We would also like to imagine a world in which we came home to find
Pamela Anderson in a skin tight bathing suit begging us to make her our
"Red Hot Monkey Slave of Love".
Unfortunately (And I mean that more than you could ever know)
this is not the world in which we live.
No there are evil, militant, fanatical groups working day and night
to destroy our country.And I'm not just talking about Congress either!
Believe or not Foreign Powers are continuing to send mail to this country!
Even as we speak!
What are your chances of encountering a letter bomb?
Postal experts have determined in an exhaustive study costing millions of dollars
and lasting over twelve and a half years that the average person's chances of handling
a letter bomb are, and I quote,"A Skazillion to one I guess. Maybe more. I don't know !
Did you really wake me up just to ask me that?"
Yes Dear Reader a skazillion to one!!!!
Or about twice the chance that Ebonics will someday become the official language
of the Aryan Nation!!!!
"But Doug" you may ask "How can I as one of the vast, stupid, gullible Public (no offense)
ever possibly spot a letter bomb?
And which Postal Supervisor should I hand it to?"
Well Dear Reader here are a few of the telltale signs to look for when handling the mail.
1) Exposed wires or fuse with attached note reading; "Dear Postal Dupe of Imperialist Oppressor Please light before delivering.Thanks! J"
2) Every other letter in the address is a swastika.
3) Obviously fictitious return address i.e.: "Philadelphia Eagles Fan Club"
4) Package may contain message such as "LETTER BOMB! DO NOT DELAY!!!" or "WARNING! FRAGILE!! I MEAN IT!!!! MAY EXPLODE!!! "FOR GOD"S SAKE HANDLE WITH CARE!!!!!!!
5) Envelope might read "Personal. To be opened only by Miserable Fascist Dung Eating Imperialistic Pig (Your Name Here) or Current Occupant."
6) Stamps on envelope clearly depict Iraqi Dictator Saddam Hussein giggling uncontrollably. Specially coded or cryptic messages on packages such as "Ix Nay! Arning Way!! Etter Lay Omb Bay!"
To All Postal Employees:
Although the temptation to open a suspicious looking package
that could kill or cripple you for the rest of your life
must be enormous please avoid this practice as it has resulted
in significantly increased janitorial fees this last fiscal year alone.
To The General Public:
If you as a Postal Patron should spot any of these signs
do not hesitate to inform your Postmaster immediately!
He has requested that it be by phone.
Preferably long distance.
ODE TO THE MAD POET'S SOCIETY
This poem shall now be called to order
smoky, bluelight, purplehaze/
looming inside bat-filled cave
ivory sailor’s puffing pipe/ clarinet doth bless the night
recite poems of poets dead/ Pablo the headless raises his head
cherry lipstick painted on cheeks/ Cherokee warpaint
teenage speak/ vernacular/ verse Vikings of the night
20-20 vision/ eagle eye sight.
cloaked baby bards of Avon… breath… puff
smoky, bluelight, yellow gas/ essence of poets past
gold clarinet in honor gleams
drop of water from rose bud seems
not enough to quench the thirst
of ye cotton throated captain’s girth
words wisp as willows ‘pon the wind
grey ghosts of Cupid’s shadow roams the earth
Roam he goes, roam he goes, roam he goes
Romeo, Oh Romeo, where forth art thou, Romeo
darling daughters of the muuuuse… ic
lend me your ear/ for what it’s worth
I fear/ arrow hot/ muzzled not
Neil the Romantic has been shot/ silent
moment/ spirit sparks like embers
one’s wonder wanders/ as odes o’er ages of oceans
or ever oak timbers/ bare the pages… poets paint on
write on/ sail on puddle of tears
smeared salty windows/ eye see crimson crescendos
like melted candle wax/ black blood drops/ dew drops
from dead poets pen/ never to scribe again…
Oh! budding garden of men!
gather ye rosebuds while ye may
old Time is still a-flying
and this same flower that smiles today
tomorrow will be dying
I LOVE MY JOB
Dr "JAWS" Seuss
I love my Job I do! I do!
I love it more than you or you!
I love my Job, I love the pay!
I love it more and more each day.
I love my Boss;
Why, he's the best!
And I love his boss and all the rest.
I want to work first fast
For my best friend the Plant Manager!
I love every boss that I can see
Including the new PMG!
I love my Post Office and its location -
Gosh I hate to take vacation!
My building’s orange, blue and big
And the summer air
Smells just like pigs!
I love the Plant that I am in
The inside’s kept neat as a pin
I love my workplace, drab and gray,
And the letters that pile up each day!
I love the dust the dirt, the smell!
There’s nothing that I love so well!
I love to work among my peers -
I love their leers,
their jeers and sneers.
They love to joke
and kid and laugh
Though mostly it’s behind my back.
I love computers and their software;
I love them though they just don't care.
I love each scheme, key hit and file,
I try to remember them once in a while!
I'm happy to be here,
I am I am;
I'm a happy slave of Uncle Sam.
I love my Job – I'll say it again
I even love these friendly men.
These men who've visited today
In big white coats to take me away!
And now I love my padded cell!
Why, there's nothing else I love so well.
Only one thing could improve this place
Could you send me a letter case?
To make sure it won't show up a mess
You'd better send it UPS!
TWAS BEAUTY THAT KILLED THE BEAST
King Kong was a monster
At least that was the way he was portrayed
But all Kong did was fall in love
With the beauty that was Fay Wray
It’s just another tragic tale of unrequited love
Kong only did what any man would do
To protect the woman that he loved
He carried her to safety
When death threatened from above
And as he fell from atop the tower
He held Faye tenderly in his grasp
For no harm would come
To the woman he loved
As long as his life last
Kong took his final breath that night
And to say the very least
It was not man, nor planes, nor guns that night
Twas beauty that killed the beast