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 to Chapter Three Message of Tears
 Sleepless nights were many for Britny in the few months that passed but last night had to be the very worse. Unsure if it was due to the reading of her mother’s private writings or the content within, she knew it was draining her. Over and over, trying desperately to block thoughts and memories only resulted in restless awareness at each attempt. Frustrated and weary, she dressed in her navy silk robe, entered the kitchen, poured a glass of milk and hunted down something to eat. Russell was watching her every move as if he too, sensed her aggravation. Normally he’d be sleeping in his bed or wherever he felt most comfortable but for the last two days Britny noticed he was near her foot. All efforts and attempts proved powerless, with the night progressing this way until morning’s arrival. Sleepy eyed, she attempted watching the television and lying on the sofa. This generally welcomed sleep when exhaustion overwhelmed her and anything at this stage was worth a shot. The 6:00 am news report would enable her to catch the latest events on how the earth was slowly crumbling with violence, incompetence, corruption and government scandal. ‘The same bullshit day after day.’ She thought to herself. ‘Couldn’t they find anything positive to report, instead of depressing shit all the time.’ It was now apparent that others were enjoying sleep, as she tossed the program guide onto the floor with disgust and frustration. Calling Russell, she decided to just get up and keep moving. ‘Com’on buddy, it’s time for our exercise!’ She hollered. Dressing quickly in black leggings and white hooded sweatshirt, she bound her blonde hair in a tail upon her head. Tightening her runners, she promised Russell she wouldn’t wear him out and smiled at him. His puppy eyes looked up at her with enthusiasm while his stumpy tail moved with excitement. ‘You don’t even care, do you?’ she said to him, with a touch of playfulness in her voice. With the house alarm now set, they entered the brisk morning air. Jogging this early was not a pet peeve of Britny’s and this particular morning was nippy enough to keep her mobile. The fresh air was welcomed and refreshing. With her mind full and thoughts continually flowing she unconsciously headed for the riverfront to the joggers sidewalk and moved in a slow jog with Russell following alongside. Her Walkman was in place and played Boston’s, ‘More Than a Feeling’ to block out the sound of traffic and to override her contemplations for a while. This made it easier to concentrate on her timing. ‘I have to give up smoking.’ She thought as she stopped to catch her breath. ‘This can’t be healthy for me.’ Looking at Russell, she saw him panting and assumed he would probably take water if offered. She realized then, that the two of them found it difficult to jog due to lack of exercising on a regular schedule. She ran as much and as far as possible without falling into cardiac arrest and decided she was finished. Taking her time on the return home, the two approached McCracken and entered the home walkway. Judging from her mailbox, the mailman had arrived earlier than normal, leaving a total of six envelopes. She placed them in the usual mail location on the kitchen island for later viewing. Stripping down immediately and shower bound, the hot water felt pleasant and warming until the clean feeling was once again restored. It was now 8:10am and after having a coffee and trying the sofa and television routine again but to no avail, it was apparent that she was doomed for slumber today. The yawning wouldn’t cease and this was annoying her. Instead, she just lay on the sofa and flipped through channels for a second time. She’d thought once or twice about going into the room and continuing, but decided against it without Andy. Rising from the couch, she noticed Russell was out cold with a paw over his face. A smile crossed her face then as she thought of how she actually exhausted him from the run. Grabbing today’s mail from the island, she returned back to the sofa. The thought of going back into the room upstairs was teasing her now. Sitting on the sofa with complete silence around, she felt antsy and needed something to do but wasn’t certain what. The spare room kept entering her mind and as much as she told herself she wouldn’t, a different part of her was coaxing her to enter and finally she gave in. All she’d wanted, she thought, was the latest photo album of she and her mother and maybe some cd’s from her mom’s box of music. Temporarily dismissing the thought, she began sorting through the envelopes in her hand. Since her mother’s house had been sold, Britny’s address became a forwarding address for any overlapping news in her mother’s name and while inspecting the letters she noticed one had arrived from London, England and was addressed to her mother. Nervousness arrived at the idea that it wasn’t a regular utility bill she’d be opening, but actual correspondence and it wasn’t for her. She hesitated briefly and studied the writing, the postmark and the return address. An appearance of bewilderment crossed her face as she tried to comprehend why a letter would be arriving to her mother from London, England when her mother never knew anyone outside of her own town. ‘If I don’t open it, she thought, I’ll never know what it is. Maybe it’s good news, maybe bad. How will I know if I don’t look? Hmmmm.’ Curiosity, more than anything tore the envelope to reveal a letter. Unfolding the pages, she saw them to be handwritten and immediately she began to read. Dated March 15, 1998 and merely two weeks prior to her mother’s death the contents read.
My darling Laura, I have sent you much e-mail since you left in such a rush in January. You mentioned you were planning to leave but I never realized just how quickly and without a sound.
For whatever reason, you have not replied to any of them. Sweetheart, if I have said or done something to offend you so much…I apologise with all my heart?
Please tell me, as I truly do not understand your leaving without so much as a wave. If you are in some kind of trouble, whatever it may be…you know I will help…it cannot be so bad that you feel you are unable to talk to me about it. We talked about everything…there was nothing we could not discuss.
We were so close… and our love so strong I can’t understand why you have not replied to my e-mails. Could it be that I’m writing to the wrong address? Is it not the one we used before you came to me?
Onnesty@isl.com is that correct sweetheart or have you changed it?
I thought you felt the same love for me that I feel for you… unconditional love…true love. I thought the nights we spent together meant as much to you as they did for me… the tenderness between us… the fun we had together… the kidding around. Was it all pretence? Did you not really feel the same way? I don’t believe those feelings you said you had for me were not true…I can’t believe the affection we showed each other, now means nothing to you. You once said to me ‘we are best friends and best lovers’. Am I to believe that was not genuine and from your heart?
I love you so much… I miss you so much. If you need my help in any way, you only have to say…you must know that. Please sweetheart contact me… If for no other reason, but to let me know you are all right.
All my love always Ian
Britny expressed absolute surprise at the words written before her. ‘Was my mother in England? My good god, that’s impossible, she’d never fly on a plane.’ She thought to herself. With sleep now becoming the final item on her mind, she knew she had to find some form of meaning to this letter. To date, she’d only viewed items of her mother’s long past and nothing more current than the twenty years she’d resided at home. Now before her, was something more present and possibly a clue to what took place in England. From reading the letter a second time, she concluded that her mother had been having an affair and that she’d met this ‘Ian’ somewhere outside of England. It struck her instantly that if they had been communicating by e-mail, then she must find and set up her mother’s computer immediately. Up the stairs she fled, without delay. She noticed three of her mother’s suitcases sitting together on the floor. The flight tags attached to the handles of only two seized her immediate interest but the computer was her key purpose for returning to the room. Through all that had happened, she hadn’t had a chance to inspect the cases and decided they would be next on the list. The shock of her mother being seated in an airplane was disturbing enough. There behind the cases was the PC monitor that invited her attention and beside it, the hard-drive that retained her curiosity. With her arms ready to hug the VDU for lifting, the doorbell rang. Russell woke quickly to summon Britny of a caller and she loosened her grip on the screen relaxing it to its position on the floor. Opening the front door stood Andy returning for round two. He hadn’t made it inside when Britny began babbling wildly about the letter and what her intentions were. ‘Hold on, hold on, take a breath Bree, for God’s Sake.’ He tried calming her and search out some meaning from what she was raving about. Grabbing his arm, Britny tried leading him back to the room but Andy was more concerned about how out of control she’d become and remained motionless. Looking at her strangely, he realized he would have to be firm. ‘Okay now, what’s going on?’ he asked softly.> Within seconds, Andy was in possession of and reading the letter from England. Britny sat watching with eyes wide. ‘My god, did your mom have a computer?’ Britny nodded. ‘That’s what I was trying to tell you. I was upstairs ready to set it up when you arrived.’ ‘Well, shit, what are we sitting here for?’ Andy said as he arose from the sofa. Back upstairs now, the two assembled the computer and it’s accessories onto an empty dresser top. Plugging in the monitor power cord, they watched, with fingers crossed, as the hard drive groaned its boot and the monitor displayed color. Andy was far more literate with computers so he took the liberty of the first attempt at retrieving whatever could be found. Britny directed him to her mothers e-mail account and together they stood in bewilderment at the curser blinking for a password. Andy looked up at Britny as he summoned her for the word. Thinking hard, she had no idea what it could have been. “What? Why are you staring at me like that? How would I know what it is? Hell, it could be 'baconandeggs' for all I know.’ Britny bailed herself out. ‘We can’t go any further without it Bree.’ ‘I know, I’m thinking, believe me.’ ‘Try Laura, lauraann laurabrown, britny, britnymarie.’ She’d insisted but to no reward. They left the screen in waiting and gave up. Back downstairs, the two took pencil and paper in hand and struggled to think of all likely passwords that could fit. It was decided that Andy would return and try them all. ‘Nothing.’ He yelled insistently downstairs to her. ‘Nothing works Bree.’ Standing at the bottom of the stairs when it came to her. Up the stairs she bolted pushing Andy to the side. In the password box, she typed slowly. B R E E and hit enter. The program hummed its way to availability and they were in, with Andy more excited now than he’d ever been. ‘Why didn’t I think of that? You did tell me she was the only other person who called you that.’ He’d said with embarrassment. ‘Not to worry sweetie. We’re home now.’ Britny smiled. Andy’s fingers did the walking on the keyboard with great speed. The letter proved to be correct. The emails were pouring in and the printer was connected and ready to go. The space to accommodate the pair was too crowded and in a simple toss, they agreed to print the correspondence rather than argue who would control the arrow key. “Christ Britny, wait for me.’ Andy snarled as he continued commanding the mail program to print. He watched as she began to read the first printed letter without him.
February 23, 1989 My darling Laura: Where have you gone to without a word? If you’ve returned home, please send me a mail so I will know you have made it safely. I am bewildered at to what would send you off so quickly without saying goodbye. Please return my mail. Love Ian xoxox
Britny read the letter and passed it on to Andy. ‘Who is this Ian?’ Britny thought aloud. ‘Don’t know, but it sure sounds like that was something there between the two of them. What do you think?’ ‘Yeah, I agree. How would I find out though?’ ‘Have you been through everything that’s come from your mother’s?’ ‘No, not everything there’s so much Andy, I’ve just started. I was afraid of what else I might find. Remember, that’s why I called you.’ Doing a pivot in the room, Britny sized up the awaiting boxes and this time looked closer with the suitcases once again catching her eye. Andy agreed to continue printing while Britny perused the cases. She opened the larger of the two tagged suitcases. Inside, she found her mother’s clothes all neatly folded in an orderly fashion and like the dressers in her mother’s room, organization ran deep and nothing was out of place. Removing the sweatshirts from the case, revealed further pages of writings pinned together with a clip, similar to the ones already located in the stored boxes. Not surprised at finding them, she set them out to one side and continued with the contents. Beneath her mom’s jean pile, she found three small photo albums and again placed them near the writings. More interested in reaching the bottom, she finished with the contents of the case and replaced the clothes back inside and thought she would have to decide at a later date what would be done with them. ‘Look what I found Andy.’ Andy raised his eyes briefly from the screen to view the items she’d found in the case. ‘I’m going to take them downstairs and look through them. Do you mind?’ she asked Andy. ‘No, I’ll be down shortly. Wow, there have to be at least twelve letters saved from this guy. Mushy stuff too, like sweetheart, darling, puppet, puddin’. He’s definitely a stand alone guy whoever he is.’ Andy chuckled. Downstairs, Britny prepared herself a drink. It was still quite early but she felt it may be needed considering the surprises she was getting today. Sitting on the floor, back resting against the sofa, she began to view the albums. The books were new and individual, but all designed to be displayed as a single unit for decoration purposes. It was obvious that they hadn’t been opened repeatedly, with the brand new feeling still left in their bindings. As with the other items, she’d placed the contents on the floor. The albums and the written pages were laying side by side for viewing and while sipping slowly on her Baileys; she picked up one of the picture albums. Once again, the pictures were dated and labelled and she was extremely grateful for that. Not surprised, mind you, because after all, her mother was a true Virgo and could have organize anything, including a trash compactor if given the opportunity. Everything required a name and label in her world, or it was out of place and disturbing to her. God, how she remembered that. Upon opening the first album, she found the most current pictures yet. She’d never seen these photos before and assumed they were taken while her mother was away. The labels under the pictures specified various sites she’d seen. She had to look twice because the labels were clearly printed ‘England’. Acceptance wasn’t available for what she was seeing today and Britny refused to believe the photos were genuine but there was her mother in the photographs beside, underneath and above British landmarks. Looking closer at these pictures and trying to make certain that it was indeed her mother, the clothes were a dead giveaway as were the poses. There was no question about it; her mother was definitely there in those locations. A befuddled and shaken, Britny laid the book on the floor at her feet. Dead still, she searched for composure and acceptance to what might very well have been real. If this were true, she knew it had to be something extremely important to place her mother on an airplane, let alone England. So now she needed to know what in heaven’s name persuaded her to fly the distance and time. Once again, she picked up the album and looked through the pictures. Flipping through them, and trying to maintain a form of self-control, she was overtaken with excitement and had difficulty controlling her curiosity. She could picture her mother aiming the camera to get a particular view and shooting it. How her mom would have been clad in jeans was an ordinary fad and would have never changed. How she must have sounded strange then, not speaking, as the English do with their accent and the hard time she would have given the people she’d known, about how they spoke, with the terminology being different to what she was accustomed to. That was how she was; so open, so opinionated and so right. She had to be right because it was her way. If you didn’t agree, you had sense to just let her believe she was and save yourself from her proving you differently. Looking at the different pictures now, Britny could see what her mother must have put these folk through and a smile formed across her face. Once she realized that what she was viewing was in fact genuine, she knew then, that she wouldn’t have the opportunity to hear of her mom’s adventures, and hear them told as she would have told them. A tear rolled down her cheek with the thought that what she’d read of her mother’s past, and now of her future, that her mother never really had a fair opportunity at true happiness until it was too late. She studied the remaining pictures that showed her mother’s apartment in England, where she spent most of her time and even pictures of friends she had met during her stay. There were more male photos than female, as she would have guessed, because her mom had a way with the fellows. Everything looked so different than in Canada, the buildings, the scenery, the fashions and vehicles. ‘What in heaven’s name would ever convince her mother to go there?’ she asked herself. At the turn of a page was a picture, taken in the front of a mobile phone shop with her mother and a very tall man standing side by side smiling, might have been the answer. Under the picture her mother had printed in neat black ink, ‘Ian James’ my buddy, my pal my mate! On her mother’s face, she noticed a touch of happiness. After reading her past, Britny was content with the smile on her mother’s face in the picture. The turning of the next page revealed an intimate smooch with the same fellow. Britny smiled then. She wasn’t able to picture her mother having a boyfriend but there they were in the photo, both wearing jeans and a T-shirt. ‘Well no wonder they were kissing.’ she thought, ‘He’s right down her alley. God, they even dress the same.’ Britny laughed then. She noticed how much taller the fellow was and how tiny he made her mom appear. He was definitely handsome there was no doubt. It was there, a look she hadn’t seen on her mother in a long, long time. ‘Long overdue Mom,’ she said to herself, ‘good on you!’ Satisfied now, that she was able to place a face with the name but still stunned with her findings, she’d decided, she’d seen enough for her first attempt. She closed the book and stood up from the floor. She needed time to take in what she’d just felt and promised herself she would return soon and take care of the rest but not without Andy. From the corner of her eye, she saw Russell doing the ‘twist,’ which meant ‘outdoor time.’ Once outside, her current thoughts and ideas were distracted by the back yard. She was doing an inventory in her mind, of all the things that still needed doing to make her yard complete. Russell, on the otherhand, was chasing a squirrel up a tree and Britny screamed for him to behave and get in the house. As always, he followed her orders and ran through the patio door with guilty head hanging. Andy, still engrossed in his findings upstairs, was completely silent with only the tapping of his fingers on the keys hinting that he was still occupied. With the television on, she couldn’t get the photo albums off her mind. She thought of all the pictures she hadn’t seen, and then wondered how hard it was going to be to put things into perspective and accept them. The England thing was not what she would have guessed of her mother and now she was afraid of what other secrets there would be lurking in the cardboard upstairs. With England now surfacing again in her thoughts, she realized that the diaries and writings hadn’t reached that time period yet but was hoping that there would be something within them, if not in the first batch, possibly in the single sheeted writings or the computer. She would make sure to cover everything before disposing of them or sending them to storage again. Happy now, that her mother had gone to England, she couldn’t understand how she brought herself to go there if she were truly afraid of flying. That was the strangest part of all. She wouldn’t fly, take a cruise or a train. Her only means of A to B would be by car and that wasn’t even an option for England. Extremely mystified now, she knew this would remain with her until some form of understanding surfaced. How in heaven’s name would she ever find out? She wondered. Andy would help her get a handle on it. If the two of them worked hard on it, they’d put it together. Andy joined her downstairs and the pair looked through the photo albums from England once again. They both joked around, pronouncing Ian’s name with an English twang. Britny stopped and sat with a far-off look about her, almost a bit like, being in wonder. A more than puzzled Britny began to speak. ‘This is all too twisted for me; I can’t make heads or tales of this. I’m trying Andy, you know I am but this woman is not the woman I’ve known for the last twenty years.’ ‘I know what you mean,’ he said with a long sigh, ‘I wish I knew, so I could tell you.’ Andy noticed the pile of pages on the floor by Britny’s feet and questioned Britny of their contents. ‘More of my mother’s writings that I found in one of her suitcases.’ ‘May I?’ he asked Britny pointing to the pile. ‘Sure, help yourself, I’ve had my dose of surprises today, you may as well get a few more of your own.’ She smiled. He was now into the stack of loose leafs, written by her mom. Britny sipped her drink, took a different one out of the pile, and began to read. It was a writing that her mother had done and was similar to a diary entry but on a single sheet of paper
May 15, 1996 Today is not a pleasant day for me. Britny has left her nest and I never realized how upset this day would make me but it has. I guess I will have to learn to let go. The house seems so big much larger now without her. There’s just too much room here for me alone. I hear all the noises and miss reminding her to clean up after herself. Not sure, what I will do now. Will just have to take it day by day I guess.
I wonder if she will forgive my behaviour towards her today. I never meant to ignore her, but was probably just going through a mother thing. I will have to explain this to her once we can talk again. She needs time away from me. I know I’ve been strict with her and she must have felt me closing in on her, for her to want to leave. I will make things right again. It will just take us both some time.
Feeling tears arrive once again, she folded the paper and placed it deep within the pile. ‘Want a refill?’ she asked without facing him. ‘No, fine here.’ He answered, still engrossed in his reading material. She stayed at the bar until self-control returned. Without a word, Andy placed the page he was reading to his left on the sofa and picked up the next four or five. It appeared they were in date order, which allowed for continual reading. Each one read of Britny being gone and the depression Laura was feeling. After getting through nearly ten sheets, Andy stopped in the middle of the page he was reading and still holding the papers; he moved them down to his lap. Looking straight ahead, he seemed to be in deep thought. It was apparent to him that Britny hadn’t read these particular sheets or she would have been concerned about the contents. He had to make a decision then whether to keep their contents a secret from her for a while and spare her feelings and concerns, or let her in on them and worry her. After straightening her makeup, she returned to the sofa. ‘So, whatcha find. Anything good to read?’’ she asked. Britny sat down beside Andy. She arranged a large pillow on the sofa, without a sound, closed her eyes, and fell into a deep sleep. Andy knew she was hurting through all she’d found. It was guilt more than anything that was eating her from within. Their time apart and not having made amends to their relationship before her mother’s death, would always remain with her. Andy continued reading again. He was deeply involved in the contents of the pages. Taking care to read carefully and trying hard to understand the true meaning of what her mother was writing. Amazed at the feelings expressed on all the pages he’d read to date, it was almost as if Laura Brown were telling her life to someone. He also found it extraordinary that she had kept a constant journal from the age of twelve till forty-five of feelings, happenings and plans. It was all here with the most important of details. He’d read of her movements to date and now he had a decision that needed making. Andy speculated then as he lit a cigarette. He looked over at Britny sleeping so quietly. In his mind, he could see the resemblance of her mother and as he’d known her when he use to stop in to pick Britny up for Friday night outings. ‘ She was a good person’, he thought to himself, ‘and didn’t deserve to end her time the way she had at a young age of forty-five.’ Britny’s face was still, and was just resting for the next bout. A few strands of blonde hair swept her face as she turned over slightly and Andy moved them back in place. He would let her sleep because he knew she hadn’t been and it would give him time to continue with what he was reading. Thinking now, and trying to stay up to date on the events, he was getting so much from the words on paper. The feelings of a good mother and yet a lonely woman held at bay for such a long time. This would be considered a true bond and a love that goes deeper than he’d ever imagine. Hours passed as he read on. There was enough here to tell Laura’s complete story, but no one had found it. It wasn’t hiding; it was just never sought, until now. Should he tell Britny, he wondered. Would she try and pursue the truth? Would she dig deeper for details and confront the people mother speaks of in her notes? Of course she would. She would have to in order to make peace with herself. April 14, 1997 I have made my decision. I’m going to do something that I haven’t done before. I’m going to fly to England to be with Ian. I am very excited and hope I am doing the right thing. I am still unable to get hold of Britny. She has either moved or changed her phone number and I can’t seem to get in touch with her. She must be upset with me. I will continue to try but it will be difficult being so far away. Time to move on now, I have made my flight reservations, and I am leaving on the 20th. I will pack a bit tonight and prepare the house for my time away.
April 17, 1997 I have left a key with Ann, my neighbour. She will come in once a week to check things in the house and keep an eye on the ole’ homestead. I will forward information to her on how to get in touch with me if she needs me. Things are all in order now for my departure. I’m a bit nervous about this. I haven’t left the country before and am terrified of flying. Well, here’s wishing me luck.
Andy who was absorbed in what he was reading, was startled when Britny moved on the sofa with now opened eyes. “How long have I been sleeping?” Britny asked curiously “About three and a half hours but you did need it Bree,” he added. She looked around for her cigarettes and lit one. Relaxing there on the sofa, alert now, she looked over at Andy. “Thanks for being here Andy. I’m not sure I could have made it through this day alone.” She said. “Don’t be silly, you know I will always be here for you. That’s what friends are for. Right?” Andy said as he moved his fingers through her long hair. He leaned closer preparing to kiss her. Britny looked up at him smiling. “Are you sure you want to get tangled up with a mess like me?” She said making a pout face. “I wouldn’t want it any other way.” It was a long kiss but he decided against making any further advances. He didn’t want any misunderstandings right from the start. They had been neighbours and had attended the same school. They never saw eye-to-eye when they were younger with thinking Andy was a bit “nerdish” and Andy thinking Britny was a bit “stuck-up”. That’s how they were until they graduated from Secondary School. Meeting for an occasional coffee was the height of their relationship back then. If Andy wasn’t hangin’ with his friends, then he’d ring Britny to see what she was up to and the two would meet for a drink or a movie or just talk. That’s how Britny’s mom got to know Andy better. He wasn’t a “bad” boy but he did get around and Britny was warned about getting involved with troublemakers. Britny considered returning the kiss and when Andy attempted to sit back, she pulled him to her. Together they lay on the sofa, only inches apart and looked at one another through different eyes. These were now looks of affection and trust. Her finger gently outlined his cheekbone and down over his lips. His stare never left her eyes even when she moved her lips onto his and they closed. This kiss said more than their usual goodnight or hello. This kiss expressed warm feelings of gratitude and a touch of love. Andy, a bit resistant, was unsure how to read what she was sending. He had no intentions on stopping her and wanting to be so careful of not sending the wrong vibes to her, he held back his feelings of wanting her. Thinking that one wrong move on his part may ruin what they’ve come to achieve, he decided he would let her make the moves until he knew what she was after. Andy returned each kiss she offered. Just when it seemed that their rest would be taking off to a new horizon, he glanced at his watch and knew it was nearing time for them to be leaving. ‘What timing’ he thought. He hoped he could stop what was taking place without hurting her feelings. Just then, she turned on her back and said, ‘I’ve heard of girls playing hard to get, but Andy, this is ridiculous.’ ‘I’m not playing hard to get. I’m starving. I’m a growing boy and I need my food.’ He joked ‘Ahhhh, do you want me to make you something?’ ‘No, I have a better idea, Wanna go out for a bite?” he asked her. She didn’t look enthusiastic about the offer. Andy hoped she would change her mind and not force him into beg-mode. Britny tossed the idea about and finally she smiled. “Yeah, why not.” She said. There was an inner approval on Andy’s part. He knew it would be according to plan from here. “It’ll take me a while to get ready. Anywhere in particular you feel like going?” she asked. “Well, why don’t we go all out tonight. How ‘bout McDonalds?” he asked while poking at a little humour. “Should I wear my Sunday’s?” she laughed. “Sure, and wear those sexy heels I’ve heard that you own. You know the black ones that say “Wanna buy be a drink.” He was laughing hysterically. “I only wear those ones for people that I want to buy me a drink.” She answered sarcastically but still smiling. Andy, a bit taken back by her response, smiled and nodded his head in understanding. “I’m going now to eat a little humble pie and get dressed.” He pouted. “I’ll pick you up in what, say an hour?” “Yeah, sounds good.” She said. Andy turned and walked away, leaving Britny to prepare for their evening out. It had been some time since she dressed up. Opening her wardrobe, she inspected every item that was hanging. There wasn’t much of a decision; she knew what she wanted to wear. She looked smashing in black and knew it. She laid the short dress out on the bed and went into the bathroom to run her bath. The perfume from the bath oil invaded the air and left a pleasant scent. Britny lit a cigarette, placed it in the bathroom ashtray, and began undressing. She didn’t have much time to enjoy the moment, so she made every second count. The hot water felt refreshing. She never moved, just laid still and took it all in. She knew she wouldn’t be able to stay in as long as she wanted so she checked her watch on the sink and saw she would have no choice but to abandon her bath. Towelling off, applying her makeup, and drying her hair, she was ready to dress. Her dress, black, low cut and short against her long blonde hair made her, a lucky man’s catch. She was ready now and waiting for Andy with only five minutes to spare. Russell raised his head when she entered the living room. Short tail wagging his approval with her presence he gave a long stretch and walked over to Britny. “I expect you to guard this place and no foolin’ around or else.” She smiled as she gave her order. Russell’s tail wagging frantic now; he raised his head up for a pet and Britny accommodated. Andy arrived and Britny put her coat and scarf on. Opening the front door, there was a limo awaiting the two of them. “Oh my God,” she said with surprise. Her eyes opened wide in disbelief. She had never been in a limousine before and quite excited about being in one tonight. “Andy, you didn’t have to do this.” She said. ‘I know, but it’s okay to be spoiled occasionally. You do deserve it you know.” He said. “Well, thank you Andy. I only hope I don’t disappoint you.” She said a little nervous. The limo driver opened the door for them and they got into the car. The car pulled up in front of Ye’ Ole Steak Place and the driver, once again, opened their door. Britny was overwhelmed with all the attention she was receiving. With reservations already made, there was no wait and they were immediately escorted to their table. The waiter approached their table with his finest champagne and the two were left alone. With only a candle lit on their table, the evening was extremely relaxing and romantic, yet Britny felt nervous. She had been alone for so long. Always thinking and wondering what she should be doing or not doing and not having anyone except Russell to talk to. This was a bit too much for her to digest all in one sitting but she would try. “I wish my mom could see me now.” She said. “She would be so happy for me Andy.” “I know,” Andy said quietly, “but this is your night and she would really want you to enjoy it.” “It’s hard you know.” She continued. “It’s hard to forget all you’ve known and just say it’s over. I feel a bit responsible for what’s happened. If I had of spoken to her different, maybe if I would have listened to her more, if only I had of kept the communication lines open, none of this would be taking place and she would be hearing about this night.” With tears in her eyes, she excused herself from the table and headed quickly in the direction of the Ladies Room. ‘She would be fine,’ she thought. She freshened up in the large antique mirror and returned to the table. Once seated, she apologized for losing control the way she had. “Andy, it hurts to read her past but I feel the need to know exactly what she was like before I pack her things for good. It’s painful now, especially not knowing what kind of life she really had. She never mentioned any bad things to me about her past.” Britny sat quiet for a moment thinking hard, and then she continued. “I will get through this you know. It may take me some time, but I will do it.” “I know you will Bree and I want you to know, I will be there for you. If you ever need anyone to talk to or someone to just listen, for God’s sake, don’t hesitate to call me. Okay?” Andy said. “Okay, thanks again Andy.” She answered. The waiter approached the table and asked them if they were ready to order when at that moment, a young woman approached the table. Her short brown hair was a little messed with her evening and appeared to have been drinking. “Has anyone seen my husband?” she said slurring her words. “He’s about 6’ 2” and he’s wearing black pants, white shirt and a red and black tie.” She was turning in all directions, looking at each table for him. “He was with me not five minutes ago and now I can’t seem to locate him. If you see him, his name is John. He’s a bit loaded and can’t be trusted. Would you let me know, I’ll be in the Ladies Room.” The pair nodded and the woman left the table. Britny looked at Andy with a confused look on her face. “I think she’s had a bit much to drink.” Britny laughed. “No kidding!” Andy added. Not five minutes passed and her husband was approaching their table. He was dressed in precisely what she described with his tie pulled open and carrying a half bottle of rye in one hand and a bouquet of roses in the other. “Hi,” he said looking at Andy. “I couldn’t help but notice your gorgeous girlfriend sitting there. These are for you.” John extended the flowers to Britny. “Thank you.” Britny said in surprise, “but shouldn’t you give these to your wife?” The inebriated fellow laughed loudly and took a drink from his bottle, with blue eyes closing as he gulped. “Ha!! “ he scorned and tipping gently in his stance. “She gets nothing. I don’t like her very much tonight.” He stood by the table, released his tie a slight further when the music got louder in the room. John began making seductive moves with the music and began loosening his tie off completely now in front of Britny making slow gestures around her and her chair as he unbuttoned his shirt. The shirt became history as it fell onto her lap. His black trousers unsnapped entirely down his legs as designed and now lay on the floor beside Britny’s chair. Turning completely red and embarrassed, Britny began to show signs of worry that this man’s wife would appear and so would danger. “Excuse me,” Britny shouted. “ I suggest you go back to your table or wherever it is that your seated, your wife was looking for you earlier!” “Nah,” he yelled back. “I would prefer stay here. I find you much more attractive.” In the background sat Andy amused with himself. This was exactly as he’d hoped for. With John, being the scheduled dancer and stripper meant to make Britny smile, Andy saw he was doing much more than requested of him, for the money he had been paid. She was so confused with the situation that Andy was a little apprehensive that she may not think it so humorous when she’d actually known it had been set up. She seemed so concerned about the man’s wife, that her expressions were truly serious now. His clothes now resting on the floor and clad in satin boxer shorts, he moved to the music and kept Britny in worry. Andy wanted so much to let her in on it, but decided to let things happen, as they should. Just as he was about to remove his boxer shorts, his wife joined their tableside. “Oh sure!” she yelled. “I can’t take my eyes off you for one second and here you are!” Looking embarrassed with her husband she smiled at Britny. The woman wasn’t upset and seemed to be use to his behaviour although she too appeared to have had a bit too much to drink. “I told you I couldn’t trust him. Didn’t I say that?” she bellowed over the volume of the music. She suddenly spotted the flowers on the table placed beside Britny. “Nice roses. Boy, are you ever lucky. I never get flowers.” She said. “Hey, I gave her those flowers!” John yelled over the music. Britny was afraid he’d do that. Now she was considerably alarmed. The other patrons in the restaurant focused on what was proceeding at their table, with some laughing and others looking baffled at Britny. The farther back the tables and conversation were, the less they knew about what was being said and it would appear that John and Britny had known each other already. Of course, enter, jealous girlfriend. Unknowing, that this was not the case, made it look quite interesting from an onlookers point of view When it appeared that Britny was about to clear things up, Andy broke in. “Wait a second” he said with a concerned tone, “Britny, do you know this fellow?” “No, I don’t and I don’t want any trouble.” She said a little irate. “John,” Andy said. “Would you kindly tell my friend what you’re after here at our table?” “Sure,” he said. “I only came to tell her how much you love her!” At that moment, John was not intoxicated, nor was his girlfriend. They became completely sober and John leaned over to give Britny a slight kiss on the cheek and apologized for any embarrassment he may have caused her. Everyone in the restaurant applauded her except for the few in the rear of the restaurant that still have no idea what had taken place. “Had you going, didn’t they?” Andy asked Britny. “Yesss” she answered with true redness in her face. She wasn’t angry at all. She leaned over to Andy, thanking him and gave him a kiss. “You are too much.” she said. “Is there anything else I should look out for tonight?” “Only me!’ he’d said jokingly. ‘ No I think I’ve outdone myself. You can relax now and enjoy yourself.” He said. The meal, the mood, and the dance were the hit of the evening. The limo arrived and took the two back to Britny’s house. Britny wore a smile the entire evening and that made Andy happy. She’d held his hand during the entire ride in the limo and occasionally gave it a squeeze. It was a surprise, for someone to do this for her without Britny having to pay for it herself, that she was overwhelmed with excitement. She felt that Andy truly cared about her and so the bond began. “Coming in for a coffee?” she asked Andy. “Sure, why not.” He answered. He motioned to the limo driver that he would be staying behind and the driver acknowledged his stay and left. Once inside, Russell made his appearance, went outside with Britny and made his run then retired to his bed once again. Britny prepared coffee for the two of them and they sat in the living room and began discussing the day. With the following day being a Sunday, Andy didn’t have to work and agreed to keep Britny company for a while, so the conversation carried on until 4:00 am. when Andy fell asleep on the sofa. Britny put a blanket over him and took a moment to study his now sleeping form. His short brown hair completed his facial features perfectly and appeared a bit messed from the night. His clean shaven face looked good enough to kiss but she refrained from doing so in fear she may wake him. She chose just to view him for now and could hear him quietly breath as he rested for tomorrow. Britny was so thankful to no be alone that she considered only for a short moment what it would be like to have Andy there all the time but realized it was too new yet to even wonder. She would give it time, she thought, to see if he could handle her in one of her unseen moods. Rising from the sofa she retired to her bed for the evening with the excitement of the night and the alcohol inviting a good nights sleep for a change. Andy woke at 6:00am and left Britny to sleep. Like a work alarm had just gone off, he was back into her mother’s writings and reached for the pile that he had been reading. Once everything was ready and in place, he made a pot of coffee, lit a cigarette and continued where he had left off earlier the day before. Andy looked up at the wall clock that now read 9:00 am and Britny was still asleep. He decided not to disturb her. This would give him a chance to keep going with what he found. He took a drink from his coffee and lit another cigarette. Flipping through the remaining pages, he found there were still many to read. Looking at the last one in the stack, he saw it was dated sometime in mid January 1998. He had to make a quick decision as to whether he should read the last one or make his way through the others first. Picking up the next page in the pile, he decided against jumping ahead and continued from where he left off. April 22, 1997 I have been suffering from jet lag. It was hard to get use to a new sleep pattern with the five-hour difference in time here. Ian and I have spent many hours together and he seems to enjoy having someone around that has a similar sense of humour as he. I think we will get on just fine here. We have spent most of the last two days discussing changes in the shop. He definitely needs a white glove test performed here. I assume that I will be the chosen party to do this. I’ve tried to arrange loose paperwork that’s been laying about in drawers and binders. That alone is a job in itself but I will get through it. I am still very excited by this new country. It’s nothing like Canada. Though we speak English also, they have much different terminology than we. I think that was one of the main attractions toward Ian. He continually teases me about how England gave us our country and language and that we, Canadians, aren’t grateful enough to speak the language ‘properly’. Of course, it’s my nature to dispute the fact and being a true Canadian, I must stick up for my country and our lingo. He too seems interested in my accent. (I don’t believe I even have one.) As for our personal interests, I shouldn’t go there yet. Shyness has overtaken me from the time I have been alone. June 22, 1997 There is still no news from Canada regarding Britny. Ann has forwarded all important mail to my end and sends her love and hope for my happiness. In her letter to me, she tells me to continue with my venture here and that I shouldn’t worry about home. She thinks Britny is old enough now to decide what she should be doing, and I now agree with her. It pains me though, knowing that I have this child and can’t talk to her. I would like to try and take steps to find her whereabouts but am afraid she may not want to be found. November 23, 1997 The holidays are nearing. It has been more than a year and a half since Britny and I have spoke. I have changed so much as I’m sure she has also. Ian understands what I am going through. It’s difficult for me, because I am afraid to make any concrete plans to remain in this country in case I must return. I have left Ian’s questions unanswered as to what I plan to do. I’m sure it makes it difficult for him also because of this. I am still in my flat and still working with Ian daily. Though we still haven’t moved in together, we are the best of friends and inseparable. Sadness still surrounds me with my communication problem at home. I need to get a handle on this problem and soon.
December 01, 1997 We are so much in love. I’m sure I could remain here indefinitely with Ian, only I have other commitments to deal with in Canada. Ian has suggested moving to Canada, but we are still unable to decide which would be more suitable. Of course, I am still fresh in this country and wish to see much more of it. Therefore, I am not ready to leave as of yet. Ian, on the other hand, being born and growing up here in this country, has decided he would prefer a change of scenery. We have actually considered the word “marriage” in this short time period. I have decided not to jump too quickly into anything. It was nice to hear though. Moving slow would be fine on my part.
Andy sat back and stared at the handwritten page in deep thought. He had no idea what it was that he was searching for, but for some reason, the whole picture wasn’t clear. As he read the pages, he was trying to piece and picture what he imagined to be the happenings. It was a great love story. He couldn’t deny that. The only problem with this story, was why was she discussing marriage in January and home in March? Wanting badly to move to the last page, he decided against it. Making a fresh cup of coffee and checking the clock again, he noticed it was only 9:30am and still too early to wake Britny. Besides, this was getting interesting. He was a little nervous that she would get up and he would have to stop reading, December 14, 1997 Ian’s business is quite technical. I have learned the different models and plans that he sells and it seems that mobile phones are in great demand in this country They come in from the street and most know exactly what they want. Ian is so intelligent in this field. Actually, he’s the most professional salesperson I ever met. It’s for sure; I would purchase whatever he was selling. I am considering the purchase of a vehicle. Even though they drive on the wrong side of the road, I think, in time, I should be able to get the hang of it. That’s assuming that it’s easier to learn while one is driving. We are also looking at real estate over here. Ian brings my attention to properties that are for purchase. Though I haven’t made up my mind yet as to what I am doing, I do know that he and I are for each other. I will try to locate Britny today. It’s difficult from here but I will continue. January 02, 1998 The holidays were grand here. Ian and I spent Christmas and New Years together. This is the second Christmas without Britny. I wonder what she’s doing, how she is and what’s she’s thinking. Doesn’t she even wonder about me? I cry now, but I must let go. I understand she needs her freedom, but only wish to be in her life. I will keep trying during this New Year, to get in touch with her. This can’t possibly continue. I will call Ann tomorrow and have her get in touch with whomever we need to. I will find a number for her.
Andy jumped suddenly, when Britny entered the living room. She walked over to the sofa, sat down beside him, and took a large pillow from behind her and held it on her lap. Her hair was messed from sleeping but Andy could see the little girl in her. With puffy cheeks and blue eyes, she looked at him. “Thank you for last night.” She said. “The pleasure was all mine sweetie.” He said. His beautiful brown eyes were so distinct. Britny thought. She could watch him all day. It was then, she began to wonder why she hadn’t fallen for him sooner. He was no longer a “nerdy” type of fellow and had a heart large enough for both of them and she knew and felt he would be there for her. She was contemplating her move on him when the silence broke. “Can I get you coffee Bree?” he asked. “Ah sure,” she answered. He handed her a coffee and she reached for his cigarettes and lit two of them, one for her and one for him. She handed him his cigarette and took a drink from her cup. “What are you reading Andy?” she asked inquisitively. He didn’t want her to know just then, but thought if he was going to get to finish them on his own, he may just as well let her in on it. “They are just more of the loose notes that your mother wrote.” He said. “Oh,” she answered a little surprised. “Anything I should know about?” “As a matter of fact,” he went on, “they cover the most recent times. She actually wrote these during her stay in England.” “You’re kidding.” She squealed excitedly. Britny, only having read the page where she’d left home, assumed that they were just writings that her mother had written before her visit and took them along. She was completely interested now in what Andy had to say and in hope that they would shed some light on what she still needed to know to give her some peace of mind. “No, I’m not. She just writes about the person she met and what he’s like and how they get along. She even mentions marriage at one point.’ Andy changed his expression just then, from informative to confused. ‘I am a little confused though. I can’t understand why she came back to Canada one month after she talks about purchasing an automobile, real estate and marriage over there.” “Hmmm! That does sound a bit strange, doesn’t it?” Britny asked curiously. “I could probably get to the bottom of it if I read on to the last page, but I’ve been holding back. It’s killing me to do that 1but I don’t want to miss a move, you know?” He laughed. “Yeah, you go ahead and read, I want a bath anyhow. I won’t bother you. But you have to let me know what happens okay?” she said jokingly. “It’s a deal.” He said.
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