JOURNAL
I have been having some very difficult days with the holidays... and some okay days. I try to imagine throughout the day what Josh is doing at any given moment. I sure wish I could see him. After we came home from the cemetary we lit candles and had quiet time looking at Joshua's picture and reflecting on all the memories. This day was also National Memorial day for all the children that have died and people were asked to light a candle at 7pm in each time zone all around the world. We had several candles burning at 7pm for Josh and for all the grieving parents around the world.
I can't believe this is December already. The end of 2000.
This year has brought much sadness for me. And much joy.
The sadness does much battle with the joy.
In this year my daughter graduated from highschool; I felt much joy and was so happy and proud.
Two months later in this year my son died; I feel excrutiating grief and pain.
Three months later in this year my daughter gave birth to a son and named him after my son; I feel much joy.
Joy ~ grief ~ death ~ birth ~ this is life. This is hard.
I feel like I am on a rollercoaster of emotions. I feel dizzy from it.
I FEEL.
And it hurts. Then it feels good. And then it hurts some more. On and on it goes and where it stops only God knows.
I feel fear. I fear death. Not of my death but of someone else I love. A Christian isn't supposed to feel fear.
I want my son back and I know that isn't going to happen in this life.
I miss him. I miss him. I miss him.
I have been real busy lately with work and my new little grandbaby, but not a minute of my day has gone by without Joshua in the foremost of my mind.
We went to the cemetary on Dec. 10th for a candle lighting . The roads of the cemetary were lined with luminaries and as you went in each person took one for your loved ones grave. It was from 4pm to 8pm. We got there around 5:15 and someone had already been there, Josh had 3 candles burning on his grave. Mom, my granddaughter Rachael, my daughter and the baby all went in mom's car. My brother and his wife and 2 kids met us there. We all placed luminaries on his grave and on Granny's grave too. Josh is right next to his beloved Granny. We also placed one on my stepdad's fathers grave.. and my ex-husband has 3 family members buried there too. We visited and placed luminaries on their graves as well.
It was very beautiful there after dark and there were a lot of families placing luminaries on their loved ones graves.
I have always had a fascination with graveyards because they will rise first when the King of Kings comes for his Church. I would love to be standing by my son's grave if this happens in my lifetime. I know this is confusing to some people. And this particular bible passage is why some believe in soul sleeping.
When we die, I believe we are absent from the body and present with the Lord, and we have a Heavenly body. After Christ comes the dead in Christ shall rise and be joined with their bodies and then have a glorified body. Awesome! Come quickly Lord Jesus.
Lord, thank you for coming to this earth to sacrifice Yourself for our sins so we may spend eternity with You. I thank You for conquering death and that because of this my son lives and I will see him again and live in peace and happiness for all eternity. I miss him now but this life is so short compared to eternity. I try to reflect on this daily. Please don't let me forget the sound of his beautiful voice the radiance of his smile until I can see and hear him again with my own eyes and ears. Eyes and ears that will be perfected in Glory.
In Jesus name... Amen
Today.. was rough! I had decided not to do any Christmas shopping this year at all. But my conscience got the better of me and I thought of my 2 little granddaughters and I also new Josh would want me to get them Christmas.
So off to the mall I went. With a friend, my daughter, baby Josh and baby Josh's daddy.. who was also a long time friend of Joshua.
But first, we went out to eat, this went well. Then to the bank and I wanted to go pay on my cemetary plots and visit Josh and Granny's graves first. Sounded like a good plan to me. Of course I think it was the coldest day this year. Single digits and snowing, windchill below zero.
But the mood was pretty good.
At the cemetary I went in and paid for the plots I bought when Josh died. I bought his and 3 more. All lined in a row. There is my step-dad's fathers grave, then 2 graves mom and he bought for themselves, then Granny, then Josh and then 3 that I bought.
Anyway got off track with that.. we then went to the gravesites. The snow where they had plowed the road was pretty deep to cross. I sank almost to my knees, but onward we trod (with me almost falling down a couple times). Jodi stayed in the car with the baby as it was far too cold for him to be out trudging in the cold and snow with us. (If we had dropped him, we wouldn't have found him 'till spring :-) ). So mom and baby stayed in the toasty warm car.
James hadn't been to Josh's grave since the burial so he hadn't seen the stone. The cemetary has all pillow stones so when you look out across at the decorated graves it looks like a garden. Nice concept I guess. (there I go again.. off the beaten path)
So we get to the graves and they are covered with snow and you can't see them (and it is cold brrrr!). My friend bends down and wipes the snow off the stones and we stood gazing at them for a few minutes. Then I said "Merry Christmas baby" and that is all she wrote! Out of nowhere and completely unexpected, I got hysterical. And I was pretty loud about it. I cried all the way back to the car pretty uncontrollably, my friend handed me a hanky to blow my nose (I think I needed an ice pic) and then we headed out for the mall, with me crying and jabbering at the same time.
I finally got control and we continued on toward the mall. I was kind of meloncholy I guess. I was battling some more tears on the rest of the drive.
And the rest of the day. I am exhausted but now can't sleep either.
I just finished feeding the baby his bottle and he is sleeping soundly as I type this. Jodi and Jimmy are upstairs sleeping so it is just me here now with my thoughts.
Thoughts of you Joshua, my son. It is Christmas time, I miss you so terribly, terribly much!!
I know you are spending your first Christmas with Jesus this year. And I know it is a whole lot different there and so much better.I am sure there is a lot of PRAISING the Christ, the son of God, our savior.
And you are realizing how horribly commercial Christmas has gotten here. And it is probably a sad revelation too, how many people have forgotten the true meaning of Christmas And you are probably thinking "Wow, mom, you should see this!"
I will son. In due time... the Lord's time.
What a day.. glad it is over and I am also glad I went.
Death is nothing at all.
I have only slipped away into the next room.
I am I, and you are you.
Whatever we were to each other, that we still are.
Call me by my old familiar name, speak to me in the easy way which you always used.
Put no difference in your tone, wear no forced air of solemnity or sorrow.
Laugh as we always laughed at the little jokes we enjoyed together.
Let my name be ever the household word that it always was, let it be spoken without effort, without the trace of a shadow on it.
Life means all that it ever meant.
It is the same as it ever was; there is unbroken continuity.
Why should I be out of mind because I am out of sight?
I am waiting for you, for an interval, somewhere very near, just around the corner.
All is well".
Well here I am... Christmas eve.. and without Josh. Boy this is so hard!!!!!
I went to my brothers house for a little food tonight. They had just came home from church; they had invited me to church with them but I didn't go. (should have though) Jack came over and we were gonna go get something to eat but with it being Christmas eve everything was closed or getting ready to close. So off to visit my bro and his wife and kids. Mom was there and so was Amberly's mom. (Amberly being my bro's wife) Jodi was with James at his grandmothers and then gonna go by and see her and Josh's dad. (He got the baby 25 dollars worth of the new gold $1.00 coins and a couple outfits.) Jimmy was at Tonya's moms (also a friend of mine for many years)
I had to go to the hospital ER last night due to my back. I don't know what I did but I have extreme pain in my left lower back. I don't normally go to the hospital but couldn't wait till Tuesday when the doctor was in. I could barely walk and the pain was excrutiating! They ruled out kidney infection and didn't really think it was a stone either (don't know how they knew this ~ no x-rays done) but they knew I was in severe pain. I couldn't move. They gave me a shot of demoral and a script for vicodin. The demoral knocked me out. And it eased the pain. They also told me I would have to call for a ride due to the pain med. But I slept about 45 minutes while they ran my urine culture. When the doc woke me and said no infection and did I have a ride, I fibbed and said yes so they released me. I could have called someone to come and get me but didn't want to wait. So I drove. (dumb move but I made it home) I slept a lot all day due to the shot I think. Now it has wore off and my pain is real bad again ~ don't know what I have done to my back. But it sure hurts! If I step wrong I almost fall down and pain shoots like a knife in my back and down my hip and left leg. (maybe sciatica)
Well gotta sleep again because I just took a vicodin and it is hitting me.
Hey this may be a help to get thru the day tomorrow... just sleep. It sucks being without Josh on this holiday.
Well... here it is. I would be getting ready to wake up the kids about now. Josh ain't here and there isn't a tree so I am going to just sit here in the quiet and think of Joshua and how he may be spending his first Christmas with Jesus. Bet it is awesome for him being in the presence face to face with God Almighty!!!
Later my oldest son and his girlfriend will be here and I have them some gifts to open. Jodi already has hers.. she picked it out and she is already using it. I don't have anything for her to open but she doesn't really feel in the mood either.
In years past I would be up all night getting things ready. I still put from santa on the gift tags even though they were grown up kids. Jodi would be arranging and re-arranging the presents under the tree ~ it had to be perfect. And I always made sure they had the same amount to open.
Then I laid down for just a little while before they tore into them. When they were little... they got me up. As they got older.. I had to wake them up. Today.... well I will just wait until Jodi gets up on her own or Jim and Tonya get here. It just isn't the same without Josh!
Next year might be a little better and if it isn't I am going to have to fake it for baby Josh's sake. He won't be very old yet but a little over a year.. so the Christmas after that he may enjoy even more. Maybe by than I will be better.
This just doesn't seem right to me. IT ISN'T RIGHT!!!!
We will be going to mom's later today to spend it with family... with one missing. One missing and two new members. Jacob and Joshua. Jake 6 months and Josh 7 weeks old. I am so glad we have them!!!
Well my back is still killing me and I can't move well. Sure wish I knew what I did to my back and how long it is going to be like this. I will go to the doctor Tuesday when he is in. I may need it x-rayed. With the way things have been going for me I'll probably end up in a wheel chair! Wouldn't surprise me any!
Went to put a wreath on Joshua's cross (where the wreck happened) but someone had put something better there... a santa hat and some candy canes. It is cute! Mom put flowers there last week and someone took them. I told mom maybe the wind did it and she said she put them in the ground far enough they would not have blown away. Some people are so cold hearted!
Well better get things ready for Jim and Tonya. I haven't even wrapped their gifts. I'm such a scrooge this year.
First going to read a little of my bilble and pray. And then reflect on Joshua
Toodles for now
Well, it is over. My first Christmas without him. Joshua Paul Cope.... spent his first Christmas in Heaven.
I bet it was glorious for him. Mine was pretty quiet. We didn't do the usual things. No tree... no decorations... just a few presents.
Didn't even go to mom's until late in the afternoon. I slept most of the day, even at mom's. I did take advantage of her whirlpool bathtub because of my back. Sharp pains in my back and down left side, still, ever since Friday. You would have thought they would have at least given me some x-rays to see what the problem could be in ER.
I am in the medical field and I am here to tell you... it is awful how it is run anymore. It is the fault of abuse and the insurance companies ruling everything now days. But when a person is in pain and the doctor isn't in what else are you supposed to do? But go to the ER? I did call the doc on call first and was sent there. But they didn't do anything but give me a pain shot and told me not to drive... they released me without checking to see if I was driving or had a ride though!
Now don't get me wrong, I was grateful for the pain shot but I felt they should have checked me out to see what was wrong before masking the pain! Oh well... such is life... makes me wonder what kind of care my son got when he got to the ER the night of his accident. Hopefully being as his was severe, he got good care but who is too really know?
Christmas at mom's was different this year too, my sister didn't show up and neither did my one brother. I couldn't believe it. I know mom was hurt by them not showing up. She has been through so much this past year!
But I tried to just not think about much and mom and I talked some about Josh and how he was having a better and more glorious Christmas than ever before.
I slept and ate and blanked out my mind. There was a lot of commotion so it was okay for me to slip off and sleep awhile. I felt the absence of my son all day long but handled it well.
My grandbaby is helping fill the void and keeping me pretty busy. He cannot replace Josh but he soothes the pain some. He keeps my mind occupied. Little babies are pretty demanding! To be so little and helpless they can sure pull the strings and make ya jump to their command! LOL
I miss you Josh...
You'll always be my child - I think of you each day,
Even though you must remain so very far away.
A love as strong as this, I've never felt before:
But you had to go away - up through heaven's door.
You'll never have to suffer, or feel pain or hate, just peace and love and happiness - God has given you this fate.
I hope that you can feel just how much I care;
And when my days are over, in a flash - I will be there.
Pure unbounding joy!
We'll never have to part.
You'll be right by my side - And not just in my heart.
But, until that day, when my dream is real - I think I understand, just how I should feel.....
"Mom, I am fine!"
this must be what you would say - "Please don't be so sad, we'll meet again one day.
I'm with God above - so don't cry for me.
Our parting is but a moment compared to eternity."
Today has been a horrible day! First I stayed up all night surfing the web (which was stupid), second my back is still killing me, third due to being tired and hurting and my nerves being frayed I haven't been able to handle my grief over Josh very well.
I have been eating everything in sight (why I can't be the kind that doesn't eat when upset? More reason for my pity~party) and I've been crying like crazy... feeling so lost and alone and so darn helpless. I know being tired and in pain isn't helping anything and is probably making me even more weepy and feeling so sorry for myself. And.... doubting my faith. I know what I believe and I am so glad faith is based on facts and not feelings becasue my feelings right now are so~so~so low. I am feeling so sorry for myself I am glad I don't have suicidal tendencies. Because this old world is so cruel and cold and scary.
And I am scared.
I miss my baby.