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WARNING: Dont operate heavy machinery whilst reading these jokes!

What did one clover say to the other clover?
A. Take me to your weeder

What did Billy say after he learned how to count money?
A. It all makes cents now

What runs but doesn't get anywhere?
A. A refrigerator

What did the stamp say to the envelope?
A. Stick with me and we will go places

If athletes get athlete's foot, then what do astronauts get?
A. Missle toe

What kind of lights did Noah use on the Ark?
A. Flood lights

What can jump higher than a house?
A. Anything, houses can't jump!

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back to you?
A. A stick

What sort of star is dangerous?
A. A shooting star

What do computers do when they get hungry?
A. They eat chips

Why did the belt go to jail?
A. Because it held up a pair of pants

What do you call a kid with a lightbulb in his head?
A. A bright kid

What did the painter say to the wall?
A. One more crack like that and I'll plaster you!

Why do golfers wear two pairs of pants?
A. In case they get a hole in one

Why did the computer sneeze?
A. It had a virus

What did the the tie say to the hat?
A. You go on a head, I'll just hang around

What do moon people do when they get married?
A. They go off on their Honey Earth

Why did the doctor tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
A. Because she didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!

Girl: Doctor, doctor everyone thinks I'm a liar.
Doctor: I don't believe you

What is a computer's favorite dance?
A. Disk-o

Why did the barber win the race?
A. Because he took a short cut.

Which is the longest word in the dictionary?
A. "Smiles". Because there is a mile between each "s"!

What did the pencil sharpener say to the pencil?
A. Stop going in circles and get to the point!

How do you make a hotdog stand?
A. Steal its chair!

What's big and white and lives on the mars?
A. A martianmellow.

Why did the boy blush when he opened the fridge?
A. Because he saw the salad dressing.

Why was six afraid of seven?
A. Because seven, eight, nine (seven ate nine)

What kind of car does Luke Skywalker drive?
A. A toy-yoda

Why did the boy throw the clock out the window?
A. To see time fly!

Why did the computer squeak.
A. Because someone stepped on it's mouse

How do you make a tissue dance?
A. Put some BOOGIE in it!

And NOW for a biiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiig one:

"There were 3 strings and they wanted to go to a restaurant for supper. The first string went in and the waiter looked at him and said "Are you a string?" and the string said "yes" so the waiter said "I'm sorry. We don't serve strings." The second string came in and the waiter looked at him and said "Are you a string?" and the string said "yes" so the waiter said "I'm sorry. We don't serve strings." Then the third string tied himself in a knot and frayed the ends. He walked into the restaurant and the waiter looked him up and down and said "Are you a string?" and the string said "No I'm a frayed knot (afraid not)."