I began to make careful plans, calling ahead to see how many they would be getting in and where in the store they would be located. Upon hearing that only twelve would be stocked, I was a bit panicked, but also somehow more determined that one of that paltry dozen would be mine!

I knew fully well that things were bound to get out of hand--I had heard horror stories about these sales. And with two artificial knees, I also knew I had no business being in the middle of that stampede. It took some doing, but I finally convinced my Mom that she needed to meet me at Wal-Mart a few minutes before 6:00 a.m. to take my place in line. Silly me, still believing in a logical and ordered universe. Boy, was I in for a rude awakening!

I got to bed Thanksgiving night at a decent hour, but only managed a few restless hours of sleep before my alarm went off at 4:00 a.m.--the anticipation had my mind spinning out of control like a child on Christmas Eve--my brain was whirling with excitement! So when that alarm went off, I practically bounded out of bed. I had a quick shower, then started layering on clothes to combat the early morning chill. I wore my thickest jeans, a long-sleeved t-shirt, and a long, thick sweatshirt, topped off by a wooly fleece jacket. I also took care to tuck an extra pair of gloves in my pocket.

By 4:50, I was at Wal-Mart, and was happy to see only 15 or so people there ahead of me. There was even a bench placed comveniently at my spot in line. Life was good!

Everyone was laughing and plotting strategies for their oncoming battles, drawing maps in the air with gloved fingers and discussing various plans of attack. I hesitantly questioned "Uh, how many are here for the computers?" Amid a chorus of "me"s, my face fell and I mouthed a silent but obvious curse. Everyone burst out laughing at the expression on my face, then told me that rather than the expected 12, our Wal-Mart had actually gotten 30 computers in, so my faltering hope began to revive.

I settled on the bench with Phred (my trusty cane) and listened to strategies, making my own plans in response to hints and tips that were being shared. It was a bright and festive atmosphere--we were almost like family with our laughter and shared jokes.

The wind was fierce, putting a dreadful chill in my bones. I drew a second pair of gloves over the first, turned up my jacket collar, and zipped the jacket up as far as I could around my neck, tucking my chin inside and trying to capture my warm breath inside the thick collar. I nervously watched the line grow longer and longer behind me, until it finally extended out of sight around the edge of the building. I realized that all those people were here for a deal, and knew that I might not be able to get my hands on a computer before being overwhelmed by the masses, but I still had 'puter dreams dancing in my head!

Suddenly there was an unexpected surge of movement!! The outer doors had been opened!! Not yet 5:30 a.m., and my place in line was GONE!! I jumped up and shoved my way toward the red-jacketed lady that marked my spot--my purse strap looped around my neck and Phred's strap around my wrist. Somehow I made it inside, only about 6 or 7 people away from the main door. We were packed like sardines in that little entryway, but at least it was warm. There was literally no way to move--my purse I rested on my chest so I could keep an eye on it.

So now we were an even more closely-knit elite group--the fore-runners in the oncoming battle. Maps were drawn, tips were shared about where the $49 microwaves were, how best to get to the $99 T.V's, and of course, "where were the computers?" I had already been told that they were in front, but wanted some specifics. Being a bit too short to see for myself, I asked some of the taller guys if they could see them. Only one cruel-hearted person sought to mislead me, trying to convince me that I needed to veer left and go all the way to the back of the store. A bad, bad man he was, picking on a crippled woman that way! Some nice people, though, quickly jumped in and told me they were to the right, directly behind the registers.

My knees were stiffening up, so I tried flexing them in the tiny little portion of the sardine can that was mine. I had realized that my careful plans to let Mom take my place in line were now blown!! I would be in the middle of a melee' that would surely be dangerous, but there was no choice now--I was wedged too tightly to get out of it even if I'd had an inkling of what was to come.

Then the doors opened! A solid wall of sound crashed into me as people began shouting and shoving their way toward the tiny opening. I knew I was in trouble from the first shuffled inch of movement--my legs had turned to spaghetti beneath me! I was swaying and tottering--in the middle of a fall that couldn't succeed because there was simply nowhere for me to go. I was wedged upright by the people around me...being buffetted helplessly toward the door. I was in the grips of sheer mind-numbing terror--all thoughts of a 'puter gone from my head--all I could do was pray for deliverance from this throng of insane people pushing and shoving each other like deranged lunatics.

Then suddenly I was at the door!! And new horror swept through my soul. There was no longer anybody in front of me to hold me up! I grabbed for the door frame to try to catch my balance, for my legs were still refusing to obey me. I clung for dear life, well aware of the hundreds of people behind me that would surely trample me if I fell. My angel was with me that day, though, and guarded my back for the few precious seconds it took for me to get my balance and take one giant step around the edge of the door frame and out of harm's way.

Wonder of wonders!!! I was ALIVE, and inside the store!! Suddenly I recalled my mission, and banged Phred to the floor and began hobbling as fast as my little short legs could carry me toward the computers. AH!! I could SEE them!!! I even managed to flash a grin at the cashiers laughing at the sight of a woman with a cane whipping along in that nightmarish rush of people.

Folks were dashing about here and there, but I had eyes only for the blue and yellow boxes that had the words Hewlett-Packard emblazoned on them. Most of the throng had gone toward the back of the store, while I took a shortcut through the checkout lines toward my objective. I got my hands on one, and my heart leaped with joy--my dream had been realized!! I pulled on the straps and drug the heavy box between two racks into a little cubby-hole and watched the doors for my Mom. People were still dashing madly about, looking for carts now--any that had kept a cart in line with them had abandoned them in the mad rush to get inside. I just huddled there out of the way and looked about me to see that no one got any ideas of coming near MY 'puter!!

I glanced down to see my watch dangling from my neck, becoming anxious that Mom might have overslept. Then I realized that it was GONE! My lovely Precious Moments watch was no longer hanging from my neck--just the chain remained. It had obviously been ripped from my neck in that surging mass of humanity moments before. I was heartbroken, knowing it to be lost forever. Then as the euphoria wore off I noticed the pain in my right wrist. It had an angry red welt on it that was even now hardening into a knot and beginning to swell. This was where Phed's strap had gouged into my arm as he too was almost ripped from me. It later turned a hideous black color that wrapped around the whole wrist and extended halfway to my elbow. Oh, well, considering the injuries I would have suffered had I fallen, I consider myself lucky to have gotten away with only a bruise!

Then Mom showed up with my brother Barry in tow. She left him with me and an empty buggy, and she went among the masses after a paper-shredder for my dad and several 13-packs of videos for gifts, coming back to dump things in the buggy when her arms were full.

I decided to take a chance and go back to the door to look for my watch. I took Barry's hand and stuck it through the strap around my computer, figuring anyone would have to be crazy to try to take anything away from big old Bubba--they couldn't know him for the gentle giant he really is. With strict instructions to him not to move, I went over by the door. I spotted something gold-colored glittering there--the ring that had held it to the chain! But no watch! Then I asked the nearest cashier if anybody had seen a watch, and nearly had to pick my jaw up off the floor from the shock when I was told that one had been turned in to the service desk. Mom had given it to me for Christmas the year before, so I was especially glad to have it back again.

I went back over to my new 'puter and waited for mom to help me check out--a big silly grin on my face and a song in my heart--I was finally a 'puter person!!

P.S. A special thanks to Margie for the title to this story, I had never heard that term for the Christmas shopping day from hell!! And you can bet your sweet patootey I have learned my lesson--NOTHING is a good enough deal to get me to brave crowds like that again--NOTHING!!! The good Lord delivered me once, I would never ask for that same protection again! Even knowing how it turned out, if I had the chance to do it over again, I WOULD NOT!! NO WAY!! Those people scared the daylights out of me!!!