Sheila O'Byrne, Ph.D. C. Psych.
 

 In :  Family Zoo Magazine - April 1999 edition
 

When I first learned, from an amniocentesis test, that the baby I was carrying was a boy, part of me was relieved. Having recovered from an eating disorder, I believed that in contrast to girls, boys were less likely to be concerned about things like body fat, and thus my son would be less apt to develop an eating  disorder. I have since learned that is not necessarily the case, that although male cases are rare, boys are also at risk. In fact, this is not surprising, since one of the underlying causes of eating disorders is the desire to avoid feelings, an experience many people can relate to.

My son Regan is now six-years-old. I have learned a lot about how to raise him from my life experiences, from reading books, from my family and other mothers. Perhaps the tools I have applied the most are those I learned from my own recovery.  Eating disorders are about avoiding ourselves. Initially we use food for comfort, because we want to avoid an uncomfortable feeling, thought or situation. By either under-eating or over-eating, we use food as an escape. Alcohol, drugs and cigarettes accomplish the same effect.  Recovery is about learning how to face, rather than avoid, our feelings, thoughts and life situations. Prevention is about teaching our children to do the same.

As parents, we sometimes wonder if we are doing the right things for our children. In fact, we should be looking at our own behaviour, recognizing that our actions are the most powerful teaching tools we
possess. If we use food, alcohol, drugs or cigarettes for comfort, we are teaching our children to do the same. Our children are like sponges.   They absorb everything we do and they imitate the very behaviour we model, both healthy and unhealthy. In addition, we need to examine the kinds of comfort tools we find ourselves 'naturally' applying to a situation. If your toddler has fallen and hurt his knee, or your youth is experiencing hurt over a disagreement with a friend at school, how often do you find yourself offering food as a consolation? Many of us grew up with cookies and milk to comfort us during troubled times.  Unfortunately, cookies and milk are comforting only in the short-term. In the  long-term, whatever feelings were suppressed with food, remain stored inside - waiting to emerge at a later time.

One of my bulimic clients recalls her mother giving her bread and honey when she felt badly. Many people can relate to a tendancy to make things better with food. I have been tempted to give Regan treats when he is upset but I don't do it because I know that if I do, I am teaching him to use food to avoid pain, disappointment and uncomfortable situations. Instead I tell him feelings are a part of our lives. We need to just feel them.   While growing up, you may have heard, "Don't cry honey, it's okay." This message, even when given with love, is clearly saying, "Stop crying. Stop feeling those feelings."This teaches the avoidance of feelings. The solution is simple. We need to FEEL our feelings and teach our children to do the same. The hurts, disappointments, rejections, and fears are all surmountable if we simply address them. And here's the miraculous part about feelings: If you let yourself feel them, the bad ones melt away like an ice cube in your hand. That layer we have faced and felt, is done and gone. Another layer may emerge but that one will also pass if we FEEL it. When either Regan or I are crying we always say, "It's okay to cry." Also I reaffirm to him that by feeling the feelings, they will melt like an ice cube and be done. This is comforting to both of us.  I teach that we are a four-part system: mind, body, emotions and spirit. All of these parts need our attention. When it comes to the mind, I speak about negative mind-talk. This refers to our tendency to be unkind to ourselves. Children are often critical of themselves.

Sometimes Regan says he doesn't like his hair, his body, and on occasion  even himself. We talk a lot together. With regard to his hair, we might talk about getting a different cut. I let him tell the hairdresser what he wants. When it comes to his body, I explain that he needs to love his body. I tell him that what we think, can happen. I give him the example of a person, who is driving a car and saying, "I'm going to have a car accident, I'm going to have a car accident, I'm going to have a car accident." I then ask him what is going to happen. He says, "that person is going to have a car accident." I tell him it works the same way with what we tell ourselves. I encourage him to use positive words about his body and himself.

Finally, if you want to prevent eating disorders and foster good health in your children, it is very important to teach them about their own inner source of wisdom. Call it gut feelings, instincts, inner wisdom, or just plain intuition, I have learned that it is our Soul's way of communicating things to us. If we avoid our emotions and give credence to negative mind-talk, our natural source of wisdom is covered up by an abundance of negative feelings and unresolved issues. This can cause much discomfort, and, over time, can cause a person to start using food, or some other substance to avoid the pain. By teaching our children about their intuition we are taking steps towards the prevention of eating disorders.

Here are some examples of things I do to try and bring awareness of this inner guidance to my son's life. The meals I give him always contain vegetables, complex carbohydrates and protein. I never make him eat, instead I encourage him to try a bit of everything. What he eats from the food groups is up to him. I tell him to listen to his stomach, in other words to his own inner guidance. I know from studies that if he is listening to his body, and he eats more from one food group than another, it is because his body needs more of that particular food at that time. I also know that if a food is denied, at some point it will be overeaten. Sometimes Regan wants a treat before dinner. I tell him he can have a treat after dinner. Sometimes he is upset and that is okay.  At dinner, if he has only eaten a few bites of food, I say he must eat a little more. If he doesn't want more dinner then he forfeits the treat. Usually he eats a few more bites and then I allow him the treat. I remind him again to listen to his stomach. I allow him to eat as much of the treat as he wants. By doing so, he is getting to know how his own system tells him what it wants and when enough is enough.  Sometimes Regan has eaten too much of a sugary treat. He then tells me he doesn't feel good. We talk about how he didn't listen very well to his signals inside. He agrees and he learns.

It is important to let children learn what their bodies need and how to interpret their internal signals. You may recall your parents saying, "You're not leaving the table until you've cleaned up your plate." This may have enhanced your ingenuity, as you invented ways to hide peas in your napkin or pass meat to the drooling dog at your feet, but we all know that it did not teach you to listen to the needs of your own body. It is when we insist that our children eat this or that, or that they 'clean up their plates', that they lose touch with their own inner guidance. They are listening from the outside and not the inside. In time they lose touch with their physical signals and eat what they are told to eat. This is particularly dangerous to a child who has a propensity to develop eating disorders. That includes children who come angry, and children who receive food to comfort them.

 We are all doing our best in how we raise our children, no matter what we do. The important thing I try to remember is, if I am to be successful at ensuring my child does not use food to avoid his emotions, I must practice and teach the following:
1)feel our feelings;
2)be aware of when we use food or other substances for comfort;
3)change negative mind-talk to positive affirming and
4)listen to our intuition, our inner guidance - about what, when and how much to eat.