One Liners Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? Ask your Mom. =========================================================================== How do you know when you're REALLY ugly? Dogs hump your leg with their eyes closed. =========================================================================== What is the quickest way to clear out a men's restroom? Say, "Nice Dick," =========================================================================== How do you know you're leading a sad life? When a nymphomaniac tells you, "Let's just be friends," =========================================================================== Why don't bunnies make noise when they make love? Because they have cotton balls. =========================================================================== Mom's have Mother's Day, Father's have Father's Day. What do single guys have? Palm Sunday =========================================================================== Why is being in the military like a blowjob? The closer you get to discharge, the better you feel. =========================================================================== What do you call a ninety year old man who can still masturbate? Miracle Whip. =========================================================================== What does a 75 year old woman have between her breasts? Her navel. =========================================================================== What has a whole bunch of little balls and screws old ladies? A bingo machine. =========================================================================== What's the difference between a porcupine and a BMW? The porcupine has pricks on the outside. =========================================================================== Why did God create alcohol? So ugly people have a chance to have sex too. =========================================================================== What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant? "Are you sure it's mine?" =========================================================================== What's the difference between beer nuts and deer nuts? Beer nuts are a $1.25 but deer nuts are always under a buck. =========================================================================== What three two-letter words denote "small"? "Is it in?" =========================================================================== Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex? Mace will do that to you. =========================================================================== If you are having sex with one woman and another walks in, what do you have? Divorce proceedings, most likely. =========================================================================== Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia? Everyone has the same DNA. =========================================================================== And Some To Offend Damn-Near Everyone. . . How can you tell the Irish guy is in the hospital? He's the one blowing the foam off of his bedpan =========================================================================== Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar. =========================================================================== Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a retarded baby? They named him Sum Ting Wong. =========================================================================== What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment. =========================================================================== What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast? They're hiring. =========================================================================== Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don't have eyes. =========================================================================== What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm? A pimp. =========================================================================== Why do drivers education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays? Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it. =========================================================================== What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe. =========================================================================== How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say f*ck? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*! =========================================================================== What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale? A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time..." A southern fairytale begins 'Ye'all ain't gonna believe this shit...