"Reporter's Inside Stories: An Interview With Brainy Smurf"

Story by Vic George
Based on the Smurf concept of characters by Peyo
Brainy's typical behavior

Reporter: Now we have the most interesting subject to interview for my installment of Inside Stories...a Smurf that needs no introduction, because he already knows how to introduce himself. He is the village intellectual and Papa Smurf's laboratory assistant, Brainy Smurf, who never fails to let us know how much he knows. In recent years he has discovered that he is the half-brother of Empath, which no doubt has changed how he sees himself and how others see him, if not always for the better. He should be smurfing here any minute now...

(Reporter then sees Brainy land on his head, obviously hurled across the village by some Smurf who get fed up listening to him. Reporter watches as Brainy picks himself up.)

Brainy: Ah, Reporter Smurf. I was about to smurf you for my interview.

Reporter: I'm glad that you are able to drop in, so to speak. I see that you are at your usual business of sharing your wisdom and intelligence with your fellow Smurf.

Brainy: Of course I was, Reporter. You should know by now that wisdom and intelligence are very important assets to Smurf civilization, and Smurfs wouldn't be who, what, and where they are without the most brilliant and inspired and innovative minds that are most educated and the most willing to share that information with every Smurf in the hopes that...

Reporter: I get the picture, Brainy. So how is it that you got to be so intelligent in the first place?

Brainy: It all started when I was just a baby Smurf, Reporter. Like my father, the ever-so-brilliant and inspired Aristotle Smurf, the greatest of all intellectuals even in Papa Smurf's generation, I was smurfed into the world with a case of astigmatism, which is where everything is so blurry that I would need glasses to smurf clearly. When I first smurfed my pair of glasses, I smurfed my first book all by myself...and it wasn't some ordinary children's book that I was reading, it was The Axioms Of Aristotle Smurf. From there my father would smurf me books from the Smurf house of archives that I would read on all types of subjects: art, literature, history, science, philosophy. I could never smurf enough of reading books, and amazingly I understood it all at such an early age, that my father had smurfed me as a child prodigy.

Reporter: Which made the rest of your fellow Smurfs wonder what the smurf you were talking about when you were talking to them. But you always seem like the Smurf who just wants attention.

Brainy: That's just part of my nature, Reporter. I turned out to be the last Smurf born of my generation, and I didn't like knowing that when I found out about it, just as much as I didn't like being teased about being a "bastard Smurfling", which unfortunately is what I was in the technical sense. I had to smurf myself as being an important Smurf as anyone else, and sometimes I smurf overboard on getting the attention that I deserve from my fellow Smurfs. But I wouldn't smurf the things that I do if I didn't care for my fellow Smurfs, to make sure that they would be inspired to be just as brilliant and educated and intelligent as I am.

Reporter: So how did you and Clumsy end up being friends?

Brainy: I honestly don't know how, Reporter. Clumsy was just such an annoying tag-along Smurf who wanted to smurf anywhere or anything that I smurf, and I just couldn't get rid of him. Over time he ended up becoming the Smurf who would listen to me the most, even if he couldn't understand a word that I was smurfing. He rarely if ever smurfs mad at me for anything, which is about the best thing I could smurf for him. I guess I just smurfed sorry for him being the Smurf that he was born as, and if he could smurf out to be a better Smurf in the end, then my smurfing with him was worth the effort.

Reporter: The two of you are constantly seen together so much, it makes others think what kind of relationship you really have, Brainy.

Brainy: Well, let me smurf for the record that my relationship with Clumsy isn't the kind of relationship that most people or Smurfs think we have, Reporter. Me and Clumsy are just good friends, even if at times I abuse my end of the relationship and drag Clumsy into all smurfs of trouble, like with the gingerbread Smurf cookies that we smurfed one time when Papa Smurf wasn't here. I do get angry with Clumsy for his clumsiness and his stupidity, make no mistake, because he does drive me smurfy with the innate elements of his personality. But I know that he can't help being the Smurf that he is most of the time, and he feels just as much an outcast for being Clumsy as I feel about being Brainy. And if Clumsy loves me despite who I am, then who am I to argue with him about it?

Reporter: What about Tapper? He seems to be the only other Smurf in the village who likes listening to you.

Brainy: That Tapper is just so strange, Reporter. He turns out to be just as wise and intelligent as I am, but strangely the only place that he says he ever truly smurfs any wisdom and knowledge is from that holy book of his. I mean, what kind of a Smurf who would ever be able to smurf that kind of knowledge just from a single book -- unless you count the Great Book Of Answers that Papa Smurf had smurfed in his laboratory one time? I also find it hard to believe in this God that he calls the Almighty, let alone that He smurfs this only begotten Son named Jesus Christ whom Tapper says has died for the sins of the world. I'm the kind of Smurf who requires visible and physical evidence in order for me to believe in any higher power, but Tapper says all I need is a little grain of faith to believe in his God whom I don't ever see or hear, yet he says is very real.

Reporter: Every Smurf seems to have that kind of problem with Tapper, and yet they don't seem to mind sharing what's on their mind with him. Or he letting them share whatever's on their mind.

Brainy: He's the kind of Smurf that nowadays makes me think of Empath -- he's friendly, intelligent, wise, patient, understands a lot of things. He speaks in that funny accent that makes me smurf of Michael the leprechaun, and also dresses so funny with the tie and vest. But I have never met a Smurf who only seems to care about me, just because he cares about my eternal destiny and yet won't push me into smurfing a decision to believe in his God. And he never smurfs angry at me -- unless you count the time when I had to smurf with another Smurf when my house burned down, and just like all the other Smurfs that I had smurfed with, he ended up smurfing me out when I wouldn't abide by his rules as a house guest. He never lets me forget how arrogant I was with my behavior simply by the fact that he never likes getting angry with me or with any Smurf.

Reporter: I'm sure that most Smurfs in this village wouldn't want to see Tapper get angry at all. So how did you feel when you lost your parents and Papa Smurf became the only Smurf in the village to be your parent?

Brainy: Somehow very important, Reporter, because Papa Smurf said that I was the last loving thing that his wife -- my mother -- ended up smurfing him. I had no idea how these two ended up not smurfing together, because I see something between these two that told me they had something smurfing on. My father loved my Mama Smurf, but he was never the Smurf that she would think about, much less the Smurf that she would want to smurf any time with. She was always smurfing about Uncle Cully, that no matter how much he hurt her by whatever he smurfed to her, she just couldn't stop smurfing about him. That made me wonder where I had smurfed from, why it felt like I smurfed a close connection to this Uncle Cully who became Papa Smurf.

Reporter: So you assumed that Papa Smurf was actually your real father, which would explain how you would constantly invoke Papa Smurf's name in whatever you smurf to your fellow Smurfs?

Brainy: Very much so, Reporter. If I was that close to Papa Smurf, then I would smurf everything to please him, to make him see what kind of a son he smurfed into the world, that he would be so proud of me. Of course, it isn't easy trying to smurf for his undivided attention and his love when he had to deal with 97 other young Smurfs around my age. I eventually proved that I could smurf together the formulas in his laboratory whenever he smurfed on experiments, and that made him decide that I should be his apprentice to smurf on his work in the arts of sorcery and alchemy when he smurfs away.

Reporter: Doesn't that job distract you from your desire to be an established book writer?

Brainy: Not at all. I always find time to smurf my thoughts on paper, and sometimes when Papa Smurf doesn't need me in the laboratory, I would spend days smurfing on my books, which are not always easy to write. But in the end, when I have Printer smurfing my latest works for the whole world to read, I find myself feeling glad that my efforts weren't wasted...though finding somebody to read my works is always the greatest challenge.

Reporter: I have noticed that very few Smurfs ever really want to read your books, except for like Empath. Speaking of whom, what was your impression of him when he first smurfed into the village?

Brainy: There was this feeling that I smurfed when I met him -- it smurfed like something familiar, as if he and I were closely related. It would be years before I found out from Papa Smurf that he was my half-brother and that he was the only son of Papa Smurf, not me, which made me feel very betrayed, as if I smurfed all those years smurfing for Papa Smurf for nothing. Anyway, I saw that he had such a smurfing for books just like I did, and so I let him smurf the rest of his first day smurfing out the books in the house of archives. I didn't know that a Smurf like him could smurf a few books in a day, and these were pretty lengthy books, mind you. I knew that he was a Smurf who could listen to me for hours and not get bored, but I think that it's mostly from the training that he smurfed in Psychelia that smurfed him such endurance. He smurfed me that he actually enjoyed listening to me, which made me feel really appreciated.

Reporter: And how do you feel now about Empath that the revelations of your relationship to him were smurfed?

Brainy: That I feel just as connected to him as I did to Papa Smurf, and even though Papa Smurf really wasn't my father, I still feel connected to him as well. I don't really think much has changed between us, though, because he's still one of the few Smurfs who thinks the world of me. I know Clumsy also feels that way about me, and so does Tapper. And Papa Smurf admittedly would never take back his decision to make me his apprentice if he didn't feel that I was equally important to him as Empath is.

Reporter: What do you think of Empath smurfing most of his time with Smurfette?

Brainy: Those two? Rather jealous, Reporter, in that it couldn't be me with Smurfette, because I would smurf anything in the world to be in Empath's place right about now when it comes to smurfing with Smurfette. I do love Smurfette, just as much as any Smurf here does, and I would want her very much to be happy. I'm just not sure how I could make her happy, because most of the time I just annoy her by being who I am, which hardly makes any Smurf happy around here. I don't ever want to sound offensive or arrogant of who I am around her, but I just can't ignore that part of me who wants to be loved and recognized. It's just a shame that I'll never be anything toward Smurfette that would make her consider smurfing the rest of her life with me.

Reporter: Yeah, I know how you feel. Empath's been smurfing a lot with her over the past two years, like smurfing together the Ray Of Sunshine album, which I see most Smurfs are listening and saying it's their favorite album since the Smurflings' "Smurfbop". What's your opinion?

Brainy: On a critical artistic level, it's something totally beyond my comprehension that anyone would find that music even worth listening to. I mean, the Smurflings started the whole thing with that "Smurfbop" tune at the Smurfstock Festival when they arrived in our village, and it hasn't stopped. It smurfs like something that was just made to be consumed by the general listening public, and when they get tired of listening to it, they'll demand that they want something else. That's why I prefer listening to the classics, because they'll never smurf out of style, even when this Ray Of Sunshine smurfs the way of everything else Smurfs listen to.

Reporter: But you are jealous that you can't get other Smurfs to play with you on the Village Smurphony Orchestra nowadays?

Brainy: Frankly, I'm furious. I smurfed my entire life just wanting to be a leader of something, and this was my biggest chance of smurfing so without my being so tyrannical like the time that I was King Smurf. And then the Smurflings came along and ruined everything. Those young upsmurfs just had to smurf up things because they have no appreciation for what's traditional and time-tested. That's why as one of their teachers I have to smurf them straight about Smurf traditions because that's what our society has been smurfed upon and that's what makes us who we are.

Reporter: What do you think about Empath's friend, Polaris Psyche?

Brainy: Probably the same as most Smurfs think about him. He's humorless, he has no personality, he never smiles, he just smurfs like a robot and calls himself "this one" like Empath does. Hardly anything even rattles him. The entire Smurf Forest could be devastated by an earthquake, and he would still react just as calmly as he would to everything else less earth-smurfing. He's also a frustrating opponent when it comes to my favorite game of chess, because even without those minds-eye abilities of his, he can still think many moves ahead of me and smurf me in a checkmate when I least expect it. Of course, he did smurf me that game of his called the Psychelisphere, which I think is the most challenging puzzle game of all, and yet I find myself so addicted to it.

Reporter: Other Smurfs have said it's a pretty fun and yet difficult game to smurf into. So what do you plan on smurfing in the future?

Brainy: Well, if there were a village of female Smurfs out there in the world, which I highly doubt that there is, I would hope that I would find a suitable companion among them who would understand me and accept me for who and what I am, because I wouldn't want to smurf the rest of my life smurfing all by myself. If that wasn't the case, though, I would plan on smurfing Papa Smurf's place and hope to be just as wise and intelligent and knowledgeable as he is. Maybe someday I would smurf friends among the human wizards like Papa Smurf has Homnibus and smurf the humans things that would take Smurfs years to learn about. It's just so amazing that the humans, though bigger than us, have rather short life spans, and it saddens me that our friends like Johan and Peewit will smurf away and we will have to smurf friends with their children or someone.

Reporter: We Smurfs certainly have an advantage over humans in that respect. Speaking of which, in that story Narrator said that he had smurfed in, you were one of the Smurfs who smurfed through time to that magic city in the future where you smurfed these two humans, Patrick and Grace Winslow.

Brainy: That's what I heard, though whether it's true is something only Narrator would know because he has a tendency to leave our stories and enter into other people's. It's just something that he says is in the power of the writers. And speaking of Narrator, I personally think he's trying to copy me and do me one better with that turtlesmurf sweater and jacket of his. I'm sure people who have smurfed that story he was in would be confused when they first smurfed him during that opening sequence with Clumsy smurfing through the village.

Reporter: I probably would be, Brainy, but then I can only imagine that scenario through the Imaginarium.

Brainy: I thought that story was pretty funny and entertaining, though why they would have me smurfing this song that Azrael Rocks is already smurfing with Grouchy and Duncan...er, Gutsy...is beyond me. And who's idea was it for me to be smurfing a rock band called the Brainiacs? Come on, that's got to be the most smurfdiculous name for a music band.

Reporter: Somebody must think it was an inspired idea. After all, it is immortalizing your greatness as a Smurf. And with that, we will be concluding our installment of Inside Stories. Thanks for letting me interview you, Brainy.

Brainy: I always knew that somebody out there would be willing to hear my story, Reporter. I mean, it's not like there aren't other Smurfs in the village whose life stories can quite compare to mine, but I would have to say that mine is pretty unique and worthy of people's attention, and while we are on that subject...

(Brainy notices that Reporter is no longer there.)

Brainy: Well, I'm going to tell this to Papa Smurf!

NOTE: Brainy is voiced by Danny Goldman and Barry Gordon in the Smurfs cartoon show, and by Fred Armisen in the 2011 Smurfs movie.

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