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Journal Page 15

Page 15 of Jounal

Feb - August
February, 8, 2004..3:00pm

Howdy.. thought it time to move on to another page of my journal.
My cousin was hurt pretty badly by a hit/run driver in Denver Colorado where he is a police officer. He was stopping speeders in front of an elementary school when a drunk driver ran him down. According to the news it looked intentional from witnesses. I guess this drunk went around another car and gunned it directly toward Bobby. The drunk driver (a 19 year old) was captured a block away after running a red light and hitting a car and was trapped in his truck. Bobby was hurt pretty badly but he will live. Thank you Lord.
Click here for story

It is Sunday and I don't feel like I have even had a day off. My fault mostly as I didn't sleep much this weekend. Surfing the WWW and playing on the pc. I feel very sleepy right now. Have a sink full of dishes to do and tons of other things to do... but don't want to do anything. I may take a nap and then dive in and just get it over with. Litter boxes must be changed as well.
Alexis is watching 101 dalmations, Josh and Joe are playing. Jodi.. well.. not sure what she is doing at the moment. Fixing the kids something to eat maybe.. she is in the kitchen. Jim is at work. The animals are being quiet for now.
ahhhh peace for the moment.
well off to take that nap.
toodles for now.

The Gift
Joe Lawley TCF Co-Founder Coventry, England, 1969
THE GIFT
I have a gift I did not want this gift, it meant suffering and pain The pain because of love. A love which had manifest itself in a child. The child brought it's love to me and asked for my love. Sometimes I did not understand this. Sometimes I was too busy to listen quietly to this love. But the love persisent, it was always there. And one day the child died. The love remained This time the love came in other forms. This time there were memories, There was sadness and anquish, And unbelievable pain. One day a stranger came and stood with me. The stranger said "I understand." And did. You see, the stranger had also been this way. We talked and cried together. The stranger became my my friend as no other had. My friend said, "I am always here." and was. One day I lifed my head I noticed another grieving, gray and drawn with pain I approached and spoke. I touched and comforted. I said"I will walk with you." And I did. I also had the gift. Joe Lawley TCF Co-Founder Coventry, England, 1969



April 5, 2004

Hello and good morning. It is 5:15 am and I have been up 1/2 hour already. Put the coffee on and thought I'd write a little. Didn't fall asleep until 12:30 or 1:00 am and woke up at 4:30 am. Couldn't go back to sleep so just hopped out of bed, let the dogs out, fed the cats and now on here. Sheesh! Didn't sleep much. The measly sleep I did get was interrupted by waking on and off scratching myself silly. Clawing is more like it. I am itching so badly. Don't know if it is due to the liver, Hep C or dry skin. Or a combination of all three. But it drives me CRAZY!!
The house is quiet except for the rabbit moving around in his cage and the furnace running. Very peaceful. Jodi and the boys spent the night at her sister's (her dad daughter from his first marriage). I sure miss those little guys when they are not here.
Jodi got me the nicest birthday card and gift. Jim's birthday is in two days, she got him a neat card and gift too. She is such a neat daughter and sister, she loves her bros! I will be so totally lost when she moves out on her own. I know she wants her independence and I try to give her all the space I can. No need for her to hurry and acquire all the headaches of paying rent, utility bills and doing it alone.
Alexis (baby granddaughter and the most beautiful child) is also having a birthday this month. She will be 3 years old. Josh never go to see her either.
I feel sometimes one of my freinds has made "light" of my grief because I have other children. Hers (in her eyes) would be so much worse because she only has one child.. (and loves her more? I think not) My child died, if I had a dozen more THIS ONE DIED. He was/is a unique person. We are all unigue persons made by God. I hope if they ever read this they don't get the wrong idea about my thoughts and feelings... just writing things that are on my mind that bother me, and have hurt me. Guess I am a big baby sometimes. A grieving parent has that right I think. I love all my children very much. The two here and the one in Heaven.


Forever Changed

It may not be so obvious to you. I participate in family activities. I attend family reunions. I help plan holiday meals. You tell me you're glad to see that I don't cry anymore. But I do cry! When everyone has gone-when it is safe- the tears fall. I cry in privacy so my family won't worry. I cry until I am exhausted &can finally sleep. You tell me you admire my strength &my positive attitude. But I am not strong. I feel that I have lost control,& I panic when I think about tomorrow...next week...next year. I go about the routine of my job. I complete my assigned tasks. I drink coffee &smile. You tell me you're glad to see I'm over the death of my loved one. But I'm not "over it!" If I ever get over it, I will be the same as before my loved one died. I will NEVER be the same! At times I think I am beginning to heal, but the pain of loosing someone I loved so much has left a permanent scar on my heart. I visit my neighbors. You tell me you're glad to see I'm holding up so well. But I'm not holding up well. Sometimes I want to lock the door &hide from the world. I spend time with my friends. I appear calm and collected. I smile when appropiate. You tell me it's good to see me back to my "old self." but I will NEVER be back to my "old self." Death and Grief have touched my lfe, and I am FOREVER CHANGED! (AUTHOR UNKNOWN)
(if you are or know the author of this please let me know and I will give credit or remove it.)
Well I have complained and griped enough for now.
toodles


April 10, 2004..10:15pm

It's Saturday night, Easter Eve. Haven't felt so good today. Very tired. Having a hard time writing in my journal lately. Not a lot to say. Feel like a I repeat myself a lot. Boring life I have. *smile* I have been up and down with grief the last week or so. My birthday came and went. Getting older by the second. I feel it in my bones. I am having a liver biopsy Tuesday to see if I qualify for the interferon study on Hep C. That is the only way I will probably get to do teatments again. It is free. My insurance most likely won't pay for another round of treatment. HMO type. If this does't work then... don't know what would be next. Probably nothing unti a new med or treatment comes around. Will keep ya informed Journal.. gonna get off for now because this thing is acting up and I am having a tough time getting anything typed. toodles

May 8, 2004

Sitting here trying to catch up on my e-mails. I belong to a grieving parents online support group and if I get behind on those e-mails it is tough to catch up! Sent an e-mail and as soon as I hit send I wish I could have taken it back. You have to be careful what you say to a grieving parent and I should know that from experience. I immediately sent an apology and the responses I got were cool. You just don't think about things you say sometimes. Like.... "I could just kill him/her" or "just shoot me now" or I wish I was dead". I used to say crash and burn and still catch myself when I say it. I don't say it so much now. My son didn't burn but he did crash. People just don't think. One of the grieving parents had someone say she knew how she felt because she lost her cat. DUH! A CAT! Nobody loves their animals more than I do but they DON'T compare to a child. Or any person for that matter. It is okay to cry and be sad if you loose them but.... you can't compare the loss to a child even if you say they were like your child. If you say that you have never had a child and then lost him/her. And that is fact!
Okay enough preaching on that subject.
Work is going okay... I had my biopsy but it is going to be awhile before I know anything, they sent it to France. I think if the piece of my liver went to France then they should have sent me there to have the biopsy and a little vacation! Don't you? *smile*
I am not looking forward to another round of treatments though. I feel so much better since going off treatment. I really didn't realize how bad I felt. Dr Kwo seemed quite impressed I worked like I did. What can I say? Ya gotta do what you gotta do. I've worked my whole life. Even walking to work in freezing weather twice a day when I worked split shifts. If course I was a lot younger then. And I only walked about a mile but that is a long way in the snow with a waitress dress on. (we wore sailor looking dresses at red lobster in those days)
LOL that sounds like I walked 5 miles to school in the snow barefoot uphill when I was your age)
Well I did!
Joey now has his daddy's last name. I like the sound of it but hate that he and Josh have differnt last names now. They are so close in age and when they go to school they will not have the same last name. For some reason that bothers me. They do have differnt dad's but.. they are brothers not half brothers! I hate the word half or step. Especially if they grow up in the same household. Maybe it has something to do with the fact my dad adopted me and I would get absolutely furious if someone said my brothers and sister were my half brothers or sister. We came out of the same womb and grew up together so there is nothing half about it to me! (there I go again on a soapbox)
It is just that there are some things that bother me. And that is one of them.
Watched the special for Richard Gere tonight and it was pretty good until he slammed President Bush at the end and made a plea to get him out of office. And they all applauded. Hollywood for ya. He said he had a problem with someone thinking God was solely his or something to that affect. And especially if that someone was the president. Well for goodness sakes Richard... He can be yours too if you ask! This country is going to "hell" in a handbasket and attitudes like yours Richard, is why. (soapbox again? oops)
Well, gonna jump off and catch up on e-mail. TOODLES

July 31, 2004 12:00pm
Well hello... started my treatments again yesterday and it wasn't pleasant. You can read about it in my e-mail to Heaven.

Josh's birthday went well. We released balloons at a cookout with his friends at Eagle Creek Park. They played his CD and I hadn't heard his voice in a while so of course I cried. I miss him so much. It does not get easier over time. Grief becomes like an old friend. He is with you all the time and goes everywhere you go. Sometimes he'll stay in the background and other times he has to be center of attention.

Not a lot to say these days. Sometimes it is an effort to put one foot in front of the other. Depression has shown it's ugly head more lately.

We are looking for a house. Jodi is looking to get her own place. She has a job interview and is excited about that. She wants her own place real bad. I don't blame her but I dont' want her to move out either. *sigh*

Sometimes I think my husband hates me and other times I think we just have a communication problem. He can be so sweet and then turn around and be so hateful. Jekyl and Hyde. I would think it is just me but others have stated the same thing. Could be his health issues. We are just old and decrepit before our time I guess. *smile*

He has went a little nuts on animals and rodents. He brought some white rats home and some gerbils. We also have guinea pigs and rabbits. AND cats, dogs and birds. He works all day cleaning after animals and then comes home and does it too. The rats seem to make people think he is crazy but they are adorable. Smart too. In fact they have grown on me to the point that I got mad when I saw mouse traps at the store LOL. Now please.... what is up with that? Am I losing it? I even gave them a bath... of which they are due for again. Okay... maybe we are both losing it. I am as crazy as he is.

We have 3 dogs, 4 cats, 2 rabbits, 2 guinea pigs several gerbils and several rats and 3 cockatiels. And no the house doesn't smell bad. It would if we didn't keep them clean.
We have 2 escapee rates, one under the frig and one above the dishwasher. They poke their heads out when they hear me for food. Tommorrow we are going to try and catch them. They are young ones and are probably scared but they know when I am in the kitchen to come and poke their heads out! We'll get 'em.

Well I am feeling tired so gonna close it up for now. I am dreading the rest of treatment and the fatigue and all that goes with it.But maybe it will pay off this time.
P.S. we caght the ratties.

TOODLES
August 28, 2004...10:00pm


Well so far so good on treatments. Been sick of course but nothing I can't deal with. Same as last time basically. Aches, nausea is worse this time around, feels like morning sickness. It comes and goes.

Jim is now an animal cop. He is going thru his training. I think he is going to like it. We are looking to move. We would like to buy a house with a nice sized fenced backyard for my kids and animals. (okay - my grandkids, they are mine too!)
I feel like if my kid has a kid they are my kids too.
They called Abraham father not grandfather or great grandfather. He was Father Abraham. *smile*

We now have 4 rats, several hamsters and gerbils, 2 rabbits, 2 guinea pigs, 3 dogs, 4 cats and 3 cockatiels. We had 4 sugar gliders but my oldest son took them. I think we are going to find homes for the hamsters and gerbils. Just a lot of work for Jim, keeping up with all the cages.
Our one golden has thyroid problems. She keeps gaining weight and her ears are so infected. Jim has been trying to clear them up without success so he finally broke down and took her to the vet. You can't let them suffer! Goldie weighs 138 lbs! Way too much. She is a fatty.

Josh's birthday and Heaven day have come and gone again. Four years. Unbelievable! I miss him so very much and it doesn't get easier. In some ways it gets worse.

I am sick to death of people, and it has only been a few, that say the most STUPID things to me. My friend said "well you had him for 21 years, he's in a better place, you have 2 other kids" grrrr!!! She has NO CLUE!!!! I don't love my 2 here any less than the one in Heaven. I don't love the one in Heaven any less than the 2 here. I hurt for the one I don't see. I miss him. Sorry if that doesn't fit with your world but that is the way it is my friend! This same friend thinks I should stop my treatments and let happen whatever happens. Duh! It is my life.... my liver! I just don't understand sometimes. Maybe I am wearing my feelings on my sleeve and taking things wrong. But it hurts anyway. Support me, don't berate me or belittle me.
I don't conform to the way she thinks I should act I guess. I have no energy, I don't want to party, (and when do you outgrow partying anyway?) I don't want to go anywhere or do anything. I get that seclusion thing from my mom and granny. Mom would be perfectly happy in her PJ's reading a book. Granny wanted to be home too. Home.... that is where I want to be. All the time. I am gone enough going to work. I like to be home.
If you want to see me.... you know where I am. I don't go far believe me.



Josh is sleeping next to me... the dogs are sleeping and the cats are sleeping. Jim is in bed, Jodi is at her sisters and Joey is at his daddy's.
It is quiet here on the homefront. *sigh* HOME - I love being home.

toodles

September 18, 2004
Hello. Check out E-mail to heaven. For recent updates.
Also go to funeralnet type in Cope, look for Joshua and sign his online funeral guestbook. Thanks.
TOODLES


October 5, 2004.... 8:00 pm


Hello. For updates check out my e-mail to Heaven. Don't want to repeat myself. Treatments are going as well as can be expected. They are changing my paxil, afer 4 years of being on it to Lexapro.
TOODLES

December 11, 2004 9:44am

Hi... we have been moving..... downsizing from a 4 bedroom townhouse to a 3 bedroom townhouse. The house thing didn't work out yet for this year. Maybe next year. It has been a real "TOUGH" job... I didn't take anytime off work and the treatments I was on didn't help with my energy level. We still aren't completely done. Almost though. It has taken 2 weeks. I knew it would but... Jim is upset it has taken so long. He took a vacation to do this and didn't have much help. The first week was just doing what he could without a truck and help moving large stuff. Jim hasn't been well... his sugars are up and his muscles are aching from the statins he is on for his cholesterol. He has stopped them for now. His ck which is a muscle test to see if his muscles are being affected were double the high normal. 301 and the normal high is 150. He is also not in a very good mood due to having to get rid of some of the animals he brought in for rescue. He really did overdue it. And our one golden had to be put to sleep. She was miserable. He won't even talk to me about it.
We now have one golden (since he was a baby) - one cat (we rescued from the humane society) and one tiny mix he brought home from animal care and control. (We are having a hard time housebreaking her). At any rate the animals are more manageable now. They are a lot of work! And expensive. You need a BIG place to try to do animal rescue. Oh and we have three cockatiels (he wants to give away, I don't)

I stopped the high dose of treatment last week and the 6 pills daily. I am now on a low dose of Peg-Intron (one injection a week) - should be more mangageable for me. Blood count should go back up. I know my appetite is returning and that is NOT a good thing LOL.

I need to get to Josh's roadside cross and do some work. It is looking shabby. Needs to have his Santa hat put on it too. I haven't been to the cemetary in forever it seems. I am making a point of going before Christmas. It is hard to do things when you are sick and still trying to work 45-50 hours a week. Still no excuse in my mind. I know Josh isn't there but the body I carried for nine months and hugged and touched for 21 years is there.

Just thought I'd write here since I haven't for some time now.

I have been updating more in my E-mail to Heaven than I have here. Toodles for now.


February 6, 2005...3:30pm

Hello Journal. Super Bowl Sunday and quiet on the web. So glad I don't work in the bars anymore! I don't think I could handle it now. You can bet there are a lot of people in the sports bars today. And at super bowl parties.

Me? I prefer to stay home and relax. I don't like to go anywhere or do anything anymore. I think I could be a hermit. No that isn't true... I want my family around me. Especially my grandkids.

I am a boring person these days. Sorry folks.
Jim doesn't even like me anymore *smile*. Can't help it. I am not hateful, just boring. I have a hard time relating to adults anymore hehehe. Give me kids and cartoons!

Josh's cross is in bad need of attention still. I haven't been to the cemetary. Work is work. (too many hormones there, lots of complaining and bickering) Home, well, hmmm.... don't know about this at the moment. Will have to let you know on that one later. I like our apartment. It is smaller but quieter so far in this part of the complex. Our neighbors are really sweet on the one side. Haven't met the other side. They must be Christian people. And their kids are so well behaved and sweet. Very friendly and considerate people.

As far as the home life. I am doing okay but don't know about Jim. I think we broke him. Wonder if he has a warranty? He works and stays in the bedroom when he is home. Doesn't talk to anyone or act sociable to us at all. I think he would like to live alone. Or maybe just away from us? Don't know. Guess time will tell. I never claimed to be perfect. He knew I wasn't. He isn't either. But I know there are times I don't trust him. And that isn't good. I want too. I want it to work. But not going to change this late in my age. I have tried to change some. I just don't like it when he thinks he is doing it all by himself. Not true. I don't like it when he makes me feel like he is superior. I don't like it when he insults me. I am an adult don't treat me like a child. I work, I have raised my kids by myself with no financial help. I may not have done the perfect job of it. We had what we needed. And... no one does a perfect job parenting. I think he thinks he did a perfect job with Deb's kids. Oh well, think what you want. Just don't judge me.

Deb told mom once he was mean. I didn't believe it but I do now. I think he was too strict. About stupid little things. He is mean here sometimes. He doen't beat on anyone or anything like that. He needs to chill. Life is too short to be angry all the time. He knows better than to whip the kids. I will be a raging mother bear. I can be mean too.
I am not perfect, as I said, I am not one to make the bed when I jump out of it. I am getting some better at the housekeeping thingy. Just never been one to be susie homemaker or betty crocker. I have always been the bread-winner. I don't get upset if the kids toys are spread all over the place. Some people go crazy about that stuff. Jim does. That is probably why he stays in "his" room. And believe me... it is only my room to sleep in or when he isn't home. He has tried to tell me I can't smoke in there. Or would like it if I didn't. I do. It is a nasty habit, I know this. But something I am not ready to stop at the moment. And I will smoke in my own house/bedroom if I choose to do so.

Life can suck sometimes. If you let it. I am just taking life one minute at a time. Tomorrow isn't promised.
TOODLES

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