Cardinals Making Trade



Written by Micheal Lios, of the Star Ledger

[Newton] Jeffrey Manix, owner of the Single A minor league baseball team at Skylands did not deny rumors of trading hot vendor Twitchy McKennedy.

"I'm not gonna say nothing. We got a good team going here and it looks like a great season." Manix was very confident.

Trade rumors started in mid-March. Twitchy McKennedy may have been traded from the Single A New Jersey Cardinals to the Major League Texas Rangers for Arod and Irod.

Joshua Black, full owner of Texas Rangers since George W. Bush gave up his share, said, "I'd pull the trigger on that immediately. Twitchy gives great services. Arod will only hit like what... 50 homers? Twitchy could do that on the twitchingest day of the year with an electrified twitching machine causing him to twitch more. You'll see."

"Why would I trade my star vendor? Face it. Twitchy will go nowhere in Skylands. This is farm country."

Twitchy currently lives in Flemington, New Jersey after moving from Toronto. This Canadian makes a great image on people. He offers guides to Single A baseball, great chocolate bars with almonds, and a full out smile that could just take you away. His charm? His twitch. He was hired in mid-April.

Voters on ESPN's Page 2 have voted for the best moves in sports history. 99% of the voters (a whopping 37 thousand) voted for the Twitchy McKennedy move. 1% voted for others (4 votes for Ruth).

The Daily Record reports that the Toronto Blue Jays and Tampa Bay Devil Rays are also interested in Mr. McKennedy.

Twitchy responded, "Going back to Canada, eh? I'd like that. However, my favorite team is the Rays. One hundred loses is a one hundred wins in my book."

Manix also commented, "His words are like butter milk. Composed of butter and milk. I never want to let him go."

Arod had to comment, "I think it is unfair for these city slicking Canadians to take the small market men out of the good teams. Seriously, this man is treated like a god. All he does is twitch. Come on."

Hours after releasing that comment, his house was burned down. Twitchy current wears a Kennedy jersey instead of McKennedy but might just wear Twitchy, like Ichiro.

Ichiro Suzuki commented through a translator, "Who the hell is Twitchy McKennedy? Is he some kind of happy meal?"

Happy maybe. Is he a meal? Only to the fans. Twitchy McKennedy may even be part of one of the biggest deals ever. Arod and Irod for Twitchy would be a great steal for Texas. However, the Brooklyn Cyclones are offering to take Twitchy by trading members of their major league counter part, the New York Mets. They are offering Roberto Alomar, Mike Piazza, Mo Vaughn, Jay Payton, Bobby Valentine, and the mascot, Mr. Met, the guy with the baseball for a head.

Steve Phillips, Met GM, replied, "Why would I do that? Why do that when I can just make the trade and get him to my major league team? I may miss a few good moves, but I know super studs when I see them."

That move would be the most lopsided trade in baseball history. The Mets would have a great advantage.

Will Twitchy McKennedy be offering chocolate with almonds and almonds with chocolate in that Cardinals jersey anymore? Jeffrey Manix thinks not.

He said, "Am I a moron? Maybe. I'll do what needs to be done. Getting Bobby Valentine over here? Man oh man, I could make him lick my dog's crap for sleeping with my wife a few years ago. I'll make it but only because I'm an idiot."

Twitchy commented, "I'm just happy wherever I play. Arod hurt me. Just because of my contract doesn't mean he can offend me. I have connections. Ever hear of the Japanese Mafia? Have you?"

Arod stood to his opinion commenting that Twitchy is what is wrong with baseball and his multi-million dollar a year contracts.

The trading deadline of July 31st nears closer. Will Twitchy be making his final twitches at Skylands?




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