JOURNAL page 1

Rita aka Spring
Mom/Wife/Granny
Medical Assistant
Phil 4:13
Citizen of Heaven
Washed in His Blood
Filled with His Love
I believe in Angels, they were with me 8/12/2000 (see my son below)
http://www.angelfire.com/ab2/springshome/Joshpics.html
spring-p413@webtv.net

Joshua Paul Cope
July 25, 1979 ~ August 12, 2000
This is page one of my journal scroll down for more. Thanks for visiting Josh and me.

This is my journal as I work through my grief.
This is a mother's worst nightmare... read it all or parts of it...
Please sign my Guestbook in these pages so I will know you remembered Josh with me;
I do not want my son to be forgotten... he was here and his life had meaning and purpose; Granny said it best: "He's a dandy!"
August 24, 2000

I am sitting here after the loss of my son trying to make some sense out of why I am on here, or even breathing for that matter. There is no sense to it all for me. But God knows why. This is a sort of therapy I suppose. I love to type and I am feeling guilty breathing, let alone being on the internet.

It has been just 12 days since the senseless car wreck that took his life from this earth. This is the first time I have been left alone by well meaning friends and loved ones. I know they are worried about me but I need some time alone, ya know? I cannot describe the empty feeling or the pain I am having deep in my gut. I know God is with me and the Holy Spirit is all around me for He is the Great Comfortor ~ that is His job and I need to feel His presence without all the commotion and noise. Jesus loves me and He loves Josh even more than I do. My mind cannot comprehend that in it's earthly state but I know it is so.

I miss Josh so very much and I can't even imagine how I am going to go the rest of my life without seeing his smile and hearing his voice. Josh you were so young and so full of life. You are walking the streets of gold now; and I know this to be true as he was a believer in Jesus Christ and just days before this car wreck I asked him if he was sure he was saved. He said yes; also that he talked with God at great length every night.

Josh was battling alcohol and he told me he spoke with God at great length about his drinking and asked God not to give up on him but to help him. God is not a liar and He says in His word He will never leave nor forsake us. Josh was doing better but the battle wasn't yet won.

It is now.

I know there are those that are of the belief that God turns you totally around upon salvation... but that isn't so for everyone. We are saved through grace; some make a complete turnaround and for others it is a slower process of sanctification. And truth be known, the ones that claim a complete victory over addiction I say "PRAISE THE LORD". But for the ones still struggling... know this... God loves you even in your addiction and there are those well meaning Christians that will say you can't be saved and still have this affliction. This isn't true. If you have truly accepted Jesus as your Saviour and you know whether you have or not... He will help you. But you have to want help from Him. You have to seek His face through prayer. Read the bible and if you have trouble understanding some of it, (I do and I know I am saved) then read some good Christian books (and these need to be checked out by who wrote them, there are some false doctrines out there, so always check it out with the Holy Spirit and don't go with every wind of doctrine) The true Word is very simple. Simple enough for a child to understand. Don't complicate it. Just believe that you are a sinner and believe in your heart that Jesus died for you and thou shalt be saved. Confess with thy mouth that you believe this. You are still gonna sin but when you realize you have, confess it. And if you die before you have confessed a sin that doesn't mean you have lost your salvation! There is nobody and I mean nobody that goes through a day without sinning! If they say they have, they are lying to themselves and to God. (i.e. gossip, anger, impure thoughts, selfishness... well you name it...fill in your own)

August 25, 2000

I haven't been online much lately. The few times in the last few days I have been online has been just to keep my mind occupied, I haven't been answering any e-mails. I really do need to send out some thank you's to some.

This is what I know so far about what happened... My son was killed in a car wreck 2 weeks ago today. He was buried 1 week ago Thursday. His friend was bringing him home from a birthday party and side swiped 2 poles and hit a tree head on on the passenger side. Josh's friend David was thrown into the back seat and Josh was thrown from the car (out the passenger window) I don't know how his 6 ft frame got thru the window but the sheriff said it was from centrifical force of the head on hit and then the car spun around. He believes Josh was limp from being asleep or passed out. I hope so. I don't want to think of my baby being scared or in pain. The sheriff doesn't think he knew what hit. But how does he really know?

I thought I have known grief but didn't have a clue what it really was. Josh was so full of life and was such a neat kid. His funeral testified to that. There were so many kids and such a diversity of them that the funeral director panicked and called me aside to say he was going to get some security just in case. What an idiot! I just sweetly smiled thru my tears and told him he would have egg on his face because he would see these are really a great bunch of kids and respectful as well.

I knew Josh had many friends but even I was floored by the numbers. Most furnerals today are 1 day showing and services the next and some in the same day. I had 2 days showing services on the 3rd and am getting calls and kids coming to the door that just found out or still didn't know. One kid yesterday came to see if he was home and almost passed out - not making this any easier for me.

His funeral and gravesite services were something you would see for someone famous. The procession to the cemetary was so long you couldn't see the end of it.

He told me he was gonna be famous one day .... they had a music studio they built in a friends garage and that is where he spent most of his time. Some of the kids at the funeral said they didn't know him well but was just getting to know him and he was so talented and smart.

I was told he had a superior IQ from a couple of his counselors at school and his teachers. They were there too. His 5th grade teacher brought something he had written with her. It had been hanging on the school counselors wall. He had problems in school but he couldn't stand injustice and was very outspoken and would get angry which got him into trouble a lot. But they liked him. He did get control of his anger as he matured.

I haven't had a minutes peace and quiet by well meaning friends and family. I know they are worried about me but I feel smothered by them. I have a very strong faith in Jesus Christ and I know God is on the throne. My life isn't perfect by no stretch of the imagination but I believe in the God of the Holy Bible. I don't know why this is happening and I have never felt such pain and grief. God is in control, I just don't know why He thinks I can handle this. I'm not sure I can. I don't know why this seems to help but I have always loved to write and I love to type .... and I just need to vent some.

Josh was also scheduled to take a GED test on the days of the showings. He has now got his diploma. One so called christian that was there said "he sure had a lot of friends for a HS dropout".

I saw a bumper sticker on someones car a while back that angered me but now I think I know the meaning of it. It said Lord protect me from your people! Now looking back on it I don't think this person was being blasphemous just honest. Some christians don't even know what it really means to be one. I am not being bitter just don't want to become one of those judgemental types.

I truly thank all for the blanket of prayer they have put over me and my family. I am having a difficult time, even though I know he was saved. Despite the fact he was drinking God didn't say I'll save you and if you mess up sorry 'bout your luck! If that was the case we are all in big trouble. I know I am, if that were the case. But it isn't the case PRAISE GOD!!

August 26, 2000

Well I went to the hospital to see David today. Stopped to get him a gift and card to take with me. It was time to go see him. I should have went sooner than this. He must be feeling scared. I don't know him all that well but he was always polite to me when he was here with Josh. He has to be scared and feeling guilty as well. I cried all the way there because I felt I should have been going to see my boy too. He could have been just injured instead of dead. I could have lived with that. I would have taken him any way I could get him.

New emotion for me hit hard. Anger. Not so much at David, just the whole damn thing. David had been released yesterday to go home. I am not sorry he was doing well enough to go home. Just sorry my baby wasn't able to be home with me.

I prayed and then went by the studio and that was real hard. A couple of Josh's friends were there and they hugged me. We talked about Josh for awhile and they told me some nice stories and some funny ones. These kids are really great and they feel the void and are gonna miss him.

I gave David's gifts to Seanee-D (as they call him) to take to David. I wasn't sure where David's house was. He lives with his grandparents that I know. (don't know anything about why he lives with them though, maybe something else to ponder about for this kid). I told him to tell David to call me if he wants to talk or see me. I knew I should have visited him in the hospital earlier to break the ice. I did call him even before the funeral to tell him I don't hate him or blame him for Josh's death. But it does hurt like hell. And I don't like to use the word hell loosely but right now it is the only word that seems to fit my feelings. God please forgive me and understand (and I know you do). I am trying so hard not to feel angry at You God, but right now this minute... I kinda do.

August 27,2000 6:00 AM

Well here I sit. Been up all night reading on grief. Trying to keep my mind busy because thinking is my worst enemy right now.

I answered a couple e-mails to thank them for support and prayer. I even e-mailed a stranger that has lost 2 kids by a car accident while viewing his page.

I know I should be crying out to God right now and I have been praying but not lamentating to Him. I just can't seem to do anything but cry and beg for... I don't know... I suppose I want God to come down or send a messanger with a message from my baby.

I do believe He did that the night of the accident but I was unaware of this until later. Please Father forgive me for my weakness right now and my lack of faith

I do have faith but the pain I am feeling is getting in the way.

August 28, 2000 2:45 am

I have cried most on and off today. I cannot find any sense to any of this. I feel like I am having a nightmare and can't wake up. Praying does help but makes me cry even more.

Got an answer from John the man that lost 2 children in a senseless car wreck. He also signed my guestbook and suggested a good book to read on Heaven. He really knows how I feel. And so does Jesus.

August 29, 2000

We took in a stray cat a few months back and Josh complained about it because we already have 2 cats and a dog and he was always having to clean hair off his clothes before going anywhere. But he said wouldn't it be neat if she had them on the 4th of July and we could name them Freedom, Independence, Firecracker, etc.

Well they were born on the 4th of July and Josh was more excited about them then he let on. He kept saying he couldn't wait until they were real playful. They were getting there before he left. But it was about a week after he died that they really got active. They were sick though. We lost one at 3 weeks and another during Josh's showing at 6 weeks. I took them to the vet and they had to be put to sleep, with the mother. They had feline leukemia and there is a danger that they have infected my other cats. I have had these other 2 for 11 and 12 years. I must get them tested.

I wouldn't have had them put to sleep but it was recommended by the vet. The momma cat acted sick and one of the babies had enlarged lympnodes everywhere. And in view of the other 2 dying...

I am an animal lover but this pales in comparison to my loss right now. My daughter tried not to cry for fear it was irreverant to her brother. I told her it was ok but she still fought it.

August 31, 2000 1:30 PM

It's getting harder instead of easier it seems. It has only been 18 days since they were banging on my door to give me the tragic news. Everybody keeps telling me I need to go back to work.

If someone has surgery they are off work for awhile. Well in my opinon, this is worse than any type of surgery. I feel like my heart has been cut out. And a part of it has.

I went into Josh's room last night and layed on his bed and cried for a long time. I just wanted to smell his pillow where he layed his head. I hugged the comforter on his bed to me and wished with all my heart it was him I was hugging.

Last night I also read a book called Within Heavens Gates. I don't usually read these books on people supposedly going into heaven and getting a vision of it and coming back. But right now I am grasping at anything, I guess.

I have many times in the last 18 days tried to imagine how Josh left his body and entered into heaven. I do believe this is what happens ... I just don't know exactly the process of how it happens. And I think it is ok to try to invision it. And however we invision it.... it can't come close to how wonderful it really is.

I called work yesterday... I may try to go back in a week (maybe Sept. 11).

All I really want to do is nothing.

My daughter is due to have her baby (baby Josh) in 2 more months. She needs me. I need to try to function I suppose. She hasn't left my side since this has happened. She is a special daughter and sister.

SEPTEMBER 1, 2000 4:30 AM

I have went all week without taking a nerve pill, prescribed to me by my doctor. It was a great help during the first week. I think I would have not slept at all. But tonight... I took half of one to stop an anxiety attack that was near the surface.

Two of Josh's friends stopped by last night, they are so sweet to check on me. They had a tape for me to listen to... one of the first ones they recorded. I couldn't listen to it. Not yet. They played a tape of him singing at the fruneral and I just don't think I can do it again yet. His friends left it with me for when I am ready. I will have it copied.

I have cried until I feel sick and weak.

I look at the long, long days ahead and feel so scared. They say it will get worse before it gets better. And when I think of all the years ahead without him I just don't know how God expects me to handle this, without losing my mind. I am very thankful for my other children or else .... I think I would see no reason to go on.

SEPTEMBER 1, 2000 10:00 PM

Today Dawn and Jeremiah came over with little Jacob. Josh had just said before his accident he needed to get over there and see their baby. Dawn took this pretty hard and still is. I saw her walk by his picture and lovingly touch it. She said she wished they had "hung out more together after they were older". She was feeling like she missed out after seeing all his friends and the things they were saying at the funeral. My little niece is taking this hard too.

I just came in from running to the gas station. Just as I was leaving some young man yelled my name and asked if he could speak to me. He was pumping some gas and as I walked up to him; he wanted to know if it was true about Josh. He said he had just gotten back in town and had seen Josh before he left and had bought some cologne from him and that he seemed excited about this new job of sales. He wanted to know when this happened and he was sick about it. He was very saddened by the news. He also asked how I was holding up.

To tell you the truth, I don't know. I have been in denial a little today, pretending you are just at the studio. (I'm not loosing it), just trying to get through today. Meeting this kid has made it all too real and fresh again. I guess because I had to tell him what happened. But he didn't ask much. He saw the tears coming and I don't think he wanted to deal with that. He just hugged me and said I was in his prayers.

I started talking to Josh and telling him it is just amazing how many people he knew and the way they all talk about him. I knew how wonderful you are; and now I am finding out how much everybody else knew it too.I was pretending he was sitting beside me in the car. (maybe I am going nuts)

God, my heart is breaking!

A moment of comfort came today while working on my webpages. I was thinking about you and scanning the bible. John 4:10 spoke to my heart. Just like when granny was buried and that scripture on the stone by where she is buried spoke to me. The statue of Jesus and the woman at the well is also there close by your graves. It is a lovely sculpture.

But what I felt God said to me in that moment, eased my pain a little for the moment. And this is gonna be a moment by moment journey through life without you.

Jodi left for church camp for the weekend; this is the first time I have been alone in the house. She wanted to go but was worried about me being alone. I am too that is why I am on here.

I would never do anything stupid. I do have a level head and faith in God.... guess I am not alone after all!

I can't sing my daughter's praises enough on how she is being here for me. What a kid! And my oldest son checks in with me all the time to let me know he is safe. God, you really did give me some precious gifts. I just wish I could have kept Josh with us too. Jimmy misses his karate kicks to the gut. And I think Jodi just may miss their discussions. We just miss him! And it hurts!

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