I read something tonight called The Long Road. I see a very long road ahead of me. Tonight is the first time I have been totally alone in the house. Completely alone with my thoughts. And I got scared. I started to cry; hard crying, the gut renching type of sobs that rack the whole body. I found something of Josh's on the table and just lost total control. I wish my kids were home. I wish Josh was home. With me Lord. I know he is home with you. And I also know this is selfish on my part. But right now I feel selfish! I know you are here Lord but right now I feel so alone. And I can't help it. It feels like I will surely die but I know I am living and breathing. And I want to live and I feel guilty for that. I want to see my daughter's baby and I want to help her like granny helped me. But I feel guilty wanting to live. Explain it to me please. If I could just see his smiling face maybe I would feel better. Ahh yes, but that isn't what faith is all about is it? I'm sorry ~ I am not feeling very good about it right now. I feel like my faith has lost me a son. But I; in the deepest recesses of my soul, know this isn't true. But I am having trouble tapping into those resources right now. God, I didn't choose this road to walk. You gave it to me. Or somebody did because I didn't want it. I know you were nailed to the cross for me, personally, I don't fully understand it, but I believe it I want to look up into your gentle face and know all is well. I know I will be scarred for life; if this wound ever heals. I have to remember you were scarred for me and for Josh. Give me your hand precious Lord and walk this road with me. Don't let my faith falter. Lord help me Jesus, I need you so much during this time. I miss my boy. SEPTEMBER 3, 2000...2:00 PM I was riding in a car yesterday, and normally when I ride with this particular person I am constantly being a "BACK SEAT DRIVER"; but not so this time. I kept thinking if we wreck... maybe I will know better what my son felt during his. (Sick? Maybe.) I just can't stop trying to visualize it all. How the wreck happened and how he went out the window. They said he was killed by blunt force. To the chest? The head? I haven't read the medical report or police report yet. But I want them. I don't know if this will help or hinder me. But I have this compulsion to read them. When daylight broke the day they came banging on my door; I had to go to the scene of the accident. I searched all over for something of his. His pager, or the cross he wore around his neck. And the place on the street where he was laying I wanted to touch. (Traffic wouldn't allow this though) But that was my baby's blood on the street and I wanted to touch it. I think Jack is getting frustrated with me. He wants to help; but there is nothing he can do but just be there. I don't want to go anywhere. I don't want to see people. He took his vacation the following week after the funeral and I know he wanted to "take me away for awhile". But he just sat around and tried to be of help to me, doing dishes, trying to feed me, etc. And now it is labor day weekend and the same thing. Right after the funeral he asked me to marry him. I told him it was poor timing and "not now please". Bless his heart, he didn't mean to be disrespectful, just wants to take care of me. I just feel right now I need to draw from God's strength and I am having difficulty doing that. Not because He isn't here; but because I am not most of the time. I should be going to Him in prayer and supplication and reading my bible more instead of being on here. Jesus is calling my name and I am saying "in a minute Lord". I think He knows I am angry at Him. I told Him this too. But I also told Him I trust Him. I do read and pray but at the moment I am having much difficulty because I feel some sort of guilt for all of it. Jesus I have prayed to be on higher ground with you but is this the way You work? I am scared. Very scared. He is calling now so I am going to answer Him and go to Him. I don't want to keep Him waiting today... SEPTEMBER 5, 2000...12:00 PM Well last night was another rough one. I spoke with David again. It is uncomfortable talking to him because I don't know what to say and he doesn't either. He seems busy trying to convince me how hurt he is, and he could have been killed too. And I know he is hurt.. but my son is dead not just hurt. If he would say.... maybe how sorry he is? I don't know. But it bothers me some. I know he is scared and maybe afraid to talk about it to me. But it would help. His girlfriend seems more upset than he does about it. But again... he is scared I guess. He did tell me he has cried a lot... but he didn't say about Josh or hasn't even mentioned his name. Maybe he can't right now, but it hurts me. I think at one point he did say Josh was a super person, I think anyway. (after I said it hurts not to see him and I am having a hard time) David is facing charges and I don't know if they have told him this or not. But his grandmother knows it and so does his girlfriend. And I have nothing to do with that, it is the state. His blood alcohol was (point).17 I was told. Legally drunk is (point).1, in other states it is (point).08 - and I don't know if he was under the influence of anything else or not. I did find out something interesting and painful.. the whole conversation was painful... he and his girlfriend were fighting that night. And he had taken off in anger in his car and she chased him in hers. But lost him. So she went home and he went back to the party. So it makes me understand why he was maybe going so fast from the point of starting to the point of the accident. I am trying hard not to get angry here but it is becoming hard for me. Especially if my son is dead because David was angry about his girlfriend or about bringing Josh home. BECAUSE I WOULD HAVE WENT AFTER HIM!! I PICKED HIM AND DAVID BOTH UP BEFORE!!! This is gonna get worse I am afraid. David also said he went to see the car and when he described it and said I didn't want to see it... I really felt sick. Most of the damage must have been on Josh's side. He said it looked liked someone just stepped on it and crunched it. Josh's side was all smashed. Dear God, how am I gonna do this? The anger is coming and I don't know how to stop it! He Only Took My Hand
(author unknown - edited by me)
Joshua Paul Cope
Last night while I was trying to sleep, SEPTEMBER 16, 2000 Well... haven't written in my journal for a while. Haven't had the heart to do too much of anything. This is a cold cruel world in which we live..... I know Josh is in a happier atmosphere right now and wouldn't come back to this old place if he could. Kind of makes a person anxious to go. I think yesterday was the hardest day so far. I had to hold in all my emotions to get thru work and it finally caught up with me yesterday. I took a xanax because I was starting to loose complete control. Jack took me and Jodi to Lone Star steakhouse and I felt like screaming and thought I was going to but the xanax helped keep me from embarassing them. But the tears flowed. I kept remembering when Josh was with us and he should have been last night. It was also Friday and I have a hard time with Fridays. It was 5 weeks ago they knocked on my door and I kept reliving it and do every Friday night. When it starts rolling around to midnight.... I start picturing him and what was about to happen to him. I love you Josh and miss you. POEM author unkown to me LORD, IF YOU WANT ME TO....... The pathway is broken SEPTEMBER 28, 2000 Not writing much lately. Don't seem to have the energy. We lost our cat Spooky yesterday. He had just turned 13. Josh liked Spooky because he was more like a dog than a cat. Very smart, obeyed commands like a dog. It was upsetting but paled in comparison to my sweet Josh. I would give a hundred Spooky's for my son. But I suppose it is ok to be upset... Spook was part of the family and he deserves something from me I guess in the way of sorrow. But it is hard to give. It just seems death is all around me and I am getting scared of what is gonna happen next and to whom. I haven't heard much from Josh's friends lately. Everybody is busy getting on with life. I do know they think of him often. I hope they continue to remember. sent to me by a friend (thanks lee) I'm Still Here I cannot ease your aching heart,
Nor take your pain away;
But let me stay and take your hand
And walk with you today.
I'll listen when you need to talk,
I'll wipe away your tears;
I'll share your worries when they come,
I'll help you face your fears.
I'm here and I will stand by you,
on each hill you have to climb;
So take my hand, let's face the world ... And live just one day at a time.
You're not alone, for I'm still here,
I'll go that extra mile;
And when your grief is easier,
I'll help you learn to smile!
~~Author Unknown~~
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July 25, 1979 - August 12, 2000
My son's voice I did hear
I opened my eyes and looked around,
But he did not appear.
He said:"Mom you've got to listen,
You've got to understand
God didn't take me from you, mom
He only took my hand.
When I called out in pain that night,
The instant that I died,
He reached down and took my hand,
And pulled me to His side.
He pulled me up and saved me
From the misery and the pain.
My body was hurt so badly inside,
I could never be the same.
My search is really over now,
I've found happiness within,
All the answers to my dreams
And all that might have been.
I love you all and miss you so,
And I'll always be nearby.
My earthly body's gone from this earth,
But I will never die!
And so, you must all go on now,
Live one day at a time.
Just understand-
God did not take me from you,
He only took my hand.
Had to go back to work this past week. My sick leave ran out and the bills keep coming.
Seems unfair.... I lost my son.... carried him 9 months and lived with and cared for him for 21 years and they expect me to go on with life like nothing has happened to me after only 4 short weeks. I find it unbelieveable and I resent it. My work only gave me one day grievance pay.
And the signs are unclear
And I don't know the reason why You brought me here
But just because You love me the way that You do I'm gonna walk through the valley
If You want me to...
'Cause I'm not who I was
when I took my first step
And I'm clinging to the promise You're not through with me yet
So if all of these trials bring me closer to You
Then I will go through the fire
If You want me to...
It may not be the way I would have chosen... when You lead me through a world that's not my home
But You never said it would be easy
You only said I'll never go alone
So when the whole world turns against me, And I'm all by myself
And I can't hear You answer my cries for help
I'll remember the suffering Your love put You through And I will go through the valley
If you want me to...
"I'll go where You want me to go, dear Lord, Over mountain, plain or sea.
I'll say what You want me to say, dear Lord, I'll be what You want me to be."
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