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Journal page 13... 11 entries... April 19, 2003 thru July 20, 2003


Saturday.. April 19, 2003... 10:00am

Good morning. Been up since around 6:15 am. Had coffee, checked e-mail, don't feel too bad so far.
Jim and I are now at my mom's. I am on her puter because she is still sleeping. Jim is changing the oil in the car and helping Dad weed the garden. We are heading out in a little while to the store to buy Alexis a birthday present and all the kids Easter baskets. We will probably buy some eggs for them to color and then maybe an Easter egg hunt. I think they will enjoy that.
I was telling Jim this morning I don't think I colored eggs with the kids when they were little. I always had to work and just don't remember doing it. In the restaurant business you work Easter Sunday. I worked all holidays usually except Christmas and Thanksgiving. Now a lot of places are open Thanksgiving as well. I have worked a couple Thanksgivings but it was Josh's favorite holiday so I tried not too.
Oh if we could only go back and know what we know now! I really understand this now. Granny told me. She knew from experience. As I do now. I sure wish we could instill this in young people before they have regrets. But we can't. Nobody could tell me.
It was a long week at work for some reason. Everybody at work said the same thing. Must be Spring Fever hitting everyone.
I was exceptionally tired this week too. Could barely move when I got home and crashed early most nights. Just couldn't function.
Jodi is feeling the pressure of school and getting her stuff done for the end of semester. She does wait until the last minute and then blames everyone else because she isn't done. She says I have no car and Jim is gone everyday. Well... Jodi.. Speak Up!! Say I need to do this or that today and get up before the day is over or half over! People just can't sit and wait until you decide to get out of bed and start your day. I have spoiled her rotten and not taught her she needs to be mindful of other people too. I will help her all I can and she knows it. She is just feeling overwhelmed. She says she is taking the summer off and I think that is okay. I am afraid though she will not go back if she gets a job.
She is my brat!!!!
Little Josh's daddy is in jail again. He hasn't been involved in Josh's life much. James is a kid I always felt so sorry for. He didn't have a good life as a kid. His mom is totally worthless as far as being a mom. He saw way too much growing up. And he is a lot like he is due to having to fight for himself. And probably even stealing to survive at times. But he is an adult now and he needs to make better choices. I know he has done me wrong in many ways but I think I do forgive him. He is like a little orphan and I always felt like I needed to be a mom to him. I worry about him but I am not going to let him ruin Josh's life. Or teach him the bad part of life.
Josh must have overheard his mommy because he said "my daddy is in trouble but he loves me". You really have to be careful around kids because they are listening when you don't think they are.
Jodi left a letter from James on the kitchen table and I read it. Prablaby shouldn't have but I did. I cried. I know a lot of it is jail talk but he claims he is really going to try and change. He talked a lot about God. (a lot of guys in jail do) But... he may really get changed inside if in there awhile and God has time to work on him. He says he got saved again LOL. I believe once saved always saved, but I did it more than once. Oh ye of little faith. That was me. And I am sure with James' lifestyle he doubted. And maybe he wasn't saved but got saved this time. Only God knows... and James. I sure hope he is serious.
I worry about Jodi and Jimmy. They claim to be saved (as kids) but I just want to know for sure they understand it and are really in the Book of Life!
It doesn't hurt to ask God for assuredness. Or to rededicate your life. Jodi needs to be baptised. I know that isn't what gets you into Heaven but we are suppossed to be baptised as Jesus was. Joshua Paul never got around to that before he was taken Home. (I blame myself for that a little, should have encourage it) But he was saved and is walking the Streets of Gold right now!
Well better get off here and go to the store. Jim is done changing the oil in the car and now he is weeding the flower bed. I will never get him away from that if I don't get off here and push him. LOL
TOODLES


May 3, 2003... 3:30am


The last two weeks have been awful. I have been sick from the meds. So fatigued and achey could hardly work. (see pegintron journal)
My ex brother in law died. I was so ill I couldn't even go to the funeral home. I am feeling guilty about it. But Lana is going to need someone when it is all quieted down. When everyone else forgets you are suffering and thinks you should be over it. I will help her make a memorial site for Elijah if she wants me too. Maybe she can come a stay all night with me. Or even a few days if she wants too.
Elijah is shouting halleluiah right now! He is seeing Jesus face to face. Awesome! Wonder if he has had time to hug Josh yet? I am sure he has. I gave him a message to take to him... to tell him I miss him and love him.

I hope Lana can forgive me for not being at the funeral home. It was and is all I can do to even go to work. I am getting concerned about that too. I am so exhausted I can barely wash my hair when in the shower.
Jim had a hot lead, hope he gets the job. I will quit working and take a much needed rest. Please God.
I am going to close for now.
TOODLES


May 12, 2003


Hello. Not alot happening. Just work, and more work. Felt better this past weekend on my meds. Got some rest.
I have joined a organization to help ferral/stray cats. And I am fostering cats/kittens that need a home. Cats/kittens that were about to be put to sleep at animal control are some I am trying to help. The need is astronomical. These poor babies. They are so sweet and just need a loving home. They are no trouble. Easy to care for. If people would just spay/nueter their animals this wouldn't be such a problem.
We have right now one little girl that is approximately 9 years old. Silver/long hair and so sweet. She really is beautiful. My daughter has fallen in love with her. And she seems to be attached to Jodi already. Slept with her and follows her around. Jodi is wanting to keep her LOL. That is the problem if I foster... we will get attached to them. I need a farm! I am going to animal control Wednesday and possibly save a mom and her litter from being put down. I will then try to find homes for them after taking them to be fixed and checked by a vet. There are some vets that volunteer to do this for free. I am so glad about that. The only thing I should be out is the cost of food and litter. But there are people that donate this too. God Bless 'em.
Jim is being very supportive of this and that is a big help.
Well since not a lot to say closing for now... TOODLES


June 7, 2003... 3:30am


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Toodles

June 8, 2003... 4:00pm


Well it is Sunday and tomorrow is another work day. I have been very tired lately and some of it is my fault. I haven't been getting the rest I should be getting on these treatments. I stayed up all night Friday night surfing the web and then was up all day Saturday. I think I fell asleep around 7:30 pm Saturday night. Was up at 5:30 this morning with Josh. He went back to bed around 7 and slept until 9. I should have laid down with him for this nap! LOL but was ejoying the peace and quiet of the morning.
He and I went to the Humane Society around 1:00 this afternoon. There was this really cute hound with LOOOONNNNG liver colored ears. He was a young adult dog. Very friendly. I thought we are going to walk around and if he is still here I am going to get him. We walked around for quite awhile and went back and the sheet of paper you take to the desk was gone. I kept going back and not there. There was a really long line at the desk, and I wanted to say "hey who has Dudley's paper! He's mine!" LOL
I didn't.
Then Josh and I went to the pet shop. Was going to get him a gold fish.... NOT! He kept trying to put his hand in and catch them. I visualized the bag of water being busted in the car and IF we got it home without disaster.... I could see him putting his hands in all the time trying to catch it and hold it.
Thought about a bird (then thought about my cats.
Thought about a frog (then thought about my cats).
Thought about a turtle (then thought about my dog and cats and Josh).
So we came home without anything.
I ran into my cousin at the Humane Society. She pulled in the same time I did with her 2 dogs. She was about to cry because she had to give them up. Her little girl was with her. Penny's daughter asked me if I wanted them. I felt so bad, but Jim would have killed me! They had moved and she just couldn't keep them. She said she has tried but I guess their new place isn't big enough for them. I felt so bad for her. I looked at the dogs but like I said... Jim would have killed me. We live in an apartment and even though it is big... we have a big dog and several cats. He is the one doing all the animal feeding, etc.
Still... I can't get it off my mind.
I need a lot of land and barns... I'd keep 'em all! Let everything that has breath "Praise the Lord".
Yesterday Jim and I was at the animal control shelter.
Breaks my heart.
The last time I was there it was with Tami from Indyferal and I was in the back room. The room guests don't go in.
So many need love and rescued.
We brought home a momma and her 4 kittens to foster. They were going to put them to sleep for no reason. One kitten died at the hands of my 2 year old grandson. It was traumatic to us. He didn't understand what was wrong but he knew something was. I think he squeezed it too hard. We are watching more carefully now. The others are doing great and starting to eat. Will be ready for homes soon.
They even had a rooster at the animal shelter LOL! Some of these were the animals that were seen on the news that were taken from this man's home. He had horses and everything LOL. Bless his heart. He was trying to take care of them. I guess not too well though.
Yesterday we also went to look at some pomeranians that were advertised in the paper. I now really understand what a back yard breeder is! Awful conditions. Those poor puppies. I tried to talk Jim into getting one so we could save it. But $250.00 and who knows what the vet bills would have been. The puppy may even have been the offspring of brother and sister for all we know. One puppy looked sick. She had tons of poms all together. It's a shame.
She was old and couldn't hear and couldn't see well. She kept picking them up by their legs and she would drop them by accident. She would step on them.
I felt like crying when we left.
Josh has a bicycle now and he learned to ride it yesterday. His Pappaw taught him. He looks so cute with a helmet on and peddling away! He flys too. He wore Pappaw out!
Well folks... closing for now... Toodles


June 12, 2003... 8:30pm


Howdy. Things are going alright around the home front.
Dawn, my niece moved out. Jimmy moved back to Tonya's.
It is just Jim, me, Jodi and the boys right now. And of course the dog and cats.
I worry Jimmy will ger his heart broke again. Tonya begged him to come back but I am afraid she is just using him for money to pay the bills. He doens't have much but she has had 3 guys in the house and they have moved on. Pretty quickly I might add. Jimmy loves her. Whatever that means today. And I just pray she isn't playing him. She had a good teacher. Her mom. Her mom and I used to be real close. Best friends. But aren't best friends suppossed to be there when the chips are down? My chips have been down a long time. *smile*
With him now back at Tonya's I probably won't get to see Alexis as much. She was here every other weekend. I will miss that. She and Josh played great together.
Another friend is having a tough time. Her daughter had a baby and gave it up for adoption. She has cried and cried. But the people that are adopting are so grateful. They have waited a long time for a baby.
And then another girl at work was praying her sister's invitro would take. It didn't. There is sadness and disappointment everywhere around me it seems. I guess that is life. No one said it was easy. God never promised it would be easy here. Just to trust Him. And the rewards would be great.
I feel sometimes like I am beating my head against a brick wall. I try to be upbeat and happy go lucky.... and... well... no one seems happy or satisfied with life. I know I get awful depressed sometimes but I try to shake it off. Losing a child, as I have said before changes what is important.
I try not to sweat the small stuff. It is hard sometimes though. I try not to worry about things because God is in control of all. But there are times we mess up and don't let Him control our lives. We jump ahead of Him and try to do things and fix things on our own. And we blame God for things that are wrong with our lives.
Well I am getting myself depressed again *smile* so I will just shut up.
Toodles for now

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June 26, 2003... 12:45 am
Well I started this stupid post and it all got lost somehow when the puter acted stupid on me!
I was saying that we just got back from Williamsburg Kentucky. That is where my granny grew up.
I had typed a lot too before it all got lost!!
I will shorten it *smile*
Haven't been down there since I was a little girl. Went to the graveyard by Pleasant Hill Baptist church. Wow.. a lot of family history there. I guess our family homesteaded there in the 1700's. Doris and Ruth(granny's baby sisters) knew so much history. And who was related to who and how.
So interesting to me now that I am older. We have a lot of Indian and Irish in us and some Dutch. Got some Cherokee and Apache. Explains why the people in my family aren't good drinkers but the Irish makes 'em want too! Also explains why some are mean drunks and want to fight or screw!! Or both! (excuse the language there)
I loved visiting but don't think I could live way back in the hills. Snakes and bugs... I've gotten too city. I love country livin' but not that country. I am chicken now I suppose. But they sure are good folks. They treat you like kin even if they haven't seen you in a coon's age. They do remember blood. I felt so at home with them. Even Susan, my cousin. Haven't seen her since we were little girls. Felt like I saw her everyday. Felt real comfortable with her. I hated leaving. I asked her to come up and visit us. She won't drive on the interstate so we would have to go get her. But she will take those mountain roads like an Indy driver. She is a hoot!!
I felt like if I ever needed a place to live... I have a home there. If ever I needed it. Not sure I could survive copperhead crossing though! (That's at the end of their road or driveway actually.) I'd probably have a heartattck in the first week. If it took that long.
I guess the old homecoming is only about 300 to 400 people now. Used to be 1,000 or more.
That is every August. Third Sunday, I believe. Haven't been to that since I was a little girl.
Doris said she can remember men praying under the tree at 2:00 am. Not like that now. The preacher of the church is from New York. Married a hometown girl. (somehow, I guess a relative.) He is modern. With modern music. Not the old time southern gospel they play and sing all night. He is on a schedule. Organized. Too bad. Younger generation and shoolin' done took away the real preachin' and a singin'!! *smile*
Well gotta get to bed. It was a long trip home. We left there and went and stayed a night in a chalet in the Smoky Mountains. Really cool. Was a long drive home. Good to be home. I was homesick for my grandbabies and my dog!
Toodles for now.


June 27, 2003... 7:00pm

Today was my first day back at work after being off for 4 days. 6 days if you count the weekend too. I missed it believe it or not.
I missed the people I work with too. I must be nuts LOL.
Came home from work and Joey was stuck to me again. He was so sleepy. Got him to sleep and here I am. Josh also was all over me. I love it. When you're tired though it is sometimes tough with 2 babies climbing on you but... I ain't complaining.
Josh is helping mommy clean and cook supper. So I snuck off to the basement to check e-mail. I don't get as much as I used to but don't send much out anymore either. A lot I used to get was just junk anyway.
One of the doctors in the office left today. He is going to do emergency trauma at the hospital. I think he was bored with family medicine. And his MA/EMT of whom I got very close too. Gonna miss her. We of course said we'd keep in touch but you know how that goes. I hope we do. Toni is a good person and a hard worker.
Well nothing else to report. I took my injection late today so it hasn't really kicked in yet with side effects yet. But it will. Maybe I'll be alseep and miss them *smile*. Hope I don't feel horrible in the morning though.
Talk to ya later.... TOODLES



July 2, 2003...6:30pm


Just got home from work. Not too busy today. Was a pretty good day all in all.
My blood work says I am getting more anemic. Hope the doc doesn't want to back off my meds because I want to make sure this treatment stays on schedule. I am awful tired though.
Things have been going pretty well the last three days on the homefront and at work. Praise God.
Luke (our golden retriever) keeps getting out and running off. He was over at the highschool yesterday. This lady said he ran the track with her and when she walked he walked. He wanted to get in her van with her so she took him home and called the number on his tags. We have caught some kids letting him out of the gate and Josh keeps doing it too. We are going to have to padlock the gate. I worry about the kids too. They have gotten out a couple times. You have to watch them every second because Josh knows how to open the gate. And the patio doors. We have fixed the patio door situation but going to have to figure something out for the gate. Jim said he caught a guy (looked to be in his 20's poking a stick in the fence to aggravate the dog. Now why??? I can see a kid doing that but not a grown man! Luke is so gentle and he doesn't bark much. He was barking at that guy though. Jim said he watched for a while and then ask him to not do that please. Luke is gentle but the guy will make him not so gentle with him because he will protect his home and family.
Good thing I wasn't here... I would have told him off! How dare he mess with my dog!! IDIOT!!!!
Jim told the office we still need our doorbell... they are supposed to have one on the outside of the fence so we can lock the gate. We have only been waiting for one since we moved in here. Six or seven months now. I will throw a fit if they don't get it here soon.
This is Big Joshua's birthday month... and then next month is the month he left us. Josh has been on my mind constantly. I miss him more all the time. The grief never leaves. It is always there in your heart and mind. You learn to live with it. If I dwell on it... it becomes almost unbearable. I just turn it over to God. That is all I can do. I hope his friends still think of him often. Some got his name tatooed on them. I have thought about it. But he is tatooed on my heart and soul.
Well off to surf the web and read some e-mail's.
TOODLES


July 5, 2003... 3:00pm
Hello. Haven't done a thing this holiday weekend.
Watched the grandkids some. Slept a lot and still tired. I am getting more anemic from the meds.
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TOODLES


July 20, 2003... 10:15pm


Hello Journal. Been hanging in there. Haven't felt so good and have been real depressed this year over Josh's upcoming birthday and Heaven day. Cried all Wednesday night and all day at work on Thursday. Could be partly the meds too.
I sure miss my boy. I look at his picture and just ache from the want to hold him, smell him, hear his voice and laughter.
Thought last week I was headed for a nervous breakdown or something. But xanax works wonders... I am very stingy with taking it but I felt the need last week and today. So I popped a pill. It helped. A girl at work said she had a doctor tell her that if you needed xanax there was no hope for you....... he has never lost a child. I don't take it often just when I feel I am going to lose it. I usually function with prayer and talking to Josh.
Well I need to get to bed.... work tomorrow and it is going to be a crazy Monday. I worry about the doc because when she was on vacation last week... I had a small altercation with a rude patient. He was a jerk and I let him know it... I documented it for her. I know he will give his side of the story to her. She may not say a thing but just in case I want to have my wits about me... I don't have to take crap from jerks.
Well night all and TOODLES

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