Phoenix: a mythical bird of the Arabian desert, said to live for hundreds of years and then burn itself on a funeral pyre, rising from its ashes young again to live for another cycle. (Oxford dictionary)
June 19,2000
I'm thinking that the Phoenix maybe has the right idea, at least to a point... I'm ready to throw myself on the figurative funeral pyre and burn away what has felt like hundreds of years of being unhappy with my body. I am ready to rise above the smoke and ashes and soar away to my new life on "The Other Side".
Before you get the mistaken idea that I am unhappy with everything and maybe just a big whiner, let me say I think that mostly my life is to be envied. I am a 36 year old happy housewife and mother of 2, my family is a never ending source of pride to me and I feel treasured in return. The only rotten spot in the apple is this body I've been living in for what seems like forever, and except for 2 short years after college, has been.
This is such a mixed blessing to find people that I can be so honest with -- wonderful because you can empathize, and terrible because it makes me face the reality of my body. In my head(!) I am about 135lbs and pretty sassy (it was only 2 years of my life, but I've held on to that self image most of the time) and every time I see a mirror I wonder who that fat pig reflected back could be... then with surprise I recognize her, it's me.
It's hard work pretending to myself that I'm not fat. I don't have any friends in the small town we live in because it's too much effort to put myself out there and break into their closed social circles. We don't have anything in common I tell myself, and that may be very true, but I'll never know for sure. That's not to say I don't have ANY friends, just none within walking distance. My friends don't seem to see me as fat, in fact if they comment about someone who is it's like they don't even realize that I could be the other's twin... then if I point it out they say stuff like "Well but you don't LOOK fat" (HUH?) or "You move with some grace, she/he clomps around like an elephant" or something along those lines. Needless to say, I may be fudging to my friends for sure. I was thinking along the lines of "I've been sick, my stomach's been giving me trouble" - something like that. Am I a horrible person for wanting to avoid being anyone's thought for the day? I think if I hear a single person say "You're not that bad" or "Can't you just diet" or "I'll go to the gym with you" I will just look for an uzi and mow them down.
Okay, I am not serious about the threats, but I realize the -Rage- I have begun to feel toward anyone who can't understand or who tries to minimize my feelings on the subject. Like they have ANY basis for an opinion????????!!???!!! The only thin people I have EVER met that I haven't felt discrimination from have been the people in the Cardston Hospital; they look at me like I am just wearing a huge winter parka and there is someone beautiful inside it. How pathetic that I have felt such acceptance from so few people just because of fat.
I did the math: I don't recall worrying about anything until I was 10 years old, I was thin for 2 years as an adult - that means for 24 out of 36 years I have been putting my life on hold "until I'm thinner" and that has made for a lot of missed opportunity, joy, and laughter.
What happened when I was 10 that made me see myself differently? I can tell you almost to the exact moment....
I had gotten up early to spend time with my Dad before he went to work; that morning he didn't send me back to bed and he was making breakfast. He asked me what I wanted and since he always ate eggs I said 2 eggs and toast. We were eating, not talking much, and I just was happy to be quietly in his presence. He was in a good mood (usually is) and I remember he looked at me eating the eggs and he said with a smile,
"Boy, you sure do like to eat, don't you?"
Like a ton of bricks it hit me that I wasn't Daddy's little Princess at all, that I was a fat kid and that my father was embarrassed by me. I'm not saying that was how he felt, I'm just saying that's how I perceived it. I could speculate on the freudian issues, but I won't. I put my head down so he couldn't see me cry as I choked down the tears and the food I no longer wanted. I will say that I never felt unconditionally treasured after that, I always felt lacking (my parents LOVE me, but that single moment seemed in my mind to tell me that I was not who they thought I should be). I tried to make up for my physical ugliness by doing well in school, by being a 'good' kid, by being funny or responsible or hard working; but, like a boulder in the middle of my chest, I have felt crushed by that single inadequacy in my life - my weight. I cannot master it, I cannot defeat it, I am weak. Or so I thought.
But that's all about to change. August 22 is my funeral pyre, and August 23 is my day to rise again. I am doing this for myself, and not to please anyone else but me because (frankly) I'm beyond that. However, that doesn't mean for a second that I won't feel some twisted satisfaction in keeping the "how" a secret from almost everyone. At least, that's how I feel about it now. What about throwing your picture up on the WWW you ask? Like anybody I know is surfing the fattie rings? HAH! I don't really care if people wonder why I'm getting thinner - my guess is that it will take SO long for people to realize that it's happening that I'll either be comfortable with talking by then OR (this is the evil part of me) I'll just tell them I've been ill and let them draw their own conclusions.
EVERYONE in my life is thin. I am the solitary exception, and I think that if I have to live as the intelligent, funny fat girl for another year then I'd rather just not. Most people would NOT understand, and I frankly don't want to have to explain (justify) myself to them. I have never been able to hide my real feelings (*damn*) so when I feel upset or sad or even just sympathetic, I cry. My children call me "Waterworks", they hand me the kleenex if we watch a movie. I cry buckets, and it's NOT pretty. Some gals get that 'damsel in distress' look that makes everyone want to hold and shelter them - my nose runs, I turn 20 shades of red, I blubber.... people want to run screaming from the psycho when I cry... and it's hard to come across like you've considered all the options and are making a learned choice about something when you look like Baby Huey throwing a fit.
I found the process of getting approved to go quite quickly, but I had a lot of anxiety over it worrying I would get turned down for VBG (Vertical Banded Gastroplasty) because I get a lot of heartburn. I was told I had reflux disorder (HORRIBLE test) years back and I took meds for years, right now I only need them occasionally. I am glad we don't have to pay in Canada and I am thankful that Dr. H can also do the tummy tuck that I am certain to need. I've had 2 children and have been fat so long that I don't think there's ANY elasticity left in this skin.
I don't understand how I can be vain and worry about bat wings, flabby thighs, double chin not going away and my BOOBS! Mostly my boobs. They look like my dear departed Gramma's boobs, the only other person that was heavy in my whole family and she died 20 years ago. After breast feeding a couple of babies and all the weight, my boobs are so gross, I know I'm going to HATE them when I'm thinner and I'll just HAVE to have them fixed.
And THAT scares me too, not the thought that I'll probably have to have some things nipped and tucked, but the fact that I'm already so concerned with it. I read on one website where one gal even had her privates fixed to look nicer, now I'm picturing this saggy little thing down there.... not that I've seen it much in the last decade or so... *grin*
I am funny, friendly, kindhearted, witty and charming. I am talented, I am a leader/organizer, I am a motivator.
I want to add the word "slim" to the list of what I am. I want the word "fat" to be something I trim off my meat and nothing else.
~Navigate Phoenix' Ramblings from the Pull-down Menus~
If you would like to link to WLS Phoenix please feel welcome to use this banner as a click-on link to my URL which is: http://www.angelfire.com/ab3/WLSPhoenix/1.html
