It has been five years without you here on this earth Josh. There have been ups and downs with many changes in my life since you left. Not a day goes by that you are not on my mind. I think of you every day of my life.
The cross at your accident site is now gone. I don't know who removed it. It did need some work for upkeep. I sure do wish I knew who took it as I would love to have it. I think we are going to replace it with another one.
I have managed to survive your death. Not that I have always wanted to. I am so afraid if I don't grieve constantly I am not being a good mother. I worry that I am not grieving enough. I feel like a bad mom because your cross came up missing. I literally wear myself out with these thoughts.
I miss you terribly. Part of me feels some relief that you won't have to struggle in this life. And then I feel guilty for those thoughts. Not sure if relief is the right word. Maybe a better word is safe. I feel safe in the knowledge that you are safe from any harm now.
I worried about you so much and worried about your future. I just wish we could have a chat now. Now that you are in the most wonderful place. I know I will see you soon. In the meantime I need to start focusing on Jimmy and Jodi and their babies. Their babies have been the only thing that has helped me through these past 5 years.
Little Josh is the salve I needed after you died. He saved my sanity. And then came Alexis and then Joey. What a joy they are to me.
I sure hope God has let you see them through the portals of Heaven's windows once in awhile.
I watch them play and I can just imagine how you would react to them. I know you would relate to Josh and Joe. You could sure have taught them a lot.
I miss you son. I love you. Talk to ya soon.
January 2,2006...11:00am
My Dear Sweet Josh, Another year has passed. It is now 2006 here on earth. I know in Heaven there is no time. Ringing in the New Year for a grieving mom is a hard thing to do. The first couple were the very hardest. A grieving mom feels like she is leaving their child behind. Going into a new year without them. But we are not. You come with me. I know this now. But for the newly bereaved, someone really should warn them. The first couple times is so rough. You want to scream "stop the clock!"... You somewhat expect the birthdays, Heaven days, holidays to be hard; what you don't expect is how you are going to react to the new year being rang in with your child gone. It is a shocking, terrifying event and you feel so helpless again. Much like the way you felt when you lost your child. It brings it all back with a force you don't really expect. It gets softer. You learn on this grief road of ups and downs. You learn to carry your grief in a different way. Like a soldier marching on the field of battle. We battle the grief monster every day. Sometimes we win the battle and sometimes we don't. But with God's help.... we will win the war. We are surrounded by God's angels. Praying daily for strength.
GOD IS GOOD even in this evil world.
I love you Josh and we all miss you so much.
Mom
July 15, 2006.. 2:45am
For updates lately click link ..... just not up to updating both journals for now, but will add here in future.... click here thanks
November 26, 2006 12:14pm
Thanksgving has come and gone. The sixth one without Josh here with us. I am still battling Hep C with maintenance meds... may be doing a high dose again after the first of the year, just not sure yet. If it makes me real sick, I may just stop it all and let God handle it. Sometimes quality is better than quantity of life. We are in the process of buying a house. I have never bougt a house before. Would like to be able to enjoy it for a several years. The dogs and grandkids will have a yard to play in!
In the past few years there has been a lot of deaths of people I know. I just found out about one at Thanksgiving dinner - her name was Phyllis. She was 57 years old. Cancer. I was shocked to hear it... sad I didn't know before hand as I would have wanted to attend the funeral. Last time I saw her was about a year ago. Six years ago she had attended Josh's wake. Six months ago at Connie's wake (my ex-sister in law) I saw her best friend but didn't approach her as I was just sitting in a corner just watching people come and go. She looked at me funny like she should know me... I have gained a lot of weight. But she didn't approach me and I didn't feel like chit chat. I should have spoke with her. I may have found out Phyllis was sick. They ususally attend these things together. I should have asked about her. But it didn't enter my mind at the time, I was lost in my own pity party as the room Connie was in was the same room Josh was shown in. I was feeling kinda sick. I was having some flash backs.
Death is part of this life. A very sad part for those left behind. "For to me, to live is Christ, and to die is gain...having the desire to depart and be with Christ, for that is very much better" (Philip. 1:21-23). "Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of His godly ones" (Ps. 116:15)
It is hard for many people to see death this way. People don't like to talk about death or dying, they fear it, they joke about it, they change the subject if it is being talked about. Death need not be feared if you are a believer in Christ...Jesus came, suffered, and died that He might set men free from the fear of death. "Death is swallowed up in victory. O death, where is your victory? O death where is your sting" (1Cor. 15:50-55). Death has no sting for the child of God, for it is simply the ticket home. The only way we can say that to die is gain is if we are living for Christ. Are you?
March 17, 2007... 426pm
Well here I am after a long time because I couldn't remember my sign on and password!! So this journal has just been sitting here with me very frustrated! Today I figured it out, finally. I have too many sign on's and passwords between home and work. And the one at work makes me change it pretty often and I have several there. Turns my brain to mush trying to remember them all. Been very hectic at work, lots of changes going on again. I HATE CHANGE! My doctor moved on so I am now with another doctor and learning his ways of doing things. I really like him but the transition has been hard. I am hoping it all works out.
Had my youngest grandson last night with a fever of 102. He snuggled close all night. Seems to feel some better today. My son and his fiance stopped by test driving a new car, well not new but new to them. My son is so wonderful. He just had his 38th birthday and we talked. His fiance has a son and he says he remembers Josh a lot when he plays games with Austin. He thinks of Josh a lot he was saying with a sad tone in his voice. Josh was crazy about his big brother. Thought he was the greatest, Jimmy was Josh's hero. Both my kids miss him terribly. I don't need to say how much I miss him.
As this grief walk has progressed.. I am surviving better. I still have really rough moments. But they don't last as long. I think I have accepted the fact I won't see him again this side of Glory..... but I KNOW I will see him again.
And I believe the state of this country and world it will be sooner than later.
Just wanted to pop in and write a little something since I haven't been able to sign on for awhile. TOODLES
May 2, 2007.... 12:55am
Why am I still awake? I cannot sleep tonight. I have to work tomorrow but my mind won't slow down and let me sleep.
Thinking rambling thoughts. It is almost like my life running in short clips through my head. I even thought maybe my life was flashing before my eyes... am I dying? LOL
No, it isn't flashing.... it is just running short clips. Back and forth over my life. Faces of my family members no longer with us. Things that happened as a child and as an adult. Running to and fro in my head.
Things I should have done, things I shouldn't have done.
SIGH
Good grief.
Some thoughts bring a smile and a feeling of comfort; others make me frown and want to cry. Some memories are heartbreaking while others bring joy.
Back and forth.... can't shut it off.
Memories.
We all have them.
I wonder what my sister's and brother's memories bring to their minds? We came from the same family, same background. But all our memories are different and yet the same.
Okay... enough... I'm not even making sense to myself now. I know what I mean but it isn't coming out that way.
sigh, sigh, sigh.
July 26, 2007 10:50pm
Josh's birthday was yesterday. He would have been 28 years old. I also had a doctor appointment with my liver doctor and he is concerned. My liver has enlarged and is very sore and tender. I will be sceduled for a CAT scan to see what is going on. Had blood work yesterday too to see if the AFP is high.. checking for liver cancer.
Went to a funeral showing tonight for a 33 year old. My cousin's son. *sigh* Sadness abounds in this world. Maranantha.
Hello. Josh your seventh year anniversary passed on August 12th. I had a rough week all week... reliving it all in my mind. I miss you so very much. Jodi is going to have another baby. It is hard to believe she has two boys you have never seen or got to be uncle to. And a niece from your brother. Now there will be another one who hasn't meant you. But they all know who you are. And this baby will know as well about his/her uncle Josh. Looking for THAT blessed day. TOODLES FOR NOW
October 5, 2007...10:00pm
Hello Josh, Think of you every single minute of every single day. I always will. I miss you so very much. Work has been very stressful lately. VERY STRESSFUL! I have almost quit a time or two but need my job. *sigh* You know that you have it made sweety living in total harmony and love now. You don't have to fight this rat race anymore. I will be glad to join you when it is my time. This old world is really heading quickly toward the end of this age. America is heading downhill fast. Jesus has to be getting ready to come back again. I bet the excitement in Heaven is heavy with the closeness of His preparing.
I am getting excited about Jodi's baby... it is due April 4th. Just wanted to tell you how much I love and miss you.
Will write again... TOODLES for now. I LOVE YOU!!!!
August 11, 2008.. 9:30pm
Hello baby doll. It is that time of year again. At 1:10am is when you were in the accident 8 years ago. EIGHT YEARS~~~!! IMPOSSIBLE! Has it really been eight years baby? I guess it has been. Jodi had her baby as I am sure you know. He is almost 5 months old. He was born 3/26/08. He was a tiny little bugger. They induced her thinking he was a big one like Josh and Joe but he wasn't. Just a little over 6lbs. He is a porker now though! I am going to bed early so as not to be awake staring at the clock this year at "that" time. I am also working tomorrow to keep my mind busy. I feel as if I am going crazy this year and it is probably a little bit of empty nest syndrome. I had the boys to keep me busy before and help me through this. So this year I will bury myself in work. And sleep with a sleeping pill.
I miss you so very much. It does NOT get easier. I have learned to live with this ache inside. GRIEF is with me daily.
MISS YOU AND LOVE YOU SOOOO MUCH!!!!
ADDENDUM Was just thinking.... since that night 8 years ago.... you have not had one worry over it. You are HOME and are safe and happy. I will sleep peacefully now thinking of how you are doing and what you have been doing for the past 8 anniversary days I have been missing you. See you soon. love mom
November 17, 2008... 11:13am
Dear Josh, I am still here. Again I forgot my sign on and password. GRRRR Started into a new study trial for Hep C on Friday 11/14/08. First injection was a bear! Took Friday and today off work but today I just feel a little tired. I think it is because I took a sleeping pill last night. I felt pretty good Saturday and Sunday. My fever broke early Saturday morning from the treatment injection. I again will be taking one injection a week of PegIntron and 6 pills daily of Ribaviron. Later on there will be the new study drug Boceprovir introduced. That will be taken three times a day but I don't know how many pills at a time. I have to put in my meds daily in a palm/electronic diary and it goes directly to Schering-Plough. They are closely monitoring this study because the Boceprovir is close to being approved by the FDA. I am a guinea pig. BUT it might save my liver.
I have been keeping busy with work and my GP, GPCS and Hep C groups. Helps to connect with others in the grieving process, the christian sharing with grief and with folks that also have this dreaded dragon of Hep C. The holidays are upon us. Again. The economy is so bad I don't think there will be as much shopping for people this year.
We have a new president and you would have really gotten into this election. I sure wish I could have know what your input would have been. I do know this... our country will be changing. And not for the better. We are about to enter the post christian era, post America as we know it era. It is going to be awful. But America has to fade and Europe move forward for the Bible to be fulfilled. God is still on the Throne and in complete control. I am glad you are safe. Please pray for your family that when the time comes we will join you in Heaven. Pray for the salvation of lost loved ones. Pray they have the knowledge of what salvation really is and accept that free gift. Time is short. I'll see you soon.
