An unnamed ensign enters sickbay with his hands on his stomach. He lays down on a diagnostic bed and says, "Dr. McGoy, I think I've got a ruptured apendix."
McGoy, studying a beaker of fluid, looks irritatingly at him and says, "Take it out yourself! I'm just not interested in trite, hackneyed Earth ailments anymore."
(Sung to the tune of "The Sound of Silence")
MCGOY:
I am a doctor out in space,
And, like, I really groove this place,
Because of all the rare dis-ease-es--
Not like your silly coughs or sneezes!
Treating ail-ments that no man be-fore has seen is real keen.
These are my kinds...of sick-ness!
Observe that crewman rub his leg;
Last week he got the Neptune Plague.
Today his joints are blue and yel-low--
In seven days he'll turn to Jel-lo.
And that last re-main-ing blob I'll an-a-lyze when he dies.
This is my kind...of sick-ness!
When beaming up from Gamma II,
I thought this man had caught the flu.
But then his mouth was growing fangs there
And now from the ceiling he just hangs there
As I sit and lis-ten to his last re-quests, I'll run tests.
There are my kinds...of sick-ness!
Oh what a joy it is to see
Each brand-new unknown mal-a-dy.
These men are plaeding, "Won't you cure us
From what we picked up on Arc-tur-us?"
And with ev-ry dy-ing gurg-gle in their throats I'll make notes.
These are my kinds...of sick-ness.
McGoy, dropping the beaker on the floor, leaves sickbay and heads for the bridge. As he's in the turbolift, he says, "There's only one thing I love better than a space disease, and that's baiting Mr. Schlock." He enters the bridge and heads for Schlock's station, where he asks, "Hey, Schlock! Why does a Vulcan have pointed ears?"
Schlock raises an eyebrow in thought, then replies, "I...I don't know. Why?"
McGoy grins as he answers, "So he can count to twelve." He laughs and leaves the bridge.
Schlock looks as the surgeon leaves, then says, "Another 'Vulcan Joke'. How long must I put up with this mockery? If only these clods knew how a Vulcan really feels..."
(Sung to the tune of "Gentle On My Mind")
SCHLOCK:
It's having pointed ears and hearing crewmen telling Vulcan jokes on ship.
And it's always playing strait-man to McGoy, who thinks I'm something of a freak.
And it's chatting with computers and discovering I bore them and they're only chatting back just to be kind.
And it's reaching the conclusion that I'm looked on as a wierdo and a Vulcan's life is nothing but a grind!
It's having blood that's green and with your stomach situated 'bove your heart.
And it's knowing how to paralyze a Romulon by fingering his neck.
And it's working here with Quirk and all his Earthlings who compared to me are morons of the least developed kind.
And it's reaching the conclusion that they've cast me as a "token" and a Vulcan's life is nothing but a grind!
It's mastering telepathy and knowing what the other crewmen think.
And finding out there's nothing on their minds but sex and making out in space.
And it's having no emotions so I really have no inkling of what "making out" means to the human mind.
And it's reaching the conclusion that I must be missing something as a Vulcan's life is nothing but a grind!
"Sir," Boo-hoo-ra interupted. "I'm picking up faint signals from Planet Pinkus."
Quirk turns to Schlock in his chair. "Any life forms there, Mr. Schlock?"
Schlock leans over his station and reads the sensors. "The computer print-out indicates a rapidly-increasing population existing in a polluted environment in which people settle differences through war, crime, and violence."
"You idiot!" Quirk screams. "You're reading the print-out for Planet Earth!"
Boo-hoo-ra touches the earpice again and says, "I'm getting singing commercials from three different Pinkus Tourist Bureaus..."
"Quick," Quirk orders, "switch on the deep-scanning video screen."
The screen shows three hippies singing as a trio.
(Sung [briefly] to the tune of "Cabaret")
THE THREE HIPPIES:
What good is sitting
Up there in your ship
When you could be our guest?
Beam down to Pinkus West, my friends!
Beam down to Pinkus West!
You'll want to stay in
Our fancy resorts.
You'll say our food's the best!
Beam down to Pinkus West, my friends!
Beam down to Pinkus West!
Come bring your cash
For souvenirs!
Come bring your--
Quirk puts his hands to his ears and says, "Yecch! They're terrible! Let's hear the second group."
The screen shows three men with muscle-covered skulls and eyes in their heads.
(Sung [briefly] to the tune of "Yesterday")
THE THREE SKULLED MEN:
Pinkus East,
That's where budget-conscious spacemen feast;
Where you get the most and spend the least,
So beam on down to Pinkus East!
If you wait,
You may miss our low Off-Season rate;
It's a bargain at $9.98,
So beam on down to--
Qurik shoves cotton balls in his ears and says, "They're even worse! Switch on the third group."
On the viewscreen we see three people who look similar to the Three Stooges.
(Sung [briefly] to the tune of "Blowing In the Wind")
THE THREE STOOGES:
How many spots out in space have hotels that are on the Am-er-i-can Plan?
Yes, how many spots have a bi-nar-y sun where a guy gets a two-sided tan?
Yes, how many spots can you name with great broads that go wild for pointy-eared men?
The answer, my friends, is here on Pinkus South!
The answer is here in Pinkus South!
The transmission ends, and Quirk looks over to Schlock and asks, "Well, Mr. Schlock...?"
Schlock grins very widely and gives his captain the thumbs up. "I don't know about you, but I'm beaming down to Pinkus South!