George Carlin

If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is
no woman around to hear him..is he still wrong? 

Why is it called tourist season if we can't shoot at them? 

If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it? 

If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2? 

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish,
 and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.