When Was It You Turned Away?


When Was It You Turned Away?



By Carter aka Colby

Disclaimer:All characters belong to abc TV but we can dream we own them. The first song is Ex-Factor By Laryn Hill, the second song is You Don’t Love Me Like You Used To by the Philosopher Kings.
Rating:Pg -13
Summary:A continuation of Feb. 15th’s episode. EPISODE SUMMARY HERE! In this story, Nikolas stays with Kathrine during the snow storm, (Come on, like Anyone would rather share a room with Emily Q. Male or Female!) And they talk some, scream some and do something more . . .




‘Well,’ Kathrine thought to herself as she took a deep centering breath through her nose and angled her head back, wiping the moisture from beneath her eyes. ‘What was that line, that famous one from Gone With The Wind After all, tomorrow is another day’ . She stood and lightly shook her blonde locks to clear her thoughts “Well, Scarlett was right ” She picked up her half empty champagne glass and toasted her, “Here’s to you my dear!” She downed her drink and wiped her eyes once more, ‘We’re cut from the same cloth’ she thought as she picked up her purse and set her shoulders back. She e had been rejected, hurt, embarrassed and needed something a wee bit stronger than champaign. Vodka straight sounded nice, perhaps a lemon twist? She occupied her mind with senseless chatter on the way down to the lobby and towards the bar.

She smiled at the bartender and tapped her fingertips on the wooden table as she decided what t o order, finally deciding to get the bartenders opinion “Hi, can I just get the most utterly strongest drink that you have and double it and send it my way” She smiled sweetly and cocked her head to one side as she climbed up on to the stool, “Rough day? Sorry, that was uncreative.” He handed her her drink, a glass filled with an amber liquid “Yes it was but it was also true so I’ll forgive you” She took a sip and scrunched her face, “Oh, that, that was strong” She took another sip “But it was what I needed” She looked around the bar which was filling up “What’s with the crowd?” The bartender continued putting the clean cups away, below him at the bar ”That? The parking lot’s been snowed in, no one can get out, and the roads aren’t much better. So If I’m lucky, this will be the start of a beautiful friendship?” She smiled at her and she bent her head down, her eyes looking up at him. It was a big doe-eyed come hither look, one she’d perfected back in high school, she brought it out now as she slowly dipped her finger into the thick amber liquid and raised the hand to her eye level, watching a drop trickle down her fingers falling between her pinkie and her ring finger. She ran the finger over the rim of the glass “Hasn’t anyone told you to never get involved with a woman who drinks. She’s got something to hide” He looked into her eyes and his smile changed, became more human, less leering. “Nope, no one’s told me that”
“I just did” She smiled up at him, a genuine smile. A man sat down beside her “Can I get you a drink?” Kathrine let her mind wander with her head, the man’s cologne was familiar, it was on her now “Kathrine” She looked beside her and back to her drink, finishing it, “Can I get you another” he asked
”No, um, I think I’m done, can I get the bill?” He handed her a slip of paper and a pen and she turned around in her seat ‘Kathrine I-”
“Nikolas, if this is one of those Kathrine, you’re a bitter bitter woman with a desperate desire to be wanted talks-”
“Well someone’s got to say it” Interjected Ned as he and Alexis walked by. “I believe I discussed this with you upstairs, I am not and never will be someone verbal punching bag”
“That’s not what you are” She took his hand in hers
“That’s not what you said at the Quartermains, or at the docks, or in my room. Do you want to know why I suddenly returned your feelings? Your attractions? It wasn’t because they appeared out of nowhere. It was because I thought I could be something more to you “ She handed her bill and pen to the bartender and returned to Nikolas’s glare, “Or maybe not, maybe I was hoping you could be something to me. I don’t know”. She leaned over and kissed his cheek and sat back, speaking even softer than before “But I do think that you should avoid me for a while Nikolas because I can’t control myself around you and as the saying goes, hell hath no furry” She stood and bid good night to the bartender , she walked away from him, until his hand slipped off of hers. “Kathrine, wait” She paused for no more than a moment, and returned to her path to the elevators.

As the doors glided shut, she turned around and saw Nikolas stand. The first tear fell onto the back of her hand. She brushed it away. A second fell, as did the third and forth. She started to brush them away with her fingers and the back of her hand, smudging her mascara into the smoky eyed gaze the magazines were showing. Of course, it looked better on the models, who’s eyes lacked the puffy redness of Kathrines. The bell dinged Kathrine out of her daze and made her way to her room, mercifully, without seeing anyone.


She closed her door after her and leaned back against it. How could just seeing him make her knees go week, her heart go wild and her mind scream stop all at once? He acted like a child, a little boy, he was a boy. She loved a boy! Love? She thought, did I just think love? She was busy throwing herself at this boy who called her desperate, not in words, but in looks. A boy who couldn’t handle her at anything less then her well mannered peak. He wasn’t a boy. Oh damn! She was confusing herself now! She walked to the bathroom and turned the shower on and walked out, slipping her jacket off which landed on the ground. She then struggled with her zipper in the back “it’s a lot easier with a man” She murmured to herself, she smiled and her red-rimmed blue eyes twinkled, the dress slid down to the floor, she grabbed her pajamas from beneath the covers. The steam was already pouring out of the room as Kathrine walked in. She set her pajamas on the counter and picked up her waterproof walkman and jumped into the shower.

Mere moments lather, the door opened, unknown to Kathrine, with the help of the key kept in her purse that she had forgotten at the bar. Nikolas stepped in, and heard Kathrine singing some song over the showers noise, a song which pulled at his heart strings. Why was he here? The woman scared him, she was right, only she told him the truth, only she was honest with him and was the only one he had been honest with. Which is why he wanted her. He knew he would hurt her, he had before but today was the worst. He walked around the room and picked up Kathrines clothes and placed them neatly on the desk. He sat down on the edge of her bed and waited. And waited.


“Is this just a silly game/that forces you to scream my name/then pretend that you can’t stay...” Her voice died down to a clutter of words. The sound of the shower stopped suddenly and her voice soared between the door “No matter how I think we grow / You always seem to let me know / It ain’t workin’ / And when I tried to walk away / you’d hurt yourself to make me stay / This is crazy”
The door opened and Kathrine stepped out out of the bathroom singing ”I keep letting you back in, how can I-Nikolas?what are you doing here?” Her voice dropped from her singing sounds to quiet words “You, you left your purse downstairs” He held out the purse and placed it on the desk by the bed. “Thank you for bringing it up.” Nikolas stood up and walked next to Kathrine, standing in the center of her room ”Look Kathrine” She walked to the bed and threw off the pillows and turned down the covers. “Kathrine, I didn’t come here for th-” She cut him off
“Despite the contrary, not everything with me is about sex. I’m going to sleep” She stood by her bed and looked at him, looking at her with a decidedly odd look. “So, that would mean-What?Nikolas?What are you looking at?” He smiled slightly and looked down “It’s nothing Kathrine, it’s just”
“Just what?”
“Just I’ve never seen you in pajamas and wet hair and no make up”
“Surprise, surprise, you saw and you survive to tell the tale”
“I didn’t mean that in . . .you’re really rather beautiful”
“In jammies and wet hair and all?”
“Yes”
“Thank you” She hopped into bed in her gray baggy sweatpants shorts and a white tank top, crossing her legs and hugging a pillow tight. She looked up attentively bitting her lower lip like a little girl. She watched Nikolas sit on the edge of the bed , lowering her eyes to her pillow and then back up to him. “What did I do that was so wrong?”
“What?”
“I must have done something Nikolas, something to turn you away from me”
“Kathrine, I, you aren’t yourself”
“Yes I am, Nikolas, don’t you see that? I wondered how long it would be for you to see me this way. Disappointed?”
“No”
“Well, what was it? A year ago you were in love with me or so you say, and now that you have me, what?”
“Kath-”
“Nikolas, don’t get me wrong I mean, I’m not going to go crazed-stalker on you, I just want to know so if I’m lucky enough to have someone half as wonderful as you, I don’t screw it up. What happened Nikolas?”
“Kathrine, it’s not”
“Nikolas” She threw him a friendly smile “If the next words out of your mouth are ‘it’s not you it’s me” I swear, I’ll have to cry”
“But it’s not you”
“Well tell me what it is”
“I” He stopped, starting again and opened his mouth but no sound came out. Kathrine stretched out her hand to his and held it, resting it on his thigh. It wasn’t a sexual gesture, but something that she had always done. “You never came after me Kathrine” He looked from her eyes to their hands. “At the Quartermains, you remember, right after we, you know, I left you and you didn’t care. Later, on the docks, it was, it was just physical, nothing more.”
“So” She took a breath and squeezed his hand “You call me worthless, and meaningless to you and storm off. You then expect me to run to you with even more of my heart?Nikolas, physical relationships, for me, have no risk, none. I'm attracted to you Nikolas, I’m not denying this, but emotionally, Nikolas, I’m in love with and you don’t care. And If I can’t have your heart, then I’d rather have you. Nikolas, you hurt me, every time you leave me. I tried not to separate my feelings, emotion and physical,but , when you crossed that line Nikolas, I couldn’t do it anymore. I couldn’t go after you the way you wanted me to. I gave and gave and you didn’t even take and I can’t give anymore Nikolas. You’re on you're own now.” She leaned forward and brushed his face with a touch like angels wings and with angels wings kissed him, first one side of his face, then the other. She began to pull back when he held her waist and pulled her to him. She was on her stomach now, her legs stretched out behind her, her upper body in his arms”Kathrine?”
“yes?”
He bent down and kissed her lips, overpowering them into submission, he heard his name pass through her lips, felt her body beneath her hands, smelt the rose scent of her hair, tasted her lips, newly brushed with a mint toothpaste, and most importantly, he could see her contentment, to be in his arms. He rolled around so Kathrine was now pinned beneath his body. He moved his lips lower and lower, to her neck, where he felt her pulse quicken beneath his tounge, lower to the hollow in her neck, which tickled her always. He kissed the flesh exposed. He slid a hand up from her waist to her shoulders, sliding it off and with that move, felt her tense. “Kathrine?What’s wrong?”
”I, I can’t do this Nikolas, I’m sorry. “ She slipped out from under him and crawled back to her corner of the bed. “I thought I could do it Nikolas, separate emotion from this, I can’t. You don’t feel that I’m good enough for you. You showed me that much earlier when you realized how human I was. I’ve had it with dysfunctional romances and affairs.” She looked away as Nikolas stood on his feet and made his way towards the door. “I can’t do this Kathrine, hot and cold, you aren’t the only one who tries to separate emotions from physical, why do you think I didn’t go through with it earlier? You were pushing me away,-”She cut him off with flashing eyes and flaming words “I was not. I was myself, nothing different, it was ‘me’ who pushed me away, not my emotions!”
“Get off it Kathrine, I’ve seen you at your darkest and I’m still here so don’t give me this trash about I was frightened off by you, I’ve stuck by you in worst situations. Kathrine, complete indifference one moment and total chaos the next. I can’t do this anymore!”
“I’m not asking you to!You don’t deserve-”
“So now I’m not good enough.”
“I didn’t say-”
“Well what did you say?”
“I said that I wouldn’t drag you into this hell!”
“And yet you wonder why I’m so reluctant to let you into me Kathrine!” He crossed the room in two swift steps and opened the door, turning back to say goodbye, yet there she was, at his side. “Is this considered going after you?” The room was silent, the halls too, it was 2:47, snow gently falling to the ground.

Her voice was angry, how dare she feel entitled to be angry? How dare she act self-ritious? How dare she make me go completely crazy and a part of him screamed to leave, go to Emily, safety. Yet a part of him quietly shut the door and shed his jacket, grabbed her shoulders and kissed her. A breathless moment later, they stopped out of breath. She leaned against his chest, laying her hand on his heart. “I don’t think I can go back to being friends Kathrine, not after this”
“I know”
“But I can’t be cut off from you, any part of you.”
“And what about you?”
“What about me? I’ve always been an open book for you” Still in his arms she pulled back and looked up, “No Nikolas, you aren’t” She raised her hand to touch his hair, whispering “But you need to be”
“So, Kathrine, where do we go now?I mean you and me, are we a ‘thing’?”
“I don’t know, do you want to be?”
“I don’t know Kathrine, do you want to be?That’s a big move”
“Oh, well, if you don't want to”
“I never said that. It’s not my choice alone Kathrine, what about the comments you’ll get?”
“I’ve gotten them before”
“Helena?”
“I could care less about her, I want to concentrate on you and me!Us! If that’s what you want?”
“Kathrine, you know that that martini Laura threw at you wasn’t the last”
“I know, but I also know that she leads with her left. I’ll duck the next time. How did you hear about that anyway?”
“I ... are we going to do this?”
“I don’t know, are we?”
“I’ll do it if you will Kath.”
“Yes.”
“Yes?”
“YES!” she cried out
“Really?” Nikolas did not wait for an answer, he picked up his lover and swung her around and around. she laughed out loud, “Put me down you beast! Let go!Let go!” He gently placed her down and held on to her. She smiled wickedly, bitting her lower lip and taking his hands, leading him to her bed “One more try?” She asked. He bent down and kissed her on the lips, “They say third times the charm Kathrine”

~~~

She lay against his chest listening to him talk, drowsiness making him sound like a little boy of 6, sleepy and playful, his busy hands bitting into her hair. “And then we can...Kathrine?” She looked up at him and smiled “Kathrine, do regret this?”
“Us?” She asked
“Yes”
“No Nikolas I don’t. Do you?”
“Nope” he yawned and shut his eyes, “I love you”
“What?” Kathrine sat up, looking at him, lost in sleep
“You heard me Kathrine, I love you”
“I love you too” She lay back down and nestled herself back into his arms
“I know you do” She laughed at this, at him looking like an angel in the dark. She kissed his swollen lips and tucked the blankets around their shoulders and closed her eyes. What had she gotten herself into?

-Fini