Preliminary steps

1mar: I’m invited as a speaker on a European conference about air shows. During those 3 days I got 3 specific unique rewarding job offers but turned all of them down because they would interfere with my planned discovery of my own body and mind.

24may: Smoking is dangerous for your health and especially if combined with medication. With the possible future intake of hormones I decided to quit smoking after 35 years in order not to jeopardize my future options if medication has to be taken (hormones).

25may-28jun: As part of a 3 man crew I participate in a sailing boat rally to bring an old colleague’s 37 foot ship from Belgium via Plymouth UK to Lagos in Portugal. 

I had hoped this trip would allow me lots of time thinking about my possibilities in life in the future while sailing for hours through the dark nights through the North sea, gulf of Biscay and the Atlantic ocean. I soon found out this was not going to happen because the sailing through force 8 gales and the busy shipping channels required the utmost concentration and discordance between the skipper and the other 2 members gave me more urgent problems to think about. The sailing was a great experience and I liked it a lot but I also realized I had terrible problems being one month without privacy with 2 other guys on board of the small surface of a ship. I terribly missed my daily bubble bath, my relax soft clothes and the comfort of high heels. Most of the wife’s on the other 40 participating ships felt similar problems and I often spent time with them during the parties ashore or on other ships. I also got along very well with a women that give up her teaching job and house, bought a boat and was going to continue into the Caribbean with her 2 dogs for a life on her ship. I was glad to return home and as soon as left the ship, changed into my skirt and heels in the taxi on the way to Faro airport. I flew home like that and felt relaxed again after so many weeks of frustration.

My first outing

7jul: After being invited as a VIP to a major air show I find myself attending the evening party on my own after driving my wife back to the hotel with some food poisoning phenomena. My best friends’ wife is the lady of honor and she knew everything about me. That evening I spent explaining my unusual feelings and desires to her sister in law, a girl with whom I had a terrible crush and a platonic relation more than a decade ago. She was terribly surprised hearing my confessions but at first sight showed no negative or disgusted feelings.

15jul: I helped organize a major press event with 1500 photographers coming from all over Europe to see 80 special painted military aircraft gathered together and flying. I did all that in my hidden heels but at the end told the organizers this was the last time I helped them. I slowly want to pull the plug on all those military and flying involvements so as not to hinder eventual feminine developments the next year.

Vacation in sarong and on platforms

29jul: My wife got a 2 week job at a vacation camp in Corsica and I just flew along as a tourist because I new I could do lots of sailing there. As from the first days I ran around in tall platform slippers and a floor length black sarong skirt. This did not prevent the director of the camp asking me to join the staff for the second week because they had some injured and sick personnel. Without changing anything to my habits or shoes I worked full time the second week and got paid for it. This was a perfect example that unlike my wife, other people don’t care the way I dress but still consider me as a person with qualifications and perfectly capable of fulfilling the job of beach rescue, sail instructor, ferry motorboat skipper, animator, bus and jeep driver etc. All these jobs were high visibility in continuous contact with the other tourists (including some high ranking officers) but all were kind with me and I never got any remarks or questions about my unusual dress code.

24aug: We are invited to attend a combined 25^th wedding anniversary from my best friend and his brother, married to the 2 women I confessed everything to early July. By coincidence we happened to be seated at the table with my doctor and also a guy we knew that just left his wife for a very young girl. The atmosphere was not right to talk into detail to my doctor about my desires concerning a hormone treatment but I kind of prepared him and told him I would send him some articles he should read to be more prepared for a deeper private talk a few weeks later.

30aug: With the good weather in Germany I spend almost the whole week in my long jeans skirt and bought 2 others. My wife completely disapproved and raised hell. While I know it is unusual I know I don’t hurt anybody doing that and I’m feeling much better that way. I got very little attention from anybody and feel much more freedom and being myself in such an outfit. 

With some wedge sandals I wear a complete feminine outfit below the waist but the t-shirt and leather jacket under my shaven head and moustache display a masculine image above the waist. I think I could come to terms living half and half in an androgen mode.

Last reconciliation attempt

6-21sep: The last effort to see if my wife and me could still live together in the future through a holiday in Cuba. We both feel irritated about each other’s way of life. She is never happy and critiques everything and everybody and prefers to watch television in the room or drinking in the lobby instead of watching the daily animation shows every evening. Even when she mostly tolerates my feminine footwear I feel she is more and more uneasy with my presence. 

We never were angry but these 2 weeks enforced our idea that living together requires too many sacrifices in our preferred way of living and it would be better to just avoid each other as much as possible.

It's over

23sep: Today my wife and me discussed our situation honestly and while she would have preferred staying with me she understood my desire for freedom and agreed on a separation on certain (financial) terms. She still doesn’t understand me and said I now was free to continue to live with one of my gay friends wearing heels. Each time she said such a lie hurt me terribly. Does she really believe what she says, doesn’t she understand after all my explanations during 20 years that my problem is more complex, or is she just plain stupid or single minded to realize there is a gender and no sex problem with me.

24sep: After a very silent drive to the airport my wife dropped me off and we hugged each other while she was crying. I left for a week in Malta where I had intensive work to do. The few moments I had in the evening I mostly talked with the women of some colleagues about my desire for living on my own. The last day a UK wife wished me well, saying she thought she understood me. That week zipped by and did not leave me any time to worry or think about my own problems.

Announcing the divorce

6oct: Today we joined my wife’s family to celebrate her sister’s 25^th wedding anniversary. Everything went fine and later in the evening when most had gone home we decided to announce our upcoming divorce to her sister and daughter. My wife was rather crude in telling everybody we separated because I was a transvestite. Everybody was shocked, I didn’t deny it but told them it was not that easy to explain and there were other reasons. Her daughter was the only one that felt sympathy for me and asked me to talk with her about my feelings after a few weeks. She also said this explained a lot of things she never understood before.

26oct: Today my wife and me settled on dividing all the goods in our home and about a monthly alimentation sum of money for her. I realize I will end up with almost an empty house and over the years lose a substantial amount of money but I am willing to do that for the sake of my freedom and the possibility of discovering myself after all those years. I am ready to do any sacrifice to achieve this still fuzzy target in my new life.

28oct: A big day in my life. This morning my wife and I went to the “notaris” to initiate the divorce procedure. All went well thanks to our good preparation and after an hour we left with the required paperwork and a list of additional ones to get. He told us if everything went right we should be officially separated by eastern 2003. As from today we already live separated, me in Belgium and my wife in Germany so in effect today is the first day of my reacquired freedom. That afternoon my Dutch friend came along but I had no peace in my mind. We talked a lot during a good dinner but the evening I was absent with my mind and mostly watched some television and was not very talkative. I needed time to settle down a bit.

Telling it all to my parents

29oct: Because I would be driving quite a lot I choose to wear my SA10 long blue fleece skirt under my leather jacket and over my wedge Bronx knee high black boots. 

After gassing up I drove to Gent to get some legal birth papers. Because they really made it difficult for cars in that city I ended up walking almost an hour from one to the other administrative town buildings throughout the town but at noon got everything and continued to Ostend. I stopped at a road restaurant to get some food and after that changed into my car in my long ribbed velour pants but kept the boots because I didn’t take any other shoes along. A little later I arrived at my parents’ place and was warmly greeted. I didn’t feel the moment was right announcing anything and preferred to do that after my mom had rested. Since years she had a weak hart and valve transplant so I did not want to take any risks. I shopped a bit through Ostend mostly thinking what, how and how much I would tell my parents. Finally it took me till after supper when we all sat in the living till I told them I would drop a bomb. I announced them I initiated divorce the previous day. Although they were surprised they did not look shocked at all and soon it was apparent they had no problems with that. After about an hour my mum looked at me and asked if she could ask me a delicate question. I said go and she coldly asked me if what my first wife told her about me sometimes wearing feminine clothing was true. I had no qualms admitting that and I elaborated more on the subject during the following hours. Mom kept it secret and felt guilty because she thought maybe it were her inner desire of having a girl instead of a boy who had caused this to me. I told her I never noticed that and the desire for dressing differently came by itself from within me without outside influences. She talked about her only brother that died the age of 8 and many more deep family matters, including divorces from other relatives that never remarried and although not gay continued living with another male because they got along together better with guys as with girls. I saw her coming but assured her neither my wife nor myself had anybody else and I had no gay feelings at all. She hoped I would never marry again but meet somebody to share parts of my life with because they thought living alone would be boring. Apparently this clarification and honesty worked as a relief for both of us and by 2 in the morning we went to bed. My dad remained silent most of the evening, especially when my mom told me she always had problems with my dad’s shoe obsession but just indulged it because she liked him. Next day we all felt much closer to each other as the last 20 years and I knew I had their support so far. Because I did want to push anything too fast out of fear for their weak health I decided to wait a bit before announcing my newly acquired freedom could lead to further changes. I left during the afternoon and wore my skirt again to get the additional paperwork from the town we married in 13 years before.

Uncertain about my body

31oct: While relaxing in my bubble bath and shaving my below the waist area I got disgusted by the ungainly hair on my breasts and chest and also shaved that area. I look and feel a lot better now when I face the mirror. Another area of concern is my genitals. I already mentioned my tests were always in the way since a few years but slowly I also get an aversion for my small penis that only is about 5cm in a flaccid state. I never thought about it like that before and I am not certain anymore what I want to do about it. Having no wife and need for sex anymore I wonder why I thought about keeping it. If I am slowly turning into a women why not doing it properly and completely. This might be drastic, cost a lot of money and serve no purpose but on the other hand it might be a revelation and open a new world for me. Maybe I didn’t enjoy sex because I didn’t have the correct plumbing for my mind. The only problem is that you just can’t try it and revert if you don’t like it. When you go that way, it’s a one-way street you take. There is no way back. If the result is no improvement or unsuccessful, you’re stuck with it for the rest of your life, a scaring thought.

A heely Benelux weekend

2nov: With my British and Dutch friends I drove to Brussels and while shopping were all surprised at a young guy yelling “Hi girls” to us through the window of his delivery truck. Except for block heeled or wedge boots we all wore conservative male clothing. This was the first time we got such repeated load comments in all our years through different cities. The rest of the day we shopped through all parts of Brussels and in Hasselt and had no further comments neither bad looks but all of us were surprised by this happening. During the evening I showed some texts about my troubled life to the guys on my computer and they were quite surprised about these confessions. They never had seen that in me but apparently had little problems with it.

3nov: Today I joined 2 British and a Dutch friend for a shoe-shopping trip to Rotterdam. The weather was fine and I elected to wear my SA6 Ankle length skirt and BK16 brown suede boots. I also took the camera along because this would be a good opportunity to film the reaction of the people in a crowded environment. I asked the guys to intentionally move away from me so they could observe the different reactions. 

While I was just walking around and browsing some stores their perception was completely different as mine. While I saw some people looking at me but no more, they saw people pointing and laughing at me. This is not at all visible on the movie shots they made so this must have happened when I was quite some distance away. I felt completely comfortable in my outfit and wished I could wear it more often. The Dutch friend appeared quite upset about all that in a comment he posted on a discussion board later that day. He even had addressed those people pointing out it was very easy to make fun and comments like that about somebody on the street. This episode again makes me having doubts about the road to take. Would it be better to change completely into women just to be more conspicuous in public? I don’t think I need this complete change for my own but the unacceptance of society dictates this to be a better solution.

varied options

4nov: This evening I watched a television program on the Dutch television 2 called “Kamphuus maakt vrienden”. It’s about the reporter infiltrating the transvestite community to find out about their lifestyle. It were mostly older tv’s that had been into it for most of their life but also were in public some days of their life. To get a feel he was dressed up as well and went out with those (married) heterosexuals tv’s. His conclusion was he never felt at ease but saw the other tv’s being totally different human beings when dressed. They all had a little part of female in them that they needed to express once in a while to keep their life in balance. I was taping the program but really was disappointed when I got a black image trying to play it back. My VCR seems to be unserviceable at a really bad moment. This program made me think again about the possibilities for attaining happiness in my life. Those people lived in harmony with their 2 personae. Even their wife’s and kids tolerated it. Is living disguised as a women a few days each month a better way to satisfy my desires as what I thought? It would for sure be easier than the drastic ways I was thinking lately.

5nov: Another great day in my life. I just got the news I became grandfather again. It’s a girl named Deana that weighs 3,780kg and is already 53cm tall. After 2 grandsons I’m happy this one is a girl. I don’t know why but I almost started to cry when I got this news while on previous occasions it hardly did anything to me. A few hours later when collecting the falling leaves in the garden I automatically compared to my life situation of one down (my wife) and one up (my granddaughter). All this in the idyllic surrounding of a low sun coloring the peaceful trees in autumn. Can you believe I even was thinking of future shopping trips to buy nice outfits for that little girl? I hope Deana will have much happiness and live in a tolerating and peaceful world. I also wonder who I will be for that kid. By the time she realizes and understand things I might be a completely different person. Will I see her grow up or will my daughter try to avoid contact with her strange weird dad.

Attention to grooming

6nov: I took a long scented bath and while shaving my torso and below the waist area I noticed I still had hair under my armpits. After getting rid of that the only hair remaining is a few on the head and quite a bit on my arms and hands but I think that also will come off soon. At the end of the afternoon my Dutch friend came along and we discussed a lot during the meal and till 6 in the morning about my situation. I told him I got scared about the evolution I feel into myself. I still do not have a clue what way I am going, what my body and mind need. I continuously switch options and this completely clean. I read about people being on an emotional roller coaster after they start taking hormones. I think I will need a bit more stability in my mind before I take that step.

7nov: I’m still a bit high from all the whiskey I drunk during the night long talks and have problems straightening my mind. Whatever activity I do today, I continuously think about my growing needs for feminization. I’m just envious of all the girls and women I see on the streets and complimented a women I didn’t know in the pizzeria about her nice skirt. I’m getting obsessed by the time I’m losing before starting my next move in my new life. I can’t wait but don’t dare to start.

8nov: I met my (ex) wife’s 27-year-old daughter and was very surprised how natural she acted after hearing all those weird things about me. She just continued to call me “papa” although I’m not her father. This touched me deeply and she obviously had no reservations still introducing me to other people as such, even in the presence of my ex and me wearing 4-inch wedge boots.  

9nov: Baths are taking longer each time. The shaving of my body becomes a burden but also a necessity because I get disgusted looking at the hair left on my body. I now also shaved my upper arms and hands so next week I think my whole body will be clear of that ugly hair. Grooming myself becomes a pleasant activity considering the smooth results. Unfortunately twice a week will not be sufficient to keep it all smooth so I’m afraid this will become a daily activity (I hate the effects of testosterone). The evening I went to a 30^th anniversary party of some friends. I was there first and explained the couple why my wife was not present. They kind of understood and I also explained them why I wanted more freedom. The guy resumed it very well when he said I was still young in my mind and liked to dress a bit extravagantly sometimes (he had seen me in the sore he worked in while I wore a skirt last summer). I talked a lot with a former colleague and his wife who are the parents of the girl and was glad she drove us home early in the morning. I was tired and felt asleep on their coach.

10nov: The mother woke me up and when I removed the sheet discovered I had taken my pants off and had slept in my tights. My 4-inch heeled ankle boots were exposed besides the table and I quickly dressed again before a quick trip back home. By noon it was time to leave for the night of the proms in Antwerp. I caught myself taking more interest in the clothing and shoes of the female artists (pointer sisters jumping on terrific 4 inch sling back stilettos) and backing vocals, than concentrating on the music. I hardly spoke to anyone in the bus and was constantly busy thinking about my uncertain future. Could I just go through life without any body changes, just doing what I always had done, portrayed as a guy, but with the sensitivity and some clothing of feminine style?

Attempting to seek help

11nov: During a relaxing bath I removed the last hairs on my body from the neck down. My skin now feels much softer and I’m happy to have lost that chimpanzee image when looking in the mirror. I also made the decision to contact a local transgender association in order to attend one of their get together. The initial contact through telephone was very disappointing to me. The person coldly said these meetings were private and assessed me to be a fetishist or cross dresser and as such would probably shock the real transgenders and their eventual partners in the meeting. This was like a cold shower for me. I knew society was hard and tries to categorize people in little boxes but I never expected these people to be so narrow-minded. It took me about half an hour on the phone to explain I thought I might be transgender but would have more certainty if I would get the chance to speak with honest members of that community. I needed all my persuasion powers before I finally got the address and date and time for the meeting. My enthusiasm dropped to an all time low as I was terribly disgusted about these narrow minded answers I got on the phone. I almost was ready to call back and cancel but got strong and decided to have a go anyway. Hopefully this was only a test to prevent infiltrations from less honest people and maybe the other participants have a more open approach, we shall see.

13nov: My ex-wife came home to hand over some paperwork and she soon had noted I had shaved my chest. A little later she told me neighbors had seen a bunch of guys in heels getting in and out of cars last weekend, had heard from others I had been wearing skirts to the baker, seamstress, library etc. Some also had been contacted by the wife of an ex squadron commander of mine to confirm what she had heard was true. The gossip in my little town runs at full speed and my ex couldn’t believe I didn’t care about what people were saying. This unplanned visit also delayed my departure to the transgender group meeting an hour’s drive from my home. While trying to make time good on the busy highway I got a call from my daughter on my mobile. She asked me if it was true that she heard from her mother that I had been seen in a long black skirt with another man in a nearby ice cream bodega some time ago. I definitely was not in the mood to answer that and told her I was driving on the highway with a mobile on my ear and would pass at her place the next day to talk about it.

I arrived just a tad late at the given address and saw the face of the host opening the door being very surprised about my appearance. After the previous phone call I decided to be conservative and show up in full male outfit except for some stealthy wedge boots. After introducing myself I was brought to the living room where I was introduced to different people, all dressed in their real self-expression, and some partners. I told them I was glad to be there and had been looking since quite some time for a group like this, and all agreed saying while most similar groups were more sexually tinted, this one was pure and handled more the problems of the mind. A little later when the discussion moderator asked for a volunteer to start the discussion I put my hand up and started telling my story as an introduction. While all the participants understood my problems and gave positive comments, the moderator kept distant and cool. Later that evening he even became arrogant to me and only answered my honest questions after being urged by other participants. I left completely disgusted and disappointed from my first attempt in a self-help group.

Family problems 1

14nov: After spending the morning doing paperwork relating to my divorce I went to my daughter for some urgent talks. She was very calm and during the next hours I explained my position and desires. While personally she (and her husband) had no problems with what I was doing, the eternal fear for what others would say caused major problems. In a few months they would move to their new house close to mine and were afraid they and the kids would be referred to as close relatives of that old weird man that sometimes wears feminine clothing or shoes. She also asked me to think about how her kids would have to react if they saw me across the street when leaving school between their fellow students. I admitted this was a huge problem because while each individual alone had no problems with it, once in-group the same proved unacceptable and necessitating comments and laughter. She asked me to restrict my escapades to any place except my home town but this would curtail my life so much this would be impossible. The only thing I could think of at that time was the possibility of selling my house and moving away, even in a foreign country. I promised her to keep quit till we found a solution and we separated in good terms. I phoned to my doctor for some persistent irritation in my neck but with his dying wife was unable to see me that day. That evening my Dutch friend came along and we watched some videotapes of TG subjects that were shown on Belgian television over the years. That night again we talked till 5 in the morning and although very tired, I needed to talk to somebody.

Problems with health and mind

15nov: After only 2 hours of sleep I had to get up for the cleaning lady. I was able to make a rendezvous with my doctor and after some research he concluded I had a ZONA, a disease caused by stress and diminished immunity. I got pills to take every 4 hours during a whole week and at the end he also told me he already had made some research regarding my other concerns but the grave illness of his wife had not allowed him more time yet. He promised me to get in touch within weeks. The rest of the day I spent in front of my pc drafting a 2-page text about my outing, soon to be spread to family, friends and neighbors. I felt I had initiate spreading the truth myself instead of allowing incorrect rumors to circulate within most of my former acquaintances. Around midnight I was happy about the first version and mailed it to my Dutch friend for comments.

16nov: For the first time in weeks I had slept 12 hours in one go and felt much better. My friend had mailed some comments back and also suggested I had the document proofread by others before I published it. I thought this was an excellent idea and contacted my neighbor (a experienced sociologic) and a now high ranking flying friend to arrange a time next day (Sunday) for some talking. That evening I already reworked the text according to the first inputs and also got a very positive reaction to critical comments I had made to another participant from last weeks gender self-help group. Then hit the sack in peace.

17nov: After a relaxing bath and a quick lunch I left for my old pilot friend and we talked with his wife during 4 hours. His wife knew me very well from talking hours while she was a hostess in the bus and she was one of the few who knew I also wanted my own pair of breasts. They were very positive about my coming out paper and told me they had no problems with it. After the dinner I walked to my neighbors and his son and daughter who study at the university were also present. All had read my draft and again none had any problems with it. It took again 4 hours to discuss everything and make the necessary corrections but now I had something very acceptable and informative in my hands.

Family problems 2

18nov: As soon as I got up my dad was on the line and he asked me if he could come over to talk me in private. I immediately agreed but knew the shit was going to hit the fan. He arrived in the afternoon and he stressed he wanted to talk to me man to man. After a few sentences of preaching I asked him to stop and first read the coming out text I had prepared. He took his time to read those 2 pages in detail and seemed very surprised about the historical part of my confession. He still could not accept what was happening and told me the euphoric reaction at his place 2 weeks ago was because of the divorce, but they later realized the rest of what we talked about and both had been crying because the choices I had made. They thought they had lost their only son; I was going to lose all my family, friends and acquaintances and would be beaten up in the streets. It was impossible for me to relativate these statements because he stubbornly refused to accept any of my arguments or to see some images taken in the streets in Rotterdam. The discussion was getting too serious when he told me my mother did not take her medication anymore, cried all day and didn’t want to live anymore because of me. I threw the ball back by saying I did not want to make the choice of who was going to die, me making an end to it because I couldn’t cope with it anymore, or my mother because although she didn’t see it (they live 150km from my place), she wanted to fade away. My dad realized I was not joking and this was more serious to me as initially perceived. We hardly booked any progress in the discussion. He refused to admit suppressing his own desires since decades and kept saying I had to be strong as a man and continue living and dressing normally, suppressing my desires. By the end of the afternoon we drove to my daughter to see the new kid and in the car we were able to talk a little better. Later we ate something in my favorite restaurant and we were able to compromise, me promising not to dress in presence of the family (which I didn’t plan anyway) and minimize my appearances in my village. It was already late when he returned home but we both were happy we got at least to a point of honest discussion without prejudices anymore. To be continued when I will visit them in a few weeks.

The total outing, no way back anymore.

19nov: I spent the whole day distributing the envelopes containing my coming out statements to all my neighbors, usual restaurants, friends and colleagues etc…After a trip to the post office with another bunch I proceeded sending e-mails with that text to all the rest I knew. I already received a first positive reaction from another pilot over the phone before dinner, which was a great morale booster for me. While in the restaurant my father called and gave me the familial order not to publish the outing text I gave him the previous day. His voice changed when he heard everything had already been dispatched but I hope calmed him down when I assured him I didn’t send any to their family. They are living far apart and we rarely see each other (every 3 years maybe) so I found it unnecessary to throw the shit to the fan. I felt much more relaxed the rest of the evening and watched some television before falling asleep in peace.

Nice

20nov: 2 more positive reactions from still active air force pilots. I never expected that to happen. The rest of the world keeps silent. I use this last day of good weather to clean up the fallen leaves in the garden and the mess in my garage, all this in flying suit and rubber boots, not the typical outfit to celebrate my liberation. My usual restaurants reacted positively so I feel the social integration will be less a problem as initially anticipated.

22nov: 2 days to reprogram my computer after a crash. My computer friend spent the day at my place to remove windows me by a drastic format c and installing the old trusty windows 98 se. He had no problem with my outing so I wore my ankle length dark blue fleece skirt all day. I got different phone calls with positive reactions again and felt I made the right choice, even if my family didn’t approve (yet). During the evening I got a desperate phone call from a girl friend and got her to talk for a few hours. While her problems were deeper as mine, she kept on telling me she didn’t understand what I was doing and was going to.

First relax weekend

23nov: The good weather made me choose for a nice androgen outfit and I wore a white ribbed turtleneck body sweater over beige stretch pants with side zipper and wide pipes, and my pale knee high blade heeled boots. 

xxxx

This was positively received at my restaurant and I was immediately invited at the boss’s table for dinner, and later by other people to join their table for New Year’s evening. I also went to the supermarket and felt great and natural in that outfit. Nobody gave me any second looks and felt really relaxed for the first time in more than a week. Later I responded to lots of e-mails before falling asleep in front of the television. I also got an offer from one of the persons of that self help group to meet again for some talks and I’m looking forward to that. My life is taking shape again.  

24nov: A fantastic day, really the way I like to live. After a relax scented bubble bath I had a four course menu at a good restaurant wearing the same outfit as yesterday. After the coffee I went to the aero club and spent the first half hour explaining to a girl I knew what exactly was happening with me, and the second half I discussed the way I always did with the guys. All of them had read my outing letter and felt nothing much had changed, although I didn't wear any true masculine clothing. If I can maintain this life without having to answer questions or giving additional explanations I feel I'm going to be a happy person.

25nov: I had the letter read to my cleaning lady but this of course was no surprise to her, she had seen me since months. She told me she knew others like me and didn't care at all. The evening was a ski refresher course with the other instructors of our organization but I was tired and did not hung around with them. Although at least 2 of them must have read the letter nothing was mentioned about it and they acted as before with me.

26nov: My last trip to Germany to turn in my license plates and ID cards following our divorce situation. That evening I gave a drink for about 15 good friends and all were positive to me. With four we continued to my (ex) wife's apartment and after some more drinking, food and talks is was just the two of us staying up and openly discussing about the past and future. We still are good friends and we even slept in the same bed.

27nov: While shopping for groceries in the morning I got a phone call from my daughter. She was almost hysteric and was at my parents place, showing off her new daughter to my mom. She asked me to tell the truth, if I had been to a restaurant she knew in women's clothing the evening when she gave birth. It was very easy for me to deny that because I went there straight from the hospital, still wearing the same clothes she saw me in. The lady of the restaurant could confirm that because I showed her the pictures of my new grandchild on the digital camera I still had with me. She believed me and cried on the phone asking me who had fun or interests spreading these false rumors around during these difficult times. After coming back home in Belgium my wife and I discovered a 5 page letter from my father. In that he urges me to stop my way of living and to return to a life as accepted by society. It said I blemished my whole family, friends and even my Air Force with the outing letter I sent. I was going to lose everything I had worked for so far, even my retirement pay because I would be dishonored when the bosses would hear the truth. He suggested me to quit looking at the internet because it was full of immoral info that degenerates the human race. I also had to stop frequenting all those obscure people with whom I have been seen in public, stores, tea rooms etc. Next point was even more insane, I had to write a new letter to all who got the first one, telling them to forget the first letter, excusing myself for the harm I caused anybody and regretting what I had done so far. He told me that second outing would be much appreciated and I would be able to walk away very proudly again. I also had to use the local dumps to get rid of all the feminine stuff I had in the house and I would feel much relieved doing that! They also said that while in most families the doors would already have been closed for pure shame, theirs was still open if I got back on the right track. I just couldn't believe people were still thinking like that in the 21st century. That letter had been written before they saw my daughter so I'm anxious to hear what all went on during their meeting.

28nov: After a rather normal night my ex and me started the painful task of sorting out the numerous pictures we had collected during our 20 years together. There were no discussions as to who would keep what album or pictures but we often got a bit sentimental when looking at those good souvenirs. It took us all day and in the evening we both felt asleep in front of the television.

29nov: I had 2 former colleagues join me up at my place to drive in pool to a meeting of colleagues from my former disbanded squadron at the Duvel brewery. Besides some 3-1/2 inch heeled boots I wore my standard male ribbed velour's pants and shirt and none of all 17 present said anything about the letter they all received. Everybody acted normal to me and this form of acceptance felt good. That evening I joined with my wife and 2 of her colleagues in the Italian restaurant and afterwards we came home and listened to good blues dvd's while sipping CC7 till about 3 in the morning.

30nov: Everybody left home around noon and I went to my favorite restaurant where I immediately was invited to join the "stamtisch". While having lunch they also invited me to join them on a restaurant visit with 7 people on Tuesday when they have their weekly closure. It was nice talking openly to the owner, his wife, the friendly waitress and her mother. They all had read my letter and were all aware of the non-masculine clothing I usually wore. All seemed to accept me that way and that felt great. I spent the afternoon and evening catching up on the internet and building this website.

1dec: After a relaxing bath and complete shave I set course to the restaurant where they serve an excellent Sunday 4 course menu at a democratic price. When I parked the car I noticed the car or my first ex-wife, the mother of my daughter. She was just coming out of the restaurant with her partner and we crossed each other in the hall. As soon as she saw me I saw her cooking and she started her sermon by telling me "I needed to talk to you about what you are doing to your daughter". Because I did not want to make a scene at that spot I told her I just came to have a relaxed lunch and continued to enter. With the door open so everybody within could hear it she yelled at me "I hope you fall off your heels". I continued and found a table and I saw them proceed to their car. Now I knew where my daughter got the incorrect information about my clothing in that restaurant and I was anxious to hear what lies she would spread now because I was again in conservative dark blue velour pants and shirt with some black leather 4-inch heeled knee boots almost completely covered up. The meal was delicious but spoiled by me rummaging about all those negative reactions from the family. I was so happy my outing worked out so well and now the last days just a few relatives broke it all apart. I again started thinking about selling my house and moving to a foreign country, about the impossibility to live as an androgen within this society and the possibility to become a full transsexual just to conform to the surroundings while adjusting to my true gender desires. Those were not the choices I had made lately, this was not what I wished, but what our intolerant society imposes on me. After getting my desert I couldn't keep my emotions in control anymore and tears started flowing down my cheeks. I was alone in my part of the restaurant and by turning my face away I was able to cry without being noticed. I did not want to ham my daughter nor her kids and therefore had made a real effort on dressing as a man, but all to no avail and I was seeing no outcome to the future now. I continued crying while driving home and the first thing I did was call my daughter. Her mother was there to baby sit and she was ready to leave for the football match (her partner is a well known pro player). With all the sobbing I hardly could speak and she promised me to come over next day to talk just the 2 of us. She asked me to just bridge those 24 hours with courage and understood me when I told her I needed her very much and couldn't wait very long. I admitted I was in deep problems and could think of no solutions anymore. After an hour's rest on the couch I regained my composure and started completing this diary. I didn't feel well for the rest of the day and tried to change ideas by looking at the television. My daughter called again close to midnight to inform about me and confirm our meeting.

2dec: My daughter called and proposed I came to her place for lunch and a chat. By noon I was there and after a good meal and putting the kids to rest we got together including her partner. I got all the details of all that was talked about at my parents place and soon found out the cause of all the erroneous information. It was my first wife that spread all this nonsense and my daughter confirmed that by calling her to verify some facts. My daughter and her friend saw no problem in what I wore at that time which was exactly the same I wore when her mother cried hell. After about 3 hours of relaxed honest discussions we split and I was happy to have my daughter believe in me again.

3dec: My parents called in the morning and apparently it is not as serious as what was mentioned in the letter. They want to see me again for some talks and I'm happy about that evolution. early in the afternoon the daughter of my latest wife came to visit me. We always had been able to talk very well but this time I had problems. My own stress combined with the required attention for her young son running around prevented having a deep open talk. On the other hand she opened my eyes on a few problems I had. She pointed out I was old and wise enough to do what I thought was ok and didn't have to keep explaining it to everybody. She knew I liked to straighten out problems that arose but in this case she pointed out the problems were created or invented by third parties for dubious reasons or thinking. She was right in pointing out people would continue to invent something to talk about even if nothing was worth mentioning. I just had to register those comments but take no further action and certainly not spending sleepless nights about it. She also was right when she said parents should have an unconditional love for their child, and I didn't have to worry so much about their opinion, they live 150km from where I do and should at least accept my freedom. The few sentences she voiced were worth their weight in gold and I felt sorry I couldn't fully discuss it with her but I will be forever grateful she opened my eyes and on the true values of what I believed in and disregarding people's talks about it.

Shortly after she left the owners of my favorite restaurant came home to pick me up and after a good drive (in their convertible Mercedes) we arrived at a stylish restaurant. Soon we were 9 people around a table and had a delicious meal. After that they all came to my place for some brandy and I was happy to spend some more time with all those nice people who accepted me the way I lived. To the restaurant I wore my stylish off-white blade heeled boots under my Bordeaux ribbed velour pants. Back home I switched to my SA10 skirt and the light blue hooded sweater over my hidden heeled home slippers. 

They all came to look at my shoe and cloth collection and they tried a lot of my outfits. We also talked about other nice things in our lives and soon it was past midnight and time to split up. That evening did a lot to my morale and I'm sure those people will be good friends for some time to come. It's a pity life cannot be continuously as good as that. I got regenerated and was ready again to face any upcoming problem.

4dec: I attended the funeral of the wife of my house docter. She was only a year older as me and died of a brain tumor after much suffering. This made me think how futile my problems were and how happy I should be to be able to live a normal life. On the other hand it also reminded me life on earth could be shorter as expected and if I wanted to explore more of my feminine side I better moved forward. During the afternoon I was in real disguise and played Nicodemus besides Sinter Klaus for a bunch of kids. I hated it when I had to clean myself scrubbing hard to get rid of all the black stuff they had smeared all over my face. I broke off my long fingernails in the process and swore I would never allow myself to be dragged in such things again. With all the attention I paid to grooming myself lately I was in no mind or condition to participate in such activities anymore.

5dec: After spending the afternoon trying to make additional pictures of my outfits with the remote camera for this website I found out the results were disappointing due to insufficient light. After dark my Dutch friend came along and after changing we went to the restaurant for an excellent meal and much talking after a 3 week absence. After the meal we joined the owners at their table and had a good time sipping brandy and talking about different subjects. The fact both of us wore androgynous stylish clothing did not detract to the relaxed atmosphere and it was nice to get accepted the way we were. Back home we talked till 6 in the morning about options and choices that were available to me but again no decisions were made. I was still awaiting the results of the outcome of the meeting with a supporting Belgian transgender person and another one with my parents a few days later.

6dec: At noon the owners of the restaurant, my Dutch friend and myself drove to Hasselt to get new boots for the lady. We shopped all afternoon and she came back satisfied with new 2 pairs. We also were satisfied because we all like shopping for clothes and shoes, and doing it in company is even better.

7dec: In the morning I returned by myself to Hasselt and bought a pair of boots I had seen the day before. I now wore fine stockings instead of thick socks for better fitting out. I also wore my long black leather coat out for the first time. I like the fit but I expected it to be warmer. After a light meal in my restaurant I did some more work on the pc and after a long bath prepared myself for a visit. Here I noticed again how my personality had changed. The bath took more than an hour, including my full shaving and I spent a lot of time thinking which outfit to wear. It took me another half hour trying out tops, pants, skirts, boots and jackets before I finally settled. I opted for my ankle length SA6 jeans skirt but wore it with a camel turtleneck pullover and my vintage BK1 brown knee highs.

I wore my heavy furred brown bomber jacket and Russian type fur hat to keep me warm because they predicted freezing temperatures that night. After about an hour drive I found the place of another transgendered person and by coincidence he guided me in also wearing an ankle length jeans skirt. We spent most of the evening discussing all those issues in our unusual choice of lifestyle. His wife was very friendly and supportive, and actively participated in our discussion. This was something new for me and I appreciated it very much. We all agreed the situation of social contacts in Belgium for transgendered people was a disaster. Only one organization that met once a month with about ten people while there must be thousands of transgendered people within the 6 million population concentrated within a 50 mile radius in Flanders. How do the others cope? How come nobody seeks contact? What should we do to get organized and get those people together for some much needed social contacts. All other groups around us are doing well in that respect, the gays, lesbians, transvestites and transsexuals all have their gatherings, open support groups and activities while the transgendered are still nowhere. Our preferred lifestyle is still far from being accepted by society, that does not know where to put us in its male/female restricted structure. We also agreed one of our problems was that we had no well defined target to achieve. We preferred to let nature take control of our needs and minds, and after finally accepting the facts, allowing us to drift zigzagging across the wide scala of variations between the pure masculine and pure feminine forms of life. While this is very enjoyable it puts us and our surroundings under much stress because we never are certain where this will eventually lead. We also agreed that it was possible to enjoy life this way, even making compromises with our surroundings so everybody could get used without being shocked or disgusted. This person had been facing those problems since many more years and his active course of action was way ahead of mine. Most important, he had been able to do that in full harmony with his wife and school going child, quite an achievement and an example for all. I'm sure the cultivated and serene atmosphere I felt there had been a catalyzer throughout the evolution. I never felt so much at ease with anybody during a first meeting discussing such profound and personal feelings. If the whole population would be as open it would be heaven on earth.

8dec: After doing some work during the morning I just quickly slipped in last evenings' outfit to bring it to my restaurant. They had just opened but clients had not arrived yet. After they approved my work I was ready to leave because I didn't want to stay around in my skirt when the place was full. They proposed me to stay and eat one of both fish menu leftovers they had and I accepted. Soon the mother of the waitress joined me and we chatted with the owner. In the meantime the place was full and I saw numerous eyes following me when I got up and paid at the cash register and walked up the parking lot. Later in the afternoon I changed into pants again and went to some friends to deliver stuff. Conversations were normal but the wife of the second couple started asking me some direct questions concerning our relation before my outing. She was glad I was honest and now understood better my attraction to her was more as (girl)friends instead of a horny man. After a few more answers about sexual preferences and travesties concerns they had a better idea of who they were facing and had little problems coping with my personality.