likely to be gener-
ated. There is strength in numbers. And whereas prepubescent children
occasionally tease each other about romantic interests, "best friends" tend
to learn about each other's innermost wishes. And they tend to help
one another out.
Parents vary in their sophistication and sensitivity regarding het-
erosexual love matters. One self-confident non-shy respondent recounted
this story from his past:
"I remember I was in the sixth grade, and there was this girl
in the other sixth grade class whom I just adored. I didn't
have the nerve to say anything to her. But whenever the kids
were all out on the playground I used to stare at her whenever
I got the chance. I remember two of my friends sort of had
infatuations with some of the girls too. So they were under-
standing, but they weren't much help.
One day my mother insisted that I tell her why I was so bleery-
eyed all the time at the dinner table. She knew I wasn't
myself and she guessed that I was in love. And when she said
that, I had to say 'yes', and I blushed. For the next several
days she kept goading me into starting a conversation with her.
And my dad kept telling me that my life would be a lot easier
once I did. He told me that I was creating a problem for
myself. And that it would all be pretty much solved once I
talked to the girl, even if she rejected me.
Well, what eventually happened was that Vince, who was this
friend of mine, was having a birthday party. His mom and my
mom were always good friends. And my mom got Vince's mom to
invite this girl to his party. You know, when I first found
out about it I was outraged. Like I was really embarrassed.
But I have to admit that that is what solved my problem. I
got to meet the girl at the party and we had a long talk.
And from that time on I was never really shy anymore around
girls. I've felt hesitant for short periods. But except for
this time when I was in the sixth grade I never really
suffered any really painful shyness." (21-year old non-shy man.)
A key impediment to the effective prevention of love-shyness is
that some parents maintain certain rigid ideas about when it is "right"
for boys and girls to become interested in each other. Such parents
sincerely believe that the sixth grade is just "too damned early"--that
such children are just "too young" and that love-shyness at this age is
"good for children".
Even though this point of view is understandable, I believe that it
is a very socially deleterious perspective which must be countered through
concerted educational efforts. Shyness is NEVER "good". Shyness
obviates free choice and self-determination, and it stands squarely in
the way of responsible self-control and self-management. It is one thing
for a child to decide out of rational self-interest to avoid exclusive love
relationships for a certain portion of his/her life. It is entirely another
matter for a child to avoid love relationships as a result of shyness. The
first child is in control and in charge of his/her own life. The second child
is NOT in command of the ship that is his or her life. And that ship
stands a great risk of aimlessly drifting into some rocky shoreline a
derelict unless it is stalwartly and decisively directed at its helm. The
child is father to the man, and children who learn the shyness script do
not easily forget it. All too frequently their shyness learnings remain
intractably welded in their minds, and they go through life love-shy.
Simply put, SHYNESS IS NEVER HEALTHY--not at any age or
for either gender. Rational self-direction inspired by an internalized set
of rational self-controls and a deep-seated feeling of self-worth and self-
love is what a happy, productive life is all about. The parents in the
above case interview were very wise, sensitive and caring. They exer-
cised their rational ingenuity toward helping their son out of the self-
destructive doldrums which deep-seated love-shy infatuations represent
for people of ANY age.
Whenever a child (prepubescent or older) is in the throes of love-
shyness inspired preoccupation, the best thing that a caring parent, teacher
or peer can do is to tactfully and creatively engineer a way of according
that child an opportunity to meet and to enter into relaxed conversation
with the object of his infatuations. THE LONGER THE PERIOD OF
LOVELORN INFATUATION/LOVE-SHYNESS LASTS, THE GREATER
THE PROBABILITY THAT SEVERE LOVE-SHYNESS WILL BECOME
A PERMANENT SCRIPT AND LIFE-STYLE FOR THE BOY OR MAN.
Moreover, the earlier in life that deep-seated romantic infatuations com-
mence, the more important it is to help the love-shy male interact with
the object of his infatuation as a real live fellow human being.
Again, the more severely and intractably love-shy a person is, the
earlier in life he is likely to have begun suffering deep-seated love-shyness
rooted romantic infatuations. In essence, it is even more important to help
elementary school aged love-shy children than it is to help teenaged
love-shy children. Both need to be helped to meet and to interact with
the objects of their affections, and to relate to these opposite sexed
individuals as fellow human beings. But the research data collected for
this book strongly suggest that the preadolescent love-shy male is the one
who is the prime candidate for a lifetime of chronic love-shyness unless
he is helped. He must be stopped from learning the love-shyness script!
He is anything but "too young"! Love-shyness is the worst kind of poison
for him.
I would suggest that no child should ever have to suffer love-
shyness for more than three consecutive weeks at a time. Indeed, three
weeks might well be considered a good maximum because to the extent
that a boy or young man suffers love-shy preoccupation with the same
girl for more time than that, to that extent he is likely to be headed for
a lifetime of trouble and unhappiness. To the extent that highly dis-
tracting love-shyness is permitted to fester away in the minds of its
victims, to that extent eventual rational self-direction becomes less and
less likely.
The American education system needs to teach people how to
communicate with each other. People should not be afraid of people!
Each child is entitled to have cultivated within him enough self-confidence
and pride that the possibility of rejection by a girl does not daunt him
from taking constructive action on his own behalf.
