I have been going through a weird time in my relationship with God. I’ve been a Christian for a long time, but I’ve been wrestling with some questions lately. I just know that there is room for improvement in my relationship with Christ, and over the past few months I saw so many things about myself that I hated. I just questioned a lot about myself. Not about whether or not I believe in God, that will never change. But I questioned whether or not I was really following Him and seeking Him with everything that I have. I just reached a point where there needed to be some growth, and I knew I couldn’t stay in the same place anymore.
The Bible says to test your faith, and if Jesus is there, you will find Him. 2 Corinthians 13:5 says – “Examine yourselves to see whether you are in the faith; test yourselves. Do you not realize that Christ Jesus is in you – unless of course, you fail the test?” That was almost scary for me to read. I realized that I did need to test myself, but the thought of not finding Christ there was just more than I could bear. But I had to go forward. Best thing I ever did! =)
I also found this other verse that was convicting. Hebrews 3:12-13 says – “See to it, brothers, that none of you has a sinful, unbelieving heart that turns away from the living God. But encourage one another daily, as long as it is called Today, so that none of you may be hardened by sin’s deceitfulness.” As far as I can tell, no Christian wants be hardened by sin. And I was afraid that was happening to me.
But I kept going. The past few months have been interesting. Praying every day has not been a problem for me in a long time. But during this time when I have been questioning my relationship with God, there were so many times when I could have spent more time in the Word in addition to praying. I’m being so transparent here. I love to study the Bible. But there were definitely days when I didn’t read it, even though I was having all these questions.
There is this other verse that is very convicting. Hebrews 12:4 says – “In your struggle against sin, you have not yet resisted to the point of shedding your blood.” Well, there you go. How did I expect to test my faith, and grow in my relationship with Christ, without staying in the Word? The ultimate rhetorical question.
I’m leaving out months and months of questions, and I’m going to sum it up right here. God is good. “Good” is probably the simplest way to describe anyone in the world, and I’m choosing to describe God that way. God is good. I don’t know why He puts up with me, but He has, and my life will never be the same after this period of time. I was talking to a friend about something, and I said something that I never want to forget. I said that even if for some impossible reason God decided to hate me, I would not turn the other way. I would chase Him. I would hunt Him down, and I would worship Him whether He liked it or not. I love Him so much that I would not care if He hated me. He’s getting my love, and my life, whether He likes it or not. And the good thing is…He likes it! =)
It seems clear to me now that this has been a time when God has chosen to “hide” Himself from me. Not for torture or punishment of any kind. But I was freaking out because I wasn’t hearing His voice or feeling His presence, and that’s what started all the questioning. But I can see now that God was silent for a while, so I could see how much I love Him. I’m so incredibly grateful for that. It was definitely necessary. There are still things about me that God needs to work on, but my faith and our relationship is different now. I know for sure that I love Him more than anyone or anything. I am just so full of joy because of Him! And it's the kind of joy that won't fade. Ever!
Here is a link to what I've written in here before...