Normative Timetables of Self-Revelation

        In America as in all western societies there are unwritten rules
governing how early in a heterosexual love relationship each party may
reveal himself/herself to the other.  Early in a relationship a person (if
he/she is to ultimately be successful in winning the partner) must be
both willing and able to wear a mask, metaphorically speaking--to play
act, and to assiduously try to "be" something other than what he/she
truly is. Both partners will try to impress the other. The man will try to
present himself vis-a-vis his girl as a masculine "he-man" who is a
"regular guy", into sports, athletics, body-building, and the other
endeavors which inside America accompany the prototypical masculine
stereotype. The girl partner will similarly try to present herself as a
prototypical female with all the "normal" attributes of the "ideal" female
stereotype.
      It requires quite a bit of "work" and effort in order to be able to do
this. Moreover, since it involves play acting (of a sort towards which
the participants are scarcely even aware), it is less than honest. The person
is not presenting his/her real self vis-a-vis the partner. The norms prevent
this completely honest and open presentation of self until the relation-
ship has reached a certain point of maturity. Among college/university
aged young people, it usually requires around six months of "steady
dating" of the love-partner before this point is reached. Among high
school students more than a year would be required; among junior high
schoolers the amount of time required could well be over two years.
Divorcees in their thirties have an advantage here inasmuch as these
very strong and demanding (unwritten rules/norms) permit older daters
to "remove their masks" and to present their real selves vis-a-vis each
other as early as the second, third, or fourth date.
      Now, love-shy men are extremely romantic and sentimental. This
sort of play-acting (which is absolutely required by our courtship system)
represents an abomination to them. They want to find someone who
will accept and love them as they are. And when they spot someone with
the appropriate (and much desired) long hair and pretty face, they strongly
desire to intimate their very strong interest in marriage vis-a-vis that
person as early in the relationship as possible. In short, they don't want
to beat around the bush. Dating and courtship for love-shy men hold
no special allure. Most love-shy men would love to completely bypass
the "game" of dating and courtship, and get right into a permanent,
binding relationship with their romantic image of the girl with the "long
hair and pretty face".
      Needless to say, such outright candor early in a relationship enor-
mously scares and frightens away most women--particularly the attrac-
tive ones who are likely to be very much used to the "game" of dating.
The love-shy man is thus viewed as "weird" for verbalizing himself and
his true desires and fantasies too early in a relationship. (And usually
he does this through letter-writing rather than through talk. Again,
letter-writing is far easier for the love-shy man to handle. But this too
is likely to be regarded by the woman as "weird"--especially if she is
but a local telephone call away from the love-shy man.)
      Further, love-shys usually renounce aspects of the masculine sex-
role stereotype. Love-shy men hate football, baseball, basketball, weight-
lifting, beer-drinking, swearing and carousing with same-sexed assoct-
ates, etc. They are far more likely to be interested in "settling down",
and in the sorts of things women are likely to be interested in. Again,
such honest and open self-revelation frightens women away when it
occurs early on in a relationship. Moreover, expressed disinterest in and
hostility towards prototypically "masculine" sex-role stereotypical activ-
ities and interests is also quite likely to be regarded by an attractive
young woman as "weird" and strange. A less-than-attractive woman
might be charmed by this approach--because she too hasn't got many
same-sexed friends and thus similarly lacks a full awareness of what the
rules of the dating "game" are. But as I have documented in chapter 12,
love-shy men (because they are deeply and unshakably romantic) are
extremely visual; they do not permit themselves to become involved in
conversations with women who are less than very attractive and who
do not possess the "long hair and pretty face".
      Of course, awareness of the dating game rules and acceptance of same
 are two entirely different things. Many love-shys are aware of the rules,
 but their unadulterated romanticism disallows them from accepting such
 rules and acting upon them. Again, love-shy men value complete hon-
 esty. They want to remove the play-acting "mask" immediately, as soon
 as they find themselves engaged in a conversation with a pretty girl.
 They crave and aspire to immediate acceptance and love as they are--no
 false "fronts" presented.