"Society's Goal"

     Therapists such as Rook and Peplau speak as though the goal of
finding a lover is actually not the love-shy man's goal at all, but merely
just society's goal which the love-shy man had just mindlessly internalized
through the ordinary processes of socialization. In essence, Rook and
Peplau are arguing that love-shy men simply mirror and reflect the
societal prescription that everyone ought to have an opposite-sexed lover.
     The problem with this reasoning is that most of the love-shys had
been extremely desirous of an opposite sexed lover ever since they had
been small children in kindergarten or the first grade. In other words,
these men had wanted the emotionally close and intimate companion-
ship of a girl friend at a time when this desire had been highly antithetical
to the mainstream American society's prescription as to what kinder-
garten and elementary school children ought to want. Society tells kin-
dergarten and elementary school children that they "ought to want" to
play in strictly sex-segregated peer groups. It also tells them that boys
"ought to want" to play at "rough and tumble" sports. In fact, society
even goes so far as to prescribe that elementary school boys "ought to"
hate age-mate girls.
     The love-shy men studied for this book had been quite refractory
and resistant to these as well as to scores of other societal prescriptions
as to how they "ought to" think, feel, behave, and want. The question
naturally arises as to why these love-shy men should now as adults all
of a sudden become desirous of following society's behavioral
prescriptions!
     In point of fact, they have not all of a sudden become so desirous!
The love-shys' strong need for the love of an opposite sexed companion
had been very much a part of their essence as human beings since their
earliest ages. This intractable urge for a lover had long been their most
deeply cherished goal. For love-shy men such a goal is obviously not a
mere reflection of society's prescription that everyone ought to be mated!