'Neil Patrick Harris'
This kid may be the gayest kid ever to pledge this fraternity. This kid is so gay, he made an active tense up while trying to pee on the rules by just staring at the active's penis and licking his lips. Try not to look into his eyes because it feels like he is raping you in his mind, just ask Johnny Pidgen Toe. This faggot is a wannabe jersey shore member. His V necks, tight jeans, jewelry, and product are what keeps him sane in this horrible place. We havent had a kid that was this metrosexual since Jean Pierre. GTL!
'Goldberg'
GOLDBERG! Nobody knows how this kid made it. He was by far the worst green-bencher in history. Not even as close to the worst greenbencher of last year, Fat Bastard, who thought greenbenching was sitting in a catchers stance. His definition of green-benching would be, laying on his brother beside him screaming "HELP!" and not being even close to 90 degrees. He loves being in fraternity but he true love, and that sweet lady is food. Rumor has it, he once smuggled a whole tray of cookies outta hicks by securely tucking the cookies inside his fat rolls. But that is beside the point, because Goldberg was the worst greenbencher, and his goalie character in the movie wasnt any better. Come on Goldberg!
'Hot Hands Hanon'
This kid might look like Rainman, but he actually knows his fraternity stuff. Hot hands can't catch a football but can catch a brick up side the head from Ron Burgundy on any given day. He talks to his hands daily to make them work properly but they never seem to follow what he says, which is very tough when he beats it due to his lack of poon on the reg. The only thing he really knows how to do is drink and thats not sayin much due to the fact that 2 beers puts him in a blackout state. Keep falling on your face Rainman, the deer isn't looking at you.
'The Grapist'
This kid shows the greatest chances of appearing on the famous NBC TV show, "How to catch a Predator with Chis Hanson". This species of male hunts its prey at night and the ones that are highly intoxicated are the most likely to be attacked. It is known that this male drinks seltzer water at all the parties to stay sober so he can pounce on his blackouted prey. But this much poon comes with a lot of responsibility. The Grapist must take care of himself, by showering and dowsing himself with many different pheromones to attract his prey. There no moral standards too low or too high for this male, he will find you and he will GRAPE YOU!
'Cryin Seacrest'
This kid could be called a faggot just for the fact that he is on the soccer team, but we are better than that. This kid has a more serious problem, he suffers from the newly discovered disease, "POOPAPHOBIA". This is the fear of poop or anything poop related. He starts to weep and cry just of the thought of it. This is very sad, but on a high note this kid knows how to eat and onion and drink a gallon of water in a efficient manner, something that cannot be said for the rest of his pledge class. Cryin says if he were gay, he would be getting more action than he is now and it is ok to cry, it just means you care. Overall who knows what is going on inside his head, but he might make you the next American Idol if you give him what he wants, just not poop.
'Ron Burgundy'
Ron Burgundy likes to take long walks on the beaches of Grove City and do girls in the butt on a unicorn on a "Rainbow" bridge. Yea he takes them to a so called pleasure-town. He loves to stay in Grove City, which in German means, Barely Anybody Gets Vagina. Along with his jazz flute, he dabbles in cologne, and his favorite is Sex Grover by Odeon, works 33% of the time, all the time. There one thing that Ron likes more than anything in the world, that is his best friend, Tiny Tim. Tiny Tim poops in the fridge, upsets Cryin Seacrest, eats a whole wheel of cheese, and amazes Ron all the time. Even though he gets trapped in a glass case of emotion and makes a bad choice of milk on occasions, but his motto has always been when its right, its right. How now brown cow, the human torch was denied a bank loan, by the beard of Zeus, Go Fuck Yourself Grove City!
'Cock-Eye The Sailor Man'
Old Cockeye The Sailor Man, what a dude. The hasn't been a kid with as chill factor as high as him, since McCoy. He keeps to himself but loves to have a good time, especially at the alumni party. He partied so hard that nobody knew where he disappeared to and i dont think he even knows. He probably hasn't even woke up yet. Maybe a little of McCumlovin's green will help him wake up, spinach of course. Better watch out when he gets his green because he goes into blackout mode nobody has every seen. I'm strong to the finish, 'cause I eats me Spinach, I'm Cockeye the sailor man! A-gah-gah-gah-gah-gah-gah!
'Lex Luthor'
Lex Luthor is one jacked and intimidating dude. People should have seen him at the going active party, his highlight of the night was getting his brand and enjoying it and looking for more. Very scary, just like his cartoon counterpart. Lex really doesn't say much but when he does it means something. I guess thats why he is the sergeant at arms of the fraternity. He already threatened to kill people and plans to kill Superman before he graduates. But there is one person that Lex would like to kill more than Superman before this semester ends and if that person is allowed back into this school, Fat Bastard is dead. I don't even want to know what he is going to him. Stay outta of his way, nobody know what he is capable of, he will find your kryptonite.
'Tiny Tim'
God Bless this little man. Even though he is a small guy, he doesn't put up with much, just ask the Pi's. With his tiny figure and quick hands, he single handedly stole at a minimum of 3 Pi jackets. He and Ron Burgundy make a great couple. Ron can reach all the things on the top shelf, while Tim can get the things that are in those tight places. You rarely see these to separated, only if Burgandy is flogging some broad in the butt or playing his jazz flute. But for even as small as he is he can still drink more than Hot Hands on any given day, which doesn't say much. But all in all he always says, God Bless us, everyone, except Fat Bastard.
