One summer afternoon me and my pal Graeme went to the local liquor store. He was strapped on cash so he was looking for a cheaper substitute to the usual whiskey. The bartender recommended the strong 8% malt beer Bull Max. My friend had nothing to lose so he bought a couple. Later that night he got more fucked then the rest of us drinking whiskey. From that day on I had a certain respect for the power of the malt. Lately I have been drinking almost entirely 40 Oz Malt beers. They are easy on the chequebook and they get you totally sewered. I will post my run-ins with the phenomenon known only as MALT.
After a couple solid years of drinking primarily malt liquor I still love it. Now and again I get hassled and bugged by fellow drinkers, but I usually reply with something like "Shut the Fuck up and keep drinking your diet beer, pussy" Even if I were a millionaire I would continue to drink Olde English. Its not about the money, and thats waht lots of people don't get. 40 ounce malt liquor is and will always be the classiest and most bad-ass alcohol choice. YOUR BUD LIGHTS COULDN'T LIVE A DAY IN THE SHOES OF MY BLACK BULL. If any of you pussies want to convert to real men then email me at morrise18@hotmail.com and we can arrange a night of swilling. Enjoy the readings.
Malts I've Swilled:
Bull Max
Old English(OE)
Mongoose
Black Bull
Extra Gold
Colt 45
Big Bear
Axehead
Black Label Supreme
Force 10
Perfect 10
Ones I would love to get wrecked off of:
Bull Ice
Pit Bull
Blue Bull
Schlitz Red Bull
Schlitz Bull Ice (High Gravity)
Malt Reviews:
OE- What can I say, this has to be pound-for-pound the greatest alcoholic beverage on Earth. Old The 8% alcohol knocks you on your back quite quickly... at least when you swill it fast. You can get it anywhere malts are sold as they are generally regarded as the standard of all malts. God himself had a hand in the brewing process of this liquid velvet. If you are looking to fuck yourself up on a milder and tastier malt I would recommend this brand. 9/10 Hangover- 4/10
Bull Max- Fairly bland 8% 40. Strange in that it's taste and potency vary drastically from bottle to bottle. Seems to be generally replaced by its stronger cousin the 9% Black Bull. NOt a bad malt by any means, but it doesn't stack up to Black Bull and OE.7/10 Hangover- 6/10
Colt 45- This 8% malt tastes like OE and battery acid combined. If you are forced to drink one of these make sure it is after you are already drunk. Another classic scenario where its a coin-toss if it will taste like shit or not. 4/10 Hangover- 8/10
Extra Gold- Black-bottled and 9% this stuff is out right intimidating. Considering its alcohol content this stuff is actually quite tasteless. Since these are harder to find I don't swill them too often. If you feel like trying something new and want to get quite fucked up then this is the way to go. The last few times I have swilled this, it was fucking decrepid in taste. 8/10 Hangover- 5/10
Black Bull This bitch sits right up there with OE as the king of malts. Only the elusive Axehead compares in taste to drunkeness ratio. It's the scarier more abusive cousin of Bull Max. I have dranken a single one these before and have been unbeleivably fucked. I finally made it all the way through 2 and I paid for it the next day. I would not try to drink two of these if you aren't an old hand at malt or you end up waking up in a pool of your own puke. Strangely enough this malt is signifigantly more potent then Extra Gold even though they are both 9%. This shit is designed for nights when you want to get so drunk that you can not account for time that was passed on it. Drink with caution. 8.5/10 Hangover- 8/10
Mongoose- The only malt I have tried that comes in a can instead of a glass bottle. Since this brew is only a litre I would have to recommend drinking two, or if you can't handle that then chug one. The main downfall to Mongoose is it's rather intense mushroom taste. This stuff used to be common in all liquor stores, but I haven't seen it at all in a long time... it was probably making to many kids go blind. 3/10. Hangover- 7/10
Big Bear- As a homecoming gift, my friend Reno bought me a Big Bear. It isn't too often that i get to try out a new malt, so I was quite hyped. The first swil tasted about on par with your average 40, but the rest of it was fuckin vile. If it weren't for my Radical Raspberry Kool-aid chaser I doubt i could have finished one. I got to the swill and said fuck it, and went to sleep. This malt stacks up there with Colt 45 as the most shitty tasting. When i woke up I felt like shit. But hey, I was still glad to try one out.3.5/10 Hangover- 9/10
Axehead- Bayou Billy gave me a 40 of this monster that he bought in 'the mountains'. Measuring in at 11% it makes it the strongest malt i have ever seen. When I first saw the 11% alcohol on the label I shuddered as I imagined what it would taste like. Considering how high the alcohol level was this actually didn't taste that much like rubbing alcohol. In fact OE is the only malt that tastes better then it. If it were available here I would drink strictly Axehead. If anyone reads this and is in Alberta pick me up some! I drank one in about 45 minutes and I was quite wrecked. I wouldn't reccomend drinkning two unless you like waking up in a pile of your own puke . This is the new standard in malt excellence. If they ever stock it near my place I will probably drink myself into the grave.9.5/10 Hangover- 4/10
Perfect 10- I noticed this to be a fairly average tasting malt. The extra 6th of a percent was unnoticable in the taste. The label is fucking badass. I could see me drinkning this stuff on a regular basis if it were available around here. If you ever see it, I would recommend picking one up, but i would advise buying a solid Malt such as OE to compliment it. I can't accurately guide the hang-over cause there were too many other 40s involved in the equation. The swill tasted pretty good, but i was chuginng it on the street so I hit it pretty hard.7.5/10 Hangover- ??/10
Black Label Supreme- This bitch is 10% so as you can imagine the taste of alcohol becomes more noticeable. It kind of reminded me of a young Black Bear(which isn't a compliment). By the time I had started hitting this stuff I was quite drunk, so the details are a bit sketchy. I don't remember being impressed with the aftertase especially. On one swig it brought to the verge of barfing. If you are a pussy I would recommend avoiding this malt. If it were available around here I would only buy it on acassions that necessitate getting totally sewered. The hangover can't be judged, cause I mixed it with a bunch of other shit.6.5/10 Hangover- ??/10
Force 10- I'd read reviews of this malt over a year ago, and it was widely considered the worst of all the malts. So, when i got my hands on one I was very interested to see if the rumours were true and my answer is... Kind of. Maybe it was cause I was expecting it to be so bad, I don't know. By no means is it a tasy malt thgouh. It is among the worst. Sort of reminded me of a bad batch of Extra Gold. I was pretty drunk at the time, so who knows how fucked up my perception of taste was. Definatel worth a try if only for the experience. One agin the hangover is impossible to judge, but I think its pretty safe to say it would be quite bad. 5/10 Hangover- ??/10
Cyclone Power- This was a decent tasting malt liquor. Reaching the neck took me longer than it usually does, but once I got goign it went down quite well. I only drank one, so th hangover was nothign at all. It had a particularly annoying swill. I kept picking up slight tastes of Extra Gold in this brew. ALthough this malt wasn't too bad, I doubt I would ever choose to drink another one. 8/10 Hangover- 2/10
MALT STORIES
Once again Reno comes through with new Albertan malts. All in all she brought Force 10, Cyclone Power, Extra Old Stock 7.1%, BLack Label Supreme and Perfect 10. We decided to each drink an OE then share a bunch of the new Flavas. We all got quite nicely wrecked. I ended up chuggin the end of a Perfect 10 outside the Strand theatre. Check out the new reviews above.
On Friday night, I broke my friends and my personal malt record with 2 Black Bulls. Over a four hour period i put 2.36 Litres of Black Bull into my blood stream. Needless to say is was unbeleivably drunk. The night was fun, unfortunately the morning wasn't, as I threw up. After a snooze in the afternoon I felt almost normal. Now the question remains: Do I try and break my own record, or wait until someone else does then challenge them? It is a tough question that I will have to think long and hard about. Plans of me and Bayou Billy drinking 3 black bulls over a day are in the works.
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